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One gloomy spring day, after dragging Adam out of bed and all the way to school, Crowley treated himself to a coffee at Moondoes. He sat in a blue armchair by the window and watched the rain evolve from the light drizzle when he'd entered to an outright downpour.
"Hello there," someone said from behind him. Crowley turned to see Aziraphale, drenched from the rain but still unbelievably gorgeous. "Mind if I join you?"
"Of course, an-" Crowley said, stopping himself from adding angel at the last second. His feelings for his friend were something best kept inside him. "Aziraphale. Lovely day for a latte, isn't it?"
Aziraphale nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. "I'm meant to be running errands today, getting ready for the party, but this weather has me wanting to do anything but."
"What party? Am I not invited?"
"Oh, I don't think it's your sort of party."
"Any party you're at is a party I want to attend."
Aziraphale blushed adorably. "Well, if you're sure…" He reached into his satchel and pulled out a pamphlet. It was damp from the rain but Crowley knew the logo on it well, the intertwined H and B in a fancy font.
"Heavenly Beauty? You?" Of course Crowley was familiar with the "business." Anyone who'd spent more than five minutes in this town was. They sold a dream of financial freedom and a "tribe" of fellow "entrepreneurs," only to bleed the suckers dry. Luke had fallen into a similar trap with Fireproof Life and their shoddy insurance policies. It wasn't the sole cause of the dissolution of their mating bond, but it was the last straw that made Crowley finally leave. Aziraphale was so clever. How had he fallen for this scam?
"Listen," Crowley said carefully, "I know you're having fun right now, selling makeup and making friends and all that, but you really ought to track your expenses. Make sure you're getting more out of it than you're putting in." He knew from conversations with other omegas who had gotten sucked into this nonsense that directly attacking their "business" wouldn't deter them, but Eric had taken this advice and managed to get out relatively unscathed once they saw how much money they were losing. Hopefully Aziraphale would follow the same path.
"Are you, perhaps, suggesting this might not be the most lucrative business venture?"
"Er, maybe?" Did Aziraphale know he was in a pyramid scheme? If so, why was he in it?
"Yes, I have my doubts as well. I showed Gabriel the statistics online of how few people are successful at this. He says it's because omegas don't know how to run a business properly."
Crowley growled slightly. Oddly un-omega-like of him, but he'd never been a traditional omega. "So Gabriel's the one running this… business?" he said, resisting the urge to put air quotes around the word "business."
Aziraphale nodded. "And as his mate, I am obligated to assist in his efforts."
No you're not! Crowley wanted to say, but he knew that wouldn't change Aziraphale's mind. He'd confided in Crowley that his mating bond wasn't always happy, especially since they'd found out Aziraphale couldn't conceive children naturally, but Aziraphale hadn't taken any steps to leave. Crowley hoped he would someday, but that day wasn't today, and he was going to respect that.
"So… you're hosting a party with him? Are you going to give him a makeover with Heavenly Beauty's superb makeup products?" Crowley had seen Eric's stash, and it was far from superb.
Aziraphale shook his head. "I don't think that's the plan. Heavenly Beauty has recently expanded into other spheres, offering wellness products, protein shakes, and home decor. Gabriel wants to focus on that angle, especially the Heaven Scent battery-operated candles. He's ordered a couple boxes of them in preparation for Saturday."
"How… illuminating," Crowley said. "Well, it's not like I have anything better to do on Saturday nights. I'll get a sitter for Adam. Not that I intend on buying anything. But it sounds like you could use a friend."
Aziraphale nodded. "I've invited a few folks, but so far, only Gabriel's friends are confirmed attendees." He turned towards the window, where the rain had stopped and the sun was peeking through the clouds. "I suppose now the rain has stopped, I should get going."
"Of course. See you on Saturday."
Three days later, Crowley rang Aziraphale's doorbell, a bottle of wine in hand. Even if the purpose of the party was to fleece him of his hard-earned cash, showing up empty-handed still seemed rude.
"Thank you, dear," Aziraphale said, ushering him into the kitchen, a fetching blush forming on his cheeks. Crowley tried not to overthink the endearment, but utterly failed. Was he dear to Aziraphale? Was this something more than a hopelessly hopeless crush? The thought was interrupted by the doorbell, bringing in Gabriel's friends Michael and Uriel.
After a half hour of appetisers and chit-chat, Gabriel ushered them into the living room for the real party. He showed off several of Heavenly Beauty's newest products, making Crowley feel like he was at a live recording for an infomercial. Except, presumably, that would be better paid. But just as Crowley was polishing off his second wine glass, things got interesting.
"Now tell me, what do you do with candles? Name it, and I'll show you how these can do it just as well," Gabriel said.
"Scent my house," Michael said, leading to the passing around of candles with fragrance names like "Mystery Alpha," and "Summer Nights."
"Provide a softer ambiance than traditional lighting," Uriel said, making Gabriel dim the lights to show the gauzy illumination provided by the fake flickers.
"How about summoning demons?" Sandalphon asked after Gabriel turned the lights back on, his gold tooth glinting off the fake candles, giving him a menacing look.
"Excuse me?" Gabriel asked.
"Please, no," Aziraphale said at the same time, fear creeping into his voice. Crowley suppressed the urge to reach out to him, to squeeze his hand or even embrace him. That wasn't his place.
"I mean, it's the only use of candles that electric lighting can't replace," Sandalphon continued. "So if these artificial candles of yours could do it… that would be a very lucrative market."
Gabriel flipped through some marketing materials, as if his up-line had provided any instructions on demonic summoning. "You know, it's a bit outside the box, but we could give it a go and see."
Aziraphale shook his head. "I'd… really rather not."
"Oh, come on, sweetheart. Think of the untapped market potential!"
"I don't like the thought of messing with things we don't understand," Aziraphale said, stepping away from Gabriel and closer to Crowley, his scent souring.
"It'll be fine," Gabriel said, waving a hand dismissively. "Tell me, Sandy, how do we summon a demon?"
While Sandalphon was providing guidance on making the summoning circle, Aziraphale took Crowley's hand and led him away from the living room towards their kitchen pantry.
"Sorry to pull you away from the… fun. I just… I can't watch, and I didn't want to hide in here all alone." Aziraphale shut the door to the pantry and turned the light on.
"It's okay, angel," Crowley said softly. However curious he might be about the demon summoning in the living room, he wanted to ease Aziraphale's distress more.
"Angel?"
Fuck, he'd said that out loud, hadn't he? "Sorry. I just… started calling you that in my head, with your fluffy white…" he gestured at the blond curls atop Aziraphale's head, "…and your whole… everything."
Aziraphale smiled weakly. "You know, it's nice hearing a pet name that doesn't have any bitterness behind it. When Gabriel calls me 'sweetheart,' it… well it hasn't sounded sweet in a while."
"I'm sorry," Crowley said.
"I wish I could just leave. Be brave, like you."
"You could, angel. I'd help you however I can."
The chanting in the living room grew louder and the house began to shake. At the same time, Aziraphale fell into Crowley's arms. The next thing Crowley knew, Aziraphale's hands were in his hair and they were kissing.
Meanwhile, in the living room, Gabriel watched in shock as a swarm of black flies appeared in the circle. His jaw dropped. He'd been humouring Sandalphon. He hadn't expected this to actually work.
The mass of flies conglomerated into a human body, a petite one with dark hair. "Who hath disturbed my eternal torment!"
"Um, hello," Gabriel said. "I believe you are the demon Mammon, here to grant extraordinary wealth?"
"No, I'm Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies."
"Ah, I see. Well, any chance you can bless us with extraordinary wealth anyway?"
"What izzzz this summoning circle?" the demon shouted. "Thezzze aren't real candles!" It tried to break through the circle, but remarkably, the fake candles made a true barrier.
"No, they're better! They're Heavenly Beauty's new Heaven Scent line of flame-free candle products. Capable of everything real candles can do, without the mess and safety hazards. Including, apparently, summoning demons."
"Heavenly Beauty?" the demon said in disgust. "Those motherfuckerzzzz…"
"Oh, it's not related to angels," Gabriel explained. "Heavenly Beauty was founded right here on Earth in 1979 by Dr. Harmony and Mr. Glozier—"
"I know that, idiot!" the demon snapped, getting uncomfortably close to Gabriel's face. Gabriel backed away. "Hell hasn't been the same since Harmony's wife Greta died. Can't even torture a soul in peace without an 'amazing business opportunity' being pushed on you."
"You're not saying she ended up…Downstairs…?" Gabriel asked. He didn't know Harmony and Glozier personally, but they were good people, donating their millions to all sorts of public works now adorned with their names. Soon, he'd be able to do the same, thanks to them.
"Where else would she be? A life spent stealing money from gullible idiots, preying upon desires for wealth and happiness and human connection for her own enrichment and leaving millions of miserable souls in her wake… frankly, she's brought more souls our way than most actual Hellish plots."
"So you're telling me that she went to Hell for bringing the world Heavenly Beauty? Kind of ironic, don't you think?" Gabriel said.
"Calling overpriced bullshit Heavenly doesn't actually make it Heavenly in origin," the demon countered.
"I suppose not," Gabriel said, looking thoughtful. "Wait a minute. I'm not a gullible idiot! I'm a business owner!"
"Keep telling yourself that, pretty boy," Beelzebub said, chuckling. "Seriously, though, if you really want extraordinary wealth… do literally anything else. Even working fast food and investing the pennies you make would be better for your net worth than this bullshit."
Gabriel snorted. "Thanks for the advice, demon, but… with the new niche clientele this opens up, business will soon be booming!" Gabriel took some pictures of the demon with his phone. He would only discover later that the photos would miraculously forget what the demon actually looked like, leaving only a few flies in the frame. "Now, I've had enough of this. Begone, foul demon!"
"Don't say I didn't warn you," Beelzebub said as they disappeared.