Chapter Text
He always thought it was supposed to be quiet. After abstraction, death, whatever you want to call it. He assumed the part of you that is “you” just floated away, into sound and colour and noise, becoming numb, becoming nothing. And the abstractions that remained, well, they were just some sort of buggy code, filling the space where you used to be, hungry and violent.
He wished he was right, that he could have just died in peace and quiet. Instead, it was so, so loud.
It wasn't like your self disappeared, it was that you were torn apart into a thousand different pieces, each one trying to grasp who you are, where you are, what is happening, but working without cohesion, without that central feeling of “you” to bring it all together and focus. And god, it hurt, each part stretched and meshed and clashed with each other trying to form your “self” again. Desperately trying to form a blueprint that no longer existed. Every part of him flared with pain, every broken piece made of lines of code that ran error after error after error endlessly trying to fulfil a task that was impossible. Touching the abstracted hurt bad enough; it was like your body was infected with that rot, a painful glitching throb. Being the source of that, it permeated every part of his existence. Caine could make the infection go away, but he couldn't save the abstraction. He had brought the idea up to Caine once, after Ribbit-
His eyes squeezed shut as another round of agonizing glitching pulse shot through his entire being.
After a moment, it calmed back into the dull ache of wrongness. And he opened his eyes.
He still had eyes, he could still see, he could see too much, eyes darting in every direction, voices and images and colours and lights. Trying to process that information when your brain is split into a million different pieces, it just wasn't worth it. So he tried his best to keep his eyes closed.
It was too dangerous to try and get his bearings, because when he saw something he recognized, something that almost made him remember too much, or heard one of the voices of the people he had hurt so much, it made him realize he wasn't dead, that he had to live with his mistakes, without control of his body, without even a real grip on who “he” was anymore.
He receded into himself, into whatever he was now. It was better than trying to face reality, it was easier to just pretend he had died, that there was only a monster here now. That was the better option here, that was what was supposed to happen.
He had fucked it up, like he always fucked everything up.
He knew at some point he had been moved, after Pomni had visited. She was an idiot, a fucking idiot that didn’t realize he wasnt worth her time, her care, her love. He really hoped that last one was purely platonic, not that he knew how she could even waste her time with someone like him, especially now that- now that she knew, things, about him.
At least with Ribbit he could play it off like some joke, he could always play things off like a joke.
Not when Pomni fucking, threw herself into whatever he was now, the broken mess of emotions and eyes and split body parts and hurt. She had seen a part of him that he would rather die with. Of course the nosey little clown had to go graverobbing for dirt.
It must have hurt Pomni to reach him like that. He thought about doing the same for Ribbit, when she abstracted, but the touch of his hand on her form… It made him panic. It made him run.
Pomni was something else, maybe that “something” was just being an idiot.
Anyway, she had thrown him into some makeshift tent filled with pillows and glow-in-the-dark stars and a darkness that, honestly, was pretty nice.
In the light, with everything overwhelming you at once, hurting what was once your eyes and ears and mind. It was so easy to run from the source of pain, or attack just get it out out out before it can hurt you more.
He didn't know who he was attacking, he didn't care because anything was better than the feeling of being torn from a million different directions.
He would regret it if he was that kind of person. But they made their own mistakes; keeping him around was one of them.
They came to visit occasionally, time was weird and inconsistent, he didn’t know how long it had been since he abstracted, maybe they were visiting too much or not enough, for a dear old friend like him. But either way, as much as he hated to admit it, he enjoyed the company.
Pomni was here today. She sat on one of the various pillows, twiddling her thumbs, talking to him without hearing much back.
“We haven't been on a lot of adventures recently. Honestly, everyone has just kinda been enjoying the quiet.”
If he could, he would snort in response. Instead, its spasming head shook involuntarily.
“Oh, does that make you sad? You did, uh, always like to make a bit of trouble.”
That pissed him off, she shouldn't be reading into his random movements like they meant something. If he could control himself, he would bite her fucking head off for assuming.
He slammed himself towards her, crashing his head onto the floor just below her feet. His eyes were pointed and angry.
“W- Woah!”
Pomni shot up, pacing backwards towards the entrance of the tent.
Good, maybe if he scared them enough they would find some way to kill him.
Pomni looked at him quizzically.
“Did you … not like that?”
He tried to laugh, a whirring grating noise escaped from his form instead.
Pomni stayed quiet for a moment, just staring at him.
Until eventually, a twinkle came to her eye.
“I’ll see you tomorrow!”
And she ran off.
The thing that used to be Jax was alone again, for how long, he didn't know.
A part of him wished it was forever, a part of him already missed the company, for someone to look at him like he was real.
The next day, Pomni arrived again. This time, she had a smile on her face.
“Jax! I have a gift for you!”
She held something in her hands, a cardboard box.
He tried to bring himself closer, but his body wouldn't respond. Thankfully, there was always an eye looking at something; he tried his best to focus on it. What was Pomni pulling? What could possibly be appropriate as a gift right now? He was fucking dead, she was just placing flowers at his headstone.
Pomni placed the box on the floor, and opened it.
“I had Caine create this for you, we think it might be good company!”
Out of the box hopped a bright green frog wearing a small, pink bowtie around its neck.
It wasnt her, it was an actual fucking frog, a stupid 3D-modeled frog that looked like it was out of some retro video game. What kind of sick twisted joke was this?
The thing that used to be Jax looked at Pomni. She was still smiling wildly, but her eyebrow twinged with a hidden anxiety.
“We thought you could use the company! Go on, her name’s Ribbit!”
The thing that used to be Jax was pissed, he wanted to jump at Pomni and actually fucking kill her, rip her to shreds and make her suffer in ways that even Caine couldnt imagine. He was going to lunge at her, make her regret her sick joke when -
The frog jumped towards him.
And the thing that used to be Jax jumped back.
It leapt towards him again.
And again the thing that used to be Jax stumbled backwards.
Pomni stepped out of the circus tent, into the light where she could still look inwards. Her smile had fallen now, straightening into a thin line as she watched the scene closely.
The frog jumped towards the thing that used to be Jax again.
And he was pushed towards the wall.
He was running out of options, he saw that the frog was getting ready to jump at him again, he only had one choice left.
He dashed towards the exit, almost passing the threshold into the rest of the circus.
His body was stopped by the blinding light of the outside, it hurt every inch of him in a way that was too intense to process. He was forced back into the darkness, where he turned back towards the frog, still hopping closer. The thing that used to be Jax curled in on itself, a high pitched noise almost like a weeping sob echoed from within.
Pomni ran inside, grabbing the frog and putting it back in its box. She sealed the container tightly before running to the thing that used to be Jax’s side.
“Wait, wait I'm sorry, I didn't- I'm sorry, I just wanted to make you mad I didn't mean to hurt you!”
The thing that used to be Jax didn't want to hear it. What the fuck was she thinking, he knew he deserved pain, he knew that he was “lucky” that people were trying to care for him at all but he just, he didnt think it would be Pomni to be the one who hurt him, he didnt think she carried that hatred towards him, like she was supposed to.
The thing that used to be Jax felt so small now; the abstractions are massive hulking creates but now, he felt no bigger than he was when he was still a stupid fucking rabbit. He brushed a tear out of his face with his arm.
His … arm?
He looked again, he had an arm, purple with a yellow glove, just one, reaching out from the mass of glitching eyes and darkness. The fractal infection still cut through the arm, leaving dark scars and causing it to occasionally lose form, glitch in and out of reality, position and occupancy, but it was there. He looked to Pomni with an eye, an eye he could control.
Pomni saw the metamorphosis take place, as Jax sobbed, his body shrank in size, the arm breaking into existence like it had a will of its own, and the eye escaping from the darkness, floating to the surface of the void-like pool that was the rest of his body. It was yellow, with a dark black pupil. And, eyeliner?? Eyelashes??????
The hand moved to Pomni, touching her shoulder without pain, and then moved to her throat, where the thing that used to be Jax clasped around it tightly.