Chapter Text
There was a distant glow. A humming hue-shifting light from a creature of many eyes. It swam in the inky abyss, unbound from gravity. Gangle was stood alone in the aquarium, silently observing. Her mask stuck to the glass, almost merging with it. It was cool and warm at the same time, an impossibly thin barrier. Like she could just reach out hard enough and she'd be able to break through to the other side. To join the abstracted in the freedom of the dark.
But she wasn't on that side of the glass.
In the empty aquarium, the darkness was suffocating. She could only ever manage to stay down there for a few minutes at a time, before the feeling became overwhelming. She thought that it was the right thing to do. To come down, pay respects to her friends, but every visit became harder. With each repetition of the ritual, she found it more and more difficult to bring herself to utter the words.
"I'm sorry."
She hoped Jax could hear her, and prayed that he never would. Her mind flashed with memories of the torment, and her body tensed up in protest. It was unnatural. Her mask shook, as if it refused to partake in such a gross denial of what seemed logical.
"I'm so sorry."
She stepped away from the glass, and ran.
Despite her lightness and the flowy nature of her movement, the silence of the aquarium made her steps feel like explosions in the sky. Her eyes were shut, but it made no difference anyway. Her body moved on its own, filled with the singular goal of escaping the many eyes in the dark.
She ran. Faster, and faster, almost tripping on the steps. She had to keep moving, so she didn't stand up again. She kept going, almost crawling. Scampering up the steps, chasing the streak of light at the top. Escape was so close. All she had to do was get there.
She clasped around the side and wormed her way out of it, pulling herself through with what strength she had.
It was okay. She made it. She didn't even care if anyone could see her. She was alive.
Time passed.
Gangle heard the sound of footsteps approaching. The disjointed clicking and mechanical nature of it told her who it was.
"Hey, you alright?"
Gangle opened her eyes. It was Zooble. Their hand was already extended and reaching out to her.
"Yeah! I just tripped on the way back up, that's all." Gangle smiled as she took her friend's hand, and stood up.
"I didn't know you visited the aquarium. I can't stand it down there. It's kinda creepy." Zooble said.
Gangle looked behind her to make sure the door was shut. She scanned the border between the door and the frame, almost expecting the watchful dark to follow her. "Oh I don't usually go. I just… I thought I would today!" she stuttered.
Zooble squinted her eyes. "Right. Well. I'm heading back to my room. Pomni is up to something, and I wanna hide before she remembers to call me in." She went to turn away, but hesitated for a moment, gesturing for Gangle to join.
"Oh, can I come with?" Gangle asked.
"Of course."
In the quiet halls of the circus, Gangle walked alone. Behind her, Zooble followed. They passed several doors with portraits of various former friends, almost all striked out with a blood-red mark. Gangle tried to avert her gaze from these reminders, the oppressive feeling of how empty the circus is was somehow always there. It was like closing your eyes and still seeing the monster at the foot of the bed.
Then, instinctually, she stopped. She was at her own door. One of the few lacking that mark. It was at the far end of the hallway. Going home always necessitated this silent procession past the dead. Her hand raised to open her door, but stopped just before it turned the knob. There was only one other face near hers that remained free of the red cross. A singular light in that darkness. She turned to her friend.
"Do you think that out there we're friends too?" She asked.
"I don't know. Honestly, I don't really care much, either." Zooble replied, eyes rolling.
Gangle's mouth shook. "You're not curious at all?"
"I mean… maybe a little. I guess"—they shrugged— "Who wouldn't be? But I'm not losing sleep over it. Riley's their own person now. Whoever they are is someone who hasn't been stuck here for god knows how long. That isn't me." Zooble stepped away from their door, and moved towards Gangle.
"I… I guess. You're right." Gangle sighed. She had more to say, but why bother? She knew that Zooble was right. Their counterparts in the real world are so far divorced from who they are now, it would be insane to think they're still the same people. Still, she was less interested in what Zooble's actual guess was.
She felt something on her arm. Zooble had leaned over, and was holding her side.
"Hey. I know. It's tempting to think about it. But that doesn't matter, OK?"she paused. "Trust me, I've spent my fair share of time thinking about the what-ifs. End of the day, the only thing it really reinforces is what matters. That's what's here and now."
Gangle lowered her arm away from the door. Zooble let go of her and moved back to their own.
"There's no point in giving up so much energy to a version of you that you will never be. A version of you that isn't you." A tinge of sadness paints their voice.
Gangle shook off whatever lingered of the moment. Zooble always knew what the right words were. The right words to quell the worries, the right words to move on, the right words to ignore the problem.
"Thank you, Zooble," she strained out a smile.
"Anytime."
The two entered their respective rooms, alone.
Gangle leaned back against the door behind her, and let out a long breath. Her ribbons relaxed in the darkness of the room. She took the moment to savour the comfort of the silence in the room. It was different to the rest of the circus. Outside the door, it was the uneasy quiet of an abandoned world. Inside the room, it was the tranquility of no-one watching.
No-one, except for herself.
She tensed up lightly, before opening her eyes to see her own reflection staring back at her from across the room. There stood a mirror, dimly lit by lights nestled in the wall. Her eyes immediately shifted to the papers right below it. Various pages and notebooks with sketches and writings, the outlet of her hopes and dreams.
Gangle sighed as she hopped over her bed and onto the chair in front of her desk. She tried her best to ignore the rows of broken and poorly patched up comedy masks lining the wall. As if on queue, her mind began to wander as her red right ribbon wrapped around a pencil and brought it to a blank page. She could attend to the masks later.
Her mind, as it often did, wandered to Zooble. Why didn't they care? It was obvious to her, at least, how important it was that they were friends in the real world. It was proof. Proof that their friendship was meant to be. Yes, they were friends in the circus, or at least Gangle thinks so. They've been through a lot in the past few days. She worried about the foundation of the friendship. If it was real. If it was meant to be. If Jax didn't bully her, would they still be friends? If she wasn't just a broken person for Zooble to fix, would they still be friends? If the circus wasn't so empty, if there was actually life in it, would they still be friends? She wondered if, at the end of the day, Zooble chose her, or if she was just the easy option. She wondered if it was meant to be.
She continued drawing, her scribbles growing more frantic with every stroke.
Maybe they didn't care. She knew that she was always a mess, it's how everyone knows her after all. Don't bother consoling Gangle, she'll be fine as soon as she fixes her comedy mask again! Don't bother trying to get to know her; it's not like there's much to know anyway. She knew that Zooble was trying to get closer with her, but how would they react when they find out that there's no one there to get close to? It was her gimmick after all. There wasn't a wholesome, flawed but true self behind the masks. She was the masks.
The pencil tip chipped off.
And what of Jax? She couldn't cry when he abstracted. Did anyone notice that? Would they think she was heartless? Maybe they would forgive her with how much Jax abused her. Still, he was a friend. People cry when their friends die, and she couldn't. She couldn't help but wonder what that meant. She wanted to cry. To weep for him. But she couldn't. There was no winning with him. Even now. After he's dead. He's gone, and she still loses. He's gone and he still torments her. He's gone, and she'll never convince him to see her as a friend again.
A knocking rang out into the room. Gangle fell off the chair.
The muffled voice of a friendly jester emerges. "Gangle? There's a place I wanna show you guys."
She quickly jumped back up and looked at the drawing she just made. It would have to wait for now. Gangle scrambled to find an unbroken comedy mask, and went to open the door.
As she expected, in front of her was the small figure of Pomni. Behind her was Ragatha and Zooble, whose antenna was twitching. Pomni beamed at her.
"Hey, if you're up for it, I'm gathering everyone to go on one of Caine's old adventures. The snowy mountain one? I don't know if you were there for it," said Pomni.
Gangle closed her eyes to recall. "Yeah! I was there. It was nice, though the wind kept almost picking me up. And Jax—" Gangle caught herself and shut up. "It was… a good adventure," she stammered.
"Well, that's not exactly the right word for what we'll do this time. I wanted to go there for…well, I just thought it would be neat! You know, it's been a while since we'd all been on an trip outside of the circus, and I understand why. I mean seriously, with everything that's been going on and—" Ragatha put a hand on Pomni's shoulder, who by this point had begun flailing her arms around.
"I think what Pomni wants to say is that we could all benefit from a little break!" Ragatha beamed with that iconic Ragatha positivity that always seemed just a little out of place.
"Wait, where's Kinger?" Gangle asked. Ragatha looked over her shoulder, as if expecting him to be right behind her.
"Oh, he said something about wanting some time to himself." Ragatha replied.
"Is… that a good idea? I mean, I know he's been more sane with the bucket on, but I don't know if it's good for any of us to be alone right now." Zooble said.
"Maybe Caine is with him! But he's Kinger. I'm sure he'll be fine. Besides, I think Pomni really wants to go. Like, right now," said Ragatha.
"I hope he's alright…" Gangle muttered, before stepping out of the room and shutting the door behind her. She smiled at the rest of her friends, though the black line across her face trembled. "Back to Snowy Mountain then!" she gave an exaggerated thumbs up.
Pomni, who was twitching in place, promptly snapped out of her trance. "Huh? Oh, right. Yeah! Let's go!"
"Is she alright?" Gangle asked, looking to Ragatha, who replied with only a shrug.
With a sigh, Gangle took her place by Zooble's side. It had been a long time since she wore her comedy mask. She is not what she is.
Together, they set off.