Work Text:
Do you want to write a song for the dead Starks? Go ahead, write one – Tywin Lannister
* * *
IWant2BeTHEQueen: What happened?
WidowMakr:I had this really cool idea 4 our wedding!
IWant2BeTHEQueen: k
WidowMakr: I told them I wanted them 2 get Robb Stark’s head so I could serve it 2 Sansa @ the banquet
IWant2BeTHEQueen: um, at our wedding?
WidowMakr:: Yh. it would be so funny!
IWant2BeTHEQueen: …
WidowMakr: u don’t like it? u 2???
IWant2BeTHEQueen: it’s just that, well, ur Grace, we’re getting married in like a month. The head would be rotten.
WidowMakr: yeah?
IWant2BeTHEQueen: rotting head, maggots, banquet, food, guests vomiting
WidowMakr: oh
IWant2BeTHEQueen: it’s great that u think outside of the box, ur Grace, but maybe
WidowMakr: oooooh a box. We could send Sansa the head in a box!
IWant2BeTHEQueen: wow, look at the time. Grandma wants me. Can we talk about this later?
WidowMakr: sure thing, my lady
IWant2BeTHEQueen: mwah! mwah!
(IWant2BeTHEQueen has signed off)
* * *
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Fwd: Your online presence (was: Fwd: Foul incest)
Daughter,
Thanks to Grand Maester Pycelle, the domain of lannisterskeepitinthefamily.com, has been taken down. He assures me that your account was no doubt “hacked” and that the content was forged, most likely by Stannis.
In light of these malicious accusations, I have decided that it would be best if you forego using any of these newfangled communications for the foreseeable future. When and if I deem you competent, we can revisit the subject.
Please acknowledge receipt of this missive.
Father,
Lord Tywin Lannister
Hand of the King
Lord Paramount of the West
Warden of the West
Lord of Casterly Rock
* * *
DaddyzGurl: Oh, we’re corresponding now, R we?
QueenOfThorns: I asked you a question.
DaddyzGurl: Is this about the entertainment 4 the wedding? Fine, I’ll hit my father up 4 the money.
QueenOfThorns: No, you will not.
DaddyzGurl: then u want 2 pay 4 it? I’m confused.
QueenOfThorns: On that, we agree. You are clearly incapable of using--
DaddyzGurl: Hey. I think u forget 2 whom u r speaking. I am QUEEN REGENT and I will not be made a fool of, Lady Olenna!
QueenOfThorns: …
(QueenOfThorns has signed off)
* * *
From: Lady Margaery Tyrell ([email protected])
Subject: Getting to know you!
Hi Prince Tommen!
Since I’m about to be a member of your family, I thought it might be fun if we got to know each other better.
What are some of your favorite hobbies? What do you want to be when you grow up? Do you like puppies? What are your favorite foods?
I was thinking we might surprise your brother and your mother with how close we’ve become so why don’t we keep this to ourselves? Write back soon!
Fondly,
Lady Margaery Tyrell
* * *
MemeticBadass: You had better not be referring to me, Lord Frey.
NeedsNoViagra: Oops, wrong window, sorry about that. Come 2 think of it, I’m not sure what her hair color is these days. But since I have u, ? for u
MemeticBadass: Yes?
NeedsNoViagra: Ur grandson wants me 2 send him the Young Wolf’s head. Does he mean the wolf head or Stark’s actual head? Cuz the wolf head is sewn on the body pretty tight.
MemeticBadass: …
NeedsNoViagra: He said it’s 4 his wedding feast
MemeticBadass: …
NeedsNoViagra: I don’t have all day, Lannister.
MemeticBadass: Do not, I repeat, do not send any body parts of Stark or any other individual to my grandson.
NeedsNoViagra: r u sure? I think we have the Stark boy’s head on a spike somewhere. It’s no trouble 2 pack it up.
MemeticBadass: Thank you, no. Leave it on the spike.
NeedsNoViagra: Perhaps I should write the King directly.
MemeticBadass: No, don’t bother the King.
NeedsNoViagra: U never got back 2 me about another Lannister 4 one of my daughters.
MemeticBadass: … Very well, my first cousin once removed in need of a wife. It will be arranged.
NeedsNoViagra: Gr8t. No body parts it is then
(MemeticBadass has left the conversation)
* * *
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Insomnia
Grand Maester,
Thank you for your assistance the other night with the King. His Grace unfortunately suffers from chronic sleeplessness. I think perhaps more regular use of essence of nightshade is called for. You may begin administering it to His Grace every night. As “winter, as the late Starks were wont to say, “is coming,” “night” should begin several hours before sundown or perhaps just after the mid-morning meal.
As always your discretion is appreciated. There is no need to bother my daughter or my grandson about this.
Regards,
Lord Tywin Lannister
Hand of the King
Lord Paramount of the West
Warden of the West
Lord of Casterly Rock
* * *
YouWouldntKnowHim: finally banging the wife, eh?
DeadPanSnarker: I’m writing a song
YouWouldntKnowHim: why?
DeadPanSnarker: It’s my father’s fault
YouWouldntKnowHim: wtf? your father wants u to write a song?
DeadPanSnarker: no, no. He put the idea in my head
YouWouldntKnowHim: Really? He doesn’t seem like he’s that musical.
DeadPanSnarker: He’s not, Bronn.
YouWouldntKnowHim: Although, "the Rains of Castamere" is a classic.
DeadPanSnarker: u r missing the point. He made a crack about me writing a song about the Starks
YouWouldntKnowHim: Ah! & now u can’t stop thinking about it
DeadPanSnarker: Yep
YouWouldntKnowHim: Well, that’ll go over real well w/the wife
* * *
In the heat of a summer nightIn the land of the gold dragon
When the family of Stark they died
and they talk about it still.
* * *
From: Prince Tommen Baratheon ([email protected])
Subject: Re: Getting to know you!
Hi Lady Margaery,
I would like to know you too. I think you are very pretty.
When I grow up I want to be a knight like your brother. I do not like puppies. I like kittens though. I want one very much. Mother says no. I like to eat most things. I hate beets. Mother makes me eat beets a lot. If I were king, I would outlaw beets.
Do you like kittens? What is your favorite color? Do you like knights? Do you like beets?
Love,
Tommen
* * *
QueenOfThorns: I suppose.
IWant2BeTHEQueen: It can wait if it’s not
QueenOfThorns: Since you are already in the chat room, you may proceed.
IWant2BeTHEQueen:L said u wanted 2 talk 2 me about T
QueenOfThorns: Well?
IWant2BeTHEQueen: he’s like 10. There r limits 2 what I can do. He wrote back tho.
QueenOfThorns: Hmph
IWant2BeTHEQueen: I’m working on it.
QueenOfThorns: Work harder.
IWant2BeTHEQueen: r u ok? U sound like Tywin Lannister
QueenOfThorns: That is hardly surprising. I AM Tywin Lannister.
IWant2BeTHEQueen: um, then why r u calling urself “QueenOfThorns?”
(QueenOfThorns has signed off)
IWant2BeTHEQueen: ok, that was weird
* * *
* * *
YouWouldntKnowHim: I know I’m not a lord, but it seems 2 me that u have bigger problems than songwriting
DeadPanSnarker: yh I know that, Bronn. It’s a compulsion. I can’t stop it. That’s how compulsions work.
YouWouldntKnowHim: Is ur dad still on ur case about u not boinking the bride?
DeadPanSnarker: he never stops. I’m amazed he hasn’t come by 2 watch & make sure I do the deed
YouWouldntKnowHim: wonder what he’d pay 4 that suggestion?
DeadPanSnarker: I pay u 2 protect me and 2 kill people, I’m not paying u not 2 put bright ideas in my father’s head.
YouWouldntKnowHim: Heh
DeadPanSnarker: what rhymes w/massacre?
* * *
To: Lord Walder Frey ([email protected])
From: Lady Olenna Tyrell ([email protected])
Subject: Your "proposal"
Lord Frey,
Perhaps your recent loss has prompted your...remarkable...behavior the other night. I am not sure what prompted you to think of me as a potential wife, but my son will be declining your...kind...offer.
Please do not contact me via chat or instant messaging again. I am unsure how you achieved the impression that I had ever initiated conversation with you. Why would you possibly think I had any interest in the fate of Edmure Tully or the disposition of Riverrun? Also, please do not address me or refer to me as "Blondie" ever again.
Lady Olenna Tyrell
* * *
MemeticBadass: You shouldn’t allow that infernal machine to save your password. This would prevent the problem.
QueenOfThorns: I realize it’s been a long time for you, but most men don’t bring their work when they go to visit their lady friends at night.
MemeticBadass: I am the Hand of the King; the work is ongoing. Wait—how many men are in the habit of visiting you at night?
QueenOfThorns: If you must work after, bring your own “infernal machine” with you. Don’t use mine.
MemeticBadass: You haven’t answered my question.
QueenOfThorns: Don’t change the subject. I cannot have you using my screen name. It’s causing all kinds of havoc.
* * *
From: Lady Margaery Tyrell ([email protected])
Subject: Re: Re: Getting to know you!
Hi Tommen,
You are so sweet to call me pretty. I think you are very handsome.
You will make a wonderful knight! Do you like to ride horses? Do you like tourneys?
Kittens! How wonderful! I love kittens too. My brother says he knows where he can get some for me. Perhaps some day you can come and play with them? We wouldn’t have to bother your mother about it. I’ll arrange the whole thing!
My favorite color is gold. What is your favorite color? I like knights very much too. I don’t like beets either. What a splendid idea to outlaw beets!
Please write again soon.
Love,
Margaery
* * *
* * *
From: King Joffrey Baratheon ([email protected])
Subject: Severed heads
Dear Grandfather,
Write Lord Walder Frey and demand that he send me Robb Stark’s head. I tried to email him and he never replied. Lady Margaery suggested that perhaps I could send Sansa the head in a box rather than at the wedding feast.
Joffrey
King Joffrey Baratheon
Lord of the Seven Kingdoms
King of the Andals and the First Men
Protector of the Realm
* * *
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Re: Severed Heads
Your Grace,
I took the liberty of contacting Lord Walder Frey directly on your behalf. Regrettably, the body parts of Robb Stark and his mother are no longer available. He apologizes for the mishap in communications.
If I may advise you, in the last six months you have changed your email address at least five times. This appears to explain why Lord Frey’s reply did not reach you. Your mother informs me you display a certain ingenuity for naming things such as swords, and suggests that this is possibly why you have chosen the following as suitable screen names and email addresses:
• WidowMakr
• Sansas_Gonna_Suck_It
• ICallMyCrossbow_MrKiller
• The_Imp_Is_My_bitch
Rather than stifle your “creativity” by asking you to restrict yourself to a single official address, if you will forward all official communications to me directly, I will be happy to see that they reach the intended parties and that you in turn receive their replies as appropriate.
Sincerely,
Grandfather
Lord Tywin Lannister
Hand of the King
Lord Paramount of the West
Warden of the West
Lord of Casterly Rock
* * *
Winter is hereThe sky is blueThe Freys all sing as if they knew
Today’s the day we’ll say
* * *
From: Lady Margaery Tyrell ([email protected])
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Getting to know you!
Dear Tommen,
I had such a wonderful time playing with you and the kittens! Loras was very impressed with you too. He said he thought you would make a splendid knight, and that you would win many tourneys.
How wonderful that we both hate beets. Do you like turnips?
I love the picture you drew for me of the kittens. I will treasure it always. I think we can visit again very soon. Don’t tell your mother or your brother or you’ll spoil the surprise. Think how your dear mother will look when she finds out how friendly we are!
XOXOXO,
Margaery
* * *
DeadPanSnarker: Um
QueenOfThorns: It’s a simple question. Have you taken your wife’s maidenhead?
DeadPanSnarker: WTH? Why is everyone in this city so concerned with the state of my bride’s ladyparts???
QueenOfThorns: Don’t take that tone with me, you lecherous little imp. You are a Lannister. Lannisters don’t behave like fools.
DeadPanSnarker: Father?
QueenOfThorns: You have no trouble bedding every whore in this city, surely you can take
DeadPanSnarker: Why are U using Lady Olenna’s screen name?
(QueenOfThorns has signed off)
* * *
Do not reply-to-all or forward it without the author’s permission.
To: Lord Walder Frey ([email protected])
From: Lady Olenna Tyrell ([email protected])
BCC: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected] )
Subject: In your dreams
Lord Frey,
Please accept my condolences on the passing of your most recent bride. Your grief must be the reason behind the truly bizarre behavior you have evidenced in your recent communications with me.
While I am sympathetic to your loss, if you do not stop all manner of correspondence with me (including but not limited to sexting, instant messaging, email, and raven), I will be forced to have my grandson make a special trip to the Twins to chop off your manhood so that he might, as Lord Tyrion Lannister so often colorfully says, “feed it to the goats.”
The only reason my grandson is not on his way already is that I am aware there has been some mischief with my account. Apparently some old fool hacked into it and initiated a number of messages using my name. No doubt you received one of these and considered it to be encouragement.
Consider yourself discouraged.
Lady Olenna Tyrell
* * *
DeadPanSnarker: Father, is that u?
YouWouldntKnowHim: wtf? it’s Bronn.
DeadPanSnarker: sorry, I’m getting paranoid. He IM’d me the other night calling himself the “QueenOfThorns”
YouWouldntKnowHim: wow, you highborns
DeadPanSnarker: Yh IKR? It was so weird
YouWouldntKnowHim: Maybe your dad has a hidden side. He’s so uptight. Maybe he likes to unwind, wearing gowns, calling himself “the Queen of Thorns”
DeadPanSnarker: OMG, don’t do that. Now I’m gonna picture him in drag…OMG make it stop
YouWouldntKnowHim: Better that than u trying to write songs about that wedding.
DeadPanSnarker: Oh, hey, what did u think of them?
YouWouldntKnowHim: Don’t quit ur day job
DeadPanSnarker: That bad?
YouWouldntKnowHim: u didn’t send these 2 ur dad or 2 the wife, did u?
DeadPanSnarker: I may obsessed, but I’m not suicidal
YouWouldntKnowHim: good. Just picture ur dad maybe wearing something in red, boots maybe, a lot of thigh, dancing.
DeadPanSnarker: And now I need to cut off my own head because that image is now burned into my brain.
* * *
Freys to the left of meBoltons to the rightHere I am stuck in the bloodbath with you
* * *