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An eternity had passed until they got Jax back. At least, that's what it felt like to Pomni. An analogue timeline would have only counted maybe a few months at most, though. Meticulous planning, a lot of failure, but most of all, teamwork, had gotten their grumpy friend back, in body, more than spirit. Ever since, Jax had been roaming the newly improved circus as if their mind were still stuck in an abstract state. Perhaps it was, no one could tell. Neither Caine nor Kinger could, even though they had been there from the start.
Everyone let them be for a while. No one knew what abstraction felt like, not fully, at least. Even Pomni, who had felt part of the torment Jax had gone through, left enough space for them to adjust at their own pace. She had learned much, too much, that her dear friend clearly didn't want her, or anyone else, to know. It ate her up from the inside, not getting to fix anything with the snap of her fingers. But if the reality of their digital circus taught her anything, it was that things weren't as simple as they seemed anymore. They had forever, or at least something close to that, to figure things out. Right?
Morale was at a low point, and Jax walking around like a brain-dead zombie most days did not help. Gradually, though, hope began increasing again. After all, they had saved someone who had abstracted. They still had a long way to go with fixing the rabbit, sure, but saving the others was now within the realm of possibilities. Next up would be Queenie, then Ribbit and Kaufmo, and finally, all the others. Caine was eager to apologise, now that he was no longer an evil-slash-misunderstood overlord running the circus. He hadn't been able to properly apologise to Jax yet, though. No one had been able to get more out of them than a simple "fine".
They had given them space for weeks, almost half the time it had taken to get them back, and Pomni grew tired of sitting around. Forever, sure, but time seemed to pass much more slowly in Jax's tainted mind. They would need them, sooner rather than later, if they ever wanted to get Ribbit back. Ragatha, especially, had been having a short fuse lately, wanting Jax to get their head back in the game. As always, Pomni became the middleman, wanting to avoid conflict between her two dear friends as much as possible.
'Hey there, Jax,' Pomni spoke as softly as she could with the nerves shaking her vocal cords. She wanted to talk to Jax, really talk, without accidentally messing things up.
Jax sat at the counter, an empty mug in front of them. They didn't turn to face Pomni, but she knew they were listening by the slight twitch of their ears—a telltale sign. It had become much easier to read their mind ever since … well … being inside of it. Not that Pomni planned on bringing that up anytime soon. She guessed it would be a sore subject for her friend. After all, who would enjoy having their mind invaded, even if it were an attempt to save them?
'How have ya been?' She smiled awkwardly as she sat down next to the rabbit. When they still wouldn't acknowledge them, she focused really hard and conjured hot cocoa for both of them. Staring at the Caine-level conjuring, Jax's mouth opened slightly. They had missed a lot while they were abstracted, including everyone but especially Pomni, having learned their ways of willing the circus to their hand. Caine had helped as much as AI could, which was very limited, but Kinger taught her the most useful tips and tricks. He even told her she had a real knack for conjuring, whatever that might mean.
The rabbit wanted to keep ignoring her, but it was stronger than themselves. 'So, what? You're a magical girl now?'
'Jax—!' Pomni exclaimed in excitement when she finally heard their voice again. Even that sassy, judgmental tone was like music to her ears. She quickly caught her own enthusiasm, though, toning it down in order not to scare her friend off. Keep it cool, Pomns, she scolded herself. 'Jaxie…' She leaned in close, the quiver in her voice so tangible, they could feel it in the air. Jax's purple fur jumped alive with electricity. 'You doing alright? Being all chill and … stuff? Um … You should totally go at your own pace and figure things out however you see fit, but maybe, now that you were saved from—'
'I didn't deserve to be saved.'
Pomni's face fell quickly, and she instinctively made herself the slightest bit smaller. Their cosy drinks poof-ed away from digital existence, and if she didn't know any better, she could swear the air grew colder in mere seconds. 'Don't say that,' she whispered.
'I DIDN'T ASK TO BE SAVED!' Jax yelled, standing up abruptly, their chair scraping harshly over the floor.
For a minute there, she expected her friend to run. Again. Instead, they pulled at their ears as if they were trying to escape their own skin and … oh. That conversation. The one Jax had with Ribbit. Pomni hadn't forgotten about it. She wasn't supposed to ever witness it in the first place. It was a private conversation that happened well before Pomni ever became Pomni and met the others in the circus. Still, it was easy enough to fight off the guilt of overstepping their personal boundaries because, eventually, if she hadn't infiltrated their mind like that, they never would have gotten them back. But bringing it up in that moment was likely to cause more bad than good. She had only uttered a few sentences before Jax began freaking out. Avoidance was what had driven their closest friend to pure madness. It was clear as day that nothing had improved in that department. Jax would keep shutting her out until they were back in that dark room, lost to themselves.
Pomni could take it, though. She had thick skin and others to lean on when their friend would inevitably push her away again. And in them, she would find the strength to keep trying. Over and over. Until Jax would come back to them, to her, for good.
She held out her hand and pointed towards the purple fur on their head. Jax frowned, eyes looking down at the little jester as if she were an ant to squash. Pomni's face slowly turned red in concentration.
'Okay, what are you doing?' Jax asked monotonously.
'Just … gimme … a … sec …' She groaned.
'Are you taking a shit? Oh my god, you are totally taking a shit. Hey, everyone, Pomni's—'
Poof.
Jax felt the slightest additional weight appear on their head, pressing into their ear. 'The fuck?' Their hands hurried towards their ears, patting them down until they reached the large bow now adorning them. 'No, no, no. Not you too. Why are you all doing this to me?!' Their pupils danced between big and small rectangles, the world spinning around them, and their stomach turning in discomfort.
'I thought it would make you more comfortable. More yourself,' Pomni offered gently.
'More comfortable? MORE COMFORTABLE?' Jax yelled, causing Pomni to flinch. 'What would you know about my comfort, HUH? You didn't ask before prying my pretty little head open and getting off on all my dirty little secrets. I have never felt more uncomfortable than when you appeared in this fucking hellhole of a circus, and I especially wasn't fucking comfortable when you just wouldn't leave me alone. God, it's like you're obsessed with me! You don't even KNOW me! You think I'm more comfortable looking like I'm a fucking—You're ridiculous. You think you're so fucking smart and that you know everything and how to fix everyone, but this … This. Is. Not. Helping. Me. I look like a joke. I look like a man in a bow. I will never not look like a man playing a dress-up game invented by a toddler. I never stood a chance out there, and I sure as hell don't stand a fucking chance in here, looking like a fucking RABBIT!' Jax's heart rate crashed, chest moving up and down at an alarming speed.
'Jax—'
'You have NO idea what it's like,' Jax continued, blinded by tears falling so quickly, they glitched out. 'No idea what it feels like to look in the mirror and not see the person you always imagined. To see a failure. A disappointment. A joke. You really think a stupid bow will help with that? Oh god, Pomni. You're as dense as—fuck this.'
Pomni hadn't expected immediate cooperation from Jax, but this outburst showed just how deeply all of their insecurities and trauma had taken root in their mind. They yelled and yelled and yelled, and she could hardly even hear what they were saying anymore with how badly her chest hurt with worry and grief over them. Their eyes and hands and tears all glitched out with every sentence, and it felt inevitable that she would lose them again. She didn't want that. Anything but that! But as her brain was still working out the emotional maths on what to say to calm her friend down, they stormed out, leaving her behind to stare at the empty spot beside her.
Was she really going to lose Jax again? Just like that? Over and over, watching them abstract instead of trying to make someone understand? Why couldn't they just let her in?!
Jax's tears seemed to have been duplicated onto her face, glitchy droplets streaming freely down, as if on an infinite loop. Only when red ribbons embraced her, and a hand found her shoulder, did she realise she had been holding her breath since she came to be alone. 'Gangle … Zooble … I don't know what else I can do to save them.'
They turned her around, and Gangle quickly dried her tears. 'I take it things didn't go too well with Jax?' She asked.
Pomni sniffled, nose irritated and eyes heavy with sadness. 'I don't get why I can't get through to them. It's like … I keep getting so close, but then the walls come back up, and it—it sucks. It sucks so much.'
'You can't understand everything a person goes through or all they feel. It can be so deeply personal. Hell, it can be confusing to them, too, which makes it pretty much impossible to explain to others. How can you? Explain something that you don't even fully understand yourself, I mean. I know the feeling,' Zooble's voice danced through the air. Everyone blinked at them.
'But that's no reason to take it out on Pomni, though, is it?'
Zooble shrugged. 'Maybe not. Look, Jax pisses me off as much as the next person, but … You can't know how deep someone is stuck in their own shit unless it's too late. In our case, we witnessed Jax's "too late". We get a do-over. Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge this time.' Both women stared at them as if they had just risen from the dead. 'What?'
Pomni jumped off her chair, grabbing both of Zooble's hands in hers. 'Maybe Jax doesn't need me to say I care, being a little biased in my feelings, and all that.' She blushed slightly before shaking her head and focusing again. 'Maybe we need someone like you, who had never been part of the Jax fan club, so to speak, to break down those walls.'
As quick as lightning, Zooble drew back their hands. 'I—I don't know, man. I feel like that's way above my station here. I never said I got over my dislike, you know.'
'Please? I don't think we can handle another abstraction. I can't handle that. Not when it's Jax again. Not … Not again. Please,' Pomni pleaded, eyes big and glassy and impossible to avoid. She was staring right into their soul.
It didn't help Pomni's case when Gangle looked up expectantly at her partner. Zooble's stubbornness faded like snow before the sun. They sighed. 'Fine. But don't blame me if it goes so badly that I never want to talk to that little bitch again.'
With all the lack of enthusiasm, Zooble began their search for the lanky rabbit, walking around the circus asking if anyone had seen them recently. They were rather sure where to find them, but still, they decided to check every other possible place first, only to delay the conversation a little. Zooble and Jax had never been particularly close, and they doubted anything would ever change that, especially with how the rabbit had been acting since they got back to the land of the mentally sane. Well, mentally sort of sane. That didn't mean they wanted them to abstract, though. Not at all. It would kill Pomni and, in turn, would sour the morale they had been fighting to build up in their new and final place to call home. Aside from that, Zooble had meant all they'd told the other two. Who knew what was really going on in Jax's mind? Pomni had mentioned a little here and there, but it all remained vague enough not to reveal Jax's real issues. Zooble had been in dark places before. At least, Riley had, before Riley grew up and was finally free to be themselves. Arguably, they were more themselves out there than Zooble could ever be here, living as an anthropomorphic mess. So, by god, they could relate more than anyone. And it was easy to see that, were this not a digital hellscape, Jax's end would have been far more permanent.
Suppose everyone deserves a second chance, they thought.
Having exhausted their "search", Zooble made their way to the Dorm Hall. They stopped in front of Jax's door, taking a deep breath before knocking. No response. Of course. Part of them wanted to turn back right away, but they needed to push through. They owed it to Pomni. To their girlfriend. To the entire circus. And to the scared little rabbit on the other side of that door. So they opened the unlocked door.
Jax's key collection was large enough to have kept the door locked. They wanted someone to reach out.
The room was dark, and Zooble could only faintly make out the rabbit-shaped figure sitting up in the bed in the corner. The light from outside shone in their eyes as they looked up, and for just a second, Zooble could see a glimmer of expectation in Jax's eyes before it quickly disappeared again.
'Oh, it's you. Ever heard of privacy? You wouldn't want me to walk in on you and your little girlfriend having some alone time, would you, Zoobie?' They grinned in such a forced way that it seemed like a grimace.
Zooble shut the door behind them with significant force, immediately annoyed at the big toddler's snarky personality, before trudging over to the bed. They wanted to say something even snarkier in return, if only to put some respect on their girlfriend's name. But admitting to how easily they got under their skin like that, especially regarding something so intimate that they shared with Gangle, would only rile up Jax further. So, instead, they turned on the bedside light and stared down at Jax until they calmed down. Quickly, something stood out to them. 'Nice bow.'
Jax's smirk disappeared immediately. They reached for the bow and tugged it off their head. 'S-shut up. Pomni wanted to play dress-up. Pathetic. She should keep her weird ass kinks for someone else, I'm not interested.'
'You know, she tries and tries and tries with you, even when everyone else has long given up. And still, you act like a stubborn teenager. What's your deal?'
One of their long ears twitched. 'My deal is that you all seem to have made peace with being stuck here forever, in a whole new ring of Hell, looking like pathetic excuses of video game characters, and you're treating me as if I'm the crazy one for not accepting that!'
Zooble shrugged. 'You were the one always claiming to be having fun. What does it matter if you look like a humanised rabbit on crack? Aren't we all used to our new selves by now? Hell, I'm kinda digging my whole toy factory vibe. Feels like it captures my essence pretty well.'
Jax pulled at their ears, frustrated. 'Maybe it's part of your vibe, but being … this … isn't mine! I don't like it!' Their voice quivered.
Bingo, Zooble thought. They narrowed their eyes, really looking at the other person. 'So, then, what is your vibe, Jax?'
Their face faltered, semi-permanent smug expression making space for something akin a struck dog. Zooble knew that look all too well, in their own, messy way. Total confusion and a sprinkle of denial. The question was clear enough, and anyone else would have been able to answer it to some degree, even if it were fully rehearsed. But not Jax. And throughout most of their teenage years, neither could Zooble. It was too direct a question. Unexpected, and in turn, hard to spontaneously respond with humour.
'Jax … Don't shut us out, man. Talk to us.'
Tears welled up quickly and fell cartoonishly thick onto Jax's overalls. They attempted to wipe them away, undoing them so no one would ever catch them in this moment, mentally searching redo, redo, redo, even though they already had a witness. When they noticed Zooble's worried expression, they uttered: 'Fuck, I look ridiculous. And I thought crocodile's tears were bad.'
'Jax.'
'If my mom could see me now, she'd—' Their pupils turned into the narrowest slits.
'JAX! Fuck, you're insufferable, and I hate your guts,' Zooble said before quickly embracing Jax with all they got, a mix-and-match of parts locking them against each other. The purple rabbit blinked in confusion, far more by the act of kindness than the unwarranted insult. In the privacy of their own bedroom, they allowed themselves to melt into the touch.
Finally, Jax spoke up again, quietly. 'Pomni—'
Zooble straightened themselves. '—is trying her best,' they finished for Jax. 'Let her in. She's got the heart we all lack, and none of us deserves. But she deserves better than a group of forever family that won't let her help in our hour of need until we all inevitably abstract. Do you want her to be left alone here with Caine of all people, or, err, beings?'
Jax grabbed their pillow, hugging it now that they'd lost the digital warmth of Zooble. 'You're confident, liked, and you bagged yourself a freaky, nerdy girlfriend. How would you abstract? You said yourself you loooooove it here now.'
'We've all got our shadows, Jax. I think ours overlap on certain points. Don't you think?'
A glimmer of understanding passed through the otherwise lifeless eyes; Then they slumped their shoulders again. 'Whatever. How can I talk about it when I don't even know what's wrong with me?'
'It can take a long fucking time to unlearn the values and demands that society forced upon us, you know. Family, even friends. Everyone likes to stick to a given binary that makes sense to their minds because it suits them. And when you turn out not to be the person they always assumed, they laugh in your face or leave, or both.' They watched as Jax physically cringed, jaw tensing and fingers twitching. For a second, their foot began to thump anxiously against the floor before they noticed and quickly shut it down. 'It sucks when everyone has life handed to them on a plate while you have to fight tooth and nail just to survive. Choiceless, you find a new family, and eventually, you watch those people leave, too. But hey, everything is temporary. The good and the bad. My real self seems to be thriving, and I'm happy for them because, hell, if they did not deserve it after all those years. I'm sure that, in the real world, we would have gotten along, too. You know, in a place where you aren't an annoying rabbit who I wish I could strangle to death about twenty times a day.'
For the first time in weeks, Jax laughed. It started as an involuntary hiccup, slowly blooming into a stream of amused sobs. 'Gods, Zoobie. You have a real way with words, don't ya?' They shyly wiped away a small tear forming in the corner of their eye, sniffling the remainder of unpleasant emotions away.
'You know who else has a way with words? Pomni. Go talk to her, idiot.'
Determined and still a little shaken by Zooble's kindness, Jax stood up. 'I will! I will .. Fuck, what will I tell her? I don't even know—'
Before Jax could lose themselves to endless spiralling again, Zooble took them by the overalls and dragged them towards the door. Once opened, they both stopped in their tracks, surprised to find an anxious Pomni pacing the hall as she muttered words like "sorry" and a whole dictionary of self-blame. Seeing their dearest friend like that, Jax's heart clenched with guilt.
'Oh! H-hi there,' Pomni stuttered as soon as she saw them. 'I wasn't eavesdropping! Just … um. Giving you space. I was just going to my room. Because I live here. We all do. Yeah. Yeah! So … See you?' Her voice quivered, and it only made Jax feel more like shit. The look Zooble was giving them only made the pit in their stomach deeper.
'PomPom, can we talk?' Jax crossed their arms in an attempt to seem nonchalant, but the softness in their voice gave away how much of that was acting. Subsequently, Pomni's tense posture eased, and she nodded gratefully. She switched places with Zooble, who gave her a reassuring nod and disappeared as soon as Jax's door closed behind them.
For a moment, they stood together in the dimly lit room, feeling as if someone had pushed pause on them. Here they were, with Jax finally on the verge of talking things out rather than bottling every bad feeling up until they exploded like a shaken soda bottle. But now that they had the perfect opening to talk, it felt like it would never happen at all. They were way out of their comfort zone. What would they say? Why can't they get out of their own head? Jax took a deep breath and remembered their conversation with Zooble. Taking a deep breath, they asked: 'Sit?'
Pomni nodded, and they shuffled towards the bed. Jax relaxed, chuckling softly to themselves when their friend had to jump on the bed, her short legs dangling down as if from a cliff. Things were so easy with their favourite jester, and they hated how they always seemed to ruin that. For both of them.
When Jax didn't immediately speak, Pomni signed. 'I'm sorry for never minding my own business. I get worried, especially when it comes to you. But it's clear that I made you uncomfortable, and that's not okay.'
'No! No … You didn't do anything. You never do anything wrong. Fuck. I just …' Jax anxiously thumped their foot against the carpeted floor. Pomni reached out, placing a hand supportively on their knee. Seeing her wide eyes, so full of safety and understanding, Jax wanted nothing more than to tuck her into their chest, letting her in even deeper than when she had wandered the dark corners of their abstracted mind. Just for a little bit, it seemed less daunting to open up. 'I'm sor—fuck. I … I'm a bad friend, Pomni. I shouldn't have said all of that. I didn't mean it. I didn't. I promise. I don't know why I said what I said.'
With zero hesitation, Pomni threw her arms around her friend, squeezing them as if they were a stress toy that needed to be emptied. 'You're not a bad friend, Jax. You're just carrying so much.'
Jax swallowed a breath, which in turn transformed into a pathetic wail, before they teared up again. They didn't want to cry. Not again. And as much as their digital body wished to shed tears, they had grown too exhausted from building up new walls every time someone managed to tear one down. So they hugged Pomni back with all they had left in them and stayed like that for minutes. For all they cared, it might have lasted for days. After all, they had time. And everything felt okay in this embrace.
Eventually, though, Pomni drew back, expression remaining soft and inviting. Gods, she really was an angel to Jax. 'I shouldn't have put that bow on you. I know I'm not Ribbit, and even if I were, I saw those memories without your consent, and it wasn't my place to assume.'
Jax shrugged. 'Whatever you were assuming, you were probably right. And … I liked it—the bow. I just can't put it on without feeling like an imposter or something like that. Like a f—shit, I can't even talk about it without sounding like an asshole. Without hating myself.' They took a deep breath. 'When I try to look the way I think I want to look, I feel like a clown—No offence. Or a failed drag queen who is getting egged halfway through her performance. Other times, I feel like I'm fucking running away. Like putting on a different … persona … is enough to run away from what I did to my mom. Maybe. Probably. I don't know!'
'She's probably alright, Jax.'
'Maybe. But the other she isn't.'
Pomni blinked, confused. As soon as Jax looked at her with that pained expression, embarrassment evident in their eyes, she understood. She held the other girl's hand, squeezing slightly. 'I'm sure that with time and the right people surrounding her, she will be alright, too.'
Jax sniffled, nearly all stubborn sense of self-defence gone. 'Even if it takes her forever to figure herself out?'
'Especially then. What else are we supposed to do for all of digital eternity? All we have is each other and time.'
'And a stupidly annoying immortal AI with a god complex always breathing down our necks with that big mouth of his.'
Pomni chuckled, wiping away a tear of her own. 'I missed you, Jax.'
'Well, I don't think I was ever fully that version of me. Besides, you're a real masochist if you missed some silly guy whom everyone else despised, you know. Do you have any sense of self-respect?'
Pomni rested her head against the rabbit, laughing awkwardly. 'Maybe not. But I'm excited to get to know you over and over again, Jax. Every version of you. And I'm sure the others do too.'
Jax's ears flattened at that. She felt Pomni's hand entwine itself with hers, and as if by second nature, she moved hers to make them fit perfectly together. They sat like that for an eternity, or at least a percentage of it; Jax felt a sense of comfort that directly paralleled the dread she had felt while abstracting. She wasn't sure what her real self was going through right now, whether she had made peace with her deepest darkest secrets yet or was still coping in her own harmful ways. But she felt one jump closer to a sense of happiness she used to only dream of. And it was all thanks to a pretty jester, a chess piece, a bundle of ribbon unbearable emotions, a rag doll and a set of artificial teeth.
And Zooble. Couldn't forget them.
Jax smirked, feeling more like herself than ever. 'So, how about you magical girl that bow back, huh, Sailor Moon?'
With a pretty bow attached to her ears and a loyal friend attached to her side, digital hell suddenly became a lot more bearable.