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They celebrated Niran’s release from the hospital with drinks and good food. The kitchen counters and the dining table and the coffee table in the living room and even some of the windowsills had bottles and bowls and wrappers. The house was full of noise, of life, after so many years of silence.
Jack, Tua, and Tao had convinced Jia Hao to challenge them to a drinking game where he had to outdrink each of them in turn. The boys had long ago succumbed and made a dog pile of sleeping bodies on the couch. Jia Hao had managed to wobble his way to the end of the furniture, but he had then collapsed into his own slumber on the foot of the couch, his head and arms draped across near the boys’ feet.
Ploy and Yok had made fast friends, and they had disappeared into Ploy’s room hours ago. Their distant chatter and laughter had long since faded. Tong had learned his lesson not to overdrink, but the little he had still caused him to nap on the table, his elbow nearly in a to-go container of rice. Fei had rolled her eyes at him and gone for a walk, but not before giving Pete a knowing look.
“Thank you,” she’d said. It felt like she was thanking him for more than rescuing Niran’s soul, but the sounds of the party had still been loud at the time, and she’d slipped away before he could ask her anything.
In the middle of all the sleeping bodies, Pete stepped around, picking up trash and moving plates so no one made more of a mess. He’d never felt so responsible, so much like the big brother he was meant to be. He dropped items in the trashcan, moved some into the fridge. Then he surveyed the room and nodded.
Suppressing a yawn, Pete checked his watch and saw it was after two in the morning. Niran had left to use the restroom thirty minutes prior. He’d probably fallen asleep up in the room. Pete made his way through the downstairs, shutting off lights as he went, and then quietly climbed the stairs. He felt full and fulfilled as he left all the sleeping forms of his friends. His house felt like a home for the first time in years.
When he stepped into the bedroom, he found the lights off, but the window was open and the streetlight shone into the room. Niran stood at the window, staring out at the street.
“Oh, I thought you’d be asleep,” Pete said, closing the door behind him. “Everyone else is. Well, Fei went for a walk. I don’t know if she’s coming back tonight or went back to her place.”
Niran hummed to show he understood, but otherwise he kept staring out. Pete stepped over to his bed and yawned, but he didn’t sit down. Maybe he should go back downstairs and keep cleaning.
“You’re tired,” Niran said. “Why don’t you sleep too?”
“Me? Nah. I’m not- I'll sleep later.” Pete moved his pillow, fluffed it up, then went to the mirror. Their dolls were still hanging there, and he touched them gently. In the mirror, he saw Niran turn from the window.
“Go to sleep, Pete,” he ordered gently. “Everyone else is asleep. You don’t need to stay up anymore.”
Fingers grazing the doll that represented Niran, Pete smiled sadly and shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?” Niran leaned back against the sill.
Pete shut his eyes and took a deep breath. “When I went into the Life Spirit Realm, I saw... my parents. My sister. The life I always wanted... I left them to find you. I knew they weren’t real, but...”
“The void tries to make you happy. I understand,” Niran said consolingly.
But Pete shook his head again. He opened his eyes and looked at Niran through the mirror. “Hearing everyone have a good time in my house is like a dream come true for me. But – what if I wake up and it really was all a dream? What if I wake up and you’re gone again? What if I failed and this is all just the void?”
In the mirror, Niran let out a heavy breath and pushed away from the window. His eyes looked exactly how Pete felt – like he understood how afraid Pete was even after such a happy success. All the what ifs kept swirling in Pete’s head. He was too scared to let go and rest.
“Pete. Look at me,” Niran ordered, soft but firm.
Obediently, Pete turned and faced him. He looked the same as he did in the mirror, only it felt more real. Like maybe it would be okay to rest, and Niran would still be there in the morning. But the air seemed filled with all the words Pete said in the void, all the things they hadn’t said too, and he wasn’t sure how to relax under the weight of it all.
“In the void, you told me I could rest,” Niran reminded. “You brought me back. You can rest too.”
Pete sighed. “Aow, I wish I could. But I finally got a family again. You understand? Niran, I wish I could make sure everyone was happy forever. I wish-” He took a deep breath and nodded. “I wish I could make sure you were happy.”
In the void, Niran had shown his insecurities, his fears. Unwillingly. Pete had gotten to hear and see things that made Niran doubt himself. And on the train, Niran had likened a blank white landscape to how he experienced life. He thought he didn’t matter. Pete didn’t know how to make that better. He wanted to be enough to make Niran’s doubt fade away, but he didn’t know if he could make a difference.
Niran stepped over to him and put a hand on Pete’s shoulder. The jade ring on his hand caught the light just enough that it drew Pete’s attention for a moment. Then his eyes returned to Niran’s as the other let out a slow breath.
“You said... you didn’t know the last place where I was happy. Remember?” he asked. Pete swallowed and nodded. Niran nodded too. “It was here.”
“I-In my house?” Pete asked, hope surging up. His house made Niran happy? Or... it was technically Niran’s house, wasn’t it? So hearing everyone have a good time made Niran happy too? Knowing he had people who cared about him and wanted him around and –
Niran shrugged and tilted his head in a “kind of” manner. Then he tapped Pete on the chest with his free hand. “I meant here.” He pressed his lips together then dropped them open in awe. “Wherever you are, that makes me happy. In this house. In the car. Out for food. Sitting by the river.”
“I make you happy?” Pete asked, a little stunned. His chest felt suddenly full to bursting and he swallowed to hold it in. It was like crying over Niran all over again, only he hadn’t lost anything. It felt like he was gaining something.
Niran nodded. He ducked his head, let out a breath like he couldn’t believe what he was doing. “When you- When I thought the Qi Rong ritual made me lose you, I didn’t know what to do. Even when you came back, I thought there was no way you meant it. Not after I hurt you.”
“Hey, hey, hey.” Now it was Pete’s turn to do some consoling. He cupped his hands on the sides of Niran’s face. “I told you. You won’t lose me. I’ll always be here. Even if you break my heart. You matter too much to me.”
A soft chuckle escaped Niran’s lips, and the gaze he settled on Pete could only be described as fond. “You keep saying stuff like that.”
“I mean it,” Pete assured.
“You gave me your mother’s ring,” Niran continued, holding up his hand.
Pete swallowed thickly. It had seemed like an obvious thing to do. All the way up until he watched Niran slip it on his ring finger like a wedding band. Now it felt like so much more, and yet Pete was afraid to touch the subject. Still, he nodded.
Niran raised his hand up to rest against Pete’s, the coolness of the jade obvious against the heat of Pete’s hand. “You know, the last time you held my face like this, I thought...”
The last time Pete had held Niran’s face like this, Pete had been sobbing and begging him not to go. He’d confessed to thinking of Niran as someone incredibly special to him. He’d felt like he was losing Niran forever. He’d wanted to –
Was he going to let Niran continue on doubting the truth of Pete’s affection? How could he claim to want to make Niran happy if he kept his own feelings a secret? Niran deserved to know he was loved, and not just for his gifts and his skills, but for who he was as a person. He needed to know that Pete’s promises weren’t empty words. They were true. From his heart. From his soul.
Pete leaned in and pressed their lips together. Just a quick peck. Then he pulled back, feeling the blush from his chest all the way to his face.
“Listen,” he said, voice low. “I just want you to know that I wasn’t lying, okay? You do matter to a lot of people. You- You matter a lot to me. Okay? But it’s fine if you don’t-”
His words were cut off when Niran leaned forward and kissed Pete too. His fingers caressed the back of Pete’s hand, where it still held loosely to Niran. He pulled back enough to gauge Pete’s expression, to hear the stunned breath Pete let out, the hopeful little laugh that followed. Then Niran smiled and leaned in again.
Niran kissed him like he’d been wanting to do it for a long time but had been holding himself back. Like if he didn’t kiss Pete now, he might never get another chance. He kissed Pete the way Pete tried to kiss Niran. Because they had almost lost each other, and that pain was fresh. The euphoria of realizing their feelings were mutual filled them with a sense of desperation.
Suddenly overwhelmed, Pete broke the kisses and clung to Niran, his fingers clenching tightly in Niran’s clothes, his arms tight around Niran’s body. He breathed heavy and stilted against Niran’s shoulder, and he swore he felt Niran’s breathing doing the same down his back.
“Fuck,” Pete huffed, hating how he wanted to cry in his joy too. “You can’t do that to me again, okay? I can’t lose you. You- You make me happy too. Understand?”
Niran hummed and held him tighter. “I understand. We’ll stay together from now on.”
That night, they lay together in Pete’s bed, just soaking in each other’s presence and solidifying that they were both there. Present. Pete buried his face in Niran’s chest and was infinitely happy that they had come into each other’s lives. Pete’s house was a home again, and he would make damn sure it was always a place that could make Niran happy.