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Adjusting to life with a toddler has been difficult, but Buck wouldn't trade it for the world.
It has been a busy week, with Buck having to figure out a new schedule, while also trying not to mess Theo's up. The caseworker—and the internet—told him that it was important to keep a routine with foster kids.
At least his saved-up PTO has earned him a few weeks off, on top of his paternity leave, which is a term Buck doesn't like using.
He doesn't feel like a parent. He knows he isn't one.
He's taking care of Theo, will even go as far as saying he loves the boy, but he can't see himself as a parent.
Connor was Theo's dad. Buck has to remind himself of that, even if his heart swells when Theo tries to negotiate bedtime with him, or if someone on the street says his son looks just like him.
Tonight, however, Theo's energy is different. It started when the first thunderclap hit. Buck felt the boy tense up beside him, but neither had said anything.
Bedtime comes around quickly—perks of Theo being so young—but when Buck goes to stand up and exit the bedroom after finishing his story, a tiny hand on his arm stops him. "Buck?" Theo whispers.
Buck can see the nervous expression on the boy's face, so he sits down on the bed again, smoothing a hand over Theo's hair. "Yeah, buddy?"
"I'm scared."
Buck's heart sinks, with how busy he was being, trying not to react to the weather himself, he hadn't even stopped to consider if Theo is scared of thunder. He remembers Eddie telling him about Chris at age 5, crawling into bed with him when Texas was hit with a particularly heavy rain- or thunderstorm.
Logically, he knows kids get scared of thunder and lighting, with it being bigger than their little minds can usually imagine. Still, he didn't know Theo got so scared too. He briefly wonders if Connor and Kameron had some sort of routine, something to make him less scared.
The storm rages on outside, and he can see Theo shrink in on himself.
"Of the weather?" Buck asks carefully, trying to soothe Theo with his strokes.
Theo hums in response and nods, looking like he's embarrassed to admit that he's scared.
"Do you wanna know a secret?" Buck whispers, leaning in close to Theo's ear.
Despite the earlier fear, the boy nods in excitement. "Yeah."
Buck holds back a snicker, leaning in even closer. "I get a little scared too, sometimes," he whispers, squeezing Theo's shoulder.
Theo's eyes widen comically, like he's forgotten all about his fright, "Really?"
"Yup," Buck replies, popping his lips on the p.
Then, a particularly harsh thunderclap hits, seemingly close-by. Buck almost flinches, but he catches Theo retreating back into himself again. He nudges the boy gently. "Do you wanna know what helps me?" he asks, which earns him a careful, but curious nod.
"Ice cream."
The speed with which Theo sits up in his bed makes Buck chuckle. "Well, I'm really scared, does that mean I need lots of it?" Theo whisper-shouts, feet kicking under the blankets.
"Oh, absolutely," Buck replies, extending his arms and lifting Theo by the armpits, hoisting him up into the air, before putting him on his hip. The warmth of the tiny body against his chest is instantly calming, so he holds the boy even closer. The promise of ice cream must not have causes all the fear to disappear, because he can feel Theo hold tightly onto his neck with his small arms.
Despite the nagging feeling in his gut that tells Buck he's still not this kid's dad, he closes his eyes, presses a kiss to Theo's hair, and pretends for just a second.
He positions Theo on the couch, tells him to put on a movie—the kid is better with technology than most people Buck knows, much to Eddie's dismay—and heads to the kitchen. Part of him worries that he shouldn't leave Theo alone right now, but he looks content enough for now, even if he glances outside at every sound.
In the kitchen, Buck allows himself to take a breath and collect himself. He hasn't had a full blown panic attack at the sound of a thunderstorm in years, but the sounds and lights still make him feel uneasy.
It feels like parts of his coma dream came true, though.
Eddie went to Texas.
Sure, he came back, but that was initially only for Bobby's funeral. Who's to say how long he would've stayed away otherwise. Would he ever have come back?
And then there was Bobby. Buck had been unable to save him.
Just like in the dream.
But, had he even truly tried? He could've tried harder to open the door. He should'v—
A loud crash from outside snaps him out of his train of thought, followed by a worried Buuuck? coming from the living room. "Coming, Theo! Nothing to worry about!"
Buck shakes his head to fully get out of it, before grabbing the ice cream, along with two spoons. He makes a quick pit-stop at the linen closet to get them a couple of blankets, and finally heads to the living room. Theo stares up at him with glassy eyes, the Cars movie already paused at the beginning for them to watch.
When Buck goes to sit down in the corner, Theo shakes his head vigorously, "Here, please," he says, gently patting the space next to him in the middle of the couch. Buck smiles, making a show of dropping down on the couch with a sigh. Theo giggles. "You're silly, Buck."
Before Buck even realizes Theo is moving, the boy is climbing and dropping himself in Buck's lap. He leans back against Buck's chest, wiggling until he's content with the way he's sitting.
Buck, who's still holding the ice cream with extended hands, laughs. "Comfortable?"
He sets the ice cream down and reaches to the side to drape the blankets he grabbed over them both. Choosing to make himself comfortable too, he kicks his legs up on the coffee table.
Before Buck grabs the ice cream again, he presses play and allows the sounds of cars speeding over a racetrack to fill the room. He positions the container on Theo's lap and hands him a spoon.
He's sure the people on the parenting blogs he reads wouldn't agree with his method of calming Theo down—sleeping too late, having sugar, and exposing him to a 'high-stimulation' movie—but he can already feel Theo's body relaxing against his chest.
Almost halfway through the movie, when Buck is certain Theo is asleep already—and the ice cream is fully melted—the boy suddenly moves in his lap, tilting his head up and looking at Buck through his lashes. "Buck?"
"Yeah, Theo?"
Theo bites his lip for a moment, seemingly in contemplation. "Why do you get scared?" Theo asks, voice pitched even higher than usual and the pronunciation of the final world being beautifully toddler-like.
Well.
How does one explain to a toddler that he was struck by lightning without making him even more scared than he already is?
Buck coughs, trying to buy himself more time as Theo looks up at him. "Because there is nothing wrong with being a little scared sometimes, okay?" Buck starts, "As long as you don't let it take over, you don't have to feel ashamed for being scared. Ever."
Buck is well aware that he is dodging Theo's question, but then again, the kid is young enough not to notice. He simply snuggles up tighter against Buck, placing his head back down on Buck's chest.
"Okay." Theo mumbles. Buck almost thinks that's the last of it, that Theo's going to sleep now, but then Theo speaks again, his voice muffled against Buck's shirt, "Does Eddie ever get scared?"
Buck has to fight back a smile at that. He's pretty sure Theo's become more attached to Eddie than he is. And that's saying something, even Buck is aware of that. "Yes, baby. Eddie gets scared too sometimes."
Theo finally seems to accept it then, and it's not long before his breathing seem to slow. Buck presses a soft kiss to his curls before resting his chin on top of Theo's head.
For the first time tonight, Buck relaxes too. He doesn't bother moving them, willing to risk a sore back the next morning.
The storm goes on outside, but he can barely hear it. The only thing missing is someone on the couch next to him.