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Clink, clink, clink, goes a tiny hammer on a piece of orange rock. Dust rises from the earth in miniature mushroom clouds as a man adjusts his footing, and dust sweeps down micro slopes when he blows it away from his work.
"Ha! Hurry up, dude. I wanna see a dinosaur!"
Nearby, on the edge of the excavation site, a fat child picks his nose and watches as an archeologicist painstakingly uncovers an ancient, petrified bone belonging to an ancient, petrified beast.
The archeologist in question, pauses, stiffens, freezes, only his tail continuing to move, twitching like a cat's when it spots a plump pigeon. An instant later that tail, pointed and obsidian sharp, digs into the child's bulging belly.
"If you'd like, little boy, I can show you what the dinosaurs were like right this second. No stone bones needed..." Azazel hisses under his breath, his eyes blazing yellow.
The child begins relieving himself into his shorts, but before the tetchy mutant can kill him for being disgusting and annoying, a helicopter thwup thwup thwups into range, sand changing to dust as it's lifted by the turbulence of its blades to go swirling around in circles while it comes in to land.
A woman steps out of a nearby caravan at its appearance, her hair bushy and her eyes keen. "Oh thank God you're here, Magneto. That would have been the fifth child this week." says Hermione to the man the helicopter was carrying once he ceases doing some spastic little dance on the non-existent landing pad.
Magneto, otherwise known as Easy Erik, lowers his sunglasses, and grins. "Just what I wanna hear."
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It doesn't take much to convince Azazel and Hermione to accompany Erik over to some godforsaken Island full of lizards. Hermione wishes to see real life dinosaurs, and Azazel greatly desires to get away from the children who never cease persecuting him for his sins. The pair sit opposite Erik, Azazel's arm laying across his young wife's shoulders, seat belts be damned. They look very cool slash nerdy. Opposite them sits a lawyer called Tom Riddle, an old man archaeologist called Albus Dumbledore, and a couple children, who Azazel eyes with enormous trepidation, especially as the girl of the pair is crawling with insects. It's not that he enjoys killing, or killing children in particular, but people force his hand. Even his own children. The world clearly has it out for him.
"I can't wait to show you what we're building." says Erik, his hands crossed on the head of the massive diamond topping his pimp cane. His grin is creepy under his sunglasses, but that's nothing compared to those of his associates.
"Okay, Cecil John Rhodes." Azazel's tail lashes.
"I am going to make so much money." giggles Tom Riddle, rubbing his hands.
"Okay, Cecil John Rhodes Part Two."
"Hello, fellow kids." simpers Dumbledore, to the children.
"What are we doing here, man." asks the boy, who features a lightning scar zigzagging down his forehead.
"I call myself a chaos theorist. Although my chaos is all practical, baby." replies Azazel.
Epic music plays from the pilot's mobile phones and everyone looks out the windows at the glittering blue sea and lush green island rapidly rushing at them.
Hermione sighs and rubs her man's chest over his black shirt. "I can't wait to learn all the things."
At least Isla Nublar is a great holiday location. The group pile into a couple glossily branded open topped jeeps, and tootle off to admire Erik's personal play park, passing through a nicely branded gate bearing the legend 'Jurrasic Park'.
"I didn't know you liked dinosaurs, Erik." Hermione asks the magnetic man who hasn't ceased grinning since he arrived at the dig site. Behind them, in the other car, they can hear Dumbledore giggling and the lawyer talking to himself.
"How? Didn't you notice all my toys?"
"I thought they were your children's."
"Oh."
The cars take them past an obnoxiously square lake surrounded by a herd of giant honking lizards. Azazel and Hermione look on silently, everyone does, expect the lawyer.
"I am going to make so much money."
If that wasn't cool enough, an even larger lizard goes stomping past, a lizard as tall as a skyscraper with a neck as long as several trains. It stomps right over the cars, before standing on its hind legs to reach the top of a redwood tree. When it comes crashing down, it shakes the earth. People look on silently.
"I am going to make so much money."
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The tour continues at a central exhibition centre slash museum, which Erik takes his visitors around, excited as young boy. Everything is top of the notch and cutting edge, with a film show, touch screens, and irritating mascot characters.
"What am I doing here? What do I offer besides chaos theories?" Azazel asks Hermione, his personal assistant and portable encyclopedia as well as his spouse. Their hot age gap relationship began when he realised he was beginning to look like a nerd at parties with all his esoteric and obscure world lore, and needed someone to take the heat off him so he could return to being seen as a mysterious badass and not The Smart Guy.
"Aaaaah…you're a fellow dinosaur lover, and the only other vaguely intelligent member of the Hellfire Club slash Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and Erik wants to talk saurids at you." His wife replies, sucking her words out of her thumb. Truly, she doesn't know why he and therefore she, are there. To distract him, she points at a model of a dinosaur egg sitting behind a glass window. Except it's not a model, and explodes.
"I am going to make so much money." smirks Tom Riddle, who is still wearing his douchebag sunglasses. Inside.
Erik sidles up to the couple, his pimp can tapping the ground as he walks. "Indeed, I would've invited Riptide too, but when I asked him if he liked dinosaurs, he didn't answer."
"That doesn't mean he doesn't like dinosaurs though. I'm pretty sure he does."
"Well, Az, you're welcome to pop off and fetch him, if you like. I know you two get on."
The Red Lord lifts his left arm to display a gaudy friendship bracelet made out of every colour visible and invisible to Mankind. "He's my best friend."
"Hey! I thought I was your best friend?" Hermione gets ready to curse her own husband.
"You're my best female friend. Jan is my best male friend." Azazel lifts his right arm to display his other friendship bracelet.
"…Oh. Okay." The witch puts her wand away.
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After mansplaining for a considerable period, Erik packs his guests back into vehicles, this time cool green cars on rails. Azazel and Hermione and Tom climb into the second car, leaving Dumbledore to giggle into the first with the children.
"I'm so happy I don't have to deal with them." Azazel sighs, looking out the window at a beautiful view of electric fences.
Hermione pets his tail like its an adorable kitten. "I think they're Erik's grandchildren."
"Well he's doing a piss poor job of looking after them then."
"That's just how he is."
"I'm going to make so much money."
The cars move off.
Sometime later, as the cars are trundling very slowly down a track lined on both sides with electric fences and nothing else, Azazel has a brainwave, mindreading at a distance. "Erik put us in these toys to get rid of us for several hours so he can pursue a very long nap. I think this track travels all the way around the island. It will probably be dark when we get back."
But Hermione doesn't answer because she's sleeping, her head resting on his warm and luxurious shoulder.
So the chaos theorist slash bone forger has to suffer the company of the pretty boy lawyer for a couple hours until a surge in the electrical grid causes their car to come to a stop beside a giant turd, which sits on the side of the road where there is for some reason no electrified fence.
"…I hate my life sometimes." Azazel makes like the lawyer and slaps sunglasses on, leaning back and attempting to fall asleep. Whether he does or doesn't manage to nap is immaterial, as a storm arises off the ocean, swooping in at full speed like it has a vendetta against the island, Erik, and the red mutant in particular. Perhaps it does, who knows. Azazel has pissed off a ludicrous number of people, objects, and things over the millennia. It begins to thunder, lightning, snow and hail all at once, and soon the car is being pelted with a showers of dinosaur poo.
Once the temperature drops, Hermione wakes up, recalls that she can do magic, but chooses a different path. "Az, I'm cold."
"So huddle with me, sweetheart. I'm hot."
"I'm going to make-"
"No! Not you!"
A scuffle breaks out in the car, which rocks the vehicle from side to side.
Eventually the electrical fault gets sorted out, and the group gets to move on, the archaeologist couple still huddling for warmth because it's fun and comfy. It turns out that the other car has stalled further down the line, beside the T-Rex enclosure, and here Azazel and Hermione's car breaks down again. Night falls. Dumbledore giggles.
"This is the worst holiday I've ever taken."
"It's not a holiday, Az. It's a business trip."
"This is the best business trip I've ever endured."
That business trip is about to become even better when the lawyer goes to the little boy's room and then a T-Rex breaks down the electric fence and unceremoniously eats him. It then attacks the children's car. Hermione and Azazel continue to huddle, although the storm has long since past. Eventually the scaly tyrant (as opposed to the red one) knocks the other car of a cliff that appeared from nowhere, before disappearing.
"We should probably head back to the museum. I'm hungry." drawls Azazel, moments before teleporting back with his wife.
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Back at the museum it's all hands on deck (aside from Erik's) as there's some sort of drama with the electricity and the maximum security prisoners are escaping.
Azazel has a chat with Erik while piling up his and Hermione's plates with goodies from the buffet, as well as swiping several bottles of premium bubbly with his tail. "Yeah, we saw a T-Rex on the way over here."
"Yes, some sort of disaster has occurred, but look what I can do." Erik spins his pimp cane.
Anyway, while his wife continues to load up on knowledge with a nice after-dinner book by lumos light, Azazel pulls out his own entertainment device - a Tiger Electronics handheld LCD game console. Shit is about to get real…
Really damn real when he closes his eyes and opens them to find himself transformed into a little girl. A little girl covered in bugs. He's high up in a tree with his shitty little brother, and watching gigantic snake heads rise out of forest canopy beyond his tree. Hell on earth, he attempts to teleport into actual hell, but can't. Oh no. Help.
"Huh? Why are you screaming, 'Fes?" Harry, his shitty little brother, asks dimly. Yeah, dim is right. Azazel does what the lawyer and Dumbledore could not, and pushes the Chosen One out the tree and then returns to pursuing sleep, hoping this will all just be a dream, like some sort of hack writer made it up.
Sadly, no hack has been at it again, and Azazel wakes up with the sun, still in the body of a little girl with an infestation problem. Climbing down to the ground, he wanders past a couple of oddly shaped lumps and goes off in search of food and water. It should be simple, considering the rain of the night before.
Spoilers: it's not simple. A series of dinosaurs begin chasing him.
"Ah!" shrieks a little girl when a triceratops swings its horned head her way nought point two seconds after she steps past the borders of the forest into a beautiful expanse of grassland. Luckily this little girl is special, and at the last moment Azazel discovers how to shoot flies at the gigantic lizard, forcing it to change direction and charge into a tree, which showers shitty little lizards to the ground. The mutant packs out running, quickly having his bold move copied by a herd of ostrich looking dinos, who attempt to trample him to death. Leaping behind a fallen tree trunk and hiding there, he thinks he's got it made, only for the T-Rex to burst through a random stand of trees right in front of him, where it brutally kills and consumes one of the ostrich dinos. It looks up at him, it's beady yellow eyes fixing on his beady yellow eyes-
Back in the waking world, the demon snorts himself awake, looks around the dark room, spies Hermione still reading, then switches game consoles and games and falls asleep again.
Better, this time he wakes up as a velociraptor. Now he's going to have some FUN!
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Elsewhere, park employees are having a really bad time as a velociraptor stages a break out and goes rampaging around the compound, slaughtering everything it can in the most dramatic and cool way possible. Once the sun rises, the world's best big game hunter, one Severus T. Snape, vows to bring it down.
"No animal has ever bested me." he says, rolling up the heavy black sleeves of the wizard robes he likes to wear just to be quirky.
So off he goes, out into the forest with a twig for a weapon. He and his team.
Two minutes later his entire team is lying in pieces here, there and everywhere, and only he is left. Still, his confidence remains undimmed as he creeps through the massive fronds of tropical plant life.
"Here kitty kitty kitty. Ksk, ksk, ksk!" he calls, his wand at the ready. Shoot the bitch in the eye, that's what he's gonna do.
A long reptilian head pokes out of the shrubbery to his right, it's scales scarlet red, it's smirk charming, it's eyes yellow.
Severus stares at it for a beat, then formulates an epic one liner. "Clever girl."
Screams and violent rustling fills the undergrowth.
Azazel himself wakes up with a scream, and not only has the sun risen and there are no children about, but his dear little wife has fallen asleep over her book. How adorable. In attempting to place his jacket over her shoulders, she wakes up.
"Huh? Az? You okay?"
"Yeah, course I am, 'Mione. You?"
"Wonderful. I'm almost done with this book."
"Awesome. We'll have to get you some more, my dear."
Once they've had breakfast, and finished last night's champagne, the couple stroll hand in hand through the place, stepping over corpses and pieces of corpse as they go. Eventually they locate Erik in his office, where he's sleeping on his sofa.
"Napping again, Erik? Listen, it's been fun, but we're going home. I have to finish faaake, uh, digging up those bones."
"Alright, see you around, Az. Thanks for hanging out." Magneto goes back to sleep, twitching his ratty blanket over his head.
Turning to each other, Azazel and Hermione kiss, and vanish into fire and smoke.