Chapter Text
This meeting was incredibly overwhelming, I could just about hear what Stratt was talking about. I felt very distant from the rest of the room ,almost as if I were playing a VR game?? I don't even remember what this meeting was about.
Ohhh fudge!! I think I dissociated in the middle of a meeting- with Eva stratt. And its about the science for the mission I recall , she's staring right through my soul. Isn't this just great!
Oh. Oh no.
This is horrifying, I think she's just asked me something but I'd not heard it, any of it. And if its about the mission science, she would have asked me loads! And I've probably just nodded along this ENTIRE time!!
“Uhhhh sorry can you repeat that?? “
“Grace.” Oh fudge. She's going to be so pissed off.
“Yes Stratt? “ I'm fucked. Why can't I just focus?
“Were you even listening? “ Everyone in this room turned to face me. They were all looking at me now. Oh my God. I felt my chest tighten, I hate this. Everyone is staring at me, right through my soul even.
“Uhm..no..” Well done Ryland. Great job!
“I'm sorry. “
“Grace. Please try to stay focused. “ Stratt sighed.
I'd nod praying everyone would just look away.
Oh my God.
Great. In front of everyone. Thanks a lot stratt . I tried to take a deep breath. Never mind. That didn't work at all, God that was humiliating I'm the worlds leading scientist in astrophage and I had dissociated in front of everyone!!
Stratt was just waffling about spin drives, did she know anything about them? Who am I kidding she knows everything about this mission! Maybe she is right and I need to focus more.
Sitting in this room was getting way too much for me. I really wanted to leave, I'm sure stratt wouldn't mind if I asked to go to the bathroom?
—
She didn't mind at all, just told me to ‘be quick about it. ‘ fair enough. It was an important meeting after all. I wouldn't be too long anyways. I hoped I wouldn't, you never know how long these things can take after all.
What was I thinking? Was I really going to cut myself in the bathroom mid stressful meeting. Oh God.
I pushed the door for one of the stalls open and locked it behind me. I fumbled in my pockets for the half broken sharper I always carry around with me.
Oh my God what the fuck was I actually doing??
I sat on the floor leaning against the wall of the bathroom stall, carefully rolling up my sleeve.
This was going to be some quick relief I guess!!
I removed the pencil sharpeners blade , it shone a little under the lighting.
I took a deep breath before I brought it down on my arm, swiping the blade against my skin as if it was wet paper. My breath hitched.
“Ffucfck!!” I winced.
It hurt, it really, really hurt! I think I went too deep on accident. It's never hurt this much before. I hissed in pain whilst looking at my arm. Fuckfuckfuck. Blood. A lot of it. Dripping right down the side of my arm. I only wanted to do a few scratches. Not this! My chest felt incredibly tight and I didn't know if I was even breathing anymore.
PleasemakeitstopfukcfuckffucknMmphnnffff
“Help.“
I can't handle blood, especially not this much! Ill survive but I won't be conscious for much longer!!
My vision had blurred at the edges, shit. I tried to press my free hand to the self inflicted wounds on my upper arm, it wasn't working very well. who am I kidding it's not working at all! I was too weak right now to hold literally any pressure on those cuts.
I kicked the blade across the stall so I wouldn't feel the need to pick it up again. God would I ever do that anyways!? My eyes teared up, this was all way too much. I should have just stayed in the meeting. Wait.
The meeting!
I groaned at the thought of that meeting. Stratt said ‘be quick' and here I am on the bathroom floor on the verge of passing out.
Is she going to come looking for me? I hope not.
What if Carl gets sent in here and finds me like this? Will they kick me off the project? No. Of course they won't! Stop being so silly grace of course they wouldn't kick me off the project.
Fckfuck!mmmpphpfuckfffucffk
Ah right. My arm. I slumped against the wall. I was just about holding on to my consciousness, no please no I have to stay awake they can't find me here please please please!
Maybe I'll just close my eyes for a minute.
–
I did in fact close my eyes. For way to long. They where definitely looking for me now , what have I done oh my God.
I looked at my bloodied arm again, the bleeding had slowed a lot which is good but it's still bleeding.
I heard footsteps outside the stall. Whoever that was is going to find me here. I really need to be quiet. Never mind ow this shit hurts!
“Ffuc-” so much for being quiet
“Grace? Is that you” shit it's Carl. It's actually him, they sent him to find me. My chest tightened, oh my God I was hyperventilating fuck no no. I wanted him to go away but I know I needed help.
“Yeahh ffucfck..?? “ I could barely talk. I could barely breathe. This felt like hell.
“Grace are you alright? “ he's gonna know. Everyone is going to know even.
“No. Help. Please. Fffuuck! “ I squeaked. That was well , pathetic. Very pathetic. I'm a grown man for Gods sake. And slightly embarrassing, but I don't know why I'm worried about that one.
“Oh, Ill uh find a way in” oh right it was going to be very hard to get into this locked stall.
I heard banging against the door. Seems he already worked out he could probably break the door down , or just enough to open the door. I really didn't want anybody to see the state I was in.
“Carll.. ffuck!??? “ man that hurt to say.
I should probably stop swearing but I just can't help it! This hurts!!
“Yes Grace? “
“ffuckk! Promise you won't be mad at me..? “
“Of course I wouldn't be mad at you for needing help? “ The next thing I knew he'd manage to get past the door. I don't know how, must have blanked out or something. Oh wait! He can see the state I'm in.
“Grace! “ he knelt down next to me, probably trying to assess the damage. I painfully moved my uncut arm off of the practically shredded arm just so he could take a look.
“Ffuck–! “ pleasehelpmepleasefuckfff!!
“I know Grace. “ He'd take off his blazer and hold pressure to the sliced up arm, it really stings.
“What happened? “ fuck. I know he was going to ask that one.
“Uhmmm… I kinda got really really stressed and came here to cut myself… ffufck. “ he looked at me as if I killed somebody, maybe I was a bit too straight forward but I was panicking! Whoops.
“Grace? Are you okay? Like mentally” that question hit me like a gigantic boulder. Shit. I'm not going to answer that one, I really don't want to. Not now anyways, not ever! My arm hurt too much to bother.
My vision tunneled at the edges, shit not again. Not now. The sight of my own blood forming a little pool on the bathroom floor really was far too much to handle still. God did it make me feel nauseous.
“Carl m'gonna faint–” I winced . I saw him look at me for a second, the next thing I knew I'd passed out again.
“Grace? Grace! “