Chapter Text
God, he hated this place. Not the circus as a whole, as that was all fake anyway, but this room; this awful, girly, childish room he was forced to have. There were pretty shooting stars adorning the walls, little vertical striped sections of wallpaper dotting them as well, and a nice, soft, pink rug taking up most of the area of the floor. What made him hate it so much was not necessarily that the room looked like that, but rather that he didn't mind it. That's the part that really got to him. He was a man. He shouldn't like this bright pink and purple shit, but he did, regardless. It was almost as if his subconscious had designed the room itself, without regard to what he thought about it.
It seemed his subconscious really enjoyed all of the childish elements to it, as well. There was a small table off to the side of the room with three chairs, perfect for a tea party. There also stood a pretty, pink chest against the far wall which was cartoonishly filled to bursting with stuffed animals and other nonsense. No way could Jax allow anyone into this place, and no one would enter it anyway, if they knew what was good for them. He thought he made himself scary enough to get the point across, anyway.
As Jax begrudgingly rose from his bed, he could feel it coming on. There was a buzzing in his head that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried to turn it off. That awful, horrible feeling would probably bother him all day, if he didn’t do anything about it. Not that he really could do anything about it, besides suppressing it for the time being, for he had better things to do.
~~~
“Hey, Pomni,” Jax had made his way into the common area, where he spotted Pomni and Ragatha, who seemed to be mid-conversation. When Jax approached them, he twirled a gold key around his finger, winking and trying to look sly.
His little show worked, as Ragatha, upon seeing him approach, immediately stiffened and grew wide-eyed. Pomni, in contrast, squinted and sagged her shoulders a bit when she saw the key. “Were you snooping in my room, Jax?” she asked, in accusation.
“What, a guy can’t play with his key? Come on, Pomni, I’m only having fun,” he replied, winking again and doing a little slight of hand trick to make the key “disappear” into his pocket. He hadn’t actually been snooping anywhere, but he wasn’t going to say that.
Pomni crossed her arms and turned her body away from him, “Whatever you’re trying to do, it’s not going to work,” she said. She turned back to Ragatha and resumed their conversation, something about the last adventure Caine conjured up.
“What’s the matter?” he asked as he approached the two, moving to sit on the couch next to Pomni, “Afraid I’ll see something scandalous?”
“Jax,” Ragatha piped up, “don’t tease Pomni, she’s still pretty new here—”
“No, I’m not afraid,” Pomni interrupted, turning sharply to glare at him.
Jax smiled wide. This was what he was looking for.
“So you don’t mind if I snoop around in there?” Jax asked, “I won’t see anything, right? No dirty little secrets you’re hiding?” He sounded so smug, but he just couldn’t help it.
“Do whatever you want,” she replied, shrugging him off.
Jax opened his mouth to tease her again, but was interrupted by Pomni taking Ragatha’s hand to stand up.
They left without saying anything, but Jax could still hear a faint whisper from Ragatha as they got farther away: “You shouldn’t indulge him like that, just ignore him—” he stopped listening.
He stayed seated on the couch, alone.
Why had he done that? Was it just to tease? Was it for fun? Was it for attention? He often found himself asking these same questions after every attempt to rile someone up. It’s not like he really wanted to push everyone away. In actuality, he craved human connection more and more with each passing day. Why, then, did he have to be like this?
It had always been the same. He’d always done this, ever since he arrived in the circus. He would try to be friendly with someone, but eventually became too scared of his own vulnerability that he would inevitably push them away. He’d done it with Ragatha, with Gangle, Kaufmo, and...her. Now, he was doing it with Pomni, too. Why did he always do this?
Luckily for him, he didn’t have to think about that right now. Zooble walked in with Gangle. He could tell they were trying to keep their distance from him, but unfortunately for them, he had a series of thoughts he had to escape from.
He pulled out the key again, twirling it on his finger just like before, “Where you going, Zooble? Gangle? Off to go make out where no one will see you?”
Zooble looked at Jax in anger for a second, but turned their head back to Gangle without saying anything. Gangle stood where she was, cheeks suddenly turning bright crimson, and looking down.
Jax squinted at the brush-off, but kept smiling his smug smile. He stood up to walk toward them, making note that Gangle stepped ever so slightly behind Zooble to hide.
He spun the key faster, “If you don’t want to talk, maybe I’ll just go explore your room, huh, Gangle? I’ll probably find all kinds of fun things in there.”
As Gangle’s eyes went wide and she opened her mouth to yell at Jax, Zooble placed a hand on her arm to silence her, all the while staring at Jax in anger and annoyance.
“Or maybe I should pay yours a visit, Zooble,” Jax focused his eyes on them with malice, “I bet there’s a treasure trove of goodies in there for prying eyes,” Jax was grasping at straws for any reaction whatsoever.
“Do whatever you want,” Zooble responded, annoyance laced in their every word.
A repeat of what Pomni said. Not what Jax was looking for at all.
He smiled wider, however, and asked, despite his better judgment, “Really? You want me to look at all your weird stuff?”
“I have nothing to hide. Do you?”
Do I? For just a second, Jax’s pupils retracted into tiny dots before blowing up wide as ever before. His smile took on a guise of real, raw anger as he retorted, “Of course not. I’m not a freak like you.” It wasn’t his best comeback by a wide margin, but it was all he had at the moment.
Zooble rolled their eyes, took Gangle’s arm again, and started to walk away from Jax. A quick, “Whatever,” and they were both gone.
Jax was alone again.
“I have nothing to hide. Do you?”
Well, of course he did. Didn’t everyone? The problem was, though, that Jax’s secret consumed him. He saw his childishness in everything. In every little move he made; every little thing he said, no matter how small or inconsequential, the thought loomed over him. They’re going to know you’re a liar. It’s so obvious you’re a weak child pretending to act tough. They all know you’re a little crybaby who can’t handle your emotions.
You’re pathetic.
That did it. The buzzing in his head multiplied by roughly one thousand. Clutching one hand to his head, his vision grew narrow as he walked toward his room.
His disgusting, stupid room was all that awaited him when he got to it. No one there. No one to see him.
Jax, with furious speed, picked a stuffed animal out of the toy box—his toy box, his brain felt the need to remind him—and collapsed onto his bed, clutching the poor toy with both hands. At least he could be alone for what would eventually come. He could already feel the pinpricks of tears welling up in his eyes. There was an empty feeling deep in his chest as he quietly laid down his head. Hugging the stuffed animal even closer to himself (he didn’t see which one he picked, perhaps a bear?), he wept as quietly as he could into its plush fabric.
God, this was embarrassing. For all his efforts putting up a masculine and tough persona, he really could cry his heart out. He cried over a great many things. He cried over his actions, his mistakes, his past, but perhaps most embarrassing of all, he cried over his own shortcomings.
Why couldn’t he be like everyone else? Everyone else in the whole world was able to overcome these obstacles easily, it seemed to Jax, but somehow he couldn’t. Instead, he had to cry into his little stuffed bear and pretend to be a child again to get his mind off of it. Why couldn’t he just be a fucking adult about it? Even Gangle was able to get through rough times better than he was. How pathetic.
Worst of all, he couldn’t talk about this with anyone. All of this pretending would be just fine, if not for his total loneliness.
His whole life, he wasn’t manly enough; he wasn’t strong enough; he wasn’t good enough. Because of this, he wasn’t deserving of anything. Not love, not friends, nothing. He kept to himself as much as possible, scared of what others would discover about him. If anyone got to know him beyond just his callous façade, they would know how weak and undeserving he was. It was like his whole personality was this huge secret that had to be kept from the world. It was exhausting, and exhausted people tend to take it out on others.
He’d certainly made mistakes letting people in, in that regard. People got too far, he’d let his guard down for them, and they wanted more. The last one...her, Ribbit—the name sent cold spikes through his chest, and caused more tears to drip down his face—knew about him. She knew everything. He’d told her because she’d asked, and he immediately regretted it. How dare she pretend to care about him after finding out how weak he was? She must’ve been so giddy finding out something she could blackmail him with. He was so stupid to fall for that.
And then she was gone, from his life, at least. He sure made a point out of ignoring her. He would choose Kaufmo for team adventures. He never willingly spoke to her again.
Then, she was really gone.
Good riddance, he tried to tell himself, but the tears kept coming. His younger mindset couldn’t stop thinking about how kind she had been to him, despite everything. She was the first person to really want to get to know him. She had been the very first person he could remember hugging; the first person to touch him so gently and casually; the first person he ever had remotely fond feelings for. She was the first person he was ever truly himself around, childish behaviors and all.
But she was gone forever, and he could never get her back.
His heart hurt. He sobbed, not even caring who heard. He didn’t care about anything right now. All he wanted was to forget.
He cried for what felt like hours before the creaking of his door sent a jolt up his spine.