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There was a crack in the ceiling. The rain battered the deck of the Bounty, and the crack turned into a drip. The drip turned into a wet spot on Jay's pillow.
At least, that's what he told the others. Really, he'd woken up from another dream about pirates and wishes and destiny and it all made him sick. Fear has always made Jay nauseous, but this wasn't even something he was scared of. Part of him wanted it back. He missed the routine, he missed the sunshine. He missed the way his knees ached after scrubbing the ship for hours. He missed the lack of expectation- nobody needed him to be funny or stupid or whatever the situation called for. It made him sick enough to cry until he felt like he really was going to throw up.
Jay always liked being a ninja. It was fun, he was cool, he loved his team and they loved him right back. But ever since coming home from the Keep, he'd felt… off. Not bad, just off. A little different.
Maybe he was readjusting to the altitude. He wasn't sure. He was never sure about anything, these days.
One thing he did know, however, was that there had to be something deeply wrong with him. Zane must have missed something when he gave him that wellness check. There was something wrong with him. There had to be.
How else could he explain missing Nadakhan?
Jay hated thinking about it. He hated remembering the feeling of warm hands that never stopped touching him. It made him sick. Jay hated the way his low voice seemed to whisper in his ear at night. He'd wake up drenched in sweat, hearing Nadakhan telling him oh-so-sweetly that he could stay forever- just make the last wish and it would all go away.
… The worst part was that he wanted to. He wanted to make that stupid wish and stay with him forever. It was stupid. He was stupid for wanting. Why should Jay want to go back? He has his training, his friends, his family. He has Nya. He has Cole. He doesn't need Nadakhan. Right? Right.
…
So then why does he have this hole in his chest?
Not a real hole, he doesn't have any injuries from the ship. Sure, his left eye has trouble focusing sometimes, and his ankle is probably sprained, but he always healed quickly as a kid. He'd be fine.
The hole was just.. just this weird empty feeling inside. Like someone reached in and rearranged his lungs to make room for whatever this was. Maybe he was just broken. Maybe he needed different medication.
Who knows.
Regardless, he had to put something into that cavity. His sword might work.
No, no, no, that's not gonna fix anything. Jay's tried that. Okay, well, not quite like that, but he knows taking a blade to himself isn't going to help anything. People notice, and then they ask about it, plus it's too hot outside to wear long sleeves. Whatever. Who cares.
… God, he missed that stupid boat. It was easier there. All he had to do was what he was told. Swab the deck. Wash the clothes. Wait in the captain's quarters. Swab the deck again. Jay loves the ninja, he really, really does, but he just… didn't feel needed with them. He's just part of the set, and with Nya there's another blue ninja anyway. They don't need him the way the Keep did. Sure, they're nicer, but is that a good enough reason to want to stay?
Probably not. It should've been, but it wasn't. Nadakhan was nice to him, enough of the time. And when he *was* mean, it was usually because Jay had messed something up. Clancee was alright, and Dogshank was tolerable. Doubloon stayed away from him. Flintlocke was harsh, but he was fair. Wretch was annoying, but so was Jay, so he figured it was the universe giving him a taste of his own medicine.
Nadakhan was something else, though. He'd tell you anything you wanted to hear, and spin it against you in the long run. He was gentle and friendly when he wanted to be, but those hands hit hard. And he had four of them, so if he grabbed you, you wouldn't be going anywhere. If he wanted to hurt someone, he would.
Jay was sure he'd never forget their time together. No matter how hard he tried. He couldn't forget it. Even if it was only a few weeks, it was burned into his memory like the lightning scars that covered his body. Those weren't going away anytime soon either, even though they're supposed to fade eventually.
It sucked, but Nadakhan was probably gonna haunt him for the rest of his life- however long that was gonna be. It wasn't fair. Three weeks shouldn't define who Jay was. Why did something little like that have such an effect on him? He's supposed to be stronger than that.
Whatever.
He'll just go back to sleep.