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Nobody other than Tyrell Badd was willing to come babysit at 9pm.
"Badd, I'm really sorry about this.. the hospital called and they said her mother was in really bad shape and I have to go see her in case—"
"….Hey Byrne…."
Badd's stentorian voice, even at its softest, always derailed the most frantic streams of speech and thought.
"Y.. Yeah?" Byrne said.
"…..Just go…. I already know…."
"Thank you, Badd. Thank you," Byrne said. He put a hand on Badd's shoulder and smiled.
"….kehehe… you gettin' soft, Byrne?….."
Byrne gave a soft laugh and dusted Badd's shoulder.
"Maybe…" Byrne had to step to the side of Badd's broad physique to see Kay and call out to her.
"Kay! Come say bye to Daddy!"
Kay left her schoolbooks and stationery and walked over to where Badd and Byrne were standing. Byrne crouched down and gave her a hug.
"Daddy needs to go see Mommy in the hospital, okay?" Byrne said.
"Can I come, dad?"
"No, Kay. It's very late and you need to sleep."
"Pleeease Dad"
"I'm sorry Kay. Not this time. Not… tonight."
Another hug from Byrne. When he was done, he held out his palms in front of Kay and waited for her to hold both his hands.
"You're gonna be nice to Uncle Badd?"
Kay nodded.
"You won't cause him any trouble?"
"Maaybe just a lil' bit.. hehe" Kay said.
"Ohhh naughty, naughty…. you will do no such thing. You will finish up your homework and be in bed by 12. Are we clear?"
"Crystal," Kay said, borrowing the brusque gruffness of Badd.
Byrne laughed and thought perhaps she should spend less time with him. He stood up.
"Thanks again, Badd. See you. Bye Kay!"
"Bye Daddy!"
"….So long… Byrne…"
Kay maintained the facade of an innocent little girl until the door had shut behind Byrne. She put on the poise of a heister who had just been told the silent alarm was triggered and that they had 3 minutes to nab everything.
"Listen to me, Uncle Badd. You're gonna let me do everything I want. You're gonna make me coffee and order me pizza. I'm not a little girl and I don't need a nanny," Kay said.
"…..Is that so?…. You're not a little girl?…."
"No, I'm not."
"…..You sure?…."
"Yeah."
Badd opened the door and called out to Byrne, who had just gotten in his car.
"…Hey Byrne!… Come back here for a sec…"
Byrne gave a bunch of affirmative sounds and outstretched thumbs-up to show that he had heard Badd. He turned on the car, put his briefcase on the driver's seat, and started walking back to the front door.
"What is it?" Byrne said.
"…..Kay says you didn't do the goodbye song….."
"Oh my God, Kay, I thought you hated it! I'm sorry. Let's do it now."
He grabbed both of Kay's arms by the wrist. He guided her through a cheerleading routine.
Hey, hey, hey!
Kay, Kay, Kay!
Daddy Far-a-day
Is goin' far away!
Is goin' far away!
But he’ll come back!
But he’ll come back!
For his little Kay!
Byrne laughed when he finished.
"All good now, Kay?"
"…..kehehe…. go Team Faraday….."
Kay was furious. She wanted to get a belt and whip Badd until he was red all over. This was the most embarrassing moment of her entire life so far. Although overwhelming rage was all that she felt at the time, she would look back at this moment fondly when she was grown up. She would laugh when she remembered the detailed fantasies of skinning Badd alive her 8-year-old self came up with.
Of course, little Kay could not let any of this show to Byrne, who had the most innocent smile on his face and was eagerly watching her for a happy reaction. She gave him what he wanted and more when she giggled and gave a long, full-chested "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY"
Kay was looking out the window and waited until her dad's car turned the corner. She walked over to Badd, who was browsing through Byrne's DVD collection.
"Uncle Badd… I'm gonna… I'm gonna…. show you what's what," Kay said. She had been freely mouthy with her dad, who couldn't bring himself to even slightly admonish Kay for anything but the most egregious actions. When it came to Badd, however, she was more measured.
"….Do your worst… kid…"
She went back into her room and began piling games in the middle of the living room. She made sure to make a racket as she was setting up. She brought over the tea set with a controlled shake in her hands so she could make the ceramic clatter.
"Uncle Badd, you're gonna have a tea party with me," Kay said. She was going to make it into the most elaborate and ornate party since Queen Victoria's reign. She would invite innumerable invisible guests and ask Badd to entertain all of them. She seated as many of her teddy bears as she could around the table. She would ask Badd to follow proper etiquette and create more rules, unheard of rules, whenever he was getting comfortable.
"…No Coppola, Byrne?…." Badd found Byrne's film collection unsatisfying and overly European.
"Now, Uncle Badd. You're already late to the party," Kay said.
"….Sure as hell am not…Mr. Brownfur arrived just now…." Badd was already familiar with the guest list, having previously been master-of-ceremonies many times before. He got up and walked over to Kay's table. He sat down on the floor and crossed his legs since the play-chair was too flimsy for him.
Kay, continuing the venerable American tradition of badly imitating a posh English accent, asked if Badd wanted any bergamot tea.
"Woodcha loyke sam teah, oonkle Bahd?"
"….Hell's bells….I think I do, why thank you…."
When all the guests had packed up their snuff-boxes, dusted themselves clean of bits of scone, hung their calfskin purses on their hand, and left the function, Kay decided to switch over one of her favorite games: Guess Who
"Uncle Badd, does your person have a mustache?"
"….No…."
Kay flipped down a bunch of her candidates.
"….Kid…is your guy a fruity-looking fella?….."
"What… what does that mean, Uncle Badd?"
"…You know…. A fruit…..A fella that shaves his beard and has fancy hair and fancy shoes…. Spends too much time looking at his reflection…."
"Like.. Daddy?"
Badd had not accounted for the fact that Byrne perfectly slotted into all these categories. He could not deny it now, it was too late, so he tried to qualify.
"….Your dad…He's different….."
"Okay… but is he a fruit?" Kay said.
"….Well….Fine…Yeah….He is…. but don't… don't tell him I said that….kehehe.."
Badd knew sure as shit that Kay would ambush her father with this question and explain the term to him as well. He wished he could be in the room when that happened.
"Are you a fruit, Uncle Badd?"
Badd did not realize that the killings would start right away, and that he would be the first victim.
"…..What do you think… kid…."
"I mean… sometimes you shave your beard… you have nice leather shoes… you make your hair fancy when Daddy says so….You carry a mirror with you…." Kay had almost put together an unassailable case for Badd being a 'fruit' when he distracted her with an enticing offer of ordering margherita pizza.
Pizza slice still in hand, Badd had been sitting down on the floor when Kay brought over the dollhouse and carefully placed it in front of him. She brought over a doll wearing a blue pantsuit and placed her down in the living room of the dollhouse.
"Okay Uncle Badd, I want to show you my house," Kay said.
"….Well… Go on, kid…."
Badd noted the Americana-style two-story architecture. Picket fence. Patterned lawn. Probably built in the 50s.
"First, we have to make breakfast," Kay said.
"….Breakfast?…. Look at the backdrop… It's in the middle of the night."
Kay didn't see any contradiction in what she said and what Badd said.
"So?"
"…..Chrissakes, kid…. Who eats breakfast at night?….."
"I do?… Papa makes me pancakes at night," Kay said.
"….He does?… Well…"
"She needs to eat brinner so she can go to work," Kay said.
"…..What the hell is 'brinner'?……"
"Jeez, Uncle Badd, It's very simple!….. It's breakfast at dinner time," Kay said. Badd could tell she had deigned to explain what was, to her, a very obvious and plain concept.
"….Uh huh… You said she's going to work?…."
"Yeah, she has to go to work," Kay said.
"….at night…? Just what kind of life do you have this poor broad living?….."
"What do you mean, Uncle Badd?"
"…..She eats breakfast at night….Goes to work at night…."
"She's a thief at night and a lawyer in the morning," Kay said, in a matter-of-fact, as-one-does way. She picked up a tiny spoon and moved mouthfuls of air to the doll's mouth.
"….Uh huh…."
Badd felt a need to gently introduce the reality of human beings having limited energy into Kay's conceptual universe.
"………You wanna give her a break, kid?……..Ease up on her?"
"I already did! I left the baby dolls in their box so she could focus on her job!"
Kay had the doll leave her plastic house, roam around in the courtyard, walk over to the shelf where the TV was standing, open the drawer, and walk back home.
"……Kehehehehe…."
"What's so funny, Uncle Badd?" Kay said. She sat back down next to Badd, having finished the doll's journey.
Badd found Kay's understanding of the conflict between motherhood and a career admirable. She was clearly watching everything happening in her little world very closely.
"…..Nothin'….You're just a smart kid... What's her name?….." Badd gestured to the doll awkwardly leaning against the tiled bathroom wall since her legs couldn't bend. It was clear that Kay had never thought about giving this restless, unsleeping woman a name. Kay thought the matter over as she took off the doll's pantsuit for a shower, gently working handfuls of air shampoo through the long black strands of synthetic nylon on her head.
"Her name is… Her name is… Kay.. yeah.." Kay said.
"….So she's you?…."
The pinions and levers were restless in Kay's mind. She was thinking as hard as she could about whether she and her doll were the same person.
"No… we just have the same name," Kay said, picking up the doll and placing her near the front door.
"….Uh huh…."
"Alright Uncle Badd, make the sun go up so she can go to court," Kay said.
"….She didn't even get to sleep…"
"She doesn't need sleep! She can just drink coffee and be okay," Kay said, with the same frustration that comes with explaining the obvious as earlier. She made the doll sip air from a tiny plastic mug.
Badd had also realized that there was a distinct lack of burglary, breaking-and-entering, safe-cracking so far.
"….Kid… Your doll didn't steal anything yet…."
Kay looked at Badd with confusion, since this was a modus operandi he should have been intimately familiar with. "She was just casing the joint for her friends? Come on, Uncle Badd," Kay said.
Badd was impressed both by the fictional Kay for running a tight crew and the real Kay for imagining her Neil Mc-Kay-auley with such verisimilitude.
Detective Badd was getting tired, so he got up to make some coffee. Kay was like a cat who heard the sound of a tuna can being opened.
"Uncle Badd, can I have some?" Kay said.
"No."
"Come onnnn, Uncle Badd…. Pretty please?"
"….No… Maybe if you needed to stay up day and night….Like your doll…."
"I have important work to do!"
"…..Such as?…."
"Like uh…. homework!" Kay said.
"….You don't need coffee…To do multiplication tables…."
"Yes, I do!"
Kay was adamant that the workload of an elementary schooler required copious amounts of caffeine. To little Kay, coffee was a magical potion that gave you unlimited energy. Badd drank coffee so he wouldn't fall asleep if he happened to sit in a chair for too long. Badd thought about giving her just a little sip, but nixed that sentiment because the risk of her staying up longer than he did was too great.
"No."
"Okay then, give me a piggyback ride."
"…….Hell, kid…. My knees are shot…Can't do that anymore… You're too big…"
"Coffee makes you stronger so stop making excuses!"
Badd was struck by how eerily similar this was to the seminar in hostage negotiation he took a few years ago. Some things are a hard 'No.' Some things you must say 'Yes.' Listen. Deescalate. Explain. Compromise. The image of Kay as a crazed gunwoman in a balaclava made him laugh.
"…..Kehehehe…. Fine….You can sit on my shoulders but not for too long…" Badd said, putting down his mug on the marble counter.
"Yay!"
Kay let the hostages go free and clambered on top of Badd. He seated her on his shoulders and grabbed both of her arms to secure her.
"Make noises, Uncle Badd," Kay said.
"…I'm tired, kid…."
"Pleeeeease?"
When Kay nuzzled her head against his cheek and he heard her excited breathing, he started making the noises she asked him for, but they were the sounds of a very sluggish diesel engine rather than something more exciting like an airplane.
Badd gave Kay a tour of the Faraday household. She touched a few lightbulbs, saw the top of the fridge and freezer for the first time, and opened and closed the coffee mug cupboards as much as she wanted. Badd Express headed to the living room for its final stop. Badd sat down on the couch so Kay could safely disembark.
"Alright kid…..Time to sleep…... Uncle Badd can't play anymore…."
"Noooo, Uncle Badd.. I wanna stay uuuup," Kay protested.
"….Nothing for us to do anymore….I'm tired kid…. I just wanna watch a movie…."
"I'll watch it with you!"
"You won't like it…. it's for grown ups…."
"Is there like… blood… and guns…and.. naked people?" Kay said.
Badd tried to assess the child-friendliness of 12 Angry Men purely from memory. Indeed, no blood, no guns, and no naked people. It received a certified rating of Kay-friendly from The Badd Board for Motion Picture Safety.
"….No, but you'll say it's boring….."
"No I won't, I won't! Tell me whatsit about?" Kay said.
Badd was trying to make a film with an already ostensibly boring synopsis even more boring. He felt like it had been a stroke of genius when he decided to associate it with the stuffy court proceedings Byrne sometimes had her see.
"….They're in a courtroom….."
Like Daddy?"
"….Yeah…."
"I WANNA SEE IT IWANNASEEIT!"
"……What the hell for?…..You always sleep when Byrne is in court…."
"No, no, a movie is different," Kay said.
"…..Kehehe hehe… Roger Ebert over here…..What do you know about movies kid? you've only seen that kung fu bear—"
"Kung Fu PANDA, Uncle Badd."
"Uh huh….That one…"
"I saw Toy Story 3 as well! And you don't know this but… I saw you and dad watching that film together! You kept saying '….this is his best film….'" Kay said.
And although she did not know his name and had watched Heat through the wooden bannisters of the staircase, her impersonation of Robert De Niro, which she began by twisting her mouth and scratching imaginary scruff, was pitch-perfect: "I'm uhm… alone… not lonely"
Badd was surprised by how uncannily accurate her impersonation of Bob was. He loved it so much that he relented and sat her down to watch 12 Angry Men even though it would keep her up way past her bedtime.
Badd was absorbed by the film. Even though he had seen it over and over, he paid as much attention as someone watching it for the first time would. He had not noticed the fact that Kay had been very quiet for some time now, that the darkened living room and the background noise of the TV had allowed sad thoughts to churn in Kay's mind.
"Uncle Badd... I want to ask you something… but don't get mad and don't lie, okay?"
"….Hold on kid… Lee Cobb is going nuts… My favorite part…"
"Mommy is going to die, isn't she?"
Badd found that Kay's question was not dissimilar to getting shot. His body tensed up, he suddenly felt very hot, and his vision clouded with black chaff.
"There's… There's... Henry….Fonda…" Badd's voice had shrunk with every word. He picked up the remote to lower the volume with a shaky hand.
"I wish someone would tell me the truth. Everyone thinks I'm too young, but I know what's happening to mom. She's sick."
"….Goddamn it….. Byrne…."
"Right, Uncle Badd? You've never lied to me about anything before," Kay said.
"…..Kid... Come on, now... Maybe your mother… Maybe she makes it…"
"No, she doesn't. I heard Dad on the phone. She's going to die."
Kay fell quiet for a while. She was picking her line of inquiry.
"If she dies, will she go to the good place or the bad place?"
Badd felt another buckshot round perforate his aorta. His brow was sweaty. He felt like his blood had become septic, that it was curdling and blocking up his veins. His breathing became labored.
"….I-I don't know, kid…. Nobody knows that kind of thing…"
"Daddy is sad. He's sad all the time."
Kay gazed into the area of couch between her two legs
"Did your mommy die, Uncle Badd?"
"….Yeah…."
"Were you sad?"
"….Yeah…"
"What about your daddy?"
"Dead… And buried…"
"What did you do when… when they died?"
"….Went to see them…."
"You can see people after they die?"
"….at the cemetery…."
Kay usually knew better than to try to jump the gun with Badd's glacial pace, just not that time.
"Oh…." Kay said.
She was briefly quiet before picking up the thread again.
"Are you still sad that your mommy and daddy died, Uncle Badd?"
"No…. that was a long time ago…."
"No? Has… has anyone ever died and you're… you're still sad about it?" Kay said.
Badd went silent. He couldn't bear to look at Kay's searching eyes.
"Uncle Badd?"
"…I.. uh…"
Badd was debating the wisdom of what he was about to say. He didn't know if this would make Kay quiet down or make her ask even more questions. He said it because it was the only thing he could say.
"I lost my son."
"W-what? You've never told me that!"
"….There was no need… It's been so long ago…."
"Was… was he sick? Like Mommy?"
"....Yeah... He was...."
"But I thought only old people got sick like Mommy? Was your son old, Uncle Badd?"
Badd could not believe that it was easier to breathe choking on your own blood than sitting down with Kay during that moment. He didn't want to tell Kay any of this, but he could not let what happened before happen again.
His vow was without exception: never lie to a child, no matter how sad or how painful the truth was. He did not tell his kid that he wouldn't make it. He couldn't face that fact, couldn't say it. He had kept packing false hope in his son's heart, and his son had felt that he would live as long as his father believed he would. When his son had faded away and Badd had thought he saw a look of betrayal in his dying gaze, he knew he couldn't make this mistake ever again.
"He was as old as you."
Kay was very quiet. She was putting together a horrible conclusion from unbearable premises.
"Will…will I die, Uncle Badd?"
"….We all die in the end, kid…."
Kay was terrified at death, her own death, a personal death, an end to her little life, barging into her little world.
"W-when is that?"
"….Nobody knows. It’s not… it’s not for anybody to know…."
"B-but… if you go to the doctor when you’re sick, you won’t die, right? Right, Uncle Badd? My daddy took me to the doctor and I got better," Kay said. She was panicking. Her heart was pounding and she felt like fire had been crawling up her body.
"…..Sometimes…..The doctor can’t do anything for you…"
….Like Mommy?"
"Y... Yeah…"
Kay was crying, wailing. She was inconsolable. Badd turned away his face so Kay wouldn't see him crying, too.
"Kid…. It’s alright…. It’s alright….." His voice was wavering. He picked up the sobbing Kay and planted her head on his right shoulder. He had almost managed to contain himself when her muffled coughs and cries broke him again. He kept patting Kay on the back as he let the tears irrigate his scruff.
"…Goddammit… Goddammit…. kid…."
He was reaching for something to say, something to comfort Kay, something to ease his own pain. He got up and paced around the living room, Kay still clinging to him. He was both trying to calm her down and think of something. He managed to think of something, but kept pacing until Kay had calmed down enough to hear it. When Kay started taking in smaller sips of air for her sobs rather than the large gulps needed for a wail, he sat down again to tell Kay the good news.
"Kid…. I’ll be with you as long as I live…."
A grieving Kay took him to task on this offer. She lifted her head from Badd's shoulder and looked at him to address a very important point.
"W-what will I do if you’re not… not… here anymore?" Her eyes were puffy and she was still sniffling, but she was ready to hear what he had to say.
" You’ll live, kid…….. Maybe… Maybe you’ll be someone else’s Uncle Badd…. Aunt Faraday…"
Kay was astonished by the prospect.
"R-really? I'll be able to carry someone around?"
"…I was thinking more about…You making them feel better…But maybe you can pick them up as well…."
Kay gave a small laugh through her tears. She put her head back down again into Badd's shoulder.
"I love you, Uncle Badd,"
Badd, hearing Kay's slow panting, feeling her little lungs inflate and deflate on his shoulder, not a soul in the vicinity except him and Kay, could say it back: I... love you too... kid…."
Byrne returned home with an unspoken wish to die. He was wobbling when he was approaching the front door. Maybe he would fall down, hit his head on a stray rock, and never get back up.
Kay Sr. had died and nothing would ever change that. He couldn't think of anything but her raspy, dying breaths. From now on, he could only see his wife again if he could bear to look into little Kay's face for long enough. When he entered the house, the dim light of dusk was softly lingering in the living room. He saw a blocky silhouette on the far couch. He couldn't tell what it was from where he was standing. When he got closer, he could finally tell apart the shadowed figures.
Badd, head craned to the side, held the sleeping Kay in his arms.