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Yanqing knows this is a dream.

He knows.

He's walking through Aurum Alley. The streetlight flickers to the tempo of his steps. The artificial sky is a void of black, colors splashed across like the fancy, expensive and abstract paintings that lie in the Seat of Divine Foresight. Gentle stars are speckled across, and he feels himself drawing lines connecting them, like Diviner Fu showed him when he was young. The air smells nice, the faint scents of food stalls long closed lingering in the air.

He knows this is a dream, because it doesn't snow on the Xianzhou.

Yanqing has dreamed of snow. He hears stories of the relentless snowstorm of Belobog, and tales from Guinaifen of the celebrations that take place amidst the frigid weather.

Yanqing has dreamed of snow. He dreams of snow that doesn't shimmer a faint pink. He dreams of snow that isn't sharp and coarse to the touch. He dreams of snow that isn't dust of destroyed ice.

He dreams of real snow.

Yanqing wanders through the snow. This snow is like nothing he's ever seen or heard of. It gently cascades down, blanketing the world in a layer of white. The cold surrounds him, but not uncomfortably.

He has never felt lighter.

He feels free.

—

Yanqing watches as General Feixiao relays the message that Hoolay has been defeated. Something in his chest unravels at that. Apparently, is was part of some whole plan. He doesn't want to think of that though, because well, he wasn't told.

Did the General not trust him anymore?

Was he so insignificant that he wasn't informed?

Was he even meant to be on the Skysplitter?

General Feixiao places a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you for your service today, Lieutenant. You made great contributions. We couldn't have done it without you."

He lets out a hollow laugh. "I'm sure you all had it handled. You would have done just fine without me."

Feixiao smiled. "Still, your presence today saved many." She leans in, whispering conspiratorially. "Jing Yuan never spoke of how talented his retainer was. If I didn't know any better, I would assume he was trying to keep you all to himself!"

Yanqing forces a smile onto his face as General Feixiao walks over to Yunli and March, seemingly to thank them for their service as well.

He knows that Feixiao meant it as praise, but ouch. The General didn't even speak of him?

Of course he doesn't, a voice in his head says, why would he speak of a failure like you? He feels tears sting at his eyes. He shakes his head. No, not here, he tells himself.

"Alright everyone!" Feixiao's voice booms. "I'm going to have to make a summary of what happened to the officials. You all go to the Alchemy Commission to get yourselves checked out."

"Wait!" Yunli calls out. "Aren't you going to get checked out by the Alchemy Commission?"

Feixiao sends a reassuring smile. "I will. It's just a short summary, not a full debrief. It will probably take max five minutes."

"I'll go with you!" Yanqing feels himself say.

"Are you sure? You don't need to force yourself. I understand that you all have been through a lot. "

Yanqing forces another fake smile onto his face. "I'm fine, really." He takes a step forward when suddenly—

There's a sharp pain in his head and his knees collapse and vision blacks out and—

He doesn't remember anything beyond that.

—-

"Yanqing!"

A voice calls out, breaking him out of his trance.

He turns his head, making out the faint light of a fire and one blue-haired girl.

Yunli.

He strolled over, smiling at the scene laid out before him. Yunli sits in front of a crackling fire, bundled up in a blanket, next to General Huaiyan. The granddaughter sharing a blanket with her grandfather leaves a pang in his heart, even though he doesn't know why. The new Cauldron Master of the Loufu, Lingsha sits with them.

The three seem to be having a conversation of sorts, though all the words they say pass through his ears with no registration.

Yunli's eyebrows scrunch up. "What in Lan's name are you doing, strolling through the cold like this so casually?"

A small smirk graces Yanqing's face. "What, is the Great Yunli unable to handle the cold?"

She huffs. "Obviously not! I'm just worried… th-that you might get sick."

For a second, Yanqing pauses, surprised by the sincerity. Then he grins again, cocking his ear out, as if he wasn't able to hear her properly. "What did you say?"

He can't tell if her cheeks flush from embarrassment or the light of the fire. He'd bet it's the former though. "Shut up!"

Yanqing lets out a laugh. "I have an affinity for ice, so of course I'm resistant to the cold."

"Even so, you shouldn't be walking out all alone like this. Come sit with us," Lingsha pipes in.

Yanqing waves his hands in refusal. "That's very nice of you, but I have to keep going."

Yunli's faces drops slightly in disappointment.

He turns away, unable to face her pout. "Well, I should get going—"

"Wait!" Yunli grabs his arm. "At least take this," she says, handing Yanqing a berrypheasant skewer.

Yanqing's eyes widens for a second, before a genuine smile blossoms on his face. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

Yanqing keeps walking, through the snow and flickering lights and shining stars.

He ignores the fact that he doesn't know why he has to keep going.

—

Yunli stares at his body laying in the cot.

Yanqing looks so, so small. He looks pale against the muted green of the alchemy commission's gowns. His body is deathly still. The faint rise and fall of his chest is so slight, you can barely tell.

She hates the way he looks.

He supposed to be arguing with her, laughing with his bright smile, playing with his stupid swords, not here.

He doesn't look like Yanqing.

Lan, she only met him a few weeks ago, and yet he managed to weasel his way into her heart.

"Thank you, Yanqing. Both March 7th and I got off with minimal injuries. We both got cleared just now." Tears prickle at her eyes. "You better get up soon. You owe me another spar before I head back for the Zhuming."

She sat at the edge of the bed, clasping Yanqing's hand. "I'm going to miss you, y'know?" She whispers. "You better come visit."

Yunli got up with a sigh.

"I left you a berrypheasant skewer for sustenance. Hospital food tastes horrible."

She turns away, walking toward the door. She glances at the man sleeping in the plastic chair. She pauses.

"If you don't eat it soon, I will."

—

 Yanqing keeps on walking. The cold by now has settled into his bones, but he pays it no mind. The snows crunches satisfyingly under his feet, and the streetlamps illuminate the path ahead.

He looks back, his trail of footsteps already being covered by a fresh layer of snow.

Yanqing spots a cycrane in the distance. Its figure is blurry, and it stares right at him for a few seconds before it flies away.

Weird.

He keeps on walking.

Yanqing can't remember what he was doing before this. Something must be wrong, because he hasn't dreamed this vividly since he was young. Part of him doesn't want to remember. Something tells him its not anything good.

Something grabs his ankle.

Yanqing is quick to react. He turns his body and kicks his foot up. releasing his ankle. Grabbing his assailant by the wrist, he twists their arm, locking them up. Then, using his forearm, he pushes them into the snow. He wrenches their arm behind their back. When he breaks free from his instincts and gets a good look at his attacker, he spots—

"Captain Sushang?"

"Lieutenant Yanqing!"

Sushang's breath fogs up in the cold, and her cheeks were cherry tomato red. He couldn't tell if it was from the cold or embarrassment. He quickly releases her and she gets up with a groan.

"You're as skilled as always, Lieutenant."

Yanqing grimaces. "I apologize Captain. I acted purely on instinct—"

"No! Why are you apologizing! I"m sorry for scaring you like that. It wasn't appropriate of me."

He laughs. "About that, why were you grabbing my ankle? That's not… normal, even for you."

Sushang buries her face in her hands. "It was… a dare," she mumbles. Yanqing's words finally sink in. "Wait… even for you?" She lifts her face out of her hands, huffing. "What's that supposed to mean?!"

In the corner of his eye, he spots Guinaifen, peeking out of a tent, giggling. She gestures the two of them to join her in the tent.

The two of them head on over and they step inside. The tent is much warmer than it is on the outside, and a small portable lamp brightens the inside. It is a warm white that gives the tent a cozy vibe. Huohuo, Guinaifen and Qingque are gathered in a circle around a game of celestial jade. Sushang flops right down next to Guinaifen.

Qingque pats the ground next to her. "Come on, Yanqing. Join us!"

"Isn't celestial jade a 4-player game?"

Guinaifen giggles again. "I'm sure Sushang would love to opt out a round. The number of dares she's done is frankly, embarrassing."

The heliobus always by Huohuo's side, Mr. Tail if he recalls correctly, chimes in. "I've never met anyone so horrendously bad at a simple game like this!" The judge-in-training sheepishly smiles.

"Yeah, yeah whatever," Sushang turns to him. "You should join us though. Maybe we can team up!"

Yanqing smiles at her. "That's very nice of you, but I have to keep going."

Sushang's face twists in confusion. "Why? Its cold out there, Yanqing. Don't tell me you're going to train in this bad weather."

Yanqing shakes his head. "No, no, I'm not. I just have something to do."

"Oh. Alright," Sushang replies. Yanqing begins to step out when—"Wait!" Sushang leans over, grabbing a small charm and holding it out to Yanqing. "Here, have this." He throws her a curious look and she adds, "It's a good luck charm. Take it as an apology for scaring you earlier."

"Oh. Thank you." He takes the charm, flashing a smile.

"Do you think we could spar again sometime?"

"…yeah, of course." Sushang brightens at that. He steps out the tent, waving goodbye to everyone.

Yanqing keeps walking, through the snow and flickering lights and shining stars.

He ignores the fact that he doesn't know what he needs to do.

—

Sushang steps into the room. The bright white lights of the alchemy commission gives the place a sterile and cold feeling. Yanqing lies in bed, deathly still. His bangs fall over his eyes and he looks abnormally skinny.

"Hey Yanqing. I-uh, went to the debrief meeting today for all the knights. It was weird not seeing you there. You've always been the most diligent out of all of us." She tries to let out a laugh, but it comes out flat.

"They talked about your crazy fight with Hoolay. I saw the surveillance footage of it. It was really awesome." She tries to let out another laugh. "My mom couldn't stop talking about it."

Guinaifen steps closer to the bed. "You gotta teach us some moves, little man!"

"Rest up properly," Huohuo adds.

"Yeah," Guinaifen says, her voice tinged with a little sadness. She forces a smile. "I can't get any good content of the Wardance if there's no ringmaster!" She tacks on a nervous chuckle at the end.

Mr. Tails scoffs. "With Hoolay's poison running through his system, there's no way he'll be up and at it before the Wardance begins."

Huohuo gives him a look.

"Whatchu lookin at me for!? You know it's true."

Sushang sighs. She pulls out a small charm, placing it at his bedside. "It's a good luck charm. I make them with my mother. Some good luck for a safe recovery!" She beams.

The 3 of them step away from Yanqing's bed heading for the door. Sushang bows respectfully to the man sitting in the plastic chair. He smiles in response, but his eyes are marked with fatigue.

Sushang takes one final glance at Yanqing.

Yanqing, she thinks to herself, you will get up, right? 

—

The chill sets into his bones. Yanqing likes it though. It's refreshing compared to the stuffy air of the Luofu.

He loves the Loufu, but when he goes out, there's this sense of artificiality. The air has stale presence, and the sun doesn't give off a real warmth. He has grown up on the Luofu for as early as he can remember, and yet, it's like his body is aware that there's something unnatural.

Did he once know of a different world?

And the stares. They don't stop. When he goes out, it feels as if everyone is watching him, waiting for a slip-up. The whispering and muttering under people's breaths makes him go rigid. Everything on the Luofu is so uptight and tense, it's stiffening.

The cold and snow makes everything feel so far away, makes everything go quiet.

It's nice.

He keeps on walking, each step feeling lighter and lighter. He spots a pink-haired girl with two other figures, wielding her swords.

"March?"

She turns towards Yanqing. "Master! What are you doing out, right now?"

"He archs an eyebrow at her. "I could ask the same thing."

"I'm training, of course!"

"In this weather?"

One of the other figures steps out of the shadows. "If you you think this is bad weather," Stelle teases, "then you should see Belobog."

"Mhm! No weather is going to stop my training! I still got that brawl with Skott after all."

Of course, Yanqing thinks, March would still be fighting Skott even in my dream.

"Still, you should wrap it up soon. We promised we'd meet up with Himeko and Mr. Yang soon." The other figure steps out of the shadows. It's Dan Heng. He smiles. "Hello Lieutenant Yanqing. It's nice to see you."

Yanqing thinks he and Dan Heng got off on the wrong foot. He had been so blinded back then, convinced that he was some criminal. It brought a wave of guilt and shame. Dan Heng was a nice guy. He helped defeat the Lord Ravager back during the Stellaron crisis, and he takes Lady Bailu on little excursions when the Preceptors overwork her.

In fact, all the of Astral Express members were nice. March was a wonderful and diligent disciple. She was bright and cheery and nice, even though she relentlessly teased him about Yunli. Stelle was a bit chaotic at times, but she never harbored any ill intent, and she was always up for chats, even about the simplest things like kittens in the rain. And while Yanqing has only met Mr. Yang and Ms. Himeko once during a meeting, they were super nice, and didn't treat Yanqing like some incompetent little child.

He wonders what it would be like to travel on the Express. He has heard all the stories about them.

Would it be freeing?

"It's nice to see you too Mr. Dan Heng."

"Hah! Did you hear that Mr. Dan Heng? You're getting old!" Stelle smirks.

Dan Heng raises an eyebrow at that, but then sighs, turning away from her. "Don't mind Stelle. Would you like to stay with us? I'm sure March would appreciate some guidance from her actual teacher." That last part of the sentence was directed at March, with a pointed glare.

Stelle sulks. "Come on, you can't hate teaching that much, right?"

Dan Heng simply sighs again in response.

Ah, so he's helping March 7th. Yanqing doesn't mind, really. He was always told that that learning from many different people was good.

Who told him that again?

Yanqing plasters on an apologetic smile. "That's very nice of you, but I have to keep going."

March throws a curious glance at him. "Is something wrong, Master?"

He shakes his head. "No no, not at all. There's just some where I have to be."

"Oh, alright. Give me one second." Dan Heng takes something out of his bag. "Here. Take this." It's a black flask, with gold accents on it.

"What's this?"

March chimes in. "I've bet you you've never had this before! It's hot chocolate, a beverage often drunken when it's snowing outside!" Dan Heng hands it to him. It's warm, contrasting the cold wind blowing around them. He says, "it's cold out, so it'll warm you up. Plus, I never properly thanked you for taking March in."

Stelle adds, "it's Pom Pom's recipe, and they make the best hot chocolate!"

Yanqing beams. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

Yanqing keeps walking, through the snow and flickering lights and shining stars.

He ignores the fact that he doesn't know where he's going.

—

"Master Yanqing…hello." March forces an uptight smile onto her face. Stelle places a comforting hand onto her shoulder. She takes a deep breath. "My training has been going well. Don't worry, I'm not slacking off while you're on bed rest!"

Stelle laughs. "Yeah surprisingly, March has been pretty diligent." March squawks loudly in protest.

Dan Heng shushes the two of them. "Please be aware of your surroundings. We are in the Alchemy Commission. There are people resting here."

Stelle sticks out her tongue at him.

She only gets an unimpressed stare back.

"We brought you a gift!" March pipes in. At that, Dan Heng pulls out a black flask with gold accents. "Hot chocolate!" She then places a finger onto her chin pondering. "You've probably never had it, have you?"

Dan Heng shakes his head. "Yeah, hot chocolate isn't usually found here."

Stelle mentions, "it's Pom Pom's recipe; it's really good."

"Yeah!" March's smile turns a little wistful. "There was this one time where I tripped on the Express's carpet and scraped my leg. It wasn't too bad, but it happened right in front of Pom Pom. They freaked out."

Stelle giggles, only to receive a petulant glare.

"They fussed over over me for like, ten minutes, before leaving and returning with a cup of hot chocolate. This happened only a little while after escaped I the ice." March pauses for a second, before continuing. "The warmth of the hot chocolate was comforting. I hope it helps you feel better as well."

"Rest up Yanqing," Dan Heng adds.

"Get better soon, little kitten." Stelle says resolutely.

Dan Heng throws her a look. "Little kitten?" Stelle grins, covering her mouth with a finger. "Inside joke," she replies with.

March rolls her eyes. "Come on guys, let's go. I'm going to need my master to make a quick recovery if I'm going to beat Skott in the fight!"

A beat. "A good recovery," she whispers.

—

It gets harder to see to through the snow. Like some fog is pushing him back.

He read a scroll on lucid dreaming while staying at the Divination Commission with Miss Fu Xuan. When you're lucid dreaming, you usually have control over what's happening, right? So why is his brain pushing back? Why is his dream fighting him?

He keeps pushing forward when—

Yanqing trips, scraping his knee against a ledge.

"Woah!" He lands on his forearms, bracing for impact, just like he was taught. He picks himself up, brushing the snow off. He gets up to keep going when he spots crimson red staining the pristine white.

Blood.

He looks down down and yep, his pant is torn, red bleeding through. Surprisingly, he doesn't smell the tinge of iron in the air or the sting of the cut. Yanqing isn't sure if that's a good thing. Lately, more than ever, he hasn't been noticing his injuries. People have been having to point it out to him more.

He thinks it isn't too bad. It's a sign his pain tolerance is increasing, right?

While he caught this scrape, there isn't much Yanqing can do about it. He's not carrying a med kit on him, and it's hard to make out his surroundings, it constantly shifting and changing. He highly doubts he'll be able to find medical supplies.

Then again, this is a dream, so maybe he can just materialize it out of thin air—

"Yanqing! What are you doing!?"

He turns around to see Bailu stampeding towards him, her tail swishing behind her.

"Miss Bailu! What are you doing here?"

"Don't Miss Bailu me! You're bleeding out and the middle of a snowstorm!"

He waves her off. It's not too bad. "I'm fine, really."

Bailu's eyebrows scrunch together in frustration. "I'm not having any of that!" She pulls out a packet of wipes. "Give me second, this is going to sting." She disinfects his cut. Yanqing winces. She then places a bandage on it.

Yanqing looks down again and—"are those swords?" It is. Bailu put on a blue bandage with tiny swords patterned across.

She giggled. "You like it? The Astral Express brought some leftover supplies from the Herta Space Station. I saw them when I was sorting through the boxes and saved them for you!"

It's silly and childish. And yet, Yanqing's heart warms at the thought of Bailu saving them just for him.

"Thank you. I appreciate the thought."

"Still, I was hoping I wouldn't have to use them so soon."

"Huh?"

Bailu looks him dead in the eye. "You are always getting yourself hurt!" She jabs a finger at his chest. "You need to stop being so reckless!"

Yanqing grimaces. "I'm sorry Bailu…"

She sighs. "I'm sorry for shouting. It's just, I get worried. If you are hurt, please don't hesitate to stop by." She meets his gaze with a sad smile. "You are one of my favorite patients, after all."

Bailu shakes her head. "Anyways! Do you wanna have a snowball fight A-Qing?"

Yanqing scratches the back of his neck. "That's very nice of you, but I have to keep going."

"Oh." Bailu's smile drops for a second, before returning with full force. "Oh! You're going to see him, aren't you? Well, maybe next time. Take care of yourself Yanqing!"

"You too." Yanqing turns back around.

Bailu calls out behind him, "Don't tell anyone I was here! The Preceptors are looking for me!"

Yanqing laughs. "Of course Bailu!"

Yanqing keeps walking, through the snow and flickering lights and shining stars.

He ignores the fact that he doesn't know who he's going to.

—

Bailu is surprised when two Cloud Knights come barreling into the Alchemy Commission carrying a small boy.

The Alchemy Commission has been receiving a steady amount of patients since the whole fight with Hoolay began, but it has been same uniforms stained with red or bruised with purple.

March 7th and Yunli trail behind them, their bodies leaning against each other. The two of them are battered and bruised.

"What happened—" she catches a glimpse of the boy,"—Yanqing?!"

Bailu turns to the medics standing by. "Get room six ready for qi assessment now. Take Yanqing there now. I will escort March and Yunli to room 10." The medics nod before scurrying off. She turns to March and Yunli, gesturing them to walk with her. "What happened?"

"We fought with Hoolay," Yunli replies simply.

"What!?"

March smiles sheepishly. "Yeah, we fought on the skysplitter. General Feixiao came to help us after a bit and then she sort of went insane and had Yanqing defend against her until she returned to her senses."

"WHAT!?" Bailu can feel a headache coming on. "Nevermind that. I need details on Yanqing. When did he collapse? What injuries did he have? How long was he fighting?"

"He collapsed shortly after the General returned to her senses. It was about 5-10 minutes ago, right?" Yunli turns to March. She nods in response. "I think the fight was at least 20 minutes long? It was kind of a blur to be honest. Yanqing was thrown around quite a bit; the idiot tried to defend us from attacks. I'm not too sure on specifics though."

Bailu sighs, shaking her head. "I'll check in with you two later. Listen to the nurses. I will be really upset if you don't."

March smiles. "Of course Miss Bailu! Thank you for everything you do!"

Bailu's face softens. "Take care of yourselves." She turns around, heading for room 6. She stops to pick up supplies for a blood test and—

The bandages, she thinks. The blue bandages with tiny swords patterned across.

She grabs those too.

Bailu bursts into room 6. "How is he looking?"

Nurse Xianyun meets her look, extremely worried. "Pulse is at 36 and blood pressure is rapidly dropping. Breathing is labored and we suspect his ribs have fractured. Multiple lacerations across the body, and one especially large one on the shoulder."

Bailu's stomach drops. She gulps and steels her courage. "Alright. Start the qi scan. Prepare for blood transfusion."

She looks at the bandages and looks at the boy laying in front of her.

She saved them just for him.

She just wishes she didn't have to use them so soon.

—-

Yanqing treks through the snow. It's beginning to pile up, higher and higher. His legs begin to hurt. How long have I been walking for? Time seems to stretch out. Days, weeks, months? There's a static in his head, starting from the back and spreading to front slowly, like some fog.

His body strung up like a tight wire, ready to snap. Each step feels more and more weightless, as if the snow is a light cloud, lifting him away. He grips his sword like it's the only thing connecting him to the world.

Yanqing is tired. Aeons, Yanqing is so tired.

A Cloud Knight must never let slip their weapon, nor let slacken their form.

Who told him that again?

He keeps on walking, forward and forward, until he comes across—

A training dummy. It's a simple one, filled with straw. It's very familiar. He knows the the drill. He raises him arm and cleanly slices through. The straw flutters to the ground in a clean cut.

The sword clatters down with it.

Yanqing is done, right? He beat the target. He finished the training. He can sleep now, right?

Everything seems so far away. He can't hear, see, smell, taste, feel anything. A gravity guides his eyelids slowly down.

"Yanqing?"

A clean voice cuts through the void. Yanqing knows that voice. "General—"

He's cut off by a tight embrace. "Yanqing! Thank Lan you're okay! I told you not to wander around at night!" His words are sharp and hasty, laced with worry. The general is warm, a beacon of heat amidst the sea of snow and cold. Yanqing feels the tension releasing from his body, melting away.

Jing Yuan pulls away, and for a second, Yanqing chases that warmth. "Aeons, you're freezing!" He looks down at Yanqing's knee. "And you got hurt."

"General…"

"Have you eaten anything? Don't tell me you skipped your meals again."

"General."

"Are you sick? Of course you're sick. How long have you been out in the cold?"

"Baba!"

Jing Yuan snaps out of his ramblings. "What's wrong Xiao Yanzi?"

"Do you love—are you proud of me?"

A smile blossoms onto Jing Yuan's face, albeit mixed with some confusion. "Of course I am, cub. You are my pride and joy, and I love you so, so much."

Ah.

Yanqing knows this is a dream.

He knows.

He knows this is a dream, because it doesn't snow on the Xianzhou and because Jing Yuan doesn't love Yanqing. He smiles. Yanqing is okay.

"I'm going to go to sleep now, Baba."

Yanqing feels himself drifting away, but Jing Yuan grabs his shoulders, as if holding him hostage.

"No, Yanqing. You have to wake up." Jing Yuan's voice is sharp and unforgiving.

What? That thought echoes in his head. After everything he's done, he still doesn't get to rest? Yanqing shakes his head. "No! I don't want to!" He feels like a petulant child, but he doesn't care.

"That's an order."

"This dream, its so nice General," Yanqing utters, breathless. He takes a shallow breath, but his face crumples. "I don't want to wake up!"

"You wish to disappoint me?"

Yanqing wakes up.

—

Jing Yuan is sickened. He is shocked and terrified and appalled.

His little bird, frail and weak.

Yanqing looks young.

Jing Yuan is aware of how young Yanqing is. People will clap him on the back, saying, "you've raised one hell of a boy! So talented at such a young age!" And Jing Yuan can't help but beam with fatherly pride, even though he is not Yanqing's father.

Yanqing has accomplished much at such a young age, that Jing Yuan forgets that he is but a child.

It is easy for long-life species to forget the beauty of youth. For many, life is a fleeting thing, and childhood is of purity and innocence. Even for the Xianzhou species, children are treated as fragile little things, unaware to the capricious and vicious nature of the world.

Jing Yuan has forgotten what it means to be a child. Time is a heavy burden on him, and with each step and each passing day, the shackles get longer and heavier. Jing Yuan has long since accepted that one day the shackles will drag him down, and he will lose control of his body and his self.

The time he spent with his parents during his youth is foggy.

He doesn't remember their names or voices or faces. It is not unusual in Xianzhou culture, especially if you outlive them by centuries. All he remembers is the fettering feeling of what he now realizes was his parent's love. He remembers the urge to grow up faster.

All his parents wanted to do was to protect him from the burdens of the Xianzhou.

The alliance is always at war.

And war takes and takes and takes.

For a long time, Jing Yuan didn't understand his parents. Why didn't they want him the serve for his people? Why were they holding Jing Yuan back?

But he understands now. He understood when looked up from his paperwork and saw baby Yanqing watching the soldiers train in the courtyard with awe in his eyes. He understood when the first gift Yanqing ever asked for was a sword.

War takes and takes and takes. No parent wants their child taken away from them.

Jing Yuan sometimes wishes he learnt to savor his youth, his childhood, instead of rushing to grow up. Maybe he could of taught Yanqing how to savor it as well.

But it is too late, and Yanqing is a child carrying the weight of an adult, a lieutenant and—

It's all Jing Yuan's fault.

He gently brushes away the bangs on Yanqing's pale face.

"Ahem."

Jing Yuan's head swivels around to see his Jade Abacus projecting a figure.

"Lady Fu Xuan," he replies with a smile, "it's nice to see you. How did the investigations go?"

She crosses her arms, scoffing. "Smoothly, as expected. All suspicions have been cleared by the Yuque. I will be returning as soon as possible. Is everything wrapped up with the Hoolay business?"

"Hoolay is a pain in my ass."

"Jing Yuan."

He sighs. "For the most part. There are still some final mission reports to be made. Some civilian areas were damaged, and grants need to be written up for their repair. The skysplitter still needs to be cleaned up and readied for the Wardance. Not to mention the alchemy commission. Cauldron Master Lingsha and Lady Bailu have their work cut out for them. They are swamped with recovering soldiers, including General Feixiao herself and…"

"Yanqing?"

He nods.

"How is he?"

"He's alright. He was clawed on his left shoulder during the fight and some nasty poison entered his system, but Lady Bailu purged it from his body. His cracked ribs have been set and his qi is returning to a balance. The medics say he's recovering remarkably well considering his conditions."

"But something is wrong, isn't it?"

Jing Yuan takes a shaky breath. "He is so still, Fu Xuan. Hasn't moved at all, save for he faint rise and fall of his chest. You know him. He is restless and and moving, even in sickness. What if something is wrong, what if—"

"He's going to be okay."

"I worry."

"And Yanqing is strong. He will fight, and he will wake." Fu Xuan says it with absolute conviction, as if it is some definite truth.

Jing Yuan chuckles. "Has the Matrix of Prescience divined it?"

"Consider it a diviner's intuition," she replies. "Oh, and you look a mess. How long has it been since you've eaten something?"

"The nameless brought me some food a while back."

Fu Xuan sighs. "Please go put yourself back together."

Jing Yuan frowns. "But I don't want to leave him. What if he wakes up all alone?"

"He's not a little boy, Jing Yuan, and he isn't going anywhere. Honestly, the state you are currently in will probably scare him more."

Jing Yuan looks down. His clothes are wrinkled and rumpled. His hair is frizzy and all tangled, like when baby Yanqing used to ride his shoulders and play with his hair. He can feel the weight of his eyelids and eye bags, beckoning him to sleep. He fights off a yawn.

Fu Xuan gives him a look.

Jing Yuan lets out a laugh in response. "Alright, alright. This old man will get off his ass."

"Good. I'll be taking my leave." Her hard gaze softens minisculy. "I know things are quite sensitive right now. Please let me know if there is anything you need."

"Thank you, Lady Fu Xuan."

"You can thank me by naming me as your successor." And with that, her form flickered, before disappearing completely.

Jing Yuan shook his head with a smile, before turning back to his boy.

"I don't want to leave you alone though. Should I listen to her, little bird?" Jing Yuan whispered.

"You most definitely should."

Jing Yuan turned his head in surprise, only to meet the glare of Bailu.

"Lady Bailu, never took you for an eavesdropper."

She huffs. "I am not an eavesdropper. I was treating a patient in the next door and happen to listen in. Miss Fu Xuan is right, though, you look absolutely horrible."

"Your harsh words sting my heart."

"Good."

Jing Yuan dramatically gasped. "See this cub? I'm being ganged up on."

"Please take care of yourself. I don't have room for another patient." And with that she was off.

He looks at Yanqing, still, frozen body and all. "I'll be right back Qing-er." He pressed soft kiss to his forehead. For a moment, it looked like Yanqing had smiled.

"I love you.

—

Yanqing wakes up.

Air comes in shallow breaths, his head is dizzy and his entire body is stiff and sore. A wave of nausea forces its way up but Yanqing forces it back down. There's a weird aftertaste in his mouth and his throat is dry.

Yanqing feels like shit.

He looks around. There's an IV stuck to his arm, a heart monitor in the corner that beeps with his heartbeat, and he lays in a bed with a green blanket tucking him in. His uniform sits by the bed folded up neatly, with all of Yanqing's charms and accessories placed carefully on top.

I'm at the alchemy commission, he realizes.

And completely alone, another voice in his head chimes in. He chooses to ignore that thought.

Sunlight streams through the window, with gray curtains that sway in the light breeze. There's a gingko tree outside, its golden leaves rustling in the wind. Fluffy white clouds drift across a brillant blue sky.

It's a beautiful day out, and yet Yanqing wishes it was snowing.

A small swallow lands on the windowsill. It cocks its head, looking at Yanqing curiously.

"Hey, little guy. What are you doing here?"

The bird lets out a small chirp.

A small smile blooms onto Yanqing's face. "Oh, I see how it is—"

"Yanqing?"

A clean voice cuts through the room. Yanqing knows that voice. "General—" Yanqing swivels around to face the General himself, standing in the hallway.

Jing Yuan looks not much better than him. Eyebags weigh down on his face and his hair seems hastily smoothed out. His clothes betray imprints of wrinkles, despite trying to be fixed. He carries a bag of takeout along with a few scrolls tucked against his arm.

You wish to disappoint me?

The words ring hollowly in Yanqing's ears. He takes a deep breath and forces himself out of bed. "General! Lieutenant Yanqing at your service—" As he raises his hand to salute, his knees buckle, falling to to the ground.

"Yanqing!"

Jing Yuan throws the scrolls and the bag on a nearby table. He surges forward, catching Yanqing before he hits the ground.

Yanqing looks at him with wide eyes, before scrambling back, as if he had been burnt. His head hits the backboard of the bed and he snaps his gaze down the the mint colored sheets.

A pause.

Jing Yuan gets up, brushing himself off. He joins Yanqing, the bed sinking down as he sits on the edge.

"Yanqing," he calls out softly, "look at me please."

Yanqing lifts his head, meeting Jing Yuan's eyes. They're crinkled in softness, and his arms are open, welcoming an embrace.

"I'm here now, Xiao Yanzi."

Yanqing tackles him into a hug.

Jing Yuan lets out a grunt at the force, but envelops him in a hug anyway. Yanqing shakes and trembles in his arms and tucks his head into the crook of Jing Yuan's neck. The two of them hold each other for who knows how long. Jing Yuan is an anchor, keeping Yanqing grounded. For a moment, Yanqing feels like he's a kid again, the way he curls in his mentor's arms.

Jing Yuan only realizes Yanqing is crying when feels a wetness and hears his sniffles.

He pulls away slightly, gently wiping away the tears at the corners of his eyes. "Hey, cub. Are you going to tell me what's wrong? I can't read your mind y'know."

Although his eyebrows are still furrowed, Yanqing smiles shakily. "Aren't you supposed to have divine foresight or whatever?"

Jing Yuan lets out a hearty chuckle. "You got me there," he replies. He makes a show of scratching his chin in thought. "Is it about… me?"

Yanqing stiffens.

He looks Yanqing directly in the eyes. "Am I right?"

He nods. Jing Yuan looks at him expectantly, waiting patiently for him to continue.

Yanqing takes a deep breath. "I'm so tired, General."

"It's like I'm stuck in this limbo. Everyone looks down on me, but they expect the world of me. They want me to be diligent, but they don't trust me with work. Everyone watches me, waiting for me to fail and I just…I'm so tired."

"Oh little bird, I'm so sorry—"

Whatever reins Yanqing has on his demeanour snap. His eyes turn cold and sharp, and he scowls. "Don't you dare." He runs his hands through his hair, that for once are loose and free. "You don't get to say you're sorry. Not when you don't trust me either."

Jing Yuan grips the sheets tightly. It scrunches up under his fingers. "Yanqing, I do trust you."

"Stop lying to me! You don't trust me! Not anymore! Maybe you never did, but I wouldn't know, would I?" There's a forced sneer on his face and Yanqing's fists are balled up in frustration, nails digging into his palms.

"Yanqing, what are you talking about?"

He flails his arms around. "This—! You! Everything! Whenever something goes wrong, you push me away and leave me in the dark! It's like you decide that I can't handle anything and leave me behind. You're supposed to be the Dozing General, the 'lazy' one, and yet you refuse to accept my help! During the Stellaron Crisis you left me behind in Scalegorge Waterscape—"

"—you were injured—"

"—and went on to complete a plan that was basically a suicide attempt! Don't lie to me General, you purposely left me in the dark about the Hoolay business too, didn't you?"

"Yanqing, I…"

"I knew it!"

"Yanqing, why would I name you Ringmaster if I didn't trust you?"

Yanqing goes quiet. He puts an effort to school his expression, but the fast tempo of the heart monitor betrays his frustration. "I don't know," he replies quietly. "You tell me."

Jing Yuan clasps Yanqing's hands. "Yanqing, you are only 15—"

"—and a Lieutenant, Sword Champion and your retainer—"

"—and still a child. You may be talented, but you should not be forced to face dangers of this precedent."

"But if they happen, and they have, it is my duty to face them and protect the citizens of the Luofu. Above all else I am a Cloud Knight—"

"Above all else you are my son!"

Yanqing freezes. "You don't mean that. Don't—stop lying to me."

"I'm not lying, Yanqing."

Yanqing stares right at him, his sharp golden eyes piercing right into his soul.

Jing Yuan heaves out a sigh. "I have lived for many years Yanqing, and I have lost—I have lost many. For a long time, I was drifting off, fulfilling the bare minimum of my duties. Years passed by in the blink of an eye. I wasn't really living." He paused, taking a shaky breath.

"And then, you came to me. A wailing baby amidst a frozen battlefield," he recalls, smiling. "I remember you tugging at my hair, smiling, and in that moment, I knew I would give anything to make you smile." He squeezes Yanqing's hands. "I gave you your name. Yanqing, my little swallow. I watched you say your first words, take your first steps, and win your first fight. You added life to my days, Yanqing."

"I 'm a selfish man. I have already lost much. I—I can't lose you too."

Yanqing studies him for a moment. "...you gave me my name?"

"I did."

Yanqing lets out a breath. His face crumples and he collapses into Jing Yuan's arms. He buries his face into Jing Yuan's neck. Jing Yuan meets him halfway, wrapping his arms around his torso and holding Yanqing securely. He rubs Yanqing's back, comforting him.

"I'm still mad at you."

"I know."

"You pushed me away and treated me unfairly."

"I know."

"I'm still a Cloud Knight with duties just like everyone else."

"I know."

"I love you, Baba."

"I know. I love you too, A-Qing. Oh, and you received many get-well gifts. There's a—

"Berrypheasant skewer from Yunli, a charm from Sushang, hot chocolate from the Nameless and there's a blue bandage with swords on it on my leg from Bailu."

Jing Yuan pulls away, looking at Yanqing with confusion. "How did you know that?"

Yanqing smirks. "You're not the only one with Divine Foresight, General."

"General? Not Baba?"

Yanqing sputters and blushes tomato red and Jing Yuan laughs. Yanqing glances out the window. The artificial sun still beats down. No snow.

That's okay. For once in a long time, Yanqing believes that everything will be okay.