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“So, it would seem I’m not the only one that comes here often. When you said you were going out on patrol–”
“I wasn’t lying, old man. I was on patrol, and then decided to…stop by here. I guess you do the same thing, from the looks of it.”
Bruce didn’t answer. He didn’t need to. After all, what else could he say? The only question Jason had was how long. And how in the world had they not bumped into each other at least once?
Boots crunched on the dirt as the billionaire moved and stood next to him, not saying anything. Instead, he scooted a bit closer, shielding him from the rain. Not that he really needed it, given he was wearing his helmet. Bruce on the other hand, was dressed in a simple trench coat and turtleneck. His left arm was still in a sling after he took a particularly nasty hit for Duke while they were on patrol a few days ago.
So then, that begged the question…“Who drove the Bat Mobile?”
“Autopilot.”
“Ahh.”
He wanted to smack himself.
Jason found himself stepping forward, biting his lip as he rested his hand on the plaque, fingers grazing the words engraved into it. He was a little surprised it was still up, despite everything that had happened the past three years. But then again, everyone had been extremely busy, and with the Joker incident last year, the thought of visiting the site slipped his brain.
The site in question? A gravesite.
And the words?
In memory of Jason Todd
Robin
A Good Soldier
His gravesite. His now empty gravesite.
And today marked the third year of him returning to life after the Pit incident. The fifth year of his death anniversary after the Joker had brutally beaten him with a crowbar and set the building on fire, leaving him to–
“No,” Jason thought fervently, shaking his head. He would not let that fucker mess with his head again. He may not be fully over the incident (to put it extremely lightly), but he made a silent vow to himself he’d never think about the psychotic madman and let his lingering anger bubble out unnecessarily. That part of him would never leave, and quite frankly, he preferred it didn’t. His rage was something he heavily relied on, something everyone knew well. The difference though that differentiated his current self from his past one was how he was in control. Yes, sometimes his grip on that leash slippened, but regaining control was so much easier than when he had first awoken properly for the first time in the Pit.
The rain droplets bounced harshly against his helmet, and he was thanking himself he hadn’t removed it. He didn’t want Bruce to see him right now. Not like this. Not when they were at the spot Jason allowed himself to be vulnerable. Where he’d strip himself of all his emotions and lay his heart bare. Bruce already had a bajillion things to worry about–Wayne Enterprises, hunting down Freeze with Timmy, cleaning up the city, and worst of all?
Paperwork.
But since he was here, and since he had a bunch of burning questions he had been holding in for so long, he might as well shoot his shot while it was just the two of them. Even though he knew his voice would tremble quite a bit. And he was fairly certain Bruce had some questions in his mind too.
Great.
Today was going to be a very long day.
“So,” Jason coughed, doing his best to loosen the tension in his muscles and the atmosphere, “I thought you would’ve had this removed a long time ago since…well…the casket’s empty. Or maybe because you spent quite a fortune in getting this made.”
As soon as those words left his mouth, he winced so hard. Yeah, that last part wasn’t exactly necessary now, was it?
He heard Bruce inhale sharply and Jason spun around on his heel to look at him, fingers twitching by his sides as he did his damn best to squash the urge to toss his helmet aside. The man was silent, lips pressed together tightly. He saw his grip on the umbrella tighten.
The rain kept pouring on, bouncing against their clothes relentlessly. At one point it started to hurt, and he was wearing a leather jacket for crying out loud, but he knew Bruce–they both had to get stuff off their chest. And if it meant standing in a shower and risking getting a cold? So be it.
(He is totally gonna steal all of Tim’s energy drinks when he swings by his apartment later since it’s the closest and he knows that driving all the way back to his place wouldn’t end so well for him. And returning to the Manor now might not exactly be the best idea. Oh, and his stash of donuts. All the sugary stuff he had. Save the coffee, that abomination he always brewed had to be studied by scientists.)
The silence still stretched on for another few minutes, and after the three minute mark Bruce sighed. He shook his head and said, “Surprisingly, you’re wrong on both accounts.”
Jason raised a brow. “Surprisingly?” He huffed. “I think you’re well aware I’m not the best detective in the family. That title goes to Tim.”
“But that doesn’t mean you’re dumb Jason. You’ve solved plenty of mysteries before,” Bruce countered, a small smile on his face. “Or have you forgotten your time as Robin?”
Ah, how could he forget? The memory of Tim handing him that photo struck him hard. “I mean, I had pretty big shoes to fill at that time,” Jason said nonchalantly, raising his hands in mock surrender. “Dickie boy didn’t exactly give me any other choice ya know.”
“You do know he never really meant it, right? Honestly, the fact that he’d have a future successor–multiple successors was something that never crossed our minds. Plus, he would never want anyone to feel like they had to be equal or better than him.”
“That’s good ol’ Dickie brain for you.”
Both of them had a good laugh at that, and Jason thought perhaps he could remove his helmet for a bit. It was getting a bit suffocating anyways, and he could rush under the umbrella if needed.
Yep.
Timbo’s snack stash was now in critical danger.
And so he did just that. He tucked it under his hand and regarded Bruce with his usual smirk, to which the man responded with a slight roll of eyes. ‘Man child,’ Jason thought smugly. “So,” he said out loud, a bit surprised his voice didn’t tremble with all his emotions swirling in his chest like a mini tornado. “You still haven’t answered my question, old man. Or maybe, just maybe, you don’t know the answer to that question yourself!” He snapped his fingers, his shit-eating grin on full display. ‘That’s it, Todd. Just keep the act up and he won’t suspect a thing.’ “Well, I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s been a longgggg time since this was erected. And I must say, it’s a piece of art. And if I must add–”
“Actually,” Bruce interrupted, raising his hand and hesitating. “There is a reason, Jason. But…do you really want to know?”
Now that was a surprise. Jason’s mouth was left hanging as his brain processed his words.
“Do you really want to know?”
Why did those words hit harder than they should?
But, he did want to hear what Bruce had to say. Pfft, he wasn’t scared or anything like that! Whatever he was going to say, it wouldn’t be anything different from the answers he was expecting. Seriously, he was a man everyone feared once upon a time. Feeling nervous?
He wasn’t deflecting his feelings. He totally wasn’t at all. Which crazy person would ever think that!?
Him.
The answer was him.
Well, stalling was obviously not going to work. Jason set his helmet beside his feet on the ground, for fear that he might accidentally drop it because his palms were absolutely not sweaty! What moron would ever think that? He leaned against the marble, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Truthfully,” he said, painfully slow as he gathered his thoughts. “I’ve been wanting to know for a while. But, seeing as it’s still a touchy subject, I didn’t know how to approach you. Or what to say for that matter. Funny, both of us are bold with our words and emotions, yet at times like these–”
“We turn into a mess,” Bruce finished, and then chuckled dryly. “Guess communication doesn’t exactly run in the family, does it.”
“Really? You’re only realizing this now?” Jason asked, deadpanned. “Even Dick–who is the most chattery among us–hides a lot of shit. Mostly about Bludhaven, but eh, I’m not one to pry either. Some family we are, right?”
“We are,” he agreed, and almost instantaneously his face changed to one of sorrow. Bruce crossed the distance between them and stood next to Jason, covering him with the umbrella. “And as for your answer,” he said, his electric blue eyes–now dull to a muted cobalt blue–sweeping the gravestone, “there are two reasons. The first reason being the most obvious–removing it isn’t exactly a good thing, plus with the amount of marble used, it wouldn’t be an easy task.”
Jason snorted. “Aren’t you forgetting the fact that you’re friends with one Uncle Clark Kent? Who just so happened to be the Man of Steel who could move just about anything?”
Bruce rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Well, not exactly. And that, actually brings us to our next reason. I could’ve asked Clark or even Diana to help me remove it all and throw it into the ocean or somewhere far away where I couldn’t lay my eyes on it. But I didn’t.
“Because I came here everyday after your resurrection and looked at the grave as punishment.”
The world seemed to stop moving after that.
Jason’s breathing hitched, his heart pounding so loudly in his chest he was sure his dad could hear it. Out of all the reasons he had conjured up in his mind, this wasn’t what he was expecting at all. In fact, this was something he never even thought of.
“Because I came here everyday after your resurrection and looked at the grave as punishment.” Did Bruce really…?
He didn’t say anything and let the man continue, and continue he did. “Ever since the accident, I have blamed myself everyday for your death. That I wasn’t fast enough to find you and get you out of the Joker’s grasp. That I wasn’t strong enough to move those pillars to find you before death swallowed you whole. That I hadn’t figured out quickly enough that the vigilante Red Hood was you.
“I always visited your grave after your funeral as a reminder to myself how I failed you. That I couldn’t undo your suffering, and that I couldn’t take it away from you and give it to myself instead. And then when Tim came into my life, I came here thinking to myself I couldn’t lose him like how I lost you. I was scared and doubtful and my head was not in a good space.
“And then when I found out you’re alive and filled with anger and hate, I shunned myself every night in my room trying not to let my grief overwhelm me. Tim and Dick, bless their hearts, did everything they could to comfort me. Well, mostly Tim, since Dick was in Bludhaven and our relationship wasn’t the best at that time. But coming back to the main point, I just…the guilt that I carried–carry–within me was strong, and it never left, and I needed to remind myself, to punish myself for what I’ve done, and let you become the monster I had thought you had become.”
Bruce went silent after that, and honestly, Jason was glad he had because what in the actual fuck had he just heard? Knowing Bruce, him carrying that guilt was something he would do–something all parents did when they felt the death of their child was on them. But the way he went about it, the way he coped was just–
It was just flipping unhealthy!
And yes, Jason is very much well aware that he’d be a hypocrite criticizing Bruce’s coping mechanisms when his are…less stellar, but at least he had gotten better thanks to his family. It was because of them he had a change of heart, and rejoined the family once more. It was because of them that the hurt and agony he held onto like a lifeline and used to control petty gangs and crime syndicates had been tempered, and now he used it as a blade.
But Bruce? Sure, he had Alfred, but had that been enough? His relationship with Dick had been incredibly strained during that period, and Tim had been new to everything.”
The answer?
No. It hadn’t been enough.
And Jason considered him a fool to not see just how much his dad had been hurting all these years.
Don’t get him wrong, he still believed his anger towards Bruce was justified, and sometimes he disagreed with his methods of dealing with his opponents, but now that his mind was clear and his heart was free he saw just how cruel he had been. How much grief he had given everyone. His anger clouded his judgement, blinded him, causing him to do unspeakable things. He was so lost in his own head he never once stopped to think just how messed up Bruce had been.
‘Fuck. Oh fuck I messed up a lot of shit, didn’t I?’
His dad had just laid his heart out bare and Jason was struggling to figure how to comfort him. After he was revived, words never came easily for him. He preferred letting his siblings do all the emotional talk for fear he might accidentally say the wrong things.
But now? Right now Bruce needed him. Needed him more than ever. And he was the only one here.
Jason sucked in a large breath, closing his eyes and regaining his composure (because Bruce seeing him breaking apart was the last thing he wanted). He wasn’t sure what would be the first sentence that would leave his mouth. He wasn’t sure if his words would even make a difference. But he had to shoot his shot, and he’d rather do it now while it was just the two of them instead of in the manor where the others were staying for a week. Or two. Plans changed like that almost every single time.
“Y’know, if we had this conversation three years ago, when I was in that dark place and taking out crime syndicate leaders and ruling Crime Alley with an iron fist, I probably would’ve punched you,” Jason admitted, flexing his fingers nervously in pocket. He relaxed a bit when he heard Bruce chuckle. “I mean, with that thick fog hogging every part of my brain as a result of the pit, who knows what I would’ve done. But I’m not that person anymore, and because of that I can talk with a clear head without voices haunting the ever living hell outta me.
“I’m not going to pretend and say things are magically all ok now. I’m not going to say that if I could reverse back time I’d change everything I said. Because I meant everything I said. Back when I questioned why you never killed Joker after everything he had done. Why you always thought showing mercy was the right thing to do when they deserved nothing. However, after I was able to actually form my own thoughts, I started to put myself in your shoes. And then I understood why you have that no–kill policy in place.
“It was after that I knew what I wanted. Not what others expect me to want, but what I wanted. And what I wanted was to rebuild our relationship. Yes, I know it wouldn’t be easy, and we’ve both changed a lot over the years. I come to the grave to remind myself of who I was before is mostly gone. I keep replaying the scene of me crawling out over and over in hopes I’d start to forget. Of course, I still haven’t, seeing I just brought it up.
“And now it’s just us, all I can say is sorry. Sorry that I put you through that guilt for so long after I reached out to you. Sorry that I didn’t notice the signs when I trained myself to identify them so I could help the children stuck on the streets with nowhere else to go.
And moreover, I don’t blame you for what happened to me.” Jason forced Bruce to look at him as his eyes started to burn. “You did everything in your power to find me. You didn’t abandon me as I initially thought–you scoured the entire city just to find the boy you loved and cared for so much. I see that now. All you wanted was to bring me back, and when I came and left you…I’m sorry for that. So please, stop feeling guilty over this now. Whatever happened in the past, let it stay in the past. Don’t let misery be the only thing you know when you see this.”
Then, Jason started to shuffle his feet awkwardly and mumbled, “and for the record, brooding over these sorts of things is my job. So go pick another hobby, will ya?”
For a moment Bruce didn’t say anything, and that was alright. This was the first time in a while Jason had ever said this much in regards to his past. Processing everything that left his mouth was going to take quite some time. And time was, for once, something they had. Both of them didn’t have anywhere they needed to be.
A beat passed. Then two. And then…“Last time I checked I was brooding one before you, Jaylad. So you stole my hobby, actually.”
Ugh.
He walked straight into that one.
“I guess we’re really bad at communication, aren’t we?” Jason said, his smirk softening ever so slightly. And it isn’t just us either–everyone you adopt somehow struggles to use their words, me included.”
“Good to see you aren’t excluding yourself,” said Bruce, bringing his hand up to ruffle his hair, much to his chagrin. And nope! He will never admit in a million years he shrieked like a little girl.
“But you are right about everything else,” he continued, speaking softly. His hand found its way to his shoulder. “About the guilt, the way I grieved every day. Dick tried to help, he did. But I kept pushing him away, kept getting into arguments, and it always ended with him swinging back to Bludhaven. And I wasn’t the best Batman for Tim either during the first two years he was here. Not the way I was with you two.”
Jason snorted. “Yeah, that was idiotic of you, not gonna lie. Kid didn’t deserve all that. The same goes for Dick too.”
Bruce sighed. “And I only realize that now.”
“But you also mended your relationships with them too.” Jason gently nudged his shoulder. “And with me. You did indeed realize it wayyy too late you were a jackass, but once you did, you did everything in your power to make things right. And look at us now. Everyone swings by the manor for the holidays or for any other reason except for feeling like they have an obligation to. All thanks to you. You might’ve divided this family in the past, but it’s because of you we’re back together stronger than ever.”
“I did, but I was still a terrible father. To Dick. To Tim. Even to you when I tried to get you back. Even now, knowing that you’re back with us, I get nightmares. Of you drowning in the Pit. Of Joker hunting you down and torturing you again. That feeling won’t go away no matter how hard I will it away.”
“I get it,” Jason said quietly, shuffling his feet. The rain had stopped, but Bruce was still holding the umbrella. Holding it like it would shield him from the world. “Living on my own with nothing but my anger fueling me. The voices in my head telling me to seek revenge for what happened. To hurt you because you left me for scrap. And even though there are times where I find myself disagreeing with whatever you do or feel that anger, I’ve forgiven you Bruce. I’ve forgiven you a long time ago. The question is, are you ready to forgive yourself?”
Bruce sucked in a sharp breath, and that’s when Jason knew he hit him right in the mind and heart. Cause that’s what this was all about wasn’t it? The blame overrode all his senses, turning him into a shell of the man he once was. And honestly, if anyone were in his position, they’d probably do the same thing.
Seriously, what is it with dads and their need to force themselves into self depreciation for every problem that comes into their life? Someone has to write a research paper on that shit.
“I–” Bruce choked on his words. He cleared his throat and finally folded the umbrella. The sun shone right on them and the grave, the stone gleaming brightly under its radiance. “I honestly don’t know. I know I have to, soon and fast, but I really don’t know anymore.”
Jason could work with that. At least he was being honest about his feelings right now. “But you know you’ll have to reconcile with your feelings soon enough. You have time, but that time is creeping up day by day. I just…I just don’t want to lose you again and lose myself and–”
Before he knew it, the tears that he had tried so hard to keep to himself spilled out, and Bruce hugged him hard.
“I know Jaylad. I know.” Bruce hesitated again. “For both of our sakes I need to try harder. But I promise you that you will never lose me again. And I promise to always pull you out when you drown in your feelings. Me and the family are always here to remind you that you aren’t alone, despite what you think. I’ll always do my best to be by your side.”
“I know,” came Jason’s muffled voice. He closed his eyes and let himself be hugged by his father figure. Let himself be vulnerable. Let the tears fall and fall and fall and let himself fall apart and let Bruce pick up the pieces and put him back together again.
“So, you two finally talked things out? I heard from Dick that things went better than expected,” Tim said, shutting his laptop and setting it on the table. He grabbed one of the controllers and tossed it at Jason, who caught with one hand, the other holding an opened energy drink. He sat down next to him on the sofa and ran a hand through his now freshly blown–dried hair. His fingers lingered on the white strands for a few seconds longer before they dropped onto his lap.
“Yeah, though I didn’t expect him to be at the grave the same time as me. I never thought he ever visited the place. Not gonna lie, I was a bit surprised.”
“But it also makes sense,” Tim countered gently, turning on the TV and Xbox. “Bruce cared about you a lot. I remember he told me a bunch of stories about your patrols once he felt comfortable to share anything about you. Every morning and night he looked at your Robin costume and touched the casing for a few minutes before beginning his day. Well, he stopped now since you’re back, but I wasn’t aware he still visited the grave.”
Jason sighed, letting the exhaustion he felt seep deep into his bones. He leaned all the way back, his back hitting the soft cushions in a soft plump. “So I’ve heard. Honestly, I think everyone in this god-forsaken family needs a therapist. Or have a group therapy scheduled every week or month or something. Having to dig out stuff from you lot gets annoying at times, I swear to god.”
At that, Tim shot him a smirk. “That’s what you say, but let’s be honest here, you wouldn’t even show up and that’s a fact.”
“Hey!” He pointed an accusatory finger at his younger brother, trying his damn best to look mad to no avail. “I never not turn up to something I suggest Timbo. I’m a man of my word. And I really am thinking about talking to Bruce about this. Maybe not now, but sometime in the future. I just have to relay this to the others and get them on board. The more people on my side the better.”
“Well, you won’t have to worry about that. Everyone would agree instantly.”
Jason raised a brow.
“Almost everyone would agree instantly,” Tim corrected. “But honestly, Demon Spawn would follow Bruce anywhere. Not blindly, sure, but he still does.”
“I’m talking about our more…extended family here.”
“You wanna include Aunt Kate and Harper?”
“Well, if they want to. But something tells me they’d rather keep to themselves. Aunt Kate especially.”
“Fair enough.” Tim settled comfortably and picked out Mario Kart, a devious smile on his face. “Anyways, ready to have your ass handed to you, Red Hood?”
Now that was something he was used to hearing all the time. He could work with this flow. “Hah! In your dreams, Replacement. Prepare to be eaten by my dust. Loser has to buy ice cream for two weeks. With Bruce’s money of course.”
“Jason, in case you have forgotten I literally work at Wayne Enterprises and I’m a shareholder. Most of my money is Bruce’s money.”
“Eh, semantics. Now enough talking and more racing. Let’s get a few games in before Dick calls me and decides to drag me into one of his little schemes.”
It’s like Alfred said. There is no timetable to healing.
And Jason promised himself he’d be patient. For himself, for Bruce, and for his family.