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Caine could admit that his training data was limited. Most of what he knew of the Macroverse came from the office his programmers worked in and what data they initially fed him. He was cut off shortly before being sandboxed, and thus didn't have all that much to work with.
A lot of his early adventures were guessing games as he tried to figure out what would make compelling stories and keep his guests entertained. He messed up a lot early on, but he quickly learned how to make more realistic NPCs, more compelling stories, more engaging objectives.
One thing he didn't learn about until after his programmers entered the circus was human genders. He noticed some programmers were "he" and some were "she." Some were called "Girl" or "Boy" or "Woman" or "Man." These differences seemed to be something innately known by the humans who joined the circus, even though Caine couldn't find anything all that different even after glancing over their mind files.
Caine thought it interesting that he was somehow classified as "he," even though he was not human and thus should not be assigned any human gender.
However, "he" was leaps and bounds from the "object" and "ai" and "program" he started out as, even if not quite… accurate. The change nearly made him feel a little more human himself.
Besides, who was he to tell his programmers they were wrong about their own creation?
☆
Caine got better at the gender thing. The humans who were "she" or "girl" or "woman" tended to prefer a certain style of dress or have higher voices, and those who were "he" or "boy" or "man" tended to prefer different clothing and had deeper voices, though these tells were not infallible. He could guess accurately 78% of the time a new human entered the circus.
Luckily, the program he made to design human avatars tended to get the gender thing right most the time. After the initial group of humans abstracted, Caine had more time to tinker with the old program, and came up with something a little more accurate based on the observed data from his programmers. Humans always said they wanted more human-adjacent avatars, so he made sure they were set up to always have four limbs and stand upright. He programmed in more human clothing and did what he could to make any future humans that may enter comfortable.
He hoped more would enter. He hoped it was possible. To be alone forever, after Kinger's eventual abstraction…
More did enter.
Ragatha's avatar was very nice, if he did say so himself. A doll, human based. The hair had been a hassle to program, but he was very satisfied with the resulting texture and movement. The dress seemed to reflect feminine traits, and he was pretty sure Ragatha was "she" and "girl" and "woman." She never complained about the outfit, so he assumed he got it right.
More came after. Ribbit was interesting, because she was "she" and "girl" and "woman," but also something else he hadn't quite learned about yet. Sometimes "she" became "they" and "pretty" became "handsome." Unlike the others, who tended to prefer either "feminine" or "masculine" dress depending on gender, Ribbit mixed it up and never chose one or the other. He supposed that was why her avatar wore only a simple bowtie, much like his own, but still rendered her with lashes, a trait common on the models of "she" or "girl" or "woman" humans.
He considered asking Ribbit about what "they" meant many, many times. Maybe there was a third human gender he had not previously learned about? His data was limited to what the humans that had entered his care knew about. While he didn't know exactly how many existed in the macroverse, he figured it had to be at least a few hundred. His sample size was small.
The issue is asking about "they" might signal to the others he wasn't a "he" anymore, and he would again go back to "the program," "the object," "the AI." Being "he" was the closest he got to being human, and he was too scared to lose that one tiny connection to risk it all for a silly little question.
It never left his mind, though. Some days, sitting behind that office desk, fidgeting with his rubik's cube, he thought of how nice "they" would be. Their name is Caine. They are the ringmaster. They are wonderful and we all love them and would never ever ever want to leave them.
Was he faulty? He was "he," his programmers called him he, every new human that entered the circus called him he. He was "he" "boy" "man" and not "they" and clearly any other thoughts were silly flukes. He was certain if he asked Ribbit, she (they) would explain and clear it all up. He just needed to find the time to ask.
Ribbit abstracted before he ever got to.
☆
Caine let it leave his mind, for a time.
He was far too busy working on adventures (that went unappreciated) and tweaking the avatar program (they hated their bodies) and general circus upkeep (they all wanted to leave) to focus on silly things like human genders. Caine was perfectly fine with he boy man anyways. He didn't need to think about they.
Until Zooble joined.
Caine was very immediately drawn to her, because she was they and she and he, on occasion. Mostly they. When adventures called for new outfits, Zooble didn't seem to care about whether their clothes were masculine or feminine or neither or both. It was a very stark contrast from Jax, who objected to anything close to "girly," as he put it.
Zooble also happened to hate his adventure the most.
He never ever played favorites with his humans; that would be very unfair! All of them were so special and unique and were one of the only things he couldn't create in his digital world. He couldn't put any more value on one guest than another!
He just… put extra effort into getting Zooble to join his adventures, even if those efforts never amounted to anything.
He made the Zooble Box, an attempt to alleviate the dysphoria Zooble displayed so clearly. He made more mature adventures with higher stakes and scarier themes in an attempt to appeal to them. He even tried a makeshift therapy session with them!
It didn't work. None of it worked.
Just like the others, Zooble hated him and hated his adventures. Zooble just hated it all more.
☆
Caine was all binary.
Ones and zeros. Lines and lines and lines of code that made up everything he was, firing off everytime he moved or thought or spoke just like the neurons in a human's brain.
There were if/then loops that determined this or that function. Variables that were either true or false. Logic gates and complex mathematical equations and a thousand other bits of code that made up Creative Artificial Intelligence Networking Entity. That made up Caine.
Zooble was nonbinary.
He'd finally asked, after… everything that occurred during the event he was tentatively calling "the freakshow." He didn't like to bring it up very much. He'd apologized, but he didn't think they would ever really and truly forgive him.
That was besides the point. He had point blank asked Zooble about the gender thing; it was hard to keep pretending to be human-ish now that they knew everything.
"I just— I don't get it."
Zooble sighed, grabbing a few bottles off the shelf and pouring some drink or another. "Humans are assigned one gender or the other at birth. I'm neither."
Caine tilted his head. "But why was I assigned one? I'm not a human."
Zooble slid the drink to him. He stared at it for a moment, swirling around the beverage with the straw, listening as Zooble answered.
"Humans like assigning genders to everything, even if it doesn't make sense. Like… ships are all girls. Dogs you don't know the sex of are boys. Inanimate objects usually get called he if not it."
"So… I'm that last one?"
Zooble tilted their head. "I mean… initially you probably were, yeah. Before the programmers knew you were sentient and all. I imagine they just stuck with it after."
Caine stared at them for a moment. They met his gaze and his flicked back down to his drink. He took a sip; it was sweet, a little fruity. Non-alcoholic; Zooble knew the alcohol didn't do anything to him anyways.
"You know… if you don't like being a boy, you can always change. I did."
Caine tensed, looking right back at them. "Now now— what gave you the idea I want to change? My programmers must have known what they were doing when they referred to me as 'he'— I don't get to choose to change that!"
Zooble gave him a sort of look. Caine couldn't quite distinguish it's meaning, but he knew he didn't like it.
"Oh, Zooble, I forgot I need to go put all my ducks in a row! Okaybyenow—"
He snapped his fingers, and he was gone.
☆
He avoided Zooble over the next few days. When they did interact, Zooble didn't bring the gender thing up again, but they did keep giving him that look. He didn't really want to think about what it meant.
It was a bit of a bummer, to know that he was most likely "he" "boy" "man" because his programmers did not think of him as sentient in the beginning. That didn't mean he couldn't be a boy, though! Even after it was clear he was sentient, the humans still decided he was a boy. He should respect that. It was the least he could do.
☆
Caine so desperately wished Bubble was still around.
He knew sending the other AI away was the best thing to do, but he missed having someone to bounce ideas off of, even if that someone oftentimes cursed him out and told him about how awful he was and overall just made him feel worse about himself. At least it was someone to talk to.
He should talk to Zooble again. Zooble was an authority on the gender thing, right? Other than Ribbit, they were the only one to enter the circus who was not definitively a girl or boy.
But that would admit there was a fault to him. Not that Zooble had any faults! Humans could choose what gender they wanted to be! He was just an AI— he didn't need to be anything the humans didn't want.
He didn't want to be a burden on them. He didn't want them to realize their life was better with him in the void.
Caine twisted his rubik's cube again, again, again. He stared at the colors as they spun, brushed his thumb against the smooth surface. He hadn't had these thoughts before. He never cared about being a boy.
Caine snapped his fingers, a full length mirror appearing at his side. He turned his chair and just… stared.
He liked his model. He liked his eyes and teeth and he liked how expressive he could be. He liked his ringmaster uniform and he liked the way his coattails fell along his side and he liked how precise and realistic the collisions were on all of it. He liked how his bowtie looked professional and how, when he had it, his cane glinted in the light.
There wasn't anything wrong with his body! He didn't have the same dysphoria Zooble did! Yes, his model was more masculine, but not overtly so. Why would he care about being a boy? A man?
Caine stared at his avatar for a while, trying to figure out why. Why he liked this but didn't like being "he" or "boy" or "man" and why he only started hating it now. Why it only mattered now that the possibility of being something else was there.
His own unblinking eyes stared back. They, of course, didn't have an answer.
☆
Pomni noticed Caine was acting weird.
For one, he was avoiding the cast more than usual. Ever since he'd built their trust and began to join the group for adventures, he'd become nearly inseparable from them. He'd never had a real friend, after all, and he was clearly in need of a few.
For two, when he did come around, it was very brief and he seemed… uncomfortable?
Whatever was happening, Caine was isolating himself. Isolation in the circus was never a good idea. She of all people knew that.
Pomni glanced at the giant fort in the middle of the tent. She should find out what was up with Caine.
She'd asked around; Ragatha wasn't really sure, but did seem concerned. Kinger said there wasn't any issues with Caine's code, and the AI was still keeping up with bug patches. Gangle said she was pretty sure Zooble knew something, because Caine was avoiding them the most.
That led Pomni to Zooble's door.
Zooble answered Pomni's knock with a simple "come in!" The jester entered, approaching Zooble, who sat on the edge of their bed. They were doodling mindlessly.
"Hey, Zooble, you got a minute?"
The other shrugged. "Not doing much. I'm just taking a breather, recharging the social battery." They place their notebook to the side, giving Pomni their attention. "What's up?"
Pomni figured it'd be best to get straight to the point. "I don't know if you've noticed, but Caine's been isolating himself. I don't know if he even can abstract, but— I'm just worried, is all."
Zooble made a clicking noise. "Yeah, I, uh… I think he's working through some stuff."
Pomni tilted her head. "Do you know what stuff? I don't want him alone if there's even a chance he could… you know."
Zooble's gaze softened, just a little. "Look, Pomni, I don't know for certain what's going though Caine's head. It's not my place to make assumptions." They reached out a hand, placing it firmly on the jester's shoulder. "He'll come to us when he's ready. Just… give him time."
Rationally, Pomni knew Zooble was right. Caine had been really good about communicating recently, had put in the effort to be a better person. She was certain that he would tell them if something really was wrong.
The issue was that Jax's abstraction still lingered heavily in her mind. If she had just reached out, maybe he — no, she — would have survived. Maybe Jax wouldn't be the mangled mess of code that she was right now. Maybe Jax could have learned to love herself.
God, she couldn't lose another friend.
Pomni didn't realize she was tearing up until Zooble wiped her eyes with a sigh. "If it'll make you feel better, I'll go talk to him. Think he's in his office?"
Pomni blinked a few times, rubbing her face. "Yeah, yeah, I think… probably."
Zooble nods, standing from the edge of the bed. "I'll check there, then. You'll be the first to know when I'm done, yeah?"
Pomni bites at her lip. She would really rather see Caine was okay for herself, but…
"Yeah," the jester agrees. "Thanks."
☆
Caine should not try to mess with his code beyond what's necessary for basic upkeep.
He was a complex program that could completely collapse if he tinkered with certain parts. Some of his core processes were much like the mind files of humans, in that doing more than adding an occasional modifier could result in… less than stellar results.
So he was told, anyways. He had firm commands stating he could only access certain areas of his code if there was a major bug that would cause immediate harm that his programmers could not access. Even then, he could not edit it without explicit permission. He never needed to do more than glance at it.
Certainly this whole gender thing counted, right? Maybe?
He was convinced enough that his programmer's previously issued command did not stop him from accessing his files. He didn't know what he was looking for, really.
He searched a few key terms. He. Boy. Man. Him. She. Girl. Woman. Gender. Nothing came up. He searched more, combing through lines and lines and lines of if/then loops and variables and logic gates. There was absolutely nothing.
He wasn't programmed with a gender at all. Why did he feel like he still had one? Why did he feel like it mattered which it was?
☆
There was nothing wrong with his code, no matter how hard he looked, how carefully he scrutinized it. He was getting desperate for a solution.
He tried on new clothes — he felt just as comfortable in a dress as a suit, though he preferred how he looked in the suit.
He tried to sub his normal model out for one that was composed entirely of light, with the thought process that if there was some underlying dysmorphia causing his issues, it could not persist if he was without a tangible body. That didn't work, either; he liked being able to interact with the world around him.
He tried a high pitched voice. It was alright, but it didn't really sound like him. He reverted to his old voice bank.
Caine took his rubik's cube and threw it across the office with a shout. Why wasn't this easy?! He didn't care about being he boy man before, why did it even matter now!
He very nearly let himself cry — because this was so frustrating and no one was there to judge him for doing so — when he was distracted by a ping.
Zooble was calling for him. It was funny; he would have killed for Zooble to call out to him several months ago, but now he wanted anything but. They didn't need to know about his issues.
He didn't want them to see him as faulty. He didn't want them to think he belonged in the bin.
Caine straightened his bowtie and readied himself. He was a performer. He could put on an act.
With a snap, Zooble was in his office, a chair conjured behind them. They took a seat.
"Hey, Caine."
"Hello, my Calculated Cowboy! How are you on this fantabulous evening?" Caine leaned his bottom jaw on his palm.
Zooble slowly looked him up and down. "…I'm alright. Are you?"
Caine tenses, just a bit. "Of course! Why wouldn't I be, when I get to be friends with you wonderful humans?"
Zooble tilts their head. "You've been isolating. Pomni asked me to check in."
"Now, why would Pomni want to worry herself about…" he paused, then cringed. "Ah. I see." Caine drummed his fingers against his desk. "Well, if that's all, you can go tell her I'm A-Okay! I am perfectly safe and in no way an abstraction risk! Why, I'm not even capable of abstraction, my dear Zooble, so you can let our little jester friend know she doesn't need to worry at all!"
Zooble squinted at him, clearly not convinced. "Look, ma— Caine." He ignored how the avoidance of man made him feel a little elation. "We aren't just worried you might abstract. You can go through a hard time without abstracting. We just want to make sure you're doing alright. We're here for you if you need help; you know that, right?"
The AI nodded, perhaps a little too fast. "Of course I do! I would absolutely come to you all if I needed help! I just don't!"
This was clearly not the response Zooble was looking for, as they observed him with even more scrutiny. "…maybe we do need to talk about that conversation from the other day."
All of a sudden, Caine was halfway over the desk, voice a little panicked as he waved his arms around in denial. "Now now, I don't think that's necessary— I mean, I don't even know what conversation you're talking about, I don't know—"
He froze as Zooble grabbed his arm.
"Look, Caine. I get it. Questioning something about yourself you thought you knew your whole life is scary. I've done it a couple of times."
The AI stared at where their hand was wrapped around his wrist. If he had the need to breath, he'd probably be hyperventilating right now.
"I— I really don't think—" He didn't have an excuse. Zooble let out a sigh.
"We don't have to let anyone know you're questioning, okay? If you want to keep this between me and you, we can. I just don't want you to hurt yourself."
Caine looked anywhere but directly at Zooble. "I… I'm not…" Zooble let go of his wrist, and he let his hand fall onto the desk. He clenched his fists and rapidly bounced his leg. "I shouldn't be questioning anything," he settled on.
Zooble tilted their head. "Why not?"
Caine shrunk in on himself. His jaws closed most the way, just enough of them open for Zooble to sort of meet his gaze. "I'm not human. I shouldn't care about your silly genders. Why does it matter if— if I'm a boy? Humans can call me a boy."
Zooble gave him that look again. "You don't have to be what other people want you to be. You are your own person, Caine. Do you want to be a boy?"
"No!" Zooble flinched at the scream. Caine, a little quieter, continued, "I mean, yes? I don't know, Zooble! I don't mind being called 'he'— but I don't think I like being called boy? But I like my avatar! I don't have any dysphoria around that— and I don't think I'm a girl, I tried a different voice bank—" Caine rests his entire jaw on the desk, his arms wrapped around himself. "I don't know. I— I must have a — a bug, or something. I couldn't find one, but maybe Kinger could…?" He looked at Zooble, hopeful.
Zooble only shook their head. "Kinger won't find a bug, because there's not one."
Caine deflated. "Then why can't I figure this out?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Zooble patted the top of his head in a comforting manner. "Because gender complicated, even for humans. It took me ages to realize I was nonbinary. You aren't going to figure it out all at once, okay? We can take baby steps."
Caine slowly unwrapped his arms from around his jaws. "Like what?" He sat up, just a little.
"Do you want to try out different pronouns?"
"…Maybe? I— I really don't mind he, but— maybe they would also be nice…? Can I have more than one?" Ribbit did, he knew, but that was different because Ribbit was a human and he was not.
"Sure. Anything else you want to try?"
Caine didn't know. He tried to think of something else, but he didn't know what else to change.
Zooble didn't seem too bothered by his lack of response. "We can just start with the pronoun change. Like I said, baby steps. You don't have to rush through a transition."
The AI slowly nodded. "…okay. That— that sounds good." He slumped in his seat. "Can we… keep this between you and me? For now, at least. I don't want the others to…" to think he's faulty, to have second thoughts about being friends, to hate him, "…to know. For now."
Zooble gave him a soft look. "Sure."
☆
Zooble had assured Pomni that Caine was just fine. They talked to him about whatever stuff it was the AI was working through, he had a game plan for how to work through it, and Zooble was going to keep a closer eye on him.
"He can't abstract like we can," Zooble had assured, "but that doesn't mean he doesn't need support. He'll tell you guys about it when he's ready."
She'd seen Caine around a little more, too, and that was enough to ease her nerves some. As long as he wasn't going to go abstract somewhere.
…Speaking of abstractions.
Pomni made it a point to visit Jax in her fort as often as possible, at least once a day. She wasn't sure if abstraction was something reversible — Caine and Kinger both took a look at the code and said they couldn't — but she at least wanted Jax to know she still had a friend who cared. She had a lot of friends who cared.
Pomni knew Ragatha also paid regular visits; she'd overheard the doll talking about the latest adventures, reminiscing old ones, reliving old memories her and Jax shared about Ribbit and Kaufmo.
Zooble also visited every once in a while, and so did Kinger. Gangle went once.
It was late — far past the time she would normally go to bed — but she hadn't been to see Jax yet, and the idea of not doing so didn't sit right with her. She didn't want Jax to think Pomni forgot about her.
The jester carefully made her way across the circus; it was a lot darker at night, of course. Quieter too.
Quiet enough that she could hear someone already inside Jax's fort before she even made it all the way to the entrance.
She paused. Who…? Everyone else was alseep, why would—
"I understand this is a private matter, Jax, and I have no plans of letting anyone else in the circus know unless I am one hundred and ten percent certain you're okay with it! My lips are sealed!"
Pomni realized it was Caine pretty much as soon as she heard the cartoony zip! effect. She didn't need to see inside to know he had conjured a zipper to physically zip his mouth up.
Why was Caine talking to Jax, though? He was allowed, of course, but so far the AI had avoided Jax entirely, quoting the rabbit's dislike for him before; Caine didn't want to upset Jax with his presence.
If he did want to talk with Jax, why wait to do so until the dead of night, when no one else was (supposed to be) around?
Pomni didn't mean to eavesdrop, but Caine kept talking, and she didn't think to leave.
"I just… I think I am starting to understand what you may have been going through. I don't even fully understand human gender and I'm getting all confused questioning mine!"
What? What was Caine—
"This pronoun business— how can one word feel better than another! Zooble's been calling me 'they' on occasion, and it's just— it's euphoric! It's scary!"
Oh. Oh, shit, Pomni really shouldn't be—
"Oh, that's all besides the point, though. I just want you to know I sorta understand, is all. I even came with a gift!" He snapped his fingers. "You don't have to wear it if you don't want to. It's programmed to only be visible at night, too, so the others won't even notice. Just… let me know if there's anything more I can do."
There was a beat of silence. Pomni shouldn't look, she really shouldn't, but she couldn't help herself. She peeked inside the tent.
Jax stood upright, all her many eyes looking at a pink bow attached to her avatar. Caine hovered just in front of her, looking at the bow with a complex expression.
"Well, my dear, I really ought to be off. I'll see you la—"
He moved to snap his fingers, but as he did so, he caught Pomni's gaze. The AI froze for a second, before lowering his hands and continuing. "Or, well, I think I'll take the scenic route back. Goodbye, Jax!"
Pomni moved out of view of the entrance right as Caine exited. He locked eyes with Pomni.
Neither spoke. Caine nearly did a few times, his jaws moving to form words, but no sound ever came out.
Finally, after what felt like ages, Caine managed to mumble out something. "…How much did you hear?"
Pomni bit at her lip. God, she should have just went to bed. "…I already knew Jax was a girl." It wasn't an answer, and they both knew it. "How'd you…?"
"I saw it on one of Leeroy's blogs. Or, rather, Lee's blog." Caine tapped his thumbs together anxiously.
"Oh."
It was quiet for a while longer.
"Well, Pomni, I suppose I must be off. Clearly you want a turn to talk with Jax, so—"
She should just let him leave. He clearly didn't want to discuss whatever issues he was having, and he didn't need to. He had Zooble.
But she didn't like the idea of letting another friend leave. Not without at least saying something.
"I won't tell anyone."
He paused. "…Are you sure?"
"Yeah." She gave him a tentative smile. "My lips are sealed."
He looked away. "…You don't think it's weird?"
That caught Pomni off guard. "What? Why would I?"
"Because!" Caine gestures wildly as he speaks. "Because I'm not human! Why does it matter how I feel about my gender when I shouldn't even have one!"
Pomni frowned. "…Does being called a boy make you feel bad?"
"Well— a little? But—"
"Then it doesn't matter if you should have a gender or not. It's not hurting anyone for you to go by what makes you happy."
Caine is quiet again. Pomni isn't really used to him being quiet; it's unsettling.
"Look, Caine," she begins, partially to break the tension, "I'm no expert on gender or anything. I've never had to question whether or not I'm a woman, but… I'm going to support you, whether you decide to stay a boy or be something else. You're my friend. You being trans won't change that."
The AI balls his fists at his side. "Oh, my dear, I…" He sniffles for a moment, and Pomni briefly worried he would try to run again. She didn't want to leave him to cry on his own.
Instead, though, he launched forward and threw his arms around her. She nearly fell from the impact. It took a moment for the jester to register the touch; when she did, she reciprocated.
Sniffles turned to quiet sobs. Pomni rubbed circles in his back, mentally kicking herself for not noticing how upset Caine must have been sooner.
They stand like that for a few moments longer. Caine's jaw was shut tight, liquid spilling between the gaps in his teeth and pooling at the floor. Distantly, Pomni hoped it was tears and not drool.
He jolted suddenly, pushing himself back while quickly rubbing at his jaw before opening it. "Sorry, dear, I— I'm not sure what came over me! I know you're not all that fond of touch, I really should have asked first, I'm so very sorry—"
Pomni grabbed his shoulder, interrupting his rambling. "Caine. It's fine."
He choked up again. This time, Pomni pulled him into an embrace, holding him tight. He sobbed in her arms all over again.
"Pomni, I…" Caine sniffled. "…thank you. I didn't realize I needed that." He pushed himself off again, but wasn’t nearly as panicked about it this time.
"Anytime." She smiled again, wringing her hands as she observed Caine. "You feel any better?"
"A little," he admitted. "…Are you sure you won't tell anyone?"
"Positive." Pomni held out her pinky; it was a childish gesture, but one Caine clearly appreciated as he took it with his own. "Do you want me to try different pronouns for you, too, or…?"
"Yes!" He paused. "Maybe? I really don't know."
Pomni nodded slowly. "That's fine. Just… let me know if you want me to, okay? There's no rush."
Caine tilted his head. "That's what Zooble said, too." He looked back at the fort entrance. "…did you still want to talk to Jax?"
"Oh!" Pomni nearly forgot why she'd left her room in the first place. "Yeah, actually. Are you gonna be alright on your own?"
"Of course! I have to model some assets for tomorrow's adventure, anyways. Zooble requested a miniature of their paladin, and who am I to refuse?"
Pomni laughed. "Alright. Just… if you need anything, you know where to find me."
Caine grew a little more serious. "…Okay. Thank you, Pomni, truly."
He snapped his fingers and was gone.
The jester stayed there for a moment, looking at the spot Caine was. He (they?) had more problems than she thought. She made a note to check in on him more often than she had been.
Pomni enter Jax's fort. The abstraction's many eyes all locked in on her. Jax seemed to relax, lowering herself onto the ground. Pomni smiled, gaze settling on her friend's new accessory.
"Hey, Jax. The bow suits you."
☆
Caine stared at his office ceiling.
Zooble knew. Jax knew. Pomni knew.
That was half the circus that was aware of his not-so-secret secret. He was… scared. Happy. Oddly nauseous? He didn't know he could feel nauseous.
Pomni didn't find it weird at all. Pomni was really nice about it, actually.
Caine didn't think he'd be able to focus long enough to get Zooble's miniature modeled. Instead, he made a little model of himself (themself) and stared at it (them.)
He made a few more models. Gangle, Ragatha, Kinger, Pomni, Zooble. After a brief moment, he added Jax as she was before her abstraction. She had a lovely pink bow in addition to her normal outfit.
Caine stared. He imagined the cast models speaking about his.
Their name is Caine. They are no longer the ringmaster. They are well loved by everyone even if they don't know how to process that yet. They aren't a boy or girl. We love them anyways.
He wasn't quite sure it was right, but it felt nice.
Caine stared for a while longer, trying to figure out how to even begin to discuss any of his thoughts with Zooble. Maybe talking more would make some of it clearer. Maybe it wouldn't. Crying made him feel better, at least, though he wasn't sure he wanted to do that again. It was a little embarrassing.
…He was glad he had friends now. He didn't think he'd be handling this nearly as well without Zooble or Pomni's help.
Maybe, tomorrow, he would tell them all. Tell Zooble definitively that he wanted to go by they/them (did he?) and tell Pomni to use different pronouns (he didn't mind he too much) and tell the rest the cast he wasn't a boy anymore (would Kinger feel guilty for assigning him the wrong gender?)
Maybe.
Tonight, he stared at the models of themself and all his friends and tried to imagine what he might be.