Archive of Our Own

Zane Boodram

June 14, 8:41 PM
Okay, party is tomorrow.
Are you and the guys good to go?
Absolutely!
We’ve got this, don’t worry.
Except you will because you’re Shane Hollander and you worry about everything.
Thanks 😑
I gotta hand it to you, Hollywood.
It’s great that you’re doing this for him.
Roz is going to love it.
And the fact that you’ve put this all together on your own is really impressive.
Thanks, Bood.
It’ll be good, I think.
And again, please don’t call me Hollywood.
Sure thing, husband of my captain, Ilya Rozanov.
So much better.
Just let me know if you need anything in the meantime.
And please remind the guys this is a surprise.
He’ll get very dramatic, but they’ve got to stay strong.
Will do!

The Party Planning Committee

June 14, 9:08 PM
Okay, party is tomorrow!
Does everyone remember their assignments?
Haas
Yes!
Barrett
Yeah, I might need a refresher.
Hazy
Of course.
Dykstra
Not at all.
Great to know which of you I can count on in an emergency.
Recapping for the less responsible among us.
Party is at my place and I’m cooking the meat, obviously.
Haas is picking up the alcohol.
Haas
🍾
Hazy is picking up all the desserts.
Hazy
The cake is going to so good, guys.
Barrett is bringing the puppies with Harris.
Barrett
Ohhh. Right.
The puppies.
Haas
How could you forget puppies?
Barrett
Hey, they’re not mine.
They’re at the farm until they’re old enough to find homes.
If it’s not at my house, odds are I’m forgetting about it.
How did you function before Harris?
Hazy
He didn’t.
Dykstra
Ouch.
Barrett
No, that’s fair.
And D, you’re in charge of music.
Dykstra
YES.
Don’t get too excited.
It’s just a playlist Hollander made.
You literally just have to attach your phone to the speaker and make sure it plays.
Hazy
Shane made a playlist?
I’m skeptical.
He might be the only one who has worse taste in music than Dykstra.
In the sense that he has no taste in music.
Apparently, he’s been making notes of all of Roz’s most played songs and made a list.
Barrett
That’s actually really sweet.
Dykstra
Hey, how come everyone else has actual responsibilities, but I only got a pre-made playlist?
You really want an answer to that?
Dykstra
…no.
Great.
And one more thing.
Hollander wanted me to remind everyone this is a surprise and not to give in, no matter how whiny Roz gets.
And we were all there for the McGriddle Shortage of 2020, so we know how bad it can get.
Hazy
God, what a time.
Do we think this will be better or worse than that?
Considering Shane is basically pretending he’s forgotten Roz’s birthday?
Infinitely worse.
Haas
Poor captain 😭
Barrett
He’ll be fine.
Once he realizes how much work went into this, he’ll never shut up about it.
Yeah, prepare yourselves for the constant, ‘my husband, Shane, planned me the best party.’
Hazy
'Do you remember the time when my husband, Shane, planned me a birthday party?'
Barrett
'My husband Shane is sooooooooo hot.'
Dykstra
He’s going to be insufferable.
Hazy
Well, you know what he says.
Happy captain, happy everyone else.
As much as I hate to admit it, he’s not wrong.
Let Hollander know if you have any issues.
But let’s try to make this as seamless as possible!
Dykstra
Aye aye, assistant captain
Barrett
🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡
Haas
Yes, sir!
Hazy
Not a problem at all ❤️

Света

June 15, 12:02 AM
Happy birthday, darling.
You are always the first ❤️
Don’t think too much of it.
I’m out at a club.
Easier to text you now instead of at 3 pm tomorrow when I stumble out of bed.
You always were too good to me.
Oh, I know.
I hope your husband gifts you something positively nasty.
Thank you for manifesting so much goodness in my life.
I am nothing if not giving.
I’ll have a shot or five for you.
Wish you were here to celebrate.
Next year for sure.
I love you.
Love you, too.

Husband ❤️🍑

June 15, 7:12 AM
Morning ❤️
I made breakfast for you.
Sorry, I had to leave so early.
You are so sweet, my loving husband.
Don’t get too excited.
It’s just a protein shake and some granola.
Oh.
Well, that is not very thrilling, but okay.
I’ll be out most of the day at meetings, so I’ll see you sometime tonight.
Would you mind making dinner?
These meeting days always leave me exhausted.
There’s some salmon in the freezer.
Uh.
I mean, I can.
But are you sure you don’t want to do something a little more…special?
What for?
Like I said, I’ll be exhausted so.
I think a quiet night in would be best.
I’ll see you tonight.
Love you!
😞

Five Men and a Baby

June 15, 9:28 AM
Hazy
Happy birthday, Roz!
Bood
Happy birthday, Cap!
Barrett
Happy birthday!!
Dykstra
It’s your birthday!
Haas
Happy birthday, Captain! You are the most wonderful hockey player and leader, and I hope today is your best birthday yet ❤️
Well, it’s not, so your wishes mean nothing.
Bood
Okay. Well.
Looks like we are feeling a bit dramatic today.
Hazy
Do you want to expand, or how can we best support you?
I will expand even though it is incredibly painful to do so.
Barrett
Oh, goody.
My husband.
Shane Hollander.
The supposed love of my life.
The holder of my heart and half of my assets.
The future father of my children and feeder of my dog.
Forgot my birthday.
Barrett
Whaaaaat.
No way.
Bood
That’s crazy.
Dykstra
Bummer, man.
Haas
Are you sure?
Did you remind him at all?
***SCOFFS.***
Luca.
I know you are young, but please.
Of course I reminded him.
I put it in his phone.
I wrote it on the dumb calendar he insists on keeping on the fridge.
I have reminded him daily of how much older he is than me since his birthday because he’s a cradle robber.
Hazy
Isn’t he only like a month older than you?
36 days.
And I make him feel EVERY one of them.
Bood
That sounds about right.
Barrett
Maybe he’s going to surprise you or something.
Bood
Troy.
Oh, please.
The only thing surprising about Shane Hollander is his inability to be surprising.
Haas
I’m sure he didn’t forget!
Don’t loose hope ❤️
Shane loves you so much.
It’s still early in the day!
He made me a PROTEIN SHAKE, Haas.
Barrett
How could he?
Hazy
So bleak.
Bood
The horror.
Dykstra
At least you won’t be hungry while you’re depressed about your birthday.
And here I thought you all were my friends.
Clearly I am very, very much alone here.
Bood
Hey.
Roz.
Of course we love you and want you to have the best birthday.
I think we’re all busy today, but how bout we take you out tomorrow?
Our treat, wherever you want to go.
Fine.
You can take me somewhere I can get very drunk and forget my husband’s ultimate betrayal.
Dykstra
I thought his ultimate betrayal was sleeping with Rose Landry?
Yes, well.
It turns out it can get worse than your gay husband sleeping with a decidedly not male movie star.
Bood
Well, I'm sure we can facilitate taking you out.
Barrett
Should we invite Shane or is it too soon…?
Haas
I know a place that has a lot of Beluga Noble ❤️
Thank you, Luca.
I have been waiting for the day when your obsession with me would come in handy.
Haas
What?!!!
No!!!!!!
I just know you like that vodka!!!
I’m not obsessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bood
The amount of exclamation points is making you look a little unhinged, buddy.
I will see you all tomorrow.
Spare a thought for me and my pain if you can find the time.
💔💔💔💔💔

The Party Planning Committee

June 15, 9:45 AM
Barrett
That went okay, right?
Other than you going rogue with the surprise mention, yeah. I think we’re good.
Barrett
I knew that would throw him off!
And I was right.
Hazy
Congrats on being right once in your life ❤️
Barrett
I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic, but I’m going to say thank you anyway.
Haas
I am going to pick up all that vodka that I wish I didn’t know about.
Dykstra
All that mortification will be worth it when we get to see the look on his stupid face tonight!
Haas
I’m sure you are right.

Luca Haas

June 15, 10:14 AM
Okay, so.
Funny story.
?
So, when I called to place the order for the vodka, I told them I wanted Beluga Noble, but I guess my phone was cutting in and out and instead of 25 bottles of Beluga Noble, they ordered 25 bottles of Blue Raspberry Lemonade Smirnoff.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Luca.
This is a disaster.
Maybe he won’t notice.
Oh, right. Sure.
Ilya Rozanov won’t notice his fucking vodka is BLUE and flavored like RASPBERRY LEMONADE.
I’m so sorry!!!
He’s going to divorce me.
There’s got to be a way we can fix this?
Maybe we don’t have vodka, but surely there’s another drink he likes that we could get before tonight?
Fuck.
Let me think.
Um.
He likes that cider Harris’ sister makes?
Do you think we can get enough of that?
I’ll pay whatever.
Just as long as it isn’t blue.
I’ll contact Harris.
I will make it happen!
Don’t sweat it.
Too fucking late.
And um.
In the meantime, what would you like for me do with all this Smirnoff?
I don’t care what you do with it, just don’t let Ilya see it.
He’ll probably try to recreate the Boston Tea Party in the Rideau Canal.

Favorite Son

June 15, 10:39 AM
Mama Hollander
Happy birthday, Ilya!!
We’re so glad you were born.
Papa Hollander
Happy birthday to my favorite Russian bisexual son!
Couldn’t be more proud of the man you are.
Thank you ❤️
But you should maybe be a little concerned about the man your son turned out to be.
Mama Hollander
Uh oh.
What did he do?
Papa Hollander
😳
Is that a good face for this occasion?
Yes, it is an excellent choice.
He forgot my birthday.
Mama Hollander
Oh, Ilya. Honey.
What makes you think that?
He hasn’t told me happy birthday at all.
Didn’t mention a thing about it.
Mama Hollander
I’m sure he didn’t forget.
He’s just busy with meetings.
Papa Hollander
Very important meetings.
Meetings are more important than my birthday?!
Mama Hollander
Of course not!
I bet he has something special planned for tonight ❤️
He asked me to make dinner.
Salmon.
Papa Hollander
😳
Mama Hollander
Oh, dear.
Well, why don’t we come over and take you to dinner?
I know how much you love the signature board at Alora.
How can I resist that?
I will pick you up at 7?
Mama Hollander
No, no!
We’ll come get you at 5:30!!
5:30?
Mama, I am only 31 not 75.
Mama Hollander
Just be ready at 5:30, dear.
Papa Hollander
We’ll be the ones in your driveway in a Jeep!
Going to an early dinner in the Jeep.
I cannot stop winning.

The Originals

June 15, 11:03 AM
Did you convince Ilya to go to dinner?
Dad
We did!
But he’s pretty upset at you, kiddo.
I knew he would be, but I think he’ll be fine once he sees his surprise.
…at least I hope.
Mom
Honey, are you sure I can’t help you with anything?
You’ve taken on a lot with this party.
Especially with playoffs just ending.
There’s no reason to stress yourself out if I can help!
Mom.
Just be glad I’m letting you bring him to the party.
Have him at Bood’s house at 6.
That’s all I need from you.
Mom
Alright.
If you insist.
Thank you.
I love you both.
And if you’ll excuse me, I have a vodka emergency I have to go make sure has been dealt with.
Dad
Such an interesting life you lead.
That’s what happens when you fall in love with Ilya Rozanov.

Harris Drover

June 15, 11:12 AM
Hey, did Luca talk to you yet?
Yes!
Don’t worry about a thing, I’m on it.
But this does mean that Troy will probably be responsible for bringing the puppies to Zane’s on his own.
That’s fine. I’m getting ready to drop my Jeep off with him.
Thank your parents again for me for letting us borrow the puppies for tonight.
Oh, please, you’re doing them a favor.
Ilya’s going to be so excited to have another dog 🥹
Plus, they get socialized, so everyone wins.
And seriously, don’t worry about the alcohol.
I’ve got it covered.
You’re the best.
Why didn’t I involve you in this more instead of having the team do things?
You live and learn, buddy ❤️

Jackie Pike

June 15, 12:13 PM
Hey, cutie!
I know you’re busy, just wanted to check and make sure you didn’t need us to bring anything tonight?
Nope. We’re good.
Just yourselves.
Hope the kids are ready to play with puppies.
They’re so excited!
I hope Ilya is ready for an obscene amount of macaroni art birthday cards.
I’ve already cleared space on the fridge.
Sorry I asked you to keep this from Hayden.
Oh, god.
Don’t apologize.
He would absolutely spoil the surprise.
He spoiled his own proposal, so there’s no way he’d keep this quiet.
Where does he think you’re going tonight?
The grocery store.
How long do you think it’ll take him to notice?
Probably when we see the Welcome to Ottawa sign.
See you soon!

Jackie Pike's Worst Half

June 15, 12:45 PM
Happy birthday, I guess.
Did you remember all on your own or did your wife remind you?
It was Ruby, actually.
So, there.
Great. Thanks.
What, no snarky comeback?
I’m not in the mood.
Why?
Did Shane only have sex with once this week or something?
He forgot my birthday.
Fuck, seriously?
That’s not okay.
God, he’s so dense sometimes.
I’m going to remind him.
Thank you.
I’ll take this back later, but you’re a good friend.
Don’t worry, I’ve already screenshot it, and will be posting it on all social media platforms.
This day just keeps getting better.

Hayden Pike

June 15, 1:01 PM
Dude, HOW am I a better husband than you?
What are you talking about?
You forgot Ilya’s birthday?
Oh, fuck.
Did you just talk to him?
Yes, it’s his birthday!
Something you’ve apparently forgotten.
Did you remember on your own or did Jackie tell you?
It doesn’t matter who told me.
It was Ruby then?
Maybe.
God, the one time you decide to be thoughtful to Ilya.
What’s wrong with that?
I figured you’d be happy.
Which I can tell you he’s definitely not. He seems really upset!
You need to fix this!
Any other day, I would give you so much shit about caring about my husband.
But for today, I really need you to stop talking to him.
Just stop.
Don’t engage with him at all, no matter how much he pouts.
I’m so confused.
But okay.
Not like I need to be told twice to stop talking to your Ilya Rozanov.
You’ll figure it out tonight when you go to the grocery store.
Wait, how do you know about that?
Bye, Hayd.
Stop talking to my husband!!!!!!!
Whatever, weirdo.

Evan Dykstra

June 15, 1:57 PM
Hey, dude.
So funny story.
The playlist you sent me is called ‘Hollanov Sexy Time,’ is that the right one for tonight?
What?
Shit.
Fuck.
No.
This one
Birthday Playlist
Great, thanks.
And can you just delete that other link and pretend you didn’t see it?
Oh, that I could, Shane.
Oh, that I could.

Shane's Beard

June 15, 2:02 PM
Happy birthday, to my favorite husband of my former gay boyfriend!!
Thanks.
I know you’re smiling over there.
You don’t have to deny it.
I can feel how much you love me even across the distance ❤️
You are relentless.
Hey, remember that vintage Tom Ford riding jacket you saw when you were in LA last time?
Yes?
It just might happen to be on its way to Ottawa as we speak.
Shane is going to kill you.
I would love to see him try 😉
Seriously, happy birthday, babes.
Thank you, Rose.
You made the day almost salvageable.
❤️
Hope to see you really soon!

Wyatt Hayes

June 15, 2:35 PM
Hey. So.
Funny story.
You all keep saying that, and none of it has been funny.
What now?
Well, when I filled out the form to order the cake, it asked for what message the cake should say, and I wrote nothing.
Okay?
They put nothing on the cake.
But that’s fine.
I didn’t want anything written on it.
No.
The cake has the word ‘nothing’ written on it.
In big, giant letters.
Nothing.
Ilya’s birthday cake says, ‘Nothing.’
FUCK.
And here I was thinking nothing could be worse than blue vodka.
And literally NOTHING is worse.
We cannot give him that cake, Wyatt.
I know!!
They said they don’t have time to make another one.
And they tried to scrape it off, but it’s just a hot mess looking thing, which I didn’t think you wanted either?
It does feel rather fitting for what this is turning out to be, but no.
That doesn’t work.
Fuck, let me think.
What’s that bakery he likes to walk to that’s by the nature museum?
Three Tarts?
Yes. That’s it.
Go there and buy whatever pre-made cakes they have.
What if they don’t match?
Matching is a luxury I cannot afford right now.
We just need fucking cake.
Ilya loves cake.
Roger that.
And hey.
If it makes you feel any better I picked up the cookies and hand pies with zero issues.
Maybe lead with that next time.
You know what?
That’s fair.

Husband ❤️🍑

June 15, 3:11 PM
How are your meetings?
Boring.
Right up your alley, then.
Fuck you ❤️
Is there not something you would like to tell me?
Um…?
I think I forgot to change out the laundry last night?
😤😤😤😤
You need to change much more than that, Shane Hollander!
God.
MEN.
Don’t forget to get the salmon out to thaw!

Troy Barrett

June 15, 3:21 PM
Uh, hey.
Funny story.
Oh, my god.
What now?
You might need a new car.
I’m sorry, what?
Well, you know I have eight puppies in here.
Okay?
And?
I mean, puppies are kind of messy.
So, now the inside of your car is now pretty messy.
You didn’t think to put down towels or something?
That would have been really smart.
And something I think Harris probably would have thought of.
But as you know, he is currently occupied elsewhere.
And I am not cut out to be the brains of any operation.
For fuck’s sake.
This is why you don’t do nice things for your husband.
But the good news is, the puppies are at Bood’s, and they are super cute.
Roz is going to love them.
Great.
Thanks so much.
Anything for you two!
Let me know if there’s anything else I can do.
I think you’ve done more than enough.

Boss Lady Farah

June 15, 3:33 PM
Happy birthday to one of my favorite clients!!
This is the most excited you have ever been to talk to me.
You got your bonus check, didn’t you?
I sure did.
Good ❤️
Do something nice for yourself, please.
Oh, I’m texting you from my first class seat on my way to Paris.
Love that for you.
I hope this is your best birthday yet, and may you have a year free of sex scandals with your rival.
I’ll do my best.
But really, it is Shane you have to watch out for.
You know, I always had a feeling that was the case.

Zane Boodram

June 15, 4:42 PM
Hey, so.
I swear to god if you tell me you have a funny story, I’m going to officially lose it.
Funny story.
FUCK.
It’s not that bad, I promise!
What happened?
Well.
I went inside to grab some more seasoning.
And the puppies found the chicken.
Turns out they are rather resourceful when there’s food involved.
But the good news is, I deboned them beforehand, so Harris says they should be safe.
Okay, but.
We have no food?
For the fifty-some odd people that are about to show up at your house?
Not currently.
But!
We’re working on it.
That’s not at all comforting.
He’s going to be at your house in an hour!
If we have no food, he’s going to think I put zero effort into this!
And I have put so much effort into this, Bood.
You definitely did a great job at delegating to people you probably shouldn’t have.
But it’s going to be fine!
I’m sending Barrett and Haas to the butcher to just get whatever they have.
Maybe we can bribe them for some good stuff with this blue raspberry vodka shit.
IDK, we’ll figure it out!
I think that should be this entire team’s motto at this point.
I just told that to Harris, and he loves it.
He’s going to use it on our socials for the summer.
Great.
Just what I always wanted.

Husband ❤️🍑

June 15, 5:31 PM
I am currently in the car with your parents on my way to dinner.
At 5:30 PM.
ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Yes.
That’s right.
You forgot my birthday.
My own husband.
After I wrote it on the calendar and everything.
“You have to write things down, Ilya, or I won’t always remember them.”
Well, I DID, Shane, and you still forgot, so WHAT NOW?!
Oh, god.
Your dad is driving in the complete wrong direction.
How long do I let him go like this before I say something?
You owe me so many blow jobs for this, Shane Hollander.
He’s now driving into Bood’s neighborhood?
I knew he could get lost easily, but this is a new level even for him.
And now we’re on Bood’s street.
I think I might just offer to drive for him.
Why are there so many cars here?
Is Bood having a party and didn’t tell me?
On my birthday?!
The betrayals keep piling up.
Now your dad is parking and telling me to get out.
Why is your car here?
Shane.
Shane, what have you done?
Did I just hear Sveta laughing?
Are those puppies barking?!
Shane.
SHANE.

Marly

June 15, 11:12 PM
Happy birthday, bro.
Marly.
You told me that already.
At my party.
That you left an hour ago.
Oh, thank fuck.
I couldn’t remember if I told you or not.
Go to sleep, idiot.
I love you.
Thank you for coming.
Tell your husband thanks for flying me out.
He’s a good one.
The best ❤️

Husband ❤️🍑

June 15, 11:59 PM
Happy birthday, Ilya.
I’m so, so fucking glad you were born.
You’re everything.
I love you.
June 16, 8:15 AM
Good luck at your actual meetings today.
Thank you for the perfect birthday.
Please don’t plan any more surprises.
Never. Fucking. Again.
Let’s plan your next birthday together?
All the rest of them.
They’re yours.