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“Please state your name, age, and identity for the recording.”
BW: I’m Bruce Wayne, also known as Brucie Wayne or The Batman. And, uh, I am fourty-two, and I started when I was twenty.
“And how many kids do you have?”
BW: …uhhh.. in which way.?
BG: Barbara Gordon, Twenty-Six, and currently Oracle. Which means I run this fucking city. No, Bruce is not my dad. Unlike the others, my dad is alive.
DG: I’m-a, I’m Richard “Dick” Grayson. I— was the one who invented, y’know Robin. I’ve been doing this gig for… if I’m twenty-four now.. about sixteen years. Currently, I work in Bludhaven as Nightwing or better known as the ‘Only Good Thing to Come Out of Gotham’, but I come back to the city from time to time. Can take the boy wonder out of the city but not the city out of boy wonder, Y’know?
TD: He’s not even from Gotham! He came here, on a tour, with the circus when his parents died. I think he was born in, like, Connecticut or something. And he’s always here! No wonder so much crime happens in Bludhaven. I’ll blink and the place will have blown up.
CC: …
“Uhm, your name please?”
CC: …Cassandra.
BW: Cass doesn’t like talking to new people. As of now she’s Orphan, but sometimes she switches between Black Bat or Batgirl.
JT: Jason Todd, as it says on my death certificate. Along with bein’ fifteen, but, uh, I’m twenty-two now. You probably know me more as the Red Hood: protector of park row— crime alley and all that shit.
“The Red Hood..?”
JT: Yes..? Red helmet, leather jacket, fuckin’— guns? Formally a major fuckin’ crime lord!? I’ve been doin’ this gig for five years! Fuckin’! …I was the second Robin. The one that died!?
SB: See, he gets so stuck up in that. Like, hey, I died too, but you don’t see me bringing it up every damn sentence.
BW: Stephanie actually didn’t die. Uh, it was faked. I’d prefer not to talk about it.
TD: I’d prefer we do talk about it actually.
SB: Stephanie Brown, but everyone calls me Steph. Except Bruce cause he’s a fuckin’ weirdo. I’m kinda like his daughter-in-law, but not. I’m twenty-one, so no more illegally drinking alcohol, which takes all the fun out of it. I go by Spoiler now, and, uh, I used to be Batgirl and— not many people know this— but I was Robin for like a week before I, pew, y’know? But, like, I was only gone for a week.
TD: Timothy Drake, but I go by Tim. I am twenty and go by Red Robin. No, I did not name myself after the restaurant. I was the third Robin, you know, Robin. Yeah, take everything you know about him. Uh huh, that was all me. I made Robin what he’s known as.
JT: He’s a fuckin’ replacement is what he is.
TD: He said that? Yeah, I’m used to it. Still means I’m better, but some people just can’t accept that. At this point, just call me a slur. Seriously, it’s all ‘replacement this’, ‘stalker that’, honestly I’m just offended because it’s boring.
DG: I think Jason can get more creative with the insults. Replacement is done and old.
DT: I’m Duke Thomas. I’m nineteen, and I go by The Signal. I’m the newest and the only one working the day shift, uh, oh! And I’m the only black one. Pretty sure I was the diversity hire but no one wants to admit it.
BW: No, Duke was not hired because he’s black. He enjoys pulling that card often.
DW: I am Damian Al Ghul, more commonly known as Damian Wayne. I am the only rightful hire to The Batman, for I have claimed the title of Robin. I am sixteen years of age.
DG: See, we’ve tried to explain to Damian that there’s no, uh, social hierarchy here. Not like there was when he was living with the league of assassins, but he seems to still struggle with the concept.
SB: He needs to cut the formalities. Just last week I heard him call Tim a raging cunt.
BW: He called Tim what?
JT: HA! I knew that little shit had it in him!
BG: I have the recording of that, if you want it.
CC: Hate each other.
TD: Yeah, me— Damian and I have had our differences. I think it was because I was still Robin when he came around and he was jealous, but we’ve gotten over that.
“Did he not try to kill you multiple times?”
TD: Well, yeah— but so has almost everyone else. Plus, he was like five so who gives a fuck.
DT: I’m glad I joined once they resolved their issues. If I had to deal with that I probably would’ve— I don’t know, blinded both of them.
DW: Drake said I was how old? That imbecile—-
[CUT]
“How do you feel about the rumors that you’re perpetually seventeen?”
TD: …so you know Young Justice, right?
BG: No, those aren’t rumors. He didn’t age. For three years.
SB: See, the thing about Tim is that while most people go seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, and then twenty, he skipped from seventeen straight to twenty.
TD: — and we’ve visited so many planets, killed Santa, saved so many planets—
DG: Originally, I had thought “hey, Tim must have really good genes” but then two years had passed, and he still just— looked the same. Like, he didn’t grow, and his skin stayed smooth— not even my skin could stay that smooth!
TD: — and then, Kon said something stupid, to which the sorcerer got, like super mad at—
JT: One day, Timbit just woke up twenty. Like, he didn’t get taller or anythin’ but you could tell he aged. Had to play it to the public like the makeup he wore got discontinued.
CC: It was very funny.
DT: I wasn’t here for most of that, so I can’t really give any insight.
BW: It was then that Tim thought to inform us about the many adventures of Young Justice.
DW: I, of course, was not surprised by what Drake and his idiot friends got up to. It was only time for the consequences to catch up to him.
SB: How does someone kill the Santa Claus!?
JT: I never believed in Santa.
TD: — and so here we are. I’m pretty sure I age normally now, but it might be an every three year kinda thing? I’m still doing research.
BG: He’s fine. He’ll age normally now. How do I know? Uh, don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.
[CUT]
“How do you all make sure the public never suspects you to be a vigilante?”
BG: I’m crippled. No one expects a woman to have control over every camera and screen in Gotham, let alone someone in a wheelchair.
DG: My day job is a cop. Duke hates me for it, but it works! No one expects the law to be a vigilante.
DT: ACAB! You can quote me on that.
JT: I mean, c’mon. I’m literally dead. That’s the perfect cover.
SB: Uhm, you know, I don’t really think about it. Because I’m not a Wayne, I’m not constantly under media scrutiny so it’s easier for me to just be a normal person. Like, there will be times where I need to be more careful, but really I just make sure I’m not caught without my mask on.
TD: Cass and I, we have this thing where every once in a while we’ll go out as each other— like I’m Orphan and she’s RR, so that way people can’t use the argument that they’ve never been in a room together. It’s actually really fun. Sometimes we’ll see how long we can pretend to be each other before the others notice. So far the record to beat is thirty-one hours.
CC: I enjoy tricking my family. It is very easy.
TD: Also if I get an injury big enough to be noticeable, I pretend I was shot. Remember when I lost my spleen?
JT: He’s gotta stop bringin’ that up.
TD: The only thing Jason can pull is the dead card, he is such a fucking hypocrite!
DT: Once my friend accused me of being Signal and I said “it’s because I’m black isn’t it?” I find that really plays into a person white guilt. You’d be surprised with how little people assume you're a black vigilante who wears a mask that covers the majority of the face.
DW: When I am out fighting, the shadows hide my face. If I were to ever be caught in my gear without my face covered, I would simply kill the person who saw me. I may appear too young to fight, but I will not hesitate to draw blood.
DG: People assume Damian’s autistic. We haven’t had him tested yet, and I won’t ever tell him this, but they’re probably right.
TD: He is. Well— I am, and so is Bruce. I haven’t been around Talia much, but she might be? And since it’s genetic, I’m betting on him having it.
BW: I use the cover of Brucie Wayne—
SB: He literally becomes— and I’m not using this word to insult people in the sex industry, this is purely to insult Bruce Wayne and Bruce Wayne alone— a whore. Again, that is only for Bruce Wayne—
BG: I think he took pole dancing classes.
BW: — I make sure to act like a dunce in the public eye, a little of a flirt, and I never, I mean never, deny the Batman allegations. The results speak for themselves. Tim only found out I was Batman because of Dick, not me.
DG: I don’t understand how it works. He goes out, what, once a week and says to the public as loud as he can “I’m Batman” and no one believes him!? Not one person!? If I were to do that in Bludhaven, everyone would believe me!
JT: It’s because he plays likes he’s a fuckin’— alcoholic. Brucie can’t hold his liquor for shit.
DT: Honestly, when I first found out Bruce was Batman, I thought “damn, rich people really are spending their money on anything”. Then I started training.
CC: It is a stupid plan, which is why it works.
TD: I would do what Bruce is doing, but people would actually take me seriously.
DW: Every new recording of fathers public persona makes me want to gut him and then myself.
[CUT]
“Why do you hate Talia Al Ghul so much?”
DG: See, the thing no one tells you about— her is that she’s not good enough for Bruce. Everyone thinks it’s the other way around, but that’s because she’s brain washed them. I’m on to her and she doesn’t like it.
DW: Mother and Richard have constant.. disagreements every time she visits.
TD: Dick would still have ‘disagreements’ with her if she was dead.
“Is there a reason for Dick to dislike her as much as he does?”
TD: Uhm, all I know is that something happened during their first meeting. Jason and Babs would know more, Bruce.. it’s hard to say.
JT: Yeah I don’t— I don’t fuckin’ know. They fought, obviously but I didn’t meet her until I was Robin for a while, and Dick had warned me about her but she gave me a fuckin’ knife! Dicks gotta be on somethin’ cause she’s awsome.
BW: Dick and Talia? Uhm…
SB: Sometimes when it gets boring, I invite Talia over just so she and Dick can fight. I mean— it’s done wonders for my relationship with her.
DT: I’ve met Talia a few time— I steer clear of her. She’s fuckin’ terrifying! Just look at her! She wears green, kills people constantly, and nothing gets on her clothes!? I call bull, but I’m not looking to have my blood spilt to test the theory.
CC: She reminds me of my mother.
“Is that.. a good thing?”
CC: …
BW: I.. god, when did they first meet? I believe Dick was ten? Maybe nine?
DG: — and we, uh, we had a good night. And then we came home and went to bed.
“And your fight with Talia?”
DG: .. I don’t want to talk about that.
BG: I don’t live with the bats, so after getting dinner I went to my home. Then, the next day on patrol, I heard about the fight but Dick didn’t want to go into detail so I checked the cameras. Everything was wiped, even the backups and hidden ones. I know it was Talia because Dick doesn’t know about half of them, but I don’t know how she did it.
DW: I wish mother would visit more. If only Richard could get over this petty squabbling.
BW: I don’t remember a fight. I’m not sure why he doesn’t like her.
DG: She’s an assassin! That should be a good enough reason!
“Damian is an assassin.”
DG: That’s different!
SB: No it’s not.
[CUT]
“If you could sidekick/partner any other superhero or vigilante, who would you pick?”
BG: Three, two, one— Green Arrow.
DG: Green Arrow.
CC: Green Arrow.
JT: Green Arrow.
SB: Green Arrow.
TD: Green Arrow.
DT: Green Arrow.
DW: Green Arrow.
BW: They all said puke arrow, right? They always do this! I hate him and they all know it so they do this all the damn time—
TD: I have a contingency plan where if Batman is suspected to be a clone or brainwashed or something, we bring up Oliver and Green Arrow, and if he doesn't immediately start brooding and punching harder on patrol, then that’s not Bruce.
DG: I bring up Green Arrow any time Bruce pisses me off.
“And how often is that?”
DG: Yes.
JT: No I’d— I’d pick Wonder Woman. I only say Arrow because the bats’ hate it. But Wonder Woman? All time favorite, I love her. I would leave Gotham if she could train me but I don’t have tits, so.
CC: Black Canary.
DT: I haven’t thought about this.. uhm, maybe Zatanna? She spends a lot of time here in Gotham, so sometimes we’ll talk when I’m on patrol. She’s nice, and like, the only Justice League member I know.
DW: My mother. And if not my mother than Catwoman. I believe my talents will be accepted as her partner.
TD: Oh, Huntress definitely. She’s, like, literally my sister. God, I haven’t seen her in a while. I should probably visit, yeah?
SB: Uh, Supergirl. We’ve worked together before and we do good. Plus, we talk at least once a week. I’ll sneak her into Gotham for a girls day, Bruce has no idea.
DG: Seriously, I’d do Superman. Boring answer, I know, but he was my childhood superhero. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Bruce was the one who took me in because Clark can’t parent for the life of him, but I still liked him more than Batman.
BG: Well, I have the Gotham City Sirens, so I’d probably stick with them. I don’t know why Ivy isn’t classified as a vigilante yet. She does great things for Gotham's nature! Thought she might take that as an insult..
“She kills people?”
BG: So? Everyone has.
BW: I don’t need a sidekick. Batman works alone.
SB: Bullshit!
DG: Bruce hasn’t worked alone for twenty years.
TD: He founded the Justice League! That is not the work of a man who does things alone!
DT: Yo, he said the thing!
DG: Yeah, he just says that to save face.
CC: Lying, don’t believe that.
JT: Have you seen how many people fight crime in Gotham? It’s at least twenty.
SB: — Harper, The Foxes, Kate—
DW: Father has allowed a zoo in his house. He is a fraud anytime he says that.
BG: His ego and reputation is already dead and buried, I honestly don’t know why he keeps this up.
BW: Really? Huh, I didn’t realize we had that many working in Gotham.
[CUT]
“We heard there was a, uh, incident on patrol last night. Would you care to elaborate on that?”
DT: … I have nothing to say to this.
TD: See, most people think that Calendar Man is just some, low level, funny rogue right? I don’t think people realize just how much power he holds.
JT: There were so many fuckin’ paper cuts.
DW: Drake was easily distracted in the fight.
SB: So, it was me and Tim there originally, right? Uh, we get there and we do our thing for a while, and Calendar Man sends out his— calendars. Tim gets hit in the face with one, I don’t know how, and he reads it I guess? Because suddenly he’s shouting something about beetles.
TD: I got hit with a date that said Paul McCartney will die in two years!? The Paul McCartney, from the Beatles! So of course I freak out— you would too!
CC: Tim is.. a fan of the Beatles.
JT: I somehow got a cut under my mask.
DG: Steph and Tim call for backup— which I think was stupid because it’s Calendar Man, and Cass, Jason, and I get there… I’m still so confused.
TD: He has every major event on a calendar! All up until the world fucking explodes! Do people not know how much power he holds!?
BW: Damian, Duke, and I were not apart of the fight. Duke was sleeping while Damian and I were spying on a lead for an investigation. We were lucky that the suspect was a building away and we were watching on a roof, because we.. heard it all over the coms.
DT: If I had to pick a side, I would go with Tim. He parked himself right in front of the bat computer for the next two days just making contingency plans. I helped with some of them.
BG: I never trusted Calendar Man. Good to know the young ones aren’t either. He’s not as powerless as most think.
DG: Tim’s never gotten distracted during a fight, how did this get to him?
TD: He could’ve warned people about nine-eleven!
DW: Drake is too— hyper focused on this.
SB: I always thought the calendars were for show.
CC: He has been arrested. I was the only one to come out unscathed.
TD: He could’ve warned us about Trump!