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Anthony had noticed something was wrong weeks ago.
At first, they were small details.
Asa began to close the laptop as he entered the room.
After that, he started going out alone some afternoons, making up vague excuses about "taking care of some things."
And then came the phone calls.
Phone calls that would end immediately when Anthony showed up.
Eight years of marriage.
Eight years sharing a house, a bed, and an entire life.
And then, suddenly, secrets.
Anthony stared at the cup of cold coffee in his hands as he watched Asa through the kitchen window.
His husband was in the garden.
Smiling at the cell phone.
Smiling.
Anthony felt his stomach sink.
"Okay," he murmured to himself. "That's it then."
Because what was the alternative?
Asa wasn't betraying him. Anthony knew that.
Asa was incapable of lying about something so big. His face would turn red when he hid cookies from the pantry.
But something was happening.
Something important.
Something Asa didn't want him to know.
And Anthony could only come to one conclusion.
Divorce.
Asa wanted to file for divorce.
He was probably looking for a gentle way to do it.
That was very typical of him.
Asa had always been kind.
Too kind.
The type of person who would feel guilty for breaking someone's heart even after deciding to leave.
Anthony closed his eyes.
Perhaps it was inevitable.
He was difficult to live with.
He left socks lying around the house.
He forgot dates.
He grumbled when woken up early.
He drank too much coffee.
There were numerous reasons why someone might get tired of him.
When he opened his eyes again, he saw Asa looking in his direction through the window.
And smiling.
That sweet, familiar smile.
The smile that had made Anthony fall in love with him every day for eight years.
His chest hurt.
Asa waved.
Anthony waved back.
And he thought, miserably:
"Ah, that's worse."
Because if Asa really wanted to leave...
He still loved him.
And that made everything much more difficult.
That night, Anthony found a folder hidden in the closet.
It wasn't locked.
Perhaps because Asa never imagined Anthony would find it.
Anthony stood there staring at his for almost a minute.
Then he opened it.
Inside there were papers.
Notes.
Lists.
Sketches.
And on top of everything, handwritten:
"For Anthony."
Anthony felt his heart stop.
That was it.
That was the conversation.
The speech.
The documents.
The plans.
The beginning of the end.
Hurried footsteps echoed down the hallway.
Anthony closed the folder so quickly that he almost dropped it.
Asa appeared at the door.
"Oh!" he said. "You're here."
"I am."
" Everything is fine?"
Anthony forced a smile.
"Sure."
Asa watched him for a moment.
Worried.
Almost guilty.
And that only confirmed Anthony's theory.
"Oh, God," he thought.
"He's going to leave me."
And on the other side of the conversation, Asa was thinking something completely different.
"Please don't find out about the surprise before the birthday."
Because, hidden in that folder, there were no divorce papers.
There were plans to renew their wedding vows.
And Asa was becoming increasingly desperate to keep the secret.
Anthony didn't sleep that night.
He lay down next to Asa, staring at the dark ceiling of the room.
The man beside him was breathing calmly, hugging the pillow.
How could someone sleep so soundly while plotting to destroy someone else's life?
Anthony immediately felt guilty for thinking that.
It wasn't fair.
If Asa really wanted to leave, he had that right.
People changed.
Feelings were changing.
The problem was that his hadn't changed one bit.
Eight years later, Anthony would still turn his head to look at Asa when he entered a room.
he could still memorize the subtle expressions on his face.
He still felt the urge to hold his hand for no reason at all.
He still loved him as naturally as breathing.
And apparently, that hadn't been enough.
Beside him, Asa stirred in his sleep.
Instinctively, he looked for Anthony.
His hand found the sleeve of his t-shirt.
Held on.
And he stayed there.
Anthony almost felt like laughing.
That was cruelty.
Even in his sleep, Asa searched for him.
The next morning, Anthony walked into the kitchen and found Asa smiling at a message on his cell phone.
Again.
The smile faded when he realized he was there.
" Good morning!"
"Good morning."
Asa put his cell phone in his pocket.
He kept it.
Quickly.
Like someone hiding something.
Anthony felt a sharp pain in his chest.
"Who was it?"
"Hm?"
"The message."
" Ah."
Asa seemed strangely nervous.
"Nobody important."
Anthony almost choked on his coffee.
"Nobody important."
Wonderful.
Perfect.
Exactly the kind of answer a person would give when they were hiding something.
Asa looked away.
Anthony dodged as well.
And the two spent the entire breakfast suffering for completely different reasons.
Three days later, Anthony found something even worse.
A jewelry store.
On the card statement.
A recent purchase.
Method.
Very expensive.
Anthony stared at his phone screen.
A jewelry store.
Good.
That could mean several things.
Perhaps it was a gift.
Perhaps.
Maybe not.
Perhaps it was a ring to return.
Or sell it.
Or...
Anthony had no idea how divorces worked.
But he was certain that jewelry stores were involved in some way.
On Friday, the situation worsened drastically.
Anthony returned home early.
He opened the door.
And he heard voices in the room.
Asa was talking to someone.
"Do you think he'll like it?" Asa asked.
"He will love it," replied an unfamiliar voice.
"I hope so."
"Are you nervous?"
" Very."
Anthony froze.
His heart sank.
Because it sounded exactly like a conversation about a separation.
He retreated silently before they realized he had arrived.
He spent ten minutes sitting inside the car.
Looking at the steering wheel.
Questioning all the decisions in his life.
When he finally entered the house, the visitor had already left.
Asa appeared immediately.
"Anthony! You're here!"
His smile was so bright it almost hurt to look at it.
" I arrived."
"How was the work?"
"Normal."
" Are you sure?"
Anthony observed his face.
Genuine concern.
Affection.
Tenderness.
All of that made it impossible to understand what was happening.
"Asa..."
"yes?"
Anthony almost asked.
Almost.
But fear won.
What if that was really the answer?
What if, by asking the question, he was merely accelerating the inevitable?
He swallowed it all.
"Nothing."
Asa seemed disappointed.
"Okay."
The silence between them was strange.
Heavy.
Uncomfortable.
Until Asa stepped forward.
And another.
And another.
Stopping very close.
"You've been distant lately."
Anthony almost laughed.
Far away?
He?
"I could say the same thing."
Asa blinked.
Confused.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Asa continued looking at him.
Then he extended his hand.
He held Anthony's.
Just like he had been doing for years.
As he did almost every day.
Anthony felt his chest tighten immediately.
"I love you, you know?" Asa whispered.
Anthony stood motionless.
Because it felt like a farewell.
It sounded exactly like the kind of thing someone would say before breaking someone else's heart.
And at that moment, he was absolutely certain that the divorce was imminent.
The problem was that Asa had said those words for a completely different reason.
Because their wedding anniversary was the following week.
Because the surprise was almost ready.
Because he was so happy and excited that he could hardly keep the secret.
And because, after eight years, he still looked at Anthony as if he were the best thing that had ever happened in his life.
But Anthony knew nothing of this.
And he was about to draw much, much worse conclusions.
Anthony began preparing for the divorce.
In secret.
That would be a very mature attitude if he had any concrete evidence that a divorce was actually taking place.
Unfortunately, he didn't have one.
But the anxiety was extremely convincing.
On Monday, he started looking for apartments.
On Tuesday, he researched moving prices.
On Wednesday, he sat in the car for twenty minutes staring at the facade of the house he shared with Asa.
Their house.
The garden that Asa tended.
The kitchen where they had coffee together every morning.
The room where they spent entire nights watching movies.
At some point, Anthony realized he was crying.
That was annoying.
Because he hadn't even been abandoned yet.
Meanwhile, Asa was having a wonderful week.
Terrifying.
Stressful.
But wonderful.
The renewal of vows was ready.
The invited friends.
The reserved space.
The new rings hidden.
The written speech.
And now he just needed to survive a few more days without saying anything.
Which was proving incredibly difficult.
Mainly because Anthony seemed sad.
Very sad.
Sadder every day.
And Asa had no idea why.
On Thursday, Anthony made a decision.
If Asa wanted to file for divorce...
He wasn't going to make it difficult.
He wasn't going to beg.
He wasn't going to make a scene.
He loved Asa too much for that.
So that night he packed a suitcase.
Small.
Some clothes.
Books.
Important objects.
The essentials.
The suitcase was hidden in the trunk of the car.
In case it became necessary to leave quickly.
If Asa said he needed space.
Case...
Anthony couldn't finish his thought.
The following morning, disaster struck.
Anthony was looking for a pen in the office when he found an envelope.
White.
Folded.
With your name written on the front.
For Anthony.
He stood motionless.
Because it was obviously a letter.
A letter.
A farewell letter.
His heart began to beat so fast that he could barely breathe.
Slowly, he opened the envelope.
Inside there was only one leaf.
Anthony read the first line.
And he felt the world stop.
"My dear Anthony."
Oh God.
That was definitely a divorce paper.
Who would start a letter with "my dear Anthony" if they weren't trying to soften terrible news?
He continued reading.
"You changed my life."
Anthony closed his eyes.
He finished.
"The last eight years have been the happiest I could have imagined."
It's really over.
Because it was clearly a sentimental farewell.
A retrospective.
A tribute before saying goodbye.
His hands began to tremble.
Footsteps echoed in the hallway.
Anthony pushed the letter back into the envelope seconds before Asa appeared.
"Ah! You're here!"
Anthony raised his head.
Trying to appear normal.
Failing miserably.
" I am."
Asa frowned.
"Are you crying?"
"No."
"Anthony".
" I'm not."
" Your eyes are red."
"Allergy."
"Inside the office?"
" A very specific allergy."
Asa continued looking at him.
Worried.
Confused.
I'm getting more and more worried.
" Love..."
Anthony nearly collapsed when he heard that.
Love.
He still called him love.
Even now.
Even though I was about to leave him.
That was cruel.
Absolutely cruel.
"Everything's fine," Anthony lied.
" It is not."
"Yes, it is."
" Anthony."
Asa's voice became soft.
Kind.
Careful.
Like someone talking to a frightened animal.
"Can you tell me what's going on?"
Anthony felt a huge lump in his throat.
Because I wanted to tell my story.
I wanted to ask.
I wanted to hear the truth.
But I was also afraid of his.
Then he simply nodded.
And he changed the subject.
That night, Asa cried in the bathroom.
Not out of sadness.
Out of frustration.
Because something was clearly wrong.
Anthony seemed distant.
Tense.
Unhappy.
And he refused to explain.
Asa sat on the toilet lid and rubbed his face.
"I can't keep this secret any longer...." he murmured.
Perhaps he should tell him.
Perhaps I should spoil the surprise.
Perhaps it would be worth it if it meant Anthony would smile again.
Outside the door, Anthony only heard part of the sentence.
"...can't keep this secret..."
His heart sank.
Because, for him, that could only mean one thing.
Asa couldn't pretend anymore.
I couldn't stand being in that marriage any longer.
And I was trying to find the courage to end it all.
Anthony returned to the room in silence.
He sat on the bed.
He looked at the ring on his finger.
And, for the first time in eight years, he asked himself how much longer he would have the right to use it.
Little did he know that, less than twenty-four hours later, Asa was planning to place a new ring on his finger and promise to love him for another lifetime.
Saturday arrived.
And with it, what Anthony was absolutely certain would be the end of his marriage.
Asa had been strangely cheerful ever since breakfast.
Nervous too.
I couldn't stay still.
He checked his cell phone every five minutes.
I was walking around the house.
Smiled to himself.
Then he looked like he was about to panic.
Then he would smile again.
Anthony watched all this with the resignation of a man voluntarily walking to his own execution.
"Are you ready?" Asa asked.
Anthony looked up from his coffee.
"Ready for what?"
" To leave."
Ah.
It was today.
Of course it was today.
The conversation.
The papers.
Divorce.
Finally.
Anthony nodded.
" Yes."
Asa smiled.
A smile so bright it almost made Anthony change his mind and run out the window.
The car ride was silent.
Asa seemed unable to contain his happiness.
Anthony seemed unable to contain his despair.
At one point, Asa extended his hand.
Anthony took it immediately.
As he always did.
As he perhaps couldn't do for much longer.
Asa's fingers tightened around his.
"I love you."
Anthony had to turn his face towards the window.
Because those words were starting to sound cruel.
"I love you too," he replied softly.
The voice cracked at the end.
Asa didn't notice.
Or perhaps he was too nervous to notice.
When they arrived, Anthony was confused.
It didn't look like an office.
Not even a notary's office.
Not even a lawyer's office.
It was a small, old building surrounded by trees.
Beautiful.
Cozy.
Decorated.
"Are we in the right place?" he asked.
" We are."
Asa seemed unable to stop smiling.
That was disturbing.
Anthony got out of the car.
Trying to understand.
Unsuccessfully.
Then Asa held his hand.
"Come with me."
They walked through a corridor.
They turned a corner.
And then...
Anthony stopped.
Completely.
Because there were people.
Many people.
Friends.
Colleagues.
Family members.
Everyone gathered together.
Everyone was looking at them.
Everyone is smiling.
For a second, Anthony thought he might be having a nervous breakdown.
Because that definitely didn't look like a meeting to discuss a divorce.
Then he saw the flowers.
The candles.
The decorations.
And a huge panel with photos of them from the last eight years.
Anthony's brain simply froze.
Beside his, Asa was watching his reaction.
Anxious.
Hopeful.
Nervous.
" Surprised...?" he asked.
Anthony opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.
" What?"
" Surprise."
" What?"
" Wedding anniversary surprise."
Anthony kept looking at him.
Without understanding.
It was as if I were listening to an unknown language.
" I..."
Asa began to laugh nervously.
"I organized a renewal of vows."
Silence.
"What?"
"Renewal of vows."
"Renewal."
"Yes."
"of vows."
" Yes."
" About the wedding."
" Yes."
Anthony continued staring at him.
For several seconds.
Long.
Endless.
Until something finally clicked.
The hidden folder.
The messages.
The jewelry store.
The mysterious exits.
On paper.
The phone calls.
All.
All.
All.
It wasn't a divorce.
It had never been that way.
Asa didn't want to leave him.
Asa was planning a celebration.
A party.
A surprise.
A promise to continue standing by your side.
E Anthony...
Anthony had spent entire weeks suffering for absolutely nothing.
The relief was so brutal it almost made his legs give way.
"Anthony?"
Asa's voice came out weak.
Concerned.
"Love?"
Anthony started laughing.
A strange laugh.
Trembling.
Almost hysterical.
Then his eyes filled with tears.
And before he could stop him, he began to cry.
In truth.
In front of everyone.
" Anthony?!"
Asa immediately panicked.
"Oh my God, you hated it?!"
"What? No!"
"Then why are you crying?!"
Anthony tried to answer.
It failed.
He tried again.
"I found..."
The voice broke.
Asa cupped his face in both hands.
Scared.
" What did you find?"
Anthony let out a laugh through his tears.
Which did nothing to help his ability to appear mentally stable.
"I thought you wanted to divorce me."
Silence.
Full.
Absolute.
Total.
Asa blinked.
Once.
Two.
Three.
" I... what?"
"I thought you wanted a divorce."
" Divorce?"
" Yes."
"From you?"
" Yes."
Asa kept staring at him.
Processing the information.
Slowly.
Very slowly.
Until understanding finally arrived.
And then he started laughing.
So strong that he had to bend over.
Anthony was immediately offended.
"Don't laugh!"
"Anthony!"
"Don't laugh at me!"
" Did you think I wanted a divorce?!"
"There was evidence!"
"What evidence?!"
"You were hiding things!"
"Because I was planning it!"
" You used to close your laptop when I arrived!"
"Because I had photos of the surprise!"
" You bought wedding rings!"
"Because we are renewing our vows!"
"You wrote a letter!"
"A love letter!"
Anthony remained silent.
Because, when put that way...
The situation seemed significantly more ridiculous.
Asa laughed again.
But this time I was crying too.
And before Anthony could complain again, he pulled him into a hug.
Strong.
Tight.
As if he never intended to let him go.
"You idiot," Asa muttered against his shoulder.
" You idiot."
"I spent months planning this."
"And I spent weeks suffering."
" Why?!"
Anthony buried his face in his neck.
"Because I love you."
The answer came out so simple.
So honest.
Asa stopped laughing immediately.
The arms around him tightened even more.
And for a moment, neither of them said anything.
Because some truths were that simple.
After eight years.
After all those misunderstandings.
After all that panic.
Anthony still loved him so much that the mere thought of losing him had broken his heart.
That's it...
Asa couldn't imagine a life in which he chose to leave.
The ceremony ended up being delayed by almost half an hour.
Not because of problems with the guests.
Not even with the decorations.
Not even with the rings.
But that's why Asa and Anthony ended up hiding in an empty room at the back of the building, trying to compose themselves.
Primarily Anthony.
He still seemed to alternate between relief, shame, and a desire to disappear from the face of the Earth.
"I'm really sorry," he murmured for the tenth time.
Asa was sitting next to him.
Silent.
Messing with their own alliance.
" I know."
Anthony frowned.
Because something was wrong.
The laughter had disappeared.
The nervous happiness from before is gone too.
Asa was looking at his own hands.
Too quiet.
" Asa?"
" Hm?"
"Are you angry?"
" No."
The answer came quickly.
Honest.
But it didn't seem complete.
Anthony recognized that tone.
I knew him very well.
That was the tone Asa used when something had hurt him, but he didn't want to admit it.
"You seem sad."
Asa remained silent.
And that was a sufficient answer.
Anthony felt his stomach sink.
" Oh."
Asa let out a small laugh.
No humor either.
"I think a little."
Anthony closed his eyes.
Shit.
"I didn't mean to—"
"I know I didn't mean to."
Asa's voice was gentle.
Always kind.
But now there was something painful behind it.
"I know you didn't do it on purpose."
Anthony observed his profile.
The way he avoided eye contact.
As he continued to twist the ring on his finger.
"So what happened?"
Asa took a few seconds to respond.
When he answered, his voice was low.
"You really believed that."
It wasn't a question.
It was a fact.
Anthony didn't know what to say.
"For weeks," Asa continued, "you really believed I wanted to leave."
Anthony swallowed hard.
" I...'
" And you never thought that maybe I was planning something good."
That hurt.
Because it was true.
" Asa..."
"You looked back at eight years of our lives and concluded that I was looking for a way to get rid of you."
"That's not how it was."
"It was exactly like that."
Anthony lowered his head.
Because, when heard out loud, it really did sound awful.
Asa finally looked at him.
His eyes were shining.
Not out of anger.
Sadness.
"Anthony... I love you."
Those words came out almost like a confession.
As if they needed to be said.
" I know."
"No. I don't think you know."
Anthony stood motionless.
Asa took a deep breath.
"Because if you had known... you wouldn't have believed it so easily."
Silence.
Heavy.
Painful.
"I never gave you any reason to think I would leave."
"It didn't."
"I never threatened to break up."
" No."
"I never said I was unhappy."
" No."
"I never made you doubt that I love you."
Anthony felt his chest tighten.
Why not.
Asa had never done any of those things before.
Not even once.
The problem was that the fear hadn't come from Asa.
It had come from him.
From his own insecurities.
From their own fears.
From the constant thought that, one day, Asa would realize he deserved someone better.
"I didn't find it because you gave me reasons."
Anthony's voice came out low.
Asa blinked.
"So why?"
Anthony stared at the ground.
For a few seconds.
Long seconds.
Until I finally found the courage.
"Because I couldn't understand why you would still choose me."
Asa froze.
Completely.
"What?"
Anthony gave a sad laugh.
"It sounds ridiculous when said out loud."
" Anthony..."
"You are you."
"That doesn't explain anything."
" Explain it in my head."
His eyes started to burn.
"You are kind. Intelligent. Patient. Everyone likes you."
Asa was looking at him as if he had just heard something terrible.
"And I just thought..."
The voice failed.
"I thought maybe you realized you could be happier with someone else."
The silence that followed was devastating.
Because Asa understood.
He finally understood.
It wasn't a lack of confidence in him.
It was a lack of self-confidence.
And that broke his heart.
"Anthony."
Asa approached immediately.
Holding his face between his hands.
"Look at me."
Anthony obeyed.
Reluctant.
His eyes were already red.
"Do you really believe that?"
Anthony did not respond.
That was a sufficient answer.
Asa closed his eyes for a second.
Like someone experiencing physical pain.
" My love..."
The voice came out broken.
So smooth it almost didn't seem real.
"Do you have any idea how many times I wake up and think I'm the luckiest person in the world because you're by my side?"
Anthony blinked.
Confused.
"What?"
"I'm serious."
Asa stroked his face.
"You think I'm too good for you."
"Because you are."
" No."
" Asa—"
"No."
For the first time in a long time, Asa interrupted.
Firm.
Decided.
"I choose you every day."
Anthony stood motionless.
" Every day."
Asa rested his forehead against his.
" And the idea of divorcing you never crossed my mind."
The voice cracked at the end.
"Not even once."
Anthony felt something break inside him.
Something small.
Old.
Something he had been carrying for years.
"Not even once?"
"Not even once."
Asa smiled sadly.
"Honestly, I'm a little offended."
This elicited a wet laugh from Anthony.
" Sorry."
"I spent months planning a second wedding ceremony."
" I know."
" And you thought I was planning a divorce."
"I know."
"That's almost an insult."
Anthony finally smiled.
In truth.
Small.
But it's true.
And Asa seemed to breathe easier when he saw him.
As if that smile were something precious.
Something he had been trying to recover for weeks.
Then he pulled Anthony into a hug.
Tight.
It took a long time.
And he stayed there.
Holding it.
As if he wanted to ensure that none of his insecurities could reach him at that moment.
"I'm not leaving," he murmured against his hair.
Anthony closed his eyes.
" I know."
"No matter how many years pass."
" I know."
"No matter what happens."
Anthony hugged him tighter.
And, for the first time in weeks, he truly believed.
"I know."