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Enjin turned off the water in his shower. With a long groan, he leaned on the shower wall and massaged his swollen right arm.
The mission had been tough. The beasts were too dangerous. There were too many of them. He got only scratched a little, nothing that Eishia wasn’t able to fix. Right after they had come back, she took Gris, Tomme and Rudo to infirmary. The Supporters were injured the most. Enjin had only hurt his arm, Riyo was barely scratched and Rudo ended up with a broken nose. Enjin wasn’t proud of that. That wasn’t his best mission that he had led. And to make things even worse, it had been raining for a whole day. Enjin hated the rain. He wished he had taken his teru teru bōzu charm with him. He hadn’t had it and the mission went to shit. They were also missing one person.
His shoulder burned. He could get it fixed the next day, Eishia needed to rest too. He knew he was able to sleep with that kind of level of pain. He only needed his night smoke and he could fall asleep without any issues.
Enjin made his way out of the shower, he changed into his pajamas and came back to his room. He walked straight to his jacket that was tossed on the bed. Didn’t he hang it on the wall earlier? He was probably so exhausted that he didn’t even remember his own doings. He reached out to the pocket and took his pack of-
The pocket was empty. His cigarettes were gone. He could swear on all the damn Spherit that he had a full pack in his pocket.
Someone must have broken into his room and stole his cigarettes.
Outrageous.
Enjin was too done with everything to think straight. He turned around to grab his Umbreaker. He was getting his cigarettes back. If he needed to beat someone with his Jinki to get them back, he would do that.
But there was another problem.
Umbreaker was missing too.
All the previous tiredness had disappeared, Enjin was now wide awake and he immediately reached to his choker.
“Shikage, there’s an issue. There has been a break-in in my room. Somebody had stolen my vital instrument.”
“Oh, Umbreaker is with Zanka. He’s currently sitting on a rooftop.” Shikage replied to him instantly, sounding a little nervous.
Enjin stilled. That– was unexpected.
“Thank you Shikage.” He ended the call, not wanting to bother Shikage anymore.
Enjin never thought that Zanka would take Enjin’s (or anyone’s) vital instrument without permission. Hell, Zanka would never take them even if he had permission. That was out of his character.
Although, Zanka had been acting very weird since the very morning.
Before the morning briefing, Semiu had called him in. After that, Zanka had been lost in his thoughts during debrief. He wasn’t paying attention and he kept staring at Lovely Assistaff for most of the time. And as they were ready to leave for the job, Zanka had asked Enjin to stay out of it.
That was VERY OUT of his character.
Enjin agreed for him to stay. Something must have happened with Zanka and Semiu. Enjin didn’t even have any time to think about it. The mission took priority, it was a tough one, they were definitely missing Zanka there. They came back injured, but fortunately it was nothing that Eishia couldn’t deal with. Enjin planned to talk to Zanka the next day, but apparently, the boy had other plans.
—
It wasn’t raining, the sky was absolutely showering. It was rare to have such heavy rains on the Ground, they happened only a few times a year. It felt like the sky was crying, mourning deeply.
Enjin arrived at the roof, Gris’s spare umbrella in his hand. Enjin hated using other umbrellas than his own Umbreaker, but he hated the rain more.
And on the rooftop, there was indeed his missing precious instrument. And his own student hiding under it. With Enjin’s missing cigarette pack in his hands.
Zanka was a tall young man, but somehow he managed to fit his entire curled up body under Enjin’s Umbreaker. It looked like he was shielding himself from the entire world. In front of him there was a bunch of half burned cigarettes’ buds. A fresh cigarette was currently lit in Zanka’s hand. Enjin observed him for a while in silence. Zanka watched as the tobacco burnt on its own and tossed in on the ground, without taking a hit. He grabbed another one from the pack, when Enjin decided it was time to intervene.
“Hey, Zanzan, you have picked nice weather to be chilling out here at night and admire the views.”
Zanka suddenly jumped startled when he heard Enjin’s voice. He turned his gaze to his mentor, eyes red, wide-open and afraid. He had been crying.
‘Shit. Something really bad must have happened.’
Enjin walked slowly to Zanka.
“Hey, it’s okay. Sorry for scaring you.” He sat down next to him under Gris’s umbrella. That thing was so small and not handy, he didn’t feel safe, he hated it so much, he hated the rain, he missed his Umbreaker so much. Enjin reached out and took his pack and lighter from Zanka’s hands. He lit a cigarette for himself. The smoke hit his lungs immediately, he felt relaxed with the familiar feeling. Then he lit another one and passed it to Zanka.
Zanka didn’t take it, instead he kept staring at Enjin. Enjin could see the uncertainty, fear, and hurt in the boy’s eyes. He’s only seen that expression on Zanka one time, when the boy was thrown out from the Nijiku’s estate.
Enjin and Riyo came back to the well a day after meeting Zanka for the first time and were relieved to find it empty. They assumed the boy from the well must have climbed out and went home. As they were leaving the Kamuatari District, they passed the Nijikus estate and they had witnessed the same boy getting brutally thrown out from the house by, who they assumed and found out later that they were correct, his own father. The boy didn’t have the same wooden staff from the well, but he was holding a beautiful and glowing vital instrument. His own eyes were glowing at that moment with a gorgeous navy anima, but as soon as he landed outside, the glow disappeared. The staff turned back to its wooden form and the boy’s expression turned into a petrified one.
That had been the same expression that Zanka had right now on the roof.
He was all curled up, hugging his legs with one hand, back and shoulders slouched down. He was holding onto the Umbreaker with his whole body.
He was sitting as if he had been back in the well.
“Where’s your vital instrument, Zanka?” Enjin questioned him. Given the current situation, he tried to be gentle, but he needed to be firm. He still didn’t know how to feel about Zanka taking his jinki so suddenly without any word. He loved the boy, truly, but he had his own boundaries.
“Back in my room. I didn’t want to get her wet.” Zanka quietly replied with his head down.” I didn’t want her to witness… this.” He hugged Umbreaker tighter.
“I’m– so’ry.” He sniffed. “I– I–”
Enjin dropped his spare umbrella and squeezed himself right under Umbreaker - he could finally feel her warmth and welcomeness – and hugged Zanka with his arm, tugging the boy into his chest. He let Zanka cry in silence for a while, rubbing Zanka’s arm. Enjin whispered sweet nothings and words of reassurance until his student had calmed down.
“Are you okay to talk to me?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, you’re not in trouble, although I know that you know that you did something you should never do.” Enjin said that while slowly caressing the handle of his Umbreaker.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, Zanka, let’s talk. What happened?”
“I’m so, so sorry, I shouldn't be crying about that, but– I can’t help it.” Zanka burst out in a fresh wave of tears. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.” Zanka only sobbed harder while he started rocking his body front to back.
Enjin could only hug him tighter. All his previous harsh feelings have disappeared. He even didn’t feel the pain in his own arm anymore. He wasn’t bothered by his tiredness anymore.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I should act. I- I- I’m sorry.”
“You don’t know how to act about what, Zanka? Let me help you.”
Zanka stayed still for a while, then he reached out and took out an envelope from his pocket. It was damp and scrunched. He handed it out to Enjin. Enjin opened it and read the letter.
Enjin read it.
.
.
.
“Your father has passed away.”
“Yeah.”
“He-” Enjin didn’t know what to say. What was even Zanka thinking about his own father? “I’m so sorry, Zanka.”
Zanka finally accepted the cigarette from Enjin. Somehow, it was still burning. He brought it to his mouth, inhaled once and then he flicked it away. It landed with the rest, which were already soaked and turned into wet mush. Zanka stared at them. He didn’t move for a while.
“He beat me. He yelled at me. He was obsessed with making me a perfect soldier. He disinherited me. He threw me out of the house.” Zanka paused. His face turned sour. “But I remember when he had been good to me. When I was younger, he- he-”
Enjin listened carefully. Zanka inhaled deeply.
“I think he truly loved me once.”
And then he exhaled with a loud sob.
“And I think I did too.”
Zanka continued his monologue while crying again.
“And I know I shouldn't. He was bad to me. He was terrible. After joining the Academy I thought that I would never be good enough for him. But I can’t just- not feel sad.”
Enjin could only watch as Zanka was pouring his soul to him. He didn’t know what to say. Enjin didn’t know what to think about it. He never remembered his own parents. He didn’t feel bad when his caretakers were gone. He knew he and Zanka had very different upbringings.
Enjin didn’t know how much it hurt to lose a parent. He did lose Alto though.
“You shouldn’t beat yourself up for missing him. For missing the “good version” of him.”
“I- don’t know. I don’t know, Enjin. I don’t know. I don’t know how to act about him now-.”
“Zanka, you don’t have to know that. It’s-
“I overheard him one time.” Zanka interrupted Enjin. That never happened before. Enjin noticed how emotional the teenager had gotten. He must have been really hurting. With glossy eyes, Zanka was staring blankly in the distance, recalling his memory. “He was arguing with my mother, they were yelling, they- she- she said that the pills failed. I didn’t know what she had been talking about, but he said then- he said- “ Zanka was hyperventilating. “-s-said that it didn’t matter that the abortion failed. He said that they would make me be like Kyouka and Goka, he-he said that one day they would be proud of me. I really wanted to make them–”
Enjin didn’t give him any chance to finish. He wrapped his both hands around the poor boy and hugged him tightly. Zanka’s face was pressed into Enjin's chest, sobbing his heart out. They stayed like this for a while with Umbreaker shielding them both from the downpour.
The sound of rain and Enjin’s clothes muffled Zanka’s cries. Enjin couldn’t do anything else than hold him tight. Ground him. Keep him safe. That’s all Enjin wanted to do. Keep him safe away from his family. He felt like he failed Zanka. His own mind was racing, filled with worry and sorrow. He lit himself another cigarette. He really needed this.
When Zanka had calmed down, again, he separated himself from Enjin’s chest and leaned down his head on Enjin’s shoulder. Enjin smoked all of the cigarette and looked into the pack. The last one. He lit it and gave it to Zanka. He watched in silence as his protege smoked it without rushing. He hoped it helped to take the edge off his mind.
After a while, Enjin asked in a concerned voice. “Why didn’t you come to me earlier? Right away?”
Zanka looked away in shame.
“You went on a mission-”
“Before the mission. You read the letter before the morning meeting. You could have talked to me then.” Enjin was firm.
“I… wasn’t- I mean- I didn’t want to bother you.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Lately you have only been focused on Rudo and finding the Watchmen series. And on the Raiders. And on the preparations for the Doll Festival…I thought… You know since Rudo arrived down here, you made me his teacher. And it’s been years since you brought me here and you made me a valuable member of the cleaners. You believed in me. You made me believe in myself. That I’m strong enough. That I’m enough. And then Rudo came and you started treating him like you treated me. And I’m almost an adult now. And since then I really didn’t think-”
“You thought I moved on from you. Just like your father moved on since you joined the Academy. You really have thought I had exchanged you for Rudo. That now I would only care about Rudo, I made you care about him too, he’s the priority and you cannot come to me with any personal issues if they don’t concern Rudo. Because you went back into Nijiku’s way of hiding your own emotions that could possibly make you seem weak. You thought that you’re older so you should bear it all alone.” Enjin voiced out all of Zanka’s concerns. He felt the teen stiffen up.
“It’s not like that.” Zanka replied quietly, yet Enjin knew the boy was lying to him.
“Zanka, do you think if Riyo was going through something similar she would feel ashamed to talk to me about it? Or to you? Do you think I stopped caring about you as a person just because I took Rudo to the Cleaners?”
“No, ‘s not like t’at, I- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be even crying after my father, I haven’t seen him in years, he doesn’t deserve my tears.”
Enjin remembered Zanka’s first months in the Cleaners. How they boy didn’t want to open up to anybody. He was very poor at handling his emotions. He’s gotten so much better since then. That’s what Enjin had thought. That Zanka had been fine. Yet, he was still boiling everything inside and finally blew up that rainy night.
“Why did you take my Umbreaker? You knew I would be looking for her. You say you didn’t want to bother me, but you knew that I would find you.”
“I didn’t think that part through. I just needed to feel safe. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you feel safe with me?”
“I do.”
“Then why didn’t you come to me?” Enjin didn’t let that go. “You know, you can talk to me anytime. About anything. I don’t want you to think that you have to deal with everything by yourself again. This place… this home is different from your previous one. You should know that.”
“... I do know that.”
“You do? You’re confusing me here, Zan.”
“I’m confusing you? I, I, not you, am confused! I don’t know why I am like this! Fuck off!”
“Just say it.”
Zanka’s eyes said that for him before he had a chance to say that thought out.
“I- I- I miss my dad.” And that did the trick. Zanka crumbled down. Again. And Enjin still held him tightly.
“Cry it out. Nothing else will make you feel better now, you just need to cry it out.”
And so Zanka did.
“It’s okay.” Enjin was still holding him. “You have a right to be sad. Anyways, it’s only you and me. You can cry as loud as you want, nobody will hear you thanks to the heavy rain. No one will think bad of you if you just admit you miss your family sometimes–”
“But only sometimes.” Zanka admitted quietly through his sniffles.
Enjin hated the rain, always has, but at that moment, he was grateful for the rain keeping them safe from the outer world. He was grateful for his Umbreaker, too.
“I never told you this before, but you and I had very different upbringings.”
That got Zanka’s attention. Enjin never talked about his past.
“I never met my parents, but I had someone that saved my life when I was about your age when I met you for the first time. I didn’t spend much time with him, but I owe him my life. I wouldn’t be here if I never met him.”
Zanka’s teared-up eyes were glued into Enjin’s.
‘I wouldn’t be here too if you didn’t talk to me in that well.”
‘I know.’
They left that part unsaid. They didn’t need to say that outloud. Not anymore.
“I lost him too, he left me, he had too. But I got stronger and here I am. And you are here too. And I’m grateful for that.”
‘I believe in you. You can get stronger. Maybe one day you will be able to save another lost kid, like I did.’
“You had it rough. They raised you up to become a soldier. You didn’t deserve that. They had lost you before they even realized that. It wasn’t fair of them to just expect you to grow up and move on from the love they once gave you just so that you could leave your past needs behind, when you still need a family first before anything. It isn’t weak or childish of you to miss how your family used to be.”
Zanka nodded.
“I just wanted to make them proud.”
“I know. I wish I could tell you that they are. But I don’t know that. But what I know for sure, is that I am proud of you. And so is Riyo, Semiu, Gris, Boss and everyone else you care about in the Cleaners. I know we will never replace your family. But we care about you in a way they should have. I can guarantee you that.”
Zanka nodded once again, Enjin’s words had sunk in.
“And if you’re ever feeling like this anytime, just tell me. I’d be more than glad to lend you my Umbreaker anytime. Anytime, Zan.”
“Anytime. S’rry for taking her.”
“It’s okay, Zan.”
Enjin wondered if Alto would be proud of him. He just realized he became that person that he idolized in Alto. That safe, reliable person for others when they needed shelter, amidst all the cold, the rain, and all the heaviness of their hearts.
But he could only wonder.