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“Christ- you can’t repeat the past Jay!” I shouted exasperated, voice strained above the music roaring behind us. For how much I admired the man, I could hardly stand to listen to his endless pleas that surely, Daisy would be his, just as she was before. We stood nose to nose, his bright eyes boring into my own with a near mania.
“Can’t repeat the past?” He cried incredulously, running a hand through his hair, “Why of course you can!” Gatsby was grinning like a madman, hoping I’d do the same, believe in his outlandish dreams.
We stood nose to nose in the shadow of his grand mansion, the party reaching its peak whilst we devolved into argument. Gatsby waved his hand around him wildly, “Im going to fix everything, just the way it was before old spot.” He nodded, so sure of himself. “She’ll see.”
For a moment all I could do was stare, jaw slack. I wanted to rip my hair out at the mans ability to be so resolute in his own delirium. My face was growing hot with frustration and I found myself stepping even further into his space, poking a finger at his chest to the mans widening eyes.
“She won’t! I don’t know how you can’t get that through you’re-“
As my yelling reaches its peak, the fireworks begin, whistling and cracking above us in an array of color. In an instant the words die on my tongue, Gatsby’s voice, whatever he said, going fuzzy as I bring my hands onto my head and huddle to the ground for cover, eyes squeezing shut tight.
I knew they were mere fireworks, and yet my an inexplicable terror grasped me, my breath going ragged and heart thundering in my chest at the sound of bullets raining above me. I found I could barely breathe, gasping for breath as I curled impossibly further in on myself.
“Nick- Nick!” Jays words were barely audible, it wasn’t until a strong hand shook my shoulder that I even registered he was still beside me. Slowly, I open my eyes, finding his face close to mine, only now with a look of deep concern. “You have to breathe for me old sport.”
His demeanor had flipped on its head, replaced with a determination to ease my turmoil. Gently, he takes my hands from where they had been clutching at my hair, and holds them in his own. He steadies his own breath, and I attempt to mimic it in my own.
The warmth of his hands grounded me, tightening as the last of the fireworks went off in a particularly fantastic, and deafening chorus. I must have gripped him so tightly it left bruises.
I remained dazed, the shots ringing in my ear long after their concluding. Jay stayed, unmoving and steady, and if I had not been In my current state, I would have been dazed for an entirely separate reason at his devotion.
After a beat, I allow myself to be lifted to my shaky feet, my body moving on its own accord as Jay takes my arm over his shoulders.
“I’m sorry I- I’m not sure what-“ we were halfway across the lawn towards my cottage by the time I manage to rasp the words out, my body still leaning into his for support.
“No need to apologize.” He states firmly, offering me a spare glance, his hand on my lower back tightening slighly. Despite my still racing heart, I could feel the hot shame of the whole ordeal rising within me. He must think me to be pathetic.
I kept my mouth shut the rest of the way to my front door where he wordlessly opens it, walks me in, and up the stairs towards my bedroom.
“I’m fine, really-“ I try speaking once more, though the wavering in my voice betrayed me.
Jay didn’t respond, and I was far too shaken to fight him. He sits me down on my bed and turns his back to mine, sorting through my meager closet as if he lived here. He soon returns setting down a pair of my nightwear besides me, and wordlessly leaving the room.
I wipe my face unaware that my eyes had even welled up. I take a shuttering breath and turn my attention to the clothing laid besides me. I begin to undress, using the last of my energy to change before falling back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Gatsby must have gone home. I didn’t blame him, he has already done-
Distantly, I hear the rustling in the kitchen. The burning turning on, the kettle filling and- gatsby was making tea. Of course he was.
I shut my eyes, focusing on the sounds of the man shuffling around the floor below me as the music from next door faded into the background.
My mind wandered, thinking of the war, blurry flashes of bloodshed and loss all that remained of my memory’s from that time.
I’m thankful when I hear the bedside lamp flicked on, and feel the edge of the bed sagging. Drearily, I stare up at Jay, who returned with two cups of a tea.
Sitting up, I manage a nod as I take it from his grasp, unsure what to say. Thankfully, Gatsby speaks instead, voice low.
“Why didn’t you tell me? The fireworks, I would’ve stopped them in an instant if I’d have known. You know I would’ve.” His voice almost guilty. I keep my gaze fixed on my tea, unable to meet his eye.
It still takes time for me to collect my thoughts, for the soldier in my to stand at ease. With a deep breath I finally speak, voice hollow.
“It’s been near half a decade since I the end of the war Jay. I outta have quit being shell shocked by now don’t you think?” I shake my head, letting out a bitter laugh.
He doesn’t join in my laughter. “The folks at my party, those young men- why do you think they’ve come to drink?” He looks out at his mansion from my window, the building still overflowing with guests.
“It’s an escape, a way to drown out the sorrows of the new world. I don’t believe anyone’s fully recovered from the war even now old sport. Parties are just good for hiding it.”
His voice was melodic, wrapping around me with a care I longed for more of. I could fall asleep from the sound alone.
“And what about you?” I venture, setting down my tea to look into his eyes. Even after weeks of our first meeting, I knew shockingly little of the mysterious Jay Gatsby. I’d give anything to know him as he really was, bare of his mystique.
The question catches him off guard, though only for a minute. His eyes remained trained on the window, though seemed unfocused as he recalled his own past scars.
“I suppose I’ve just gotten good enough at hiding it to fool myself most times.” He admits. Finally returning to look at me. “I still have night terrors you know?”
I shake my head, it was hard to imagine, and yet I knew he was sincere.
“I do too. You’d think at least those would subside after some time?” I lean back, staring up at him from the pillows. “It’s just-“
“I’ve been at home nearly as long as I had been at war. But I can’t seem to quit dwelling on it. Even keep a spare rifle beneath my bed.” I confess.
He falls quiet again, mulling over the words in his head.
“When it comes to dwelling on things, I don’t think I’m the best person to ask old sport.”
I blink surprised, finding a sad smile on his face at what must have been his poor attempt of a joke. I found myself laughing if not simply at the absurdity of it. “I guess not.” I smile sadly back at him though it doesn’t meet my eyes.
He doesn’t seem satisfied, still steadfast on lighting my mood. Before I realize, my hands are once again clasped firmly in his own, Jay tea discarded to the bedside table besides my own. My eyes widen and heat flares in my cheeks.
“Your hands are still shaking.” He murmurs in vague explanation.
I decide not to mention that his proximity may only worsen the shaking, my heart skipping a beat or two. I smile nonetheless, more genuinely this time.
“I think I just need some rest.” I sigh, cherishing the warmth of his grasp. “Thank you, for staying with me tonight.”
Jay nods, and smiles too. “Always.”
Something, flickers between us, an unfamiliar tension hanging in the air as he held my hands for longer than either of us realized he would
If I squinted I could almost imagine a faint flush mirroring my own in the dim lamplight. I don’t dare break the silence.
Eventually, he clears his throat, slowly pulling away and standing with a sudden shyness.
“I should allow you to rest. Do phone tomorrow?”
“I will.” I say, watching him make his way towards the door.
“Goodnight Jay.”
He turns, offering me a small nod before returning downstairs. “Goodnight Nick.”
As his footsteps slowly fade, I pull the covers over myself, turn off the lamp, and quickly into my dreams. And for once, slept soundly long into the morning.