Chapter Text
It had been a tense week for Shane and Ilya. The camps were done but pre season was starting. This was their last "free" week before training camp starts. To Ilya it looked like Shane was loosing his diet. Branching out and having things that he previously told him 'that's not in my diet. I can't have that.' But as the training camp date ticks closer his diet gets more strict. All meals had become a tense situation. Ilya's been picking at Shane about his diet almost every meal.
Each time it happened Shane would get a little more prickly. He had yet to say anything besides telling him to shut up. Never really wanted to get into it. Just let us sit in peace and eat our food and go on with our day.
Ilya sighed as soon as Shane sat down at their table. Shane gave him a look.
"What."
"Oh nothing, just you and your bird food." He gestured at Shane's plate.
"You sighed, for that?"
"Yes. Why eat bird food when you can have whatever." He then gestured to his own plate.
"It's a diet Ilya. You know this." Shane picked up his utensils.
"A diet. I know you say this but is it really?"
"I don't want to have this conversation."
"I'm just sayin. I mean, you had things not in your diet a week ago." Ilya was going to keep prodding. Shane stayed silent. "Is it because it was off season?" No response.
"Fine. Stay silent. Enjoy the bird food."
Shane slammed down his utensils. "I'm fucking done with this." He shoved his plate away and stood up.
"Hollander, sit, eat." He gestured at the plate.
"No. I'm gonna go. I told you I didn't want to talk about it and you keep ignoring me and it's really starting to piss me off Ilya."
"Maybe because you won't talk."
"Oh fuck you. I can't even right now." He threw his hands up and walked away.
"Shane!" Ilya called after him.
"No! You don't get to do that, you've been doing this all week and I am sick of it. Just fucking leave me alone for a minute."
"Are you serious? We just sat down. Eat your food."
"So now it's food? Fuck off, I'm done right now. I need my fucking space." Shane walked away.
Ilya sighed and went back to eating. It was no use going to follow Shane. He needed to calm down first before another conversation could be had.
Shane had stalked off to their bedroom. Needing some alone time. He was pissed that Ilya this entire week had been poking him about his food. Slowly getting meaner. 'Oh, that again?' 'Your food is boring.' 'Where's your actual food?' 'Oh back to bird food I see.' It was getting to him. What the hell is wrong with his food. It wasn't like he wasn't eating good on the off season. He was still following a diet, just not his season diet.
It was like Ilya was not comprehending that training camp was next week and Shane needed to get used to the swing of harder workouts not just maintenance work outs. He's gotta get ready to meet the team and god forbid they see him and think, 'oh, that's Shane Hollander?' And think he's lost it or not putting in as much effort since he's now on what has historically been known as the worst team in MLH history? He couldn't do that.
Shane couldn't tell you how long he sat in their room just thinking about what to say to Ilya. Every time he just got mad thinking about what Ilya had been saying, or thinking of things he could say in response to what Shane would say. Back and forth, back and forth. He heard a knock on the door.
"Shane?" It was gentle.
"What." He cringed at his voice, it sounded angry still.
"Would you like to talk?"
"About my "bird food." He put the quotations with his fingers towards Ilya.
Ilya rolled his eyes and walked toward Shane. "Yes about your bird food."
"I still don't want to talk. I'm still upset about it."
"Why are you still upset, it's been 45 minutes."
"I'm still upset because you've been making fun of it all week."
"Because it's bird food."
"Act serious for a minute." He took a breath, "why have you been making fun of it."
"Because you had been eating more early."
"It was still a diet."
"Oh and this one is a diet too." His voice was flat. "It's not food."
"Yes it is." There was heat at the edge of his voice.
"Really. So if it were food why do you need snacks between meals. I don't, my food fuels me."
"Oh so you're a nutritionist now."
"No, but let's think who gave you this diet."
Shane thought for a moment. Is Ilya actually suggesting that? "Are you really suggesting. Are you just fucking crazy this week? Are you really suggesting that the Metros nutritionist purposefully put me on a diet that doesn't help me?"
"You said, not me."
"I can't fucking believe you." He threw his hands up in the air.
"Why? No one else had that diet on the Metros. You always said they made fun of you for it too."
"And who was the best player on that god forsaken team. Me! I was! Because I followed the diet for the season!"
"Shane. I do not think diet was reason for your success."
"Well I do."
"Did diet get you into MLH." Shane didn't answer. He knew the answer. "So why when you get to MLH you get put on a diet and think 'hm, this is what makes me a great player.' Hm?"
"Cause it's working."
"Is it?"
"Yes"
"Ok."
"Really. That's it. You fucking berate me about this all week and all last season and all I get is 'ok' after I finally got mad and say I think the diet makes me better and you say ok!"
"Yes. If you think it works. Ok then."
"There's something else isn't there?"
"Nothing else Hollander." He shrugged turning away slightly.
"No see there. The shrug, the using my last name. You have something you want to say about this." Shane pointed a finger.
"Maybe I do, but you believe it works so nothing I say will change your mind. I know."
"You don't know that." He shook his head.
"Oh but I do know that. It's been like that for years. You put mind to something and nothing can be said to change it."
"Oh if nothing could be said I'm pretty sure I'd still be in Montreal right now."
"Oh yes, because your teammates calling you slurs wouldn't change your mind."
"Ok, fuck you. You aren't getting this."
"Maybe I'm getting it better than you."
"It's my diet! How can you know it better?"
"Because I know you! You are getting tired all the time again. More upset, eating snacks between meals again. Look like obsessively at the scale."
"I don't look at "obsessively" at the scale." He stood up.
"You check in the mornings and at night." Shane's mouth opened and closed. Was Ilya really noticing that he checked his weight that much.
"I just- I just want to keep track of how my workouts are going."
"Mm. Sure."
"I don't know what to say to you right now. You think this diet is bad for me. You think I weigh myself too much. It's like you think I have a fucking eating disorder."
Ilya didn't respond. He just stayed where he was watching Shane. His face pinched in anger, breathing heavier than normal.
"What are you just not going to say anything now!"
"I don't know what to say. You think it's fine so fine. I do think, at training camp, you should ask our nutritionist about your diet."
"Yeah sure. They're gonna tell me the same thing, that my diet is fine."
"Sure they will." Shane rolled his eyes and headed towards the door.
"Where are you going now?"
"To the guest room. You can sleep here tonight."
"Are you seriously gonna sleep in the other room because of this?" Now it was Ilya's turn to throw his hands up.
"Yes I am." He left the room.
Ilya rubbed a hand down his face. Maybe making fun of Shane's diet was not the best way to approach him about it. Ilya had talked to Galina about this multiple times. That he provokes to start a conversation and it usually ends up bad but he keeps doing it. He knew that Shane would come back. He knew another conversation or fight was to be had.
Later that night when Ilya was trying to fall asleep he heard the door open. He didn't move so he wouldn't accidentally spook him off. He felt Shane slip into bed behind him. Ilya rolled over and put an arm over Shane and pulled him closer.
"I'm sorry" he whispered into Shane's neck.
"I know." He heard Shane breathe out.
Another conversation was had, and Shane agreed to talk to the nutritionist during training camp.
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Day one of training camp arrived and Shane had already triple checked everything.
"Moya lubov, I think you have all your gear."
"Yeah, but what if I forget something."
"You will not forget something."
"I just need to make sure one more time before we leave."
Shane moved about the house making sure that everything was there. He knew in reality that everything would be there, but what if it was gone after he checked. If Anya had gotten into their bags and hid it somewhere. He knew that was a wild thought though.
"Ok." Shane declared, "I think we are good to go."
"Ok, let's go."
Shane checked the door 3 times to make sure it was locked before they left. Thoughts running in his head about meeting the team, sure he met the team at their wedding, but this is different now. Oh and talking to the nutritionist about his diet, what did he forget.
"Is the oven off?" Shane blurted out into the car.
"Shane, we didn't even use the oven this morning."
"Well what if something turned it on."
"You know that is literally impossible." Ilya glanced at him.
"I know, I know. I'm just freaking out."
"Hollander, it's just training camp. You've been doing this for years."
"Yeah, but it's a new team and you're making me talk to the nutritionist."
"It'll be ok. Just breathe. Galina tells me when I feel scared to breathe and think about what is real."
"Oh yeah because that helps."
Ilya shrugged. "It helps me, makes me think through scenarios and see the real one rather than big scary one."
Shane crossed his arms. If he tried that his thoughts would just spiral and be would never find the scenario that would make the most sense. His brain would just keep feeding him the worst ones it could conjure up.
By the time they got to the rink Shane felt like he was going to throw up. His leg bouncing up and down keeping him grounded. He could feel Ilya's eyes on him, just watching.
"Ok. Let's go." Ilya said opening up his door giving Shane no room to argue.
Shane really wished he had gum right now. He feels like he looks stupid with the way he is picking at his hands and bitting at the cuticles. All he needs to do is make it through today. Just make it through morning weights even and maybe he'll feel settled. He walked behind Ilya the entire time, barely hearing him point out things about the practice rink. Next thing he knows they're standing outside the locker room.
Ilya turned to face him. "You ready?"
"I don't think I have a choice."
"No, not really." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Common, let's do this."
The door opened and Shane was swallowed by sound. Loud voices joking, laughing, just having a good time. As soon as they processed the door opened a chorus of 'cap!' rang through the air. He was now hyper aware of how his face looked and tried to put on a soft smile rather than his furrowed brows and slight frown.
"Cap! Don't be rude introduce us to Hollander!" Bood called out
"Oh how could I be so mean! This is Hollander, but you all know that, you literally saw me get married to him."
A chorus of booos rang out, which made Ilya flip them off. Shane was trying to figure out why the were boing. Because they were married, or was it how Ilya was talking or a third secret option.
"We met person Hollander what about hockey Hollander!" Hayes shouted out this time.
"I uh, I was called Hollzy by Montreal. But I mean you guys don't have to call me that." Shane butted in before Ilya could reply.
"We can keep Hollzy unless we come up with something else." Lucas said with his hand raised. A murmur of agreement range out.
"Ok boys! Get changed it is weights time!" Ilya clapped his hands together and when to his locker cubby. Shane's was right next to his, despite where Shane thought it should be.
Much to Shane's idea of what would happen, weights went very well. He was getting to know them more and getting to meet the trainers as well. Maybe he felt on eggshells because of how Montreal felt before he left. Maybe that's why he feels like he's losing it or not living up to his name.
By the time weights were done and it was lunch time Shane wanted to throw up again. What if they didn't have food that Shane could eat. Did he remember to bring snacks?
"Shane!" He heard Ilya call out, breaking him out of his mind. He looked over at Ilya. "Come here I got someone you need to meet."
Shane walked over to see a person around his height with a short blonde bob and a warm smile.
"Shane this is Gemma, she's our nutritionist."
She reached her hand out to shake his hand. "Hi, Rozanov said you needed to talk to me? About a diet?" Well that's one way to get the conversation going.
Shane cut his eyes at Ilya who just smiled at him.
"Uh yeah, it's the one I was given in Montreal."
"Ok! Would you like to go to my office instead of standing out here in the open?"
"That'd be great thanks." Shane gave her a small smile.
She led him up some stairs and through a hallway. He should be paying more attention this is probably the way to a lot more things than just her office.
"I promise this won't take up too much time. I just didn't think you wanted to talk about it in the open."
"Thank you, I don't love talking about it, my tea-" he cut himself off and corrected himself "my old team would make fun of it. Calling it bird and rabbit food."
"Why would they do that?"
"Well, it's like this macrobiotic diet and it's a lot of salads. So just a bunch of green foods." He shrugged.
"What were you allowed or told to eat?"
"I mean, I was able to have meat to an extent and I did have it. They just seemed to think I couldn't. All vegetables, a fair chunk of fruits-"
"I'm gonna stop you for a second, what do you mean by some fruits and meat by an extent?"
"I guess the meats were supposed to mostly be like fish or chicken but I ignored that one, and fruit wise they didn't want too much sugar so I was just limited on fruits, like I could have them, just not a lot of them. Oh and I'm allergic to kiwis."
She nodded, "Ok thanks for the clarification you can keep going."
"It was a lot of grains, and they also tried to limit dairy but the smoothie I made in the morning did have yogurt in it. Like, I follow it, but I also break it a little bit."
"And does this continue in the offseason? Or just during the season?"
"I usually add in bread during the off season, add in more fruits because it's summer. The usual stuff, but I still kind of stick to it."
"Ok. I'm going to start with I appreciate you telling me this." Shane could feel his stomach sinking. "But I don't think this diet is a good one for someone like you who is a top of the line athlete. With this diet do you have to add supplements?"
"I mean yes? But what diet doesn't have that?"
"A lot of them Mr. Hollander. I'd like to get you off of this diet. Shift to a different one if you want to keep a diet."
"Why? This has been fine for me?"
"If it's been fine then why are we here." She put her hands together on the desk.
"Because Rozanov wanted me to ask you about it. He doesn't particularly like it."
"Well then that's one diet we can agree on." Shane could tell she was trying to make a joke to lighten the mood. It wasn't helping.
"I think it's just a little too restrictive. My goal as a nutritionist is to make sure you can get what you need wherever you need and not having to bend over backwards to find a place you can eat or having to turn things down because it is not in your diet."
"I cheat sometimes, I told you that."
"And how many times would you estimate you cheat, minus the smoothie in the morning, a year." He hated the clarification, now he can't say everyday.
"Maybe like, 3 times?" She nodded.
"Ok, I can come up with a new diet, might take a few days. However, until then you have a choice." She leaned forward and put her arms up like a scale. "You can stop the diet and eat what you want or you can continue until I give you the new one."
Shane nodded.
"Anything else related that you would like to talk about."
"No thank you."
"Ok then, I will find you when I have that new one for you, ok?" He nodded in response. "Alright, go be free, eat lunch, go do sports." She smiled at him again and Shane tried to smile back hoping it didn't look forced.
The rest of the day passed in a bit of a blur. The only time where nothing was pressing on his mind was when they were running drills on the ice. He was so focused on not fucking up the drills he wasn't sure if anything else could be in his mind. He made some conversation in the locker room when the day was done and they were all in the locker room.
In the car on the way home he was silent. Trying to think of a way to tell Ilya he was right about the diet and try not to accuse him of telling Gemma that he didn't want him on this diet and to lie and get him off of it. He knew that was literally insane but he couldn't help it from popping into his head. He glanced over at Ilya in the passenger seat who had managed to fall asleep in the 20 minute drive back to their house.
"Hey, wake up." He poked at his arm.
"Lemme sleep." Ilya pouted.
"We're home dude." That got him up.
"Don't call me dude. We are married."
"Then get up. Let's get some food in us." Shane got out of the car and went inside the house, Ilya a few steps behind him.
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He stared at the ingredients in front of him. Gemma's words rang in his head. You have a choice. He could make his portion the exact same way as Ilya's or he could get rid of mostly everything that made it not apart of his diet.
"Shane. You are staring holes into bottle. Are you ok?"
"Hm? Oh yeah. I'm ok. Just thinking."
"About?"
"What Gemma said." He could feel Ilya's eyes on him.
"What did she say."
"That should change my diet." He was bracing himself for a 'I told you so' but it didn't come.
"Oh. Really?"
Shane turned. "You say that as if you were for my diet. You were famously against it."
"No, no, I know. I just wasn't expecting that."
"Neither was I." He turned back to the food.
"Did she give you diet?"
"Not yet. Said I could keep going until then or just forget about it." Ilya moved closer.
"And which one are you thinking?"
"I don't know."
"That's ok. You can keep going until you get new one." Shane looked at Ilya again.
"Really?"
"Yes really. No reason to jump into the deep end when you are still in the shallow."
"Why are you so poetic sometimes."
"Your father makes me read New Yorker with him." Ilya smiled and wrapped his arms around Shane. He let out a little laughed when Ilya mentioned the New Yorker, fully knowing that he does not read the New Yorker.
"Oh I'm sure he does."
"I'm being serious though. Take your time with this." He gave Shane’s cheek a kiss and walked off towards the living room.
Maybe they were right. Maybe he should change diets. But he just can't pull the trigger yet. He doesn't even know what the new diet is, how can he agree to changed when he doesn't even know what it is yet. He'll stick with it until he's told otherwise.