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Sam has always been a sensitive kid.
Before making decisions, he would always factor in his family’s feelings. He would cry any time a dog died in a movie or comic book. He is very observant about what he hears at school, especially if it’s about him.
There was a time when Lucy was like that too. She still thinks she’s a little bit like that. Even after both of her parents have passed away, she would consider what they would do in her current situation. Lucy often found herself crying over nothing. A small stain on her third favorite dress used to be enough to bring her to tears. She thinks she’s been hardened since then. She’s grown up, and she hopes that her son never has to. Suppressing the water works is not as freeing, but it protects her. Sam doesn’t need to stop crying for protection. If he has his mom, he might be okay.
Lucy was used to the calls from his elementary and middle school every week about how Sam was crying over a scraped knee or a play date he wasn’t invited to or even the suffering of one of his classmates. She figures that Sam inherited that trait from her; her sensitivities were what got her into the hippie movement in the first place. How can you not cry when everything around you is wrong, wrong, wrong?
Every time she would get those calls, she would silently tell her youngest son that she understands why he’s upset, but he needs to control how he handles it. She didn’t know how bad it would get at the time, but she had a tiny feeling that her husband might not react well to her son’s display of emotions, so both of them never bothered to tell him about Sam’s emotional fits at school. Lucy was around ten or eleven when she learned that sensitive kids, especially sensitive boys, were the ones who were bound to get hurt by the cruelty of American society, and the world as a whole.
Sam was about nine when the bullying started. At first, it was nothing that his dad didn’t say to him in the house. Stuff about him being too whiny, too nerdy, his head covered in a comic book whenever people try to talk to him. But soon enough, Lucy’s husband found…other oddities that Sam’s classmates picked up on as well. While Lucy appreciates Sam’s advice on fashion and footwear, his father would tease him about being too girly. Lucy adored shopping with Sam (It was much more fun than Michael), but her husband would publicly shame him at the mall if he expressed interest in brighter clothes and jewelry. One time at school, Sam got cafeteria pizza in his face when he asked his friends if they wanted friendship bracelets. Lucy wears the one he made whenever she’s not near her husband, but both her and her son are certain to take it off whenever it isn’t just the two of them and Michael.
Okay, so Sam’s effeminate. That doesn’t bother Lucy. She’s known plenty of effeminate men. She’ll still buy Sam the clothes he wants and allows him to have a necklace hidden underneath his shirt. She loves her son as he is, and she’d love to give the middle finger to the assholes that make fun of him for it. But she’s not sure if Sam sees himself that way.
It’s obvious that her husband Clarence doesn’t. While Sam was watching MTV in Lucy’s room (Lucy hasn’t been able to share a room with her husband in a while), Clarence found dark blue nail polish in Michael’s room, and all Hell broke loose for a few hours before Clarence finally stopped yelling and let Michael go back to his room. At about 3 in the morning the next day, Michael and Sam both had nightmares and Sam admitted that the nail polish was his — he hid it in Michael’s room because he didn’t think anyone would look there. Clarence threw Sam’s nail polish on the ground and left a mess that Lucy had to clean up. Sam wasn’t too disappointed about that; he was too scared to wear it anyways.
Lucy remembers Michael’s gentle hand on Sam’s shoulder as the younger brother admits this, trembling and whimpering and promising that he’ll stop with the “girly shit” and become a real man like his father wants. All Lucy could to do was hug Sam and Michael and promise that she will always love both of them as they are. She wishes that she could say the same about their father, but Lucy isn’t even sure if Clarence loves her anymore.
The young boys slept in their mom’s room that day, holding each other. And they slept in their mom’s room the nights after that. And the nights after that.
They could almost be a proper family if there wasn’t a shadow looming over them.
Every day, Lucy thanks her lucky stars that the boys have each other. She has no idea how Michael ended up as such a good kid after what he went through. A bit rebellious and rule-breaking, but always loving towards Sam and sympathetic towards Lucy. Michael takes great pride in being a role model for his brother, helping him stand up against his bullies (Although Lucy wishes he wouldn’t threaten younger kids) and very eager to give Sam dating advice whenever he’s ready (Dating advice that Sam claims is not as interesting as his comics). Sam, meanwhile, is reminded that there is nothing wrong with being who he is, and he will always be supported by his brother and his mom.
Even still, Lucy and the boys are trapped in Clarence’s world, a man that Lucy cannot believe she once loved. Divorce has been an option that Lucy has seriously considered ever since Michael was five and Sam was two. But her boys need a father, as awful as that father might be. Lucy is not the type of woman who would be good as a single mom, and her father’s recent passing has made it much more difficult for her to find the strength to leave and for the boys to find a masculine role model. She remembers being free — wild — but times are constantly changing and Lucy is left to pick up the pieces. If that means staying with this man while there’s a roof over their heads and food for herself and her sons, she’ll have to make do. Lucy isn’t enough. Besides, what if she goes with it and her kids are left into custody of their father?
But sometimes it’s so hard.
She can take the constant arguments and screaming matches, the empty beer bottles messily thrown in the wrong trash can, the bruises on her hips. But Michael and Sam are both so young. Michael is far too young to be his father’s punching bag; he’s far too young to take all of the suffering and worry about his father getting arrested for what he did to him. He’s too young to worry about protecting his younger brother from the physical violence that has started to occur daily.
As for Sam, he’s always in his room or Lucy’s room, reading comics and drawing and watching television and just trying to forget everything wrong with his life. It seems like both his school life and his home life are torture, and Lucy wishes to tell him that it’ll get better — that he’ll be able to forget about his dad and his classmates/tormenters and be his true self — but Lucy doesn’t know if that will ever be true.
***
There were many things that led to her eventual divorce. The turning point came when her lawyers told her that her deceased father gave her his house in his will. For the rest of Lucy’s life, she will remember her father’s final posthumous help in getting his daughter and grandsons out of a horrible situation that he listened to Lucy anguish about for hour long phone calls. While she and her babies might not be living comfortably, they will at least be living away from him. Additionally, it turns out that Clarence Emerson did not want custody of Michael or Sam. When Michael heard about this from Lucy’s lawyers, he jumped in excitement and gave his mother a huge hug, something uncharacteristic for the teenager.
Sam took Clarence’s apathy about the brothers much harder. While Sam’s relationship with his father was strained due to the physical and verbal abuse inflicted on his family, it was certainly not volatile the way that Lucy and Michael’s relationships with the man were. Perhaps this was because Sam was always non-confrontational. He constantly runs away whenever things get too bad, and usually goes to bed early and sleeps through the fighting and the anger. It was no surprise, therefore, that Sam would be so upset with his father not fighting for him, practically abandoning him.
Michael resents Sam for running away every time something like this happens. Lucy doesn’t blame him, but she certainly doesn’t. Their father is a ticking bomb that can be ready to explode at any minute. It seems that Sam has the self preservation skills that the rest of the family lacks.
Lucy tries to give both boys as much love and attention as possible, giving them hugs and kisses and promising that she’s proud of them. It doesn’t seem to be helping Sam, who still spends the majority of the day in his room drawing or reading or silently crying when he isn’t at school.
A few days before moving, while the boys were at school for one of the last days, Lucy finds Sam’s unpacked diary in his room. It was eleven o’clock in the morning when Lucy finds a regular old notebook with Superman and Hulk stickers (Sam has always loved DC and Marvel equally). Lucy has known about this diary for a few months now, but she figured that everything written there was his own private business (She was certainly not a fan of her dad snooping around and finding out about Lucy’s first crush — Eww!). In usual circumstances, she would pack it and keep moving. But something told her not to that day — this was her son who was already struggling, and she was never getting a Parent of the Year Award anyways. Besides, it’s hard to write about your feelings at that age. It might just be comic book stuff.
The first entry that she turned towards was definitely more than comic book stuff.
𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘺,
𝘑𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘱𝘩 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘋𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺.
Lucy shutters. She has heard a lot about this Joseph character. Michael says that he makes himself seem like an angel when he was around adults or older kids, but her poor Sammy would never even admit what he says to him whenever their teachers weren’t looking. Instead, Sam would keep his mouth shut and say that there was something wrong with himself, something that Lucy and Michael would hate and Clarence would despise. She really doesn’t know what to do for her son, so she continues reading.
𝘏𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘶𝘴. 𝘏𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘮𝘢𝘯.
Lucy’s heart dropped. She wishes that she could hug her son tightly and promise that none of this was his fault, that he’ll be able to have a fresh start in Santa Carla and he’ll be okay (Although she still isn’t sure if that’s true). As she skimmed through the pages, it only got worse.
𝘕𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦.
𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘏𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘦.
𝘐’𝘮 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘧𝘵.
𝘐 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘯.
Lucy sighed. It can’t always be like this for him. She could barely even see the words he wrote because her eyes were welling up, and she wipes them with her handkerchief.
“Only a few more days” She whispers as an unheard promise to her sweet kid who was probably in the cafeteria right now, internalizing the lies about his freakishness and perceived failures. In a few days, he will be away from all of that. In a few years, Sam Emerson might go into a nice job (He was always good at drawing comics alongside reading them) with nice friends and meet a nice girl who will love every part of him. Maybe Clarence and Joseph and those other assholes will be a distant memory to Sam. Hopefully Sam will get to move on with his life and be happier than any of them could ever dream of.
In spite of recognizing that the diary had far more than Lucy bargained for, she kept reading. For as sensitive as Sam is, he doesn’t talk to anyone. Not to Michael, not to Lucy, and certainly not to his father. Lucy wishes that she can squeeze him and promise him that it’s going to be okay. If she can’t tell herself that, she should at least be able to tell her son. She kept reading.
𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘺, 𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺’𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵.
Lucy assumes that he means his bullies, but what could they possibly be right about? If he’s a nerd, then he’s Lucy’s nerd. If he’s “girly”, well, Lucy might prefer “girly” anyways over the monster that she’s finally running away from.
𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘦. 𝘐’𝘮 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘦. 𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦’𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦.
Romance has not even crossed Lucy’s mind as a concern. Sam would always dodge the question every time Michael would ask him about a girl he likes. She always thought that Sam would be a late bloomer, or maybe he was the type of guy that was just too shy to go ahead and ask people, especially while he’s already being slammed in lockers all day. She didn’t think not being interested in girls while he was fourteen years old was something that Sam was ashamed of. She definitely was not preparing for what Sam wrote down the line below it; a realization that would explain why he would promise Lucy that there was something wrong with him and he couldn’t tell anyone what it is.
In a barely legible font, Sam wrote 𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐’𝘥 𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 :(
Lucy dropped the book and crossed her arms, tapping her feet on the floor and just letting herself cry.
In hindsight, it was obvious that Sam might be gay. Lucy tries not to think about stereotypes. She’s met plenty of feminine straight men and masculine gay men. But Sam’s discomfort anytime his brother asked about crushes or girls suddenly made sense. There was the Rob Lowe obsession that Lucy originally clocked as hero worship, but there were also friendships that he couldn’t stop thinking about and even moments where he would describe another man’s appearance with intense specificities that only a crushing Sam Emerson could come up with. He never had those observations about a girl. But Lucy feels like a deer in headlights — she absolutely did not see this coming.
Denial was her best friend.
Lucy could always rationalize the things that her ex husband warned her about with the defense of puberty. Nail polish and sneakers are just what’s trendy at the moment; Sam will grow out of it and become the man that he was meant to be. It would keep the currents calm for a little while and it will give Sam a chance to grow into a more subdued version of himself that’s far less dangerous and more palatable than what he currently is now. Here in writing is conformation that this isn’t just a trend. It is concrete evidence of something that is “weak” about Sam, a broken piece of him that nobody could fix.
Logically, Lucy recognizes that Sam doesn’t need fixing. He just needs a few hugs and some empathy. A normal, cute boy his age that will make him feel special was preferred but not required. That’s all that many of the homosexuals at Lucy’s commune twenty years ago wanted. Sam is just like many of those men. Lucy wishes he got to know some of them before Lucy met Clarence, before Sam was forced to himself in his loneliness and despair, with comics as his only comfort.
But there’s a voice in her head, a part of her that is muted whenever Lucy is talking to Sam, that acknowledges that Lucy never wanted this life for him. It would be so much easier if this was just a fad like Clarence said about hippie counterculture on his second date with Lucy, or even if Sam was a just a little sensitive but still was into girls. A pang of guilt hits Lucy’s stomach because she knows this kid. She knows that all Sam wants is to be “normal” and for his feelings to go away.
Lucy doesn’t know much about homosexuality, but she does know that it’s something that doesn’t go away, no matter how much Sam wills it. Even the proudest men in the commune would recall times when they dated and even married women before being themselves. Their stories were painful, but they weren’t tangible to Lucy until this moment. She thinks about how Sam could have been trying to ignore or even modify his attractions so he can be like his brother and father.
Sam’s handwriting is usually by far the neatest of the four Emersons, but the word 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 was written in messy, tiny letters. The frowny face did not have the intense amount of detail that is pivotal to Sam’s drawings; it was just a circle, two dots, and a frown that went beyond its head and on to the edge of the paper. Lucy hugged the diary and imagined Sam trying to write it down, his hands trembling as he acknowledged his “failings”. She notices the rip of the paper, and imagines Sam becoming so upset with his thoughts that he tried to aggressively erase them, but there was no erasing what was true.
As Lucy thinks about Sam’s life going forward, her palms begin to sweat. What if the wrong people find out and hurt him even more? What if the wrong people were those that he trusted? What if he develops a crush on a boy who is too bigoted and self absorbed to recognize that being Sam Emerson’s crush is an honor? Worse, what if he never tells anyone and marries a woman because he thinks that is what Lucy would want?
This is the same Sam who sends personalized letters to his acquaintances when they are in the hospital, acquaintances that often bully and taunt him. This is the same Sam who buys Michael a soda with his own allowance every time he goes to the comic book store. This is the same Sam who makes Lucy laugh when things become bleak, the same Sam that gives her fashion advice when no one else would. He’s already been hurt. This poor kid doesn’t need another target on his back.
Then, Lucy starts thinking, what about the men who will hurt him in other ways? The ones who will give all of their adoration and love to Sam for the first few years, before showing a darker side of themselves that Sam can no longer escape from? The kinds of men that Lucy has encountered her entire life. What if they cut him off from his money and friends and from Lucy herself? What if he manages to escape but, for whatever reason, there is no one available to him to contact?
What if Sam’s dad finds out? Thank God they’re leaving soon, but anything can happen in a few days. What if he hurts Sam even further? He doesn’t need his father to tell him that something is wrong with him; clearly already thinks that himself. Sam has caught onto the overt subtext that his dad would kill him.
And unlike Michael, Sam has been desperate to capture his father’s approval. It never worked. He was shrugged off at best and insulted at worse. Lucy’s heart beats faster at the thought of her husband somehow finding out about this.
Lucy keeps skimming through her son’s diary without properly reading any of the sentences.
𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘪𝘵.
None of this is her baby’s fault—
𝘐’𝘮 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘋𝘢𝘥 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘥 𝘢𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦.
Sam didn’t do anything to deserve this—
𝘐’𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘮𝘦.
He is a strong kid, he’ll find a way—
𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘦.
Every thought racing through Lucy’s mind halted after reading those five words.
𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘦.
Lucy was crying before, but now she was crumpled on her knees, head between her legs, and gutturally sobbing. Her cries sounded more like screams, but she didn’t care about how loud she was being. She was also neglectful of her own breath and her empty lungs, gasping for air in between yelling.
Sam was one of the two best things that have ever happened to Lucy. Even as she was reading this diary, she never even thought about considering if she still loves her son. Sam is one of the nicest and strongest people in the world. He always manages to pick himself back up after falling. His smile might not have been as common as it used to be, but it was still bright and comforting. Sam Emerson was not hard to love.
Lucy is tough. In the sixties, when Barry Goldwater was a true threat and when life was even less fair than it is now, and when the world treated people harshly for things they couldn’t control, Lucy stayed in her happy-go-lucky commune and fought for a better tomorrow. When she left the commune for her future husband and became homeless, Lucy worked and worked and worked to make sure that Clarence was not the only breadwinner of the house. When his lips became poisoned with alcohol, Lucy stayed put until she could no longer protect her sons. This was nothing she couldn’t handle.
Sam is tough too. Throughout the constant bullying, never once did Sam fake being sick in order to avoid school. He found a healthy coping mechanism in his comic books and he stuck to it. Even after the horrific things that Clarence has done to him and his family, Sam’s kindness never wavered.
It will badly hurt, but Sam will be okay if he’s betrayed. He will be okay if a guy mistreats him, the way that Lucy is okay even after twenty years with an abusive man. Because, through it all, Sam has his brother (Michael probably figured this out before she did) and in time he will learn that there is nothing wrong with him. He will find the people that love him for who he is. He’ll find a beautiful man who will be so lucky to have him.
And he has his mother, who will stick by him no matter what. She will listen to him when he’s lamenting about his crushes, and she will hold his hand whenever he wants to tell somebody else. If he ever apologizes for it, he will immediately be stopped. If Lucy isn’t anything else, she’ll be a damn good mother for both of her sons, and she will make sure that her Sammy doesn’t see anything wrong with himself.
Lucy dried her tears and stood herself up, patting her dress and taking Sam’s diary to her room where Clarence cannot get to it. She knows that she has to tell Sam that she read his diary. She knows that, morally, she should not have done that. But Lucy would let the world know all of her flaws if it means that her son knows that he will always have a place in her life.
She will not fail her son.
***
Later that day, Lucy asked Michael to tell Sam to head to her room. Clarence was out with his sleazy friends that night, and the move will be enough stress for all three of them, so this was the best time to have this conversation with her youngest. She isn’t looking forward to this, but she’s ready to get it over with and she’s ready to bombard this kid with love.
Michael, on Lucy’s behalf, promised Sam that he was not in trouble. He also promised to hang out in the living room and watch television. Lucy is so lucky to have such a fine teenager as her eldest child. She knows not to scare Sam even more tonight with the possibility of his brother overhearing their conversation. This needed to be between Lucy and Sam.
When Sam walked into Lucy’s room, she patted the spot next to her on her bed. Sam didn’t notice the diary in his mother’s arms until he was there, immediately turning white when he sees it. He takes it with force and Lucy could tell how nervous this poor boy was. Before Lucy says anything, he wraps himself and his diary in his arms and can barely look at Lucy, tears beginning to form.
“Did you read this?” Sam asks, sounding and looking so small.
“Sammy…” Lucy hesitates, nodding.
Before she can get into a horridly prepared speech, Sam forces himself away from the bed. He is about to run away again until Lucy holds his hand. She hopes that her eyes are telling him to stay, but it doesn’t seem to matter anyways because Sam involuntarily crumples on the floor in spite of himself, unable to keep his composure or keep his breath.
God, he really is just like his mom.
“I ruin everything.” Sam says in between his shaky voice. “I’m so sorry, mom, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, mom. Please, I didn’t mean to.”
Abandoning her speech, Lucy tries to reach out to Sam, but he ducks and covers his ears. Lucy gets off of her bed to face Sam on the floor, waiting until he opens his eyes to touch him. When he does, she gently takes Sam’s wrists away from his ears and holds both of his hands. Sam’s eyes were red and unbelieving.
“Sammy, I love you.” She says, squeezing his hand as a means to promise him that this is true. “I don’t want you to ever think I would not love you. Especially not over something like this.”
Lucy decides that it’s best to let Sam talk, even though she cannot wait to argue with him about what he says.
“I know that it’s wrong.” Sam said slowly. “I know that I’m supposed to like girls but I can’t…I just…I feel happy when…when I…I imagine myself…having a boyfriend and I…I don’t know why…I…I’m gay and…and that’s why dad hates me! I ruined this family, I ruined it! I’m a freak!”
Lucy interrupts his words with a tight hug as Sam weeps on the shoulder pad of Lucy’s pink dress. “Sammy, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not a freak.” Lucy whispers in his ear.
“But…but dad…”
“He’s the one that’s wrong, baby, not you.”
Sam wiggles his way out of the hug and looks at Lucy as if she just turned into a vampire. In his eyes, Lucy saw fear and self loathing with a hint of relief. But, as Lucy expected, he’s not done.
“Then why…why is everyone so…so mean?” Sam asked. “I know…I know…comics…comics aren’t supposed to…supposed to be…realistic but…but all the male heroes like girls and the female heroes like guys…”
Lucy shakes her head. She hasn’t really thought about that part of his plight. She never really considered how alone he must feel, not even having any of his favorite characters to look up to. It was like how there weren’t many strong female characters for Lucy to look up to when she was a kid.
“Honey, you are a hero.” Lucy says. She wasn’t planning on saying that, but she truly means it. The world may not see it yet, but this guy is far cooler than any fictional character ever could be. “You are my hero, and I am so, so proud of you. You are kind, smart, and brave, and you will find the people besides me who love you for who you are. If Phoenix doesn’t get it…hell, if dad doesn’t get it, they don’t deserve you.”
Sam leaps into Lucy’s arms again and Lucy feels like crying herself. She wants to know how long this has been going on. What kind of stuff was he too embarrassed to write about? When did he realize this about himself, how long did he know? How long did he go thinking that his mom and brother wouldn’t love him?
“Mommy?” Sam asks, and Lucy’s heart melts. Neither of the boys have called her mommy since they were ten and seven respectively.
“Yes, honey?”
“Please don’t tell Michael. Or…or dad…”
“I promise I won’t, baby.” Lucy says, pushing Sam’s hair away from his forehead. “I’m sorry for reading your diary. I was just so worried about you.”
“It’s okay…thanks…”
“And, honey, you don’t have to tell Michael.” Lucy said in the same breath. “But Michael loves you so much, kiddo, you know that right? He’d be happy for you, I promise.”
“Really?” One of Lucy’s heroes asks, hope glimmering in his face.
“Yes, Sammy, he loves you. And if you want to talk about boys with me, I’m here for you. Even if they cannot dress themselves.”
Now Sam is blushing. And maybe…laughing? “Mom!”
“I’m sorry, honey!” Lucy chuckles. “But Rob Lowe cannot pull those glasses off. One of these days, I have to show you a James Bond movie. Sean Connery is the most attractive man in the world.”
Between fits of laughter, Sam argued his case that Rob Lowe is the handsomest person that has ever existed and will ever exist. Lucy agreed with none of it, but she was happy to be talking to Sam like this. No matter what happens, nothing will be able to take away Lucy’s love for Sam, not even his abysmal taste in men.
***
In 1997, Lucy was happy to watch Sam’s dreams come true.
As Lucy expected him to be, Sam became a comic book writer. His characters were for kids like himself, who never felt like they quite fit in with the rest of their peers. Many of them had absent fathers, were bullied when they weren’t saving the day, or were struggling with their identities. Lucy’s favorite character of Sam’s is the Thorn Woman, whose real name was Lily Henderson and managed to save the entire world from the evil Clarence Thornton, her ex-husband. The only real difference between Lucy and the fictitious Lily was that Lily had a damsel-in-distress who she married on the comic’s 100th edition.
Michael’s favorite comic that Sam ever wrote was his first one that has only been seen by Lucy, Michael, and his girlfriend Star. It was an autobiographical four panels that thanked Michael for being the best big brother ever. On the bottom of the comic, Sam told him that he’s queer (In multiple senses of the word), and he appreciates how Michael was never bothered by that. The comic is framed and hung up in Michael’s basement.
Sam, of course, had a very tragic love life while he was in High School. One of his crushes during his freshman year called him a pansy, but Sam proudly responded by exclaiming that he’s “a pansy with a crossbow” and killed his crush to protect his older brother from becoming a full vampire (Santa Carla was weirder than Lucy remembered as a kid.). Sam has had a boyfriend since 1994, a kind and handsome guy that was just as creative as he was. They live in a small apartment, not far from the house that once belonged to Lucy’s father but now belongs to her. Now, everything makes sense.
They’re not perfect. There are still days when Lucy misses having another parent around. There are moments where Michael and Star deal with emotional breakdowns for their traumatic pasts. And there are still times when Sam forgets how he has nothing to be ashamed of. But those days become rarer and rarer as time goes on, and Santa Carla starts to feel like home for everyone.
Lucy was right. Sam is a hero. It’s cool to be queer. And Lucy couldn’t be more proud of him.