Archive of Our Own

Nathaniel Wesninski was born January 19. Neil Josten was born March 31st. Allison had called him an Aries baby and Dan side eyed her over breakfast.

“What?” Allison shrugged, unaffected, “Tell me he’s not an absolute Aries baby,”

“You know that astrology stuff is bullshit,” Dan scoffed, a spoon of cereal halfway to her mouth. Allison rolled her eyes, crossing one leg over the other. Her rhinestone stilettos glinted on the light scattered across their dorm floor.

It wasn't Neils dorm anymore.

Dan and Matt had called a designated sleepover the night before. This consisted of eating a stomach ache inducing amount of Mexican, watching movies Neil had never seen, and talking until they couldn't hold themselves up. They were allowed to call one per semester unless there were extenuating circumstances. As it was their last semester, they've called it four times. Allison had joined them this time and controlled most of the movie choices. Dan hadn't slept more than an hour and Allison hadn't sleep. She told them she'd sleep when she got to her dorm but Neil assumed by the heaviness of her makeup she hadn't been sleeping for days.

“Shove it, Dan. I know you read your horoscope out of Matt’s newspaper,” Allison said, teeth visible in her sneer. Her leg bounced slightly and Allison jingled. Her shoes had a little bell attached to the ankle strap that tinkled when she moved. Neil liked the bell. Dan scoffed a second time and the sneer settled into a smile. “Glass houses, Danielle,” Allison said, beaming at her, and Dan’s fingers tensed around her coffee.

“Don’t call me that,” Dan snapped. Allison opened her mouth to no doubt call her Danielle again but the door to their dorm opened and Nicky stepped in, a smile on his face and Matt behind him. Neil turned to face them instead of the argument that was building. Matt tossed his keys down on the table and moved in to kiss Dan on the crown of her head, placing the coffee run in front of her.

"Oh thank god, our coffee tastes like ass," Dan said. Matt took her mug and dumped it with a hum.

“Is Andrew with you?” Neil asked as he was passed a cup. Nicky sighed.

“We dropped him and Kevin off at the court,”  he said. “What are we up to here?”

Neil spoke at the same time as Dan,

“Can you take me to court?”

“We’re planning Neil’s birthday.”

“Ooh!” Nicky perked up before he slid onto the couch next to Neil. “Yes, yes. Your birthday.”

“Don’t say it like that,” Neil said. It didn’t matter. He knew from the moment Nicky stepped foot in the room his fate was sealed. They were going to throw another party.

“Birthday,” Nicky repeated. “Wait the thirty first? Oh shoot you’d be an Aries,” Nicky let out a laugh that Neil didn't quite understand.

“Isn’t he such an Aries?!” Allison sat up in her chair and Nicky nodded.

“Red hair to match,” Nicky mused, turning to the side to study him. Neil grimaced.

“So party plans so far?” Nicky asked eventually, pulling his attention away and Allison erupted with ideas, words Neil couldn’t listen to. He had gotten much more comfortable with the Foxes kindness but this was still too much. And they didn't have a stellar track record with Neil's birthdays. Last year Kevin got so drunk he made out with Aaron and that had set off Andrew which in turn ruined everyone’s night. Neil spent his birthday telling Kevin to drink water and hide.

Twenty would be worse. He could feel it.

“I don’t want a party,” Neil said but the Neil centric chatter smothered that. Eventually Matt took pity on him and drove him to the stadium. He didn’t speak for most of the ride but when he put the car in park, he cleared his throat.

Neil looked at him, not going to speak first. Matt opened his mouth and closed it twice before he finally said something.

“At the risk of sounding like a bad person, this birthday party isn’t about you.”

“It’s my birthday,” Neil deadpanned and Matt glanced over.

“Yeah no of course but my point is the party is for them-“

“It’s my birthday,”

“Look, Neil. I don’t get it either okay. But we graduate in the spring and they want this party. They’re not going to drop it unless you threaten to drop off the face of the earth again and decide to get owned and tortured by another gang then-“

“Are you using my kidnapping to manipulate me, Matt?” Neil’s face was blank and his words had no edge but Matt squirmed under his stare.

“Get the fuck out of my truck.” Matt said after a moment. Neil nodded his head once and slipped out. Matt called after him as he made his way to the stadium.

“It’s only one night! You’ll have fun!”

March 31st- Sophmore Year.

“Andrew,” Neil hissed after him. Andrew didn’t answer. The only thing Neil heard was the rocking of floating docks and the waves hitting the wood beams underneath him. He had walked far enough from the party that the music had faded into bass that disappeared in the rush of the water. “Andrew, I swear I will-“

“You’ll what?” Andrew said, suddenly behind him. Neil didn’t jump but his skin began to crawl, fire stretching over him. Neil turned around but Andrew wasn’t there. “Oh, tell me Neil, you swear you’ll what? I’m deathly curious.” He said from where Neil had been facing before. Neil turned around again and Andrew was watching him. The dock lamp illuminated his hair strangely and elongated his lashes like spider webs down his pale cheeks.

“I’ll kill you,” Neil answered and the corner of Andrew’s mouth drew up in an almost smile.

“Cute,” was all he said. Neil watched him with his hands buried in his jacket, the wind blowing blonde hair from his forehead and the almost nonexistent chattering of his teeth. Neil had been following Andrew through the chill for half an hour.

“Is there a reason you had me follow you through a maze?” Neil asked and Andrew blinked once before turning away and continuing down the dock. Neil followed in matching silence, this time much closer. Instead of watching a glimpse of Andrew slip a corner 300 feet in front of him every once in a while through the shipyard, Neil followed him a step behind.

Andrew came to stop almost at the end of a dock and out here there were no lights. Neil could see vague outlines and nothing more. Suddenly there was a hand on his arm and waist and Andrew guided him to a set of stairs. Andrew led him up and then guided Neil’s hands out to feel the railing of a boat. Neil gripped and climbed on.

Neil had only been on a boat a couple times when his mother couldn’t make an airport work. They’d spent a month in Greece and the boats there were barely held together by duck tape. They rocked salt water into your face, had you shoulder to shoulder with old men, and smelled like fish drying in the sun. This was different.

Though Neil couldn’t see anything, he could already tell this was different. The ground under his shoes was soft, carpeted and the railings were a clean and cool metal. The boat rocked a little and Neil glanced back.

“Are you going to kill me?” Neil asked and Andrew, from somewhere behind him, put a hand between his shoulder blades and pushed him forward.

“You ask after getting on the boat? How did you live so long while so stupid?”

Neil let the ‘you’ die on his tongue. Andrew knew this and was too sober from what Neil remembered to tolerate the sentimental. Instead he moved deeper into the boat and the small hallway opened up to a back open space. Neil tripped on a chair at the same time Andrew turned on the lights. The boat wasn’t huge but Neil stood on the stern and there were little string lights and some strewed birthday decorations over the lounge furniture. Beyond them was empty water, soft currents.

“Wh-“

“I knew you’d hate the party.” Andrew said like it explained all.

“So you-“ Neil tried again but soon Andrew was behind him, kissing the back of his neck. Neil let out a breath.

“Are we allowed to be here?” Neil asked, tilting his neck to the right so Andrew had more skin to nip and touch. “Or are you about to get us both ankle monitors and stuck in between dorm and court for forever?”

Andrew’s mouth stopped right under Neil’s ear and Neil nearly whined. They’d been doing this for over a year and yet Neil hadn't found any control. Whenever Andrew touched him, Neil was convinced his head was full of cotten and clouds and when Andrew stopped it was always a hard drop back to the ground. Andrew had learned this and overtime made ways to lower him softer.

Andrew nipped at his earlobe before pulling away entirely.

“Are you implying I stole a boat?”

“Yes,” Neil said simply. Andrew almost laughed, subdued, as he poured liquor into two cups. It was Neil’s turn to crowd him. Neil came up behind his back, not touching but close enough that if Andrew took a deep breath his spine would press into Neil. With his hands clasped behind his back, he watched Andrew over his shoulder make some form of cocktail that he would no doubt be made to drink. “Did you steal the boat?”

“Answering takes all the fun away,” Andrew said, opening a can of seltzer and pouring it to the top of one cup and adding only a splash to the other. Neil reached over him to take which he knew was his. He tried not to spill the full cup all over Andrew and took a sip.

“Forcing me to drink on a stolen boat? Wymack is going to kill you if you get me arrested.” Andrew tasted his own before he turned around, now nearly chest to chest with Neil. He looked up at Neil and sipped his drink.

“Ye of little faith,” Andrew teased. “Forced is a funny choice of words,” Neil sipped his drink willingly, watching Andrew and Andrew let a small smile spread over his mouth, exposing sharp teeth. “You’re wasting time,” Andrew said and Neil raised an eyebrow.

“What?” Neil asked, sipping the bitter and sparkling drink again.

“You,” Andrew pressed their chests together and everything in Neil ground to a halt. Every breath, every pump of blood, every muscle in his digestive track that was tolerating alcohol and the party food Renee had brought, stopped, “are wasting time.” Andrew’s hand slid over his hips, a finger looping in Neil’s belt loop. He tugged before pulling away and disappearing into the cabin with a click of his teeth. Neil followed without a word.

Sometime Mid March- Junior Year

The Elderly

Allison: Neil come on, your party last year was so fun

Neil: No.

Dan: Neil!!!!!!!!!! Let us come see you!!!!!!!!!

Matt: if either of you think you’re getting Neil to agree to another party over text you’re out of your minds.

Renee: I have to agree with Matt

Allison: No, Andrew will make him do it.

Matt: is Andrew even in this chat anymore?

Dan: no he left months ago when you made a joke about Neil crashing his car

Matt: I remember that. that was funny

Neil: It was not funny.

Nicky: oh my god that day is one of my favorites. watching him get up to see if his car was in the parking lot. when it wasn’t. god he was a basket case.

Neil: Stop talking about Andrew.

Nicky: Matt you almost died for that joke. Neil dead on the side of the highway doesn’t go down easy

Matt: I NEVER SAID HE DIED.

Matt: I SAID HIS CAR WAS TOTALED.

Nicky: same difference

Allison: no there’s a clear difference

Dan: didn’t he give you a black eye

Matt: bye. i forgot about that.

Neil: Stop talking about Andrew

Matt: i miss that crazy bitch.

Allison: then let’s throw Neil a birthday party. His birthday is the perfect time for all of us to get together again and it could be really fun.

Neil: No.

Allison: you’re so ungrateful. You should be lucky i even talk to you after last year. Andrew threw up on MY BOAT. THAT HE FORCED ME TO GIVE HIM.

Neil: He was seasick

Allison: then he should have taken Dramamine like a sane person and not thrown up on my boat.

Nicky: how was intense was the motion of the ocean that he threw up?

Nicky: haha get it, double entendres. they fucked on your boat.

Neil Josten left ‘The Elderly’

March 30th - Junior Year

Neil doesn’t understand how they keep getting away with this. He was at least grateful this year they were back in Columbia at Eden’s. This year the goal was getting Neil as drunk as possible for his twenty first. Neil secretly planned to drive everyone else home.

His plan was quickly derailed. Everybody wanted to take a shot with him and Andrew reminded him it was rude to deny. Neil thought Andrew just wanted him drunk because soon Neil was spinning but Andrew kept directing people his way.

Dan had dragged him onto the floor with a drink for him in hand at the point where he’d officially lost count. The lighting was spinning around him and the music echoed through loose limbs but Neil drank anyway. Dan began to dance, the smooth lines of her body rolling to the music. She put her hands on his waist and pulled him closer. Neil, for some reason, began to dance with her. He’d never been a dancer but the alcohol begged him to move his body somehow and the music felt good. Neil's skin buzzed at the way it echoed into his bones, vibrating him from the inside. Dan smelled like she always did, coconuts and jasmine, tonight she also reeked of booze. Or maybe that was Neil. Dan lined them up and slung her arms over Neil's neck. Neil shuddered slightly at the feeling of being watched. He knew from the way the hairs on the his arms stood up.

Neil, even through the drunken haze, knew that if he looked up, he'd find Andrew's eyes.

Dan felt the same and she gave Neil a wicked grin before she dragged her hands down his chest to his hips. She pulled their hips together and began to moved him in time to the new song.

“Follow me,” she mouthed and Neil did as he was told. Dan began to sing along as both of them pressed against each other, rocking to the beat Neil wasn't very familiar with. Her arms were back around Neil’s neck and his were around her waist. He assumed it looked sexual to an outside eye but it was just Dan. Even as Dan sang to him with their bodies pressed together, it was still just Dan. She lowered Neil slightly both of them bending towards the floor at the beat drop, hips softly grinding. “I just wanna kiss you but I can’t right now so baby kiss me through the phone,” Dan couldn’t help that she drunk wailed along with any music that played and Neil didn’t mind. He knew Dan would sing if she had more than three drinks in her and and he barely noticed her blending with the music as Neil had finally looked up.

“Kiss me through the phone, see you when I got home,”

Neil found Andrew in an instant. Andrew was already watching him, tracking, hunting. Neil licked his lips. “I really wanna kiss you but I can’t” Dan continued to shout and move his hips in directions Neil wasn’t sure they were meant to go in and Andrew’s grip on his beer was deadly. Neil’s heart hammered in his chest. Dan was guiding him, physically rolling him to each beat. She was showing him how to release, how to move like she could move. He eventually let go and did, eyes still on Andrew as he relaxed into the beat. Dan squeezed his hip in praise and they danced like that for a moment, Neil so consumed by the music, by Andrew, he let himself slip apart into the lights, into the cotten and clouds.

Soon Dan demanded Neil’s attention by leaning up to talk in his ear.

“Is he watching?” She asked and Neil nodded, mouth dry and his mind floating elsewhere. “You’re both sick freaks,” Dan said, kissing his cheek and Neil couldn’t help his drunken smile. “Kiss me through the phone!” Dan shouted as her hands left his body and she disappeared into the crowd. Neil stood there awkwardly for a moment before unfamiliar hands wrapped over his chest from behind.

“You’re cute, you can dance,” a man said in his ear but before Neil even opened his mouth, before he could pull away, the man cried out in pain. He was folded over to try and fix the uncomfortable angle his arm was now in. Andrew sipped his beer with the hand that wasn't twisting the man’s arm to the point of almost fracture. Neil’s heartbeat picked up in his ears and Andrew, after what felt like an eternity, looked down at the man.

“Don’t touch,” Andrew said, voice somehow carrying over the music, “do you understand me?” He asked and the man let out a panicked sob. Andrew rotated the limb another click and the man screamed into the music. “Do you understand me?” Andrew asked again and the man nodded, sputtering out a yes. Andrew released him. “Leave us be,” Andrew snapped and the man was gone, hand clutched to his chest.

Neil spun a wild drunk stare on Andrew who looked like he had simply wandered over to say hello and not break limbs but before Neil could open his mouth, Nicky was at his side with a shot.

“Remember it’s rude,” Andrew joked and Neil glared at him, taking the shot and ignoring the bitter. Once Neil passed the glass back to Nicky, hands were on his waist. Andrew’s hands. Neil stopped breathing. He glanced to where Nicky had been but it was now filled with strangers dancing. Neil almost said something to Andrew but instead they began to move in time with the music. It was different than it had been with Dan. Dan had been fun, it was easy to be guided and he focused more on the awkward limbs of his body compared to how she moved with ease then anything else. Andrew shattered all of that. Neil felt such sharp electricity in every place Andrew touched, Neil wasn’t sure if he wasn’t just a bolt of lightening.

Neil was unaware of any part of his body that wasn’t pressed into Andrew and his heartbeat was almost loud enough to drown out the music. They breathed in time, their chests brushing and Andrew pressed their hips together. A twisted noise escaped Neil’s throat and Andrew began to move Neil like Dan had. The alcohol made Neil swim and his grip on Andrew tightened as he tilted his head closer to Andrew’s. Neil captured him in a kiss as their hips rolled together and then Andrew was gone, well, Andrew had moved. He moved around Neil, hands dragging across his torso and placed himself behind Neil. His fingers dug into Neil’s hipbones and soon they were moving again, Neil’s back pressed against Andrew’s chest.

Neil let his head fall back as Andrew led his hips from side to side, back onto him. Neil rolled his hips the way Dan had just shown him, Andrew’s thigh slotted between his legs. Neil's entire body felt like it was singed, sensitive. Andrew breathed against his back, over his ear. One of Andrew’s hands travelled up Neil’s chest until it rested at the base of his throat and Neil reached back, hands burying in Andrew’s hair. His head tipped back to Andrew’s shoulder as their hips moved with each hit of the bass. Neil turned his head and nipped at Andrew's cheek. Andrew ignored him in favor of hooking his fingers in Neil's belt loops and holding him flush. They danced like that until Neil was nearly too dizzy to stand, the blue purple club lights blurring his vision, more lost in Andrew than anything else he'd been given. Andrew seemed to notice the haze and led Neil back to the couch and table that was behind a curtain. The curtain was a new edition to Eden and Roland said they had a three strike rule before they weren't allowed privacy anymore. They were on strike two and their best behavior.

Neil doesn’t remember getting back to the couch. He does remember being collapsed into Andrew’s side. He muttered something incoherent in Andrew’s ear that made Andrew’s chest rumble in an almost nonexistent laughter.

“You’re drunk,” Andrew said to him and Neil groaned, burying his face in Andrew’s neck.

“So are you,” Neil slurred but even through the strongest drunken haze Neil had ever felt he knew it wasn’t true. Andrew was nursing his second beer of the night. There had been no shots or wine or cocktails. Just two blue moons. The rest of the crowd was more like Neil with the exception of Renee who was as steady as Andrew and seated across from them.

Dan and Matt were on the dance floor sucking face, Allison and Nicky were elsewhere chatting up a storm and likely finding marks to go home with. Kevin was watching Andrew and Neil through hooded drunk eyes before he stood up, stumbling against the table and knocking empty glasses over.

“Bad my,” Kevin slurred before he used Renee as a piece of furniture to balance on to escape quicker. He left them behind with no more words.

“He’s going to kiss Aaron,” Neil whispered and Andrew pinched his side.

“Shut up, you drunk.”

“Oh come on, it’s so funny,” Neil hiccupped. Neil was a little too drunk to notice the way Andrew raised two fingers and Renee dissapeared. He just noticed she was suddenly gone and they were effectively alone. “I want you to touch me,” Neil said and Andrew didn’t move, didn’t look at him. Neil placed a sloppy kiss to Andrew’s jaw and it jumped. “Can we go home?”

“Soon,” Andrew answered. Neil purred in his ear and moved closer to him, effectively trying to crawl into his skin but soon he was sat on Andrew’s lap instead. It would have to do. As Neil turned to leave open mouthed kisses on Andrew’s exposed skin, there was a glass being pushed into his hands. 

“M'no more,” Neil said, shaking his head.

“It’s water you birthday nightmare. Drink.” Andrew pressed the glass to Neil’s mouth and Neil obeyed, chugging until the glass was empty. Andrew made it disappear as Neil nuzzled into his neck again.

“Now can we go home?” Neil asked, placing a kiss over Andrew’s Adam’s apple. Andrew’s throat bobbed in response.

“You’ll have to get off me,” Andrew reminded and Neil let out an almost growl at the horrible reality.

“Fine then two more minutes,”

Andrew had gotten them back to the house, had Neil undressed of his outside clothes and tucked in bed with another two glasses of water in under half an hour.

Neil felt more clearminded now that they’d left the club and he was on his third glass of water, a fourth waiting on his nightstand. Andrew had made him a sandwich that also sat on the nightstand. Neil ate it while the shower ran. The shower didn’t stop once Neil was done eating which was unusual. Andrew was often in and out of his showers. He’d shower in scalding temperatures and be done in ten minutes whereas Neil would stand there even after the water sputtering from the head turned cold.

Neil frowned, glancing at the clock on the nightstand and then to the cracked bathroom door before he stood up, only stumbling slightly. He put a hand to the knob and debated before pushing himself in.

“Andrew?” He asked and was only met with the sound of running water and thick steam. Neil frowned. “Andrew, you’ve been in here for like half an hour.”

“Is that not how long normal people shower?” At the slur in his words, Neil moved without thinking. He pulled the curtain to see Andrew on the floor of the shower, knees to his chest and a whiskey bottle on the floor at his feet. He had his hand over the top to keep the water out.

“Wh-“ Neil began and Andrew waved him off with a groan. “We were just having a nice time.” Neil watched Andrew pick up the alcohol and take a swig.

“We still are,” Andrew said, voice sharp. “Now get out, Neil.”

“Why are you pushing me ou-“

“Neil.” Andrew’s tone was a warning and Neil closed the curtain. Unfortunately Neil was also stupid. He opened and closed the bathroom door, staying on the bathroom side and then began to strip the little pajamas Andrew had dressed him in. He then moved back to the shower, and being very careful to not touch Andrew, he crawled in on the other side of the bathtub.

Andrew barely spared him a glance as the hot water soaked Neil’s skin and removed the last dregs of drunkenness from him. He didn’t speak for a long time until Andrew held out the bottle for him.

“No thank you,” Neil said and Andrew let his head fall back against the tile, watching him. Neil bit down the urge to ask what he was looking for.

“You know you promised a drink per person, I never got my drink.” Andrew said and Neil raised an eyebrow.

“I had way more than one per person,” Neil said. Andrew was stone as he watched Neil stealing some of his water stream.

“We’re counting for Wymack, Abby and Dobson, and everyone knows Renee let you have Diet Coke for her turn, a cop out,”

“You run a tight ship,” Neil said and Andrew shrugged.

“Compliments from captain, unexpected,” Andrew said and Neil bristled. His first season as captain was coming to an end and they hadn’t done nearly as well as the last season with the Elderly still playing. They'd taken home the championship again under Dan and now they were a hot mess. Neil was extremely unhappy but everyone assured him it was the new team and praised them anyway. Well, everyone except Kevin who was equally unhappy. Kevin had chewed out a freshman so intensely after a game Wymack had to break it up and forced Kevin to do laps. Neil let her know that means he sees potential and she had started crying.

“Don’t call me that,” Neil said and Andrew’s laugh was twisted and mean. It made something in Neil’s chest pop.

“Aye aye, captain.” Andrew said and Neil refrained from kicking the bottle over and spilling its contents into the shower.

“What is happening right now?” Neil opted to say instead.

“Nothing at all, oh captain my captain,” Neil kicked the bottle with a shove of his foot and it fell between their legs, spilling into the shower. Neil went to pull away and stand but Andrew wrapped a hand around Neil’s ankle and tugged his foot so Neil slipped slightly, falling back into the tub. Neil caught himself and said nothing while Andrew kept a grip on his ankle and stared at the water falling off Neil’s shin. “I wanted to kill him,” Andrew said after a moment. Neil knew he meant the man at the club and waited for whatever Andrew intended to say next. Neil wasn’t that shocked by it but he hadn’t been in any sense of danger. If Neil had turned him down and the man persisted-

“He wasn’t-“ Neil began but his voice died in his throat. Neil was more curious as to why the anger had thrown Andrew to this place then he was of why Andrew was angry. Andrew pressed his lips together and traced his thumb over the inner bone of Neil’s ankle in tiny circles.

“I was safe,” Neil said eventually and Andrew finally looked at him.

“You weren’t,” Andrew said. “He wanted from you exactly what I want from you.” Neil’s chest stuttered at the intensity in Andrew’s expression. He wasn't empty, he was bottomless. “He wanted you to dance for him.” Andrew’s fingers began slow patterns and advancements up his calf. “He wanted you drunk and fucked out,” his hand slid up the inside of Neil’s thigh and Neil’s breath stopped entirely. Earlier in the night, Andrew had refused to touch him but now, his hand was getting higher and higher and Neil started to feel a little drunk again, head spinning. “He wanted to keep you for as long as you’d let him. He wanted to know you,” Andrew pinched the inside of his thigh and Neil whined. He leaned closer, wanting Andrew to kiss him until he disappeared. Andrew leaned in, his mouth so close to Neil's the stream of water connected them. He spoke so quiet Neil had to strain to hear him. “He wanted to love you," Andrew whispered, "so I wanted to kill him.” Andrew’s hand found its target when he said those words so the sudden stampede in Neil's chest slipped out of his mind.

Andrew kissed him and Neil forgot everything.

Unfortunately not for too long. Once Andrew’s breathing was even with sleep next to him, Neil stared at the ceiling, unmoving. ‘he wanted to love you,’ rang again and again while Neil spun until the sun rose outside their window.

 April 1st. Junior Year.

Private Message

Matt: I am so sorry dude.

Private Message

Allison: Neil.

Allison: Neil.

Allison: Neil.

Allison: Neil.

Allison: Neil.

Allison: Neil.

Allison: Neil.

Neil: What.

Allison: We’re outside, let us in.

Allison: Neil.

Allison: Neil.

Allison: Neil.

Allison: Neil.

Neil: Outside the stadium?

Allison: Yes. Let us in.

Neil did as he was told and soon the old foxes flooded the locker room and opened duffle bags. They began to pass around heavy bottles of alcohol that made Neil shiver. He was still haunted by Eden's. He almost didn't go to practice but Neil couldn't pass on it. They needed the practice. He had puked only once so far and wore sunglasses until they decided to practice in the night security lighting.

“What the fuck?” Neil got out after a moment.

“We’re in the middle of practice,” Kevin said and the Elderly looked up at them, mid ambush.

“Yeah duh, that’s why we’re here. We have children to whip into shape.” Dan said, holding a handle of vodka. “This is for after abusing children,” She held it out towards Kevin. “This one's yours Kevin-"

“You can’t just come into my practice-“ Neil began but Renee smiled at him and spoke quiet and clear.

“Andrew invited us,” She said with a smile. “Wanted it to be a little extra birthday surprise and we all don't leave town until tomorrow.” Neil fell quiet at that and Kevin closed the vodka into his locker.

“Who’s ready to throw down!” Allison grinned, clapping and jingling in her usual fashion.

"Can we please have a shot first?" Nicky whined, the only one who seemed as affected as Neil, wearing his own set of sunglasses.

"Nothing like hair of the dog," Matt said and Kevin shot Neil a look.

"You want to be drunk on our court?" Kevin asked and Dan snorted, pouring him a shot.

"Come on, Kevin." She said, "Just one shot,"

"You know you'll feel better," Allison added. Neil rolled his eyes, waving them off but then Kevin moved.

“Wh-“ Neil began, blinking at him but the Elderly and Kevin all favored to ignore him for their 'Go Foxes' shot. They didn't waste a second after to begin changing out.

Neil went back to court to find and chew out Andrew, who was sitting in front of goal and tightening his racket strings.

Their freshman goalkeeper, Alice, was sat across from him, chatting his ear off while she rocked back and forth and fixed her strings by copying his silent and quick movements with near perfection. Neil wasn’t sure how she had the ability to split her attention so well between so many things but she was succeeding so that wasn’t his problem. The rest of the team was. They’d barely made it to the championships. They'd only succeeded only by an injury on the other team during the final game and other equally as out of their control circumstances. Neil was at his wits end. Trying to control his court and his players felt like trying to catch butterflies with a tiny dollar tree plastic nets. Even now they were floating around the court aimlessly once their captain and Kevin stopped giving them direct commands.

Before Neil could yell at them to do something there was a loud banging from behind him, a racket hitting the glass. Neil flinched.

“Alright listen up,” Dan shouted through the court. “You have fifteen minutes to warm up and then we play. When we play, we play hard, we play fast, we play for real. There is no room for fucking around. Do you understand me?” Dan asked, voice projected through the court. Only some of the new people on the court knew Dan from their freshman year but everyone responded. They stood up and looked at Neil.

Neil blinked for a moment before he looked behind him at Dan, “You heard her. Fucking move,” he shouted at his court and they quickly did with the exception of Andrew and his goalie. She had made to stand up but Andrew spoke for the first time all practice.

“Sit and finish,” he said in German and she did, tightening her large racket with quick fingers. She went back to talking and Neil looked at Dan who was staring at the two of them on the floor in disbelief. Renee was smiling.

“Like your new goalie?” She asked and Andrew barely glanced her way. Renee smiled wider.

The scrimmage was as brutal as Dan had promised. Neil limped off the court very proud of his new children and how well they’d held their own. He'd only paused to throw up once. They’d lost, of course, against two professional players- Matt and Dan- and the rest of their former team, all still seemingly powerhouses- except for Nicky who had cried and said needed the entire coat of dog. Despite the fierce competition Neil's foxes pushed harder than they had since their first loss of the season. Losing had taken the wind right out of them but Neil felt it now against his face while he stood on the roof. They'd be fine. They could win again.

Andrew met him up there with one of the upper classmen’s bottles and they made comfortable in their usual spots and shared.

“They were good today,” Neil said, head resting against Andrew's chest and Andrew didn’t respond. “I know they can do it I just- I don’t know how to make them click, we clicked,” Neil frowned and Andrew sipped his drink.

“Did we?” Andrew said after a moment and Neil turned to look up at him. “Did we click or did you force the pieces together?” Andrew looked down at him and Neil’s face scrunched. Neil couldn't help but feel that Andrew seemed annoyed that Neil hadn’t connected the pieces Andrew had. Andrew pulled out a pack of cigarettes and shook two out. He lit one and passed it to Neil who took it.

“Do you know why the retired foxes keep coming back for your birthday?” Andrew said through smoke. Neil took a deep breath.

“Because they think giving me a hard time is funny,”

“Because they love you,” Andrew said, sounding stiff, almost uncomfortable. “Boring as it is, you love them too,” Andrew inhaled his cigarette. Something in Neil ached and he decided to lean into it.

“Is love boring to you?” Neil asked and Andrew glanced over at him, eyes and face closed off. Andrew was impenetrable. It was almost new. He hadn't been for so long.

“Unbelievably so,” Andrew said and Neil moved his hands so Andrew wouldn’t seem them shake. Neil couldn't understand why they were shaking, why his stomach bottomed out. “Love isn’t worth it. Its messy. It makes you stupid and emotional,” Andrew looked away now, finishing his first cigarette and lighting a second. “But you all love each other so-“

“Is that why you’ve hated me for years? Despite being my boyfriend.” Andrew had never asked Neil to be his boyfriend, they just fell into it very comfortably. “You think that saves you?”

Andrew glanced at Neil once before he moved out from under him, standing. He pulled as much as he could off the cigarette and then dropped it, grinding it below his converse.

“Andrew don’t go-“ Neil said, moving to stand after him. Andrew had already started to walk away. “You didn’t finish telling me about the Foxes, what do I do?”

Andrew stopped at the door before turning around. “Everyone who knows you, Abram, loves you.”  Andrew left Neil alone on the roof.

May- Junior Year

The Elderly Rivived

Neil: Hello

Matt: ?

Renee: Hello Neil

Nicky: is this a hallucination?

Dan: Neil, are you alright???

Neil: Fine.

Allison: That's never been comforting and you know that.

Neil: I want to plan a party for Andrew

The groupchat went silent for four minutes.

Neil: I know it's early in the year but I don't know how much notice you need.

Neil frowned at his empty phone before a call came in from Matt.

"Hey, Dans with me." Matt began, "we dialed in everyone else, you're on the line with the elderly," Matt said and then everyone began to talk at once.

"I think you have a death wish, I swear I don't get it I'd have died by week four if I acted like you-" Nicky rambled and Allison scoffed at him.

"You'd think after years you'd understand that you and Neil are not comparable in Andrew's life," Allison said.

"I'd like to say I would love to see the look on the monsters face when they realize it's a party for them." Matt sighed wistfully "as long as someone's taken Andrew's knives," Dan added over the line.

Neil waited for the only voice that really mattered in this discussion and everyone seemed to know, quieting until Renee spoke.

"Why?" She asked and Neil picked at his jeans, looking at the empty dorm.

"He does it for me, I think," Neil chewed on the inside cheek. "He's the one who makes you come back, isn't he?"

The Elderly all went quiet before Matt cleared his throat.

"We cannot confirm nor deny such claims,"

"Convincing," Allison said, sharp even through the tinny quality to the call. Renee's calm voice cut through again.

"Right, Neil, but why does that mean Andrew wants one?" She asked and Neil's eyebrows furrowed.

"I don't want one and he does it anyway!" Neil said, almost petulant. He knew the other Elderly were on the line but this was now him and Renee.

"Do you know that whenever the year anniversary of Baltimore comes around you dissapear, Neil?" Her voice was so simple and matter of fact Neil's breath disappeared, hollowing out his chest in a vacuum.

"Wh-" he began but Renee interrupted him.

"When we were still together, it was easy to distract you," Her voice had taken on a slightly metallic ringing through the line. "Once we left, that changed. You were harder to reach. He asked us to come back for your birthday. Of course we wanted to- don't doubt any of our intentions, Neil- but we were asked."

Neil felt the tips of his fingers go numb and his tongue laid stupid in his mouth. He tried thinking about the days that lead up to his birthday. He doesn't remember them being terrible but after a moment he realized he doesn't remember anything at all.

"Neil?" Dan said after a moment and Neil remembered he was on the line.

"Nevermind on the party for Andrew," Neil got out eventually. "I'll figure it out," Neil hung up the phone and put it next to him. He sat there for God knows how long before Kevin entered the dorm.

Kevin noticed the state Neil was in immediately judging by the way he stared but Kevin opted to say nothing, going to his dorm and shutting the door with a little too much force.

They'd be leaving for the summer in a couple days and Kevin wouldn't be returning. Neil wasn't sure what he'd done to Kevin but they felt like a string pulled so tight if anyone touched it, they'd bleed. Neil had been content waiting for Kevin to get over it but suddenly Neil wanted to prod.

He was in Kevin's dorm in an instant. Kevin looked up from where he was cleaning off his desk into his bag.

"Can I help you?" Kevin asked and Neil crossed his arms, gripping his biceps.

"Yeah, you can tell me what the fuck your problem is with me lately?" Neil said and Kevin blinked, almost bored.

"Not everything is about you, Josten." Kevin's voice was clipped and cold.

"Well then what is your problem?!" Neil took a step forward and Kevin straightened out, turning to him.

"I don't understand how it's any of your business," Kevin stared Neil down for a moment. "Trouble with Andrew? He's ignoring you too? Is that why you're pestering me?" Neil ignored the flaring rage in his chest. Andrew had been nonexistent for the past couple weeks. He showed up for practice. He left when it was over. He appeared in Neil's room at night. He left when it was over. Neil stared back at Kevin and shoved his Andrew shaped thoughts away.

"You're graduating," Neil said and he saw Kevin flinch, only slightly. "You're leaving this Friday and you're going pro and you think that-" Neil's voice caught in his chest. He cleared his throat, clenched his jaw. "Stop being a dick, Kevin."

Kevin didn't say anything. He glared at Neil and then began packing again. It was more aggressive than it had been before, bending up the corner of his notebooks and textbooks to shove them in faster. Neil took the hint and left.

Neil instead went on a run. He ran until his lungs burned and he tried again to think about the lead up to his birthday- to Baltimore.

He remembers practice, the echo of an exy ball and the smashing of his racket on the floor. He remembers the bone like crack echoing off the court, the way it splintered under his grip. He remembers the way he kept beating it. He remembers Andrew. He remembers his face, he remembers the movement of his mouth, the sound of his voice, low and steady as Neil knelt in front of Andrew on a dark empty court. He doesn't remember what was said as Andrew pulled splinters from his hands.

As his feet hit the pavement, more came back. There's mornings where Andrew had squished himself into Neil's dorm bed, falling back asleep in the twitches of daylight, ear to Neil's heart. He remembers more practice. He remembers Kevin, both of them fighting. He remembers Andrew again, pulling them apart with Aaron on the other side. Freshman and Sophmores surrounding them with shocked faces.

He remembers a hand over his chest. He remembers Andrew's voice again, this time in Russian, stern in his ear. "You're on the court."

He always remembers flashes of Andrew.

His memory seems to right when the Retired Foxes returned. Bright smiles and easy conversations. He remembers what he ate where he went, the conversations he had. He remembers Andrew winding him up and then letting him fall apart after hard practice days. He remembers soft kisses and the burning urge to ask Andrew for more. If only he could figure out what to ask for. He was sure if he just got the right request, Andrew would agree.

Months later and Neil still hadn't figured it out.

March 31st- Senior Year

There was a game on his birthday. A game they were expected to lose. Neil managed to get a great team every other game and this was their off round. It was his last season with any of the Foxes he'd begun with. The Elderly were already getting set up in the stands, Kevin had said he couldn't make it work with his pro schedule but he would see them if they reached the finals. Andrew would stand at goal and Aaron would stand in his position. The rest of the court was filled with faces that Neil had trained from the ground up.

Neil would be proud of them regardless but, fuck, he wanted to win. He wanted to win a Championship with Andrew in goal. He wanted to taste it. He wanted to grab Andrew and celebrate for dear life.

Neil had learned how to fantasize. Having a future to live for meant thinking about it. Neil thought about it so much it suffocated him. He would find himself on the floor of the bathroom, toothbrush still in mouth and a grip on the sink, unable to breath. He would listen for Andrew then. He would try and ignore the heartbeat in his ears and strain to hear Andrew mutter to himself as he did when it was just him and Neil. He'd listen to his socks on the carpet. The sound of the window opening to smoke.

Sometimes he'd tell Neil to hurry up. Sometimes Kevin or Aaron would come back and Neil would force himself to his feet. He'd finish brushing his teeth.

Kevin no longer lives in the dorm. Aaron doesn't come around. But he could still listen for Andrew.

Neil couldn't think about what the dorm would sound like next year or he'd end up exactly where he started, choking himself blue.

Andrew nudged Neil's shoulder on the bus and spoke in a low Russian.

"Are you thinking about the game?" Andrew asked and Neil took a deep breath. He hadn't realized he'd been holding it. He nodded. "Liar," Andrew said.

"It's nothing, I'm fine." Neil went to bite at the skin on his lip until Andrew clicked his tongue. Neil froze and his tongue darted out to taste blood.

"You've been chewing on yourself for the past fifteen minutes,"

"It's f-"

"Tell me it's fine again and I will break your racket, Neil,"

"I want to win," Neil croaked out and he looked at Andrew. "I want to win, with you. I don't want this to be the end. It can't be the end, Andrew." Neil stared at him, his chest rising and falling quicker than it should. Andrew put a hand over Neil's heart and pressed weight into him.

"Now is not the end, Neil." He said after a moment. Neil wasn't sure if Andrew meant the Foxes season or something else but Andrew played like he had meant their season.

Neil had never seen Andrew play like this in his life. He didn't know he was capable. Andrew at one point stepped out of goal and snapped so harsh at their backliners that Neil flushed from head to toe. His striker- a sophomore and the only person on the team that could keep his pace- snickered at him before she tripped over her own shoe and hit the ground. His striker was also a fucking idiot.

"Get up, Jordie," Neil sighed and Jordie scrambled to her feet.

"Sorry, Captain," she said, jogging to regain her position. She set her face and the game resumed at the whistle.

At the final buzzer, Neil saw the screen 11-4. He took a deep breath and let the team swarm and shove him. They screamed and screamed and Neil celebrated with them.

"Happy birthday, Captain," Alice, the goalkeeper, smiled. She stood outside of the circle that engulfed him and swayed like seagrass. She was always very delicate. Andrew had let her play the last twenty minutes as it was impossible to mess up their win and she hadn't let a single ball through. She blocked each one and let out a loud laugh as if it had shocked her before chucking the ball down the court to Neil and Jordie. The rest of the team began to mimic the Happy Birthday and Neil broke off from them with an exhaustive amount of thank yous.

He found Andrew the second he stepped onto inner court, an unusual black box that hid the Foxes from everyone else. 

"You-" Neil said, breathless. "You were fucking amazing." Neil kissed him before there was a moment to realize what came out of his mouth.

Andrew didn't kiss back.

Neil pulled away and looked down at him. "What?" Neil asked and Andrew said nothing, his vision a thousand miles away. He grabbed Neil by the wrist and dragged him into the unfamiliar hallway. Neil protested.

"Wait, I have to go shake hands, good game good game- you know- Andrew what the hell are we-"

Andrew shoved him into a small janitors closet and closed the door after him.

Neil blinked in the dark and inhaled chemicals. Andrew pulled the light on and it buzzed overhead, flickering dim lights over them both.

"This is not going to end, Neil. It will not end."

"What?" Neil said, voice quiet. Andrew said nothing, he grabbed Neil's face and kissed him so hard Neil's lip split open again, blood pouring between them. Andrew let out a soft noise at the taste of it.

"I got us to the next game. You can win this." Andrew said.

"We can win this," Neil replied before he said, "Did you know the scores your birthday?" Andrew scrunched his eyebrows. "I noticed the four so I worked my ass off for those last two goals. It's why I didn't sub out,"

"You're sickeningly sentimental," Andrew said and Neil grinned, blood on his teeth.

"You love it,"

"I love you," Andrew said, all at once in Russian, as if the words were laid on top of each other. Neil's face fell flat, like he was rebooting.

"Wh-" Neil opened his mouth to speak again but Andrew turned to leave. Neil reached around him, slamming the door shut before Andrew could open it more than six inches. "You don't get to leave," Neil almost laughed, hysteria rising in his chest. He didnt realize he had actually laughed until Andrew bristled. He spun around and shoved Neil.

"Do you think this is funny?!" Andrew snapped and Neil gasped for breath as he stumbled and laughed. He reached for Andrew's wrist and his grin was so big his lip dripped blood.

"Yes it's funny. You tell me you love me in a closet and then try and run away." Neil said in Russian. Andrew's blinks turned rapid and he stalled. Neil took that opportunity to gain his footing. He stepped so close to Andrew their noses brushed. "I know. I love you too," Neil said and he watched as Andrew's body unwound. "I love you, Andrew"

Andrew kissed him again.

They left the closet with their pinkies locked together and Neil's hair ruined in every direction, his face red to match.

Wymack let out a sigh when he saw them and then grimaced. "You two disgust me, get on the fucking bus."

"Don't be homophobic." Neil said and Wymack shut his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath before he spoke again 

"We've been looking for you two for twenty minutes. They wanna hit the road. Remember my rule, drink as much as you can before you get on the bus. No open containers. You're out of time so step on it," Wymack turned on his heel and left them again.

Neither drank anything before they crawled on the bus.

"What do you wanna do for your birthday?" Neil asked in Russian on the bus ride home. Everyone had fallen asleep in their benches. the retired foxes curled up together and the baby foxes sleeping close to them. Wymack had offered to drive the Elderly home so they didn't die in a firey drunk wreck. They had made a Foxes drinking game and judging by their behavior before they passed out, they had been very successful, or maybe they'd lost. Neil was unclear on the rules. They were hammered.

"To see you, you in Boston or me on the Fox court," Andrew answered. Neil flushed, his heartbeat picking up. Neil cleared his throat, picking at a hangnail on his thumb.

"So we're thinking a par-"

"I will hurt you," Andrew said, face serious but Neil could hear the smile in the Russian accent. Neil watched him in the dim bus light, the faint glow of his hair, his eyelashes fanning his cheeks in a way that made Neil unable to help himself. He touched Andrew's face, under his eye, gentle and barely there. The nearly webbed shadow shifted over Neil's thumb as Andrew blinked. Neil removed his hand and put them both in his lap.

"I love you," Neil said again in Russian, as if the he was setting it into the world, the night air. He knew how I love you, sounded in Russian and German and English but only Russian had been spoken out loud. It was still just theirs. Andrew nodded once.

"I love you," he returned, staring at Neil. Neil with blown eyes from the game, quick breaths and a split lip. "Ninety percent of the time,"

"You're such a dick." Neil said in English.

In the back of the bus, Andrew grinned.