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Lohen was always known to cause chaos wherever he went, for his enemies and especially for his troops during training. He always wanted his troops to be vigilant, saying that the enemy will be loads more cunning and creative than he was. While partly true, Lohen also had a sense of enjoyment seeing how the knights would squirm their way out of his traps every time. It was evident that Lohen had a passion for combat, even if obsessive, everyone could see it. To be on the battlefield was the best feeling ever; the adrenaline, the exhilaration, the fast tempo fights had. Lohen felt alive.
When Adorno passed away, Lohen had to spend time in solitary confinement for his misdeeds. While obviously being in confinement is something no one enjoyed, it gave Lohen the opportunity to grieve without any eyes on him. Just like he always did, he could simply scream and cry alone. No one would judge him or belittle for shedding crocodile tears. This time didn't need to be any different just because his father-figure, who he had spent so long trying to keep alive, had finally died.
Lohen took Adorno's death a lot harder than he had expected. He hated the sappy feelings that crept up on him when he least expected it. Always at the worst times. Often during battles with monsters, Adorno's voice would echo in Lohen's mind catching him severely off guard and making him lose focus, almost causing him grave injuries at times. He couldn't get lost in battles as he wished with these damn thoughts. Grief is a powerful thing, not even Lohen was stronger than grief. Lohen was reminded of how weak and powerless he felt when he had fought the Racher of Solnari. Only this time the feeling felt even worse. Just one blow after another. First, he failed in a big fight and ended up being a burden, his father-figure died, he's unworthy of earning a knightly title, now he can't even focus on battles. Could he do anything right?
It pissed him off that he was taking Adorno's death more seriously than he initially thought would happen. He felt powerless over the array of emotions that took over him silently. Like a quiet virus infiltrating his system, he couldn't get rid of it easily. He felt angry and frustrated that Adorno's life had to end the way it did. How he was such an outstanding and chivalrous knight in his prime. It all had to be dragged away by old age, decay and death. Lohen felt guilty over not being able to do more, how he wished he had more time with the old man.
This spiral of emotions ended up reflecting in Lohen's training regiments. Rather than vigorously testing the knights as he usually did, he was a lot colder and less co-ordinated. The knights noticed Lohen's lack of spark when it came to combat training; his passion and creativity were lost, and his usual lectures about remaining vigilant turned into cold, stern warnings. This version of Lohen creeped the knights out even more. This version of Lohen was cold, almost dead, simply a husk of only Lohen's body. Nothing else was recognisable. This quickly sparked chatter among the knights, but Lohen made no attempt to stop them. He really didn't care. Gradually, Lohen greatly started shrugging off his duties as vice-captain in favour of more reckless behaviour.
The feeling of powerlessness that Lohen swore to overcome was in full throttle now. He needed to get out of his grief and fast. Lohen never really minded physical pain, but mental pain was something he could never stand. Although he was no stranger to the monsters and demons in his head, he preferred not to deal with them at the forefront. He thought of Theodore and how he must be feeling. Theodore was always more emotional. Lohen was the one who bottled his feelings and dissociated from any kind of mental torment. Part of him took pride in his ability to set his deep feelings aside, able to forget, as long as he could take everything out on his enemies, he didn't care.
He could talk to Theodore, the person who understood exactly how he was feeling, but it would just end up in tears. He could talk to Varka, but he would give Lohen some grandiose speech about how it’s okay to be grieving, and force him to feel his emotions. Something Lohen almost always avoided at all costs. But he felt more alone than ever. No one to confide in. No one who truly understands him. Not like he wanted to let his emotions and feelings out anyway.
He began to seek out enemies to fight and slaughter to deal with this pain. Although Monstadt barely had any monsters that Lohen considered a challenge, fighting a large hoard of anything would prove to be challenging. If he was fighting a large enemy on its own, he would let himself get hit; sometimes he would lay on the ground after a harsh blow and wait to see what would happen, if the beast would finish him off or if he'd need to finish the job himself. Seeking out even small hoards of hilichurls and slimes, just to stave off boredom and watch them squirm and cry as his blades pierced their vitals. But nothing could satisfy him.
During this time, he rarely tended to his wounds. Large gaping holes in his body would drain his blood pretty quickly, but if he had to die he didn't want to die so pathetically. He wanted a better ending for himself. He believed he wasn't worthy enough of a grand death, but going out so miserably made Lohen's stomach churn. Fighting monsters so pathetically just made Lohen all the more miserable. But he couldn’t quit. He couldn’t stop. He wanted more. He would patch himself up, and allow himself to nibble on some fruit, justifying it by saying that he didn't deserve to die just yet. Not until he got much stronger. Not until he proved himself to actually be worthy of power and genuine respect.
But proved himself to who? The other knights? Varka? Adorno?
Himself?
During his monster hunt, he found himself at Wyrmrest Valley in Dragonspine. Wait, when did he end up in Dragonspine? When was he last in Dornman Port? In Mondstadt?
Eh, not like it really mattered to Lohen where he was at this point.
He welcomed the change in scenery, especially since it had been a long while since he was last in Dragonspine. Taking refuge at an abandoned Fatui camp, Lohen took some pleasure in the stillness the cold air and snow brought. The cold in Dragonspine was nothing new to him; it was similar to what he felt back in Nod Krai so he was used to it. Dragonspine’s landscape was much more natural compared to Nod Krai. It comforted Lohen that no other humans would rationally enter Dragonspine.
No one would think to look for me here, Lohen solemnly thought.
Lohen had heard of a Lawachurl beast deep within Dragonspine and wanted to hunt it down for his own amusement. Now he had the opportunity to do so. Now he could fight a real monster. Dragging his slightly limp body from the soft snow, Lohen set out to vanquish this mighty beast, settling who the stronger foe is. His cryo vision would pose a much greater challenge when fighting any enemy in Dragonspine, but you know Lohen. He welcomes any challenge with open arms. He could feel his classic cheeky smile across his face again and felt excited at this prospect of fighting the Frostarm Lawachurl. He started to feel alive again. Although Lohen was physically exhausted at this point, and the cold started getting to him, the adrenaline pumping through his blood helped him carry on. As he clambered up the mountain, Lohen felt his heavy armour weigh on him as it did when he first joined the Knights of Favonious.
. . . . .
Lohen shifted his thoughts to his upcoming opponent. He didn't know much about the Frostarm Lawachurl, but he thought the best course of action was to use its weight against itself, since he wouldn't be able to damage it much using cryo. He thought about all the different ways he could torture the monster until it gave out completely. He wondered if anyone would avenge his foe. The upcoming battle made Lohen all the more giddy, and his body slowly became lighter, allowing him to gain momentum up the mountain.
When he arrived at the Lawachurl's nest, it was resting so peacefully. The snow and cold made anything look peaceful. Lohen wouldn't pass up this opportunity for anything. He was desperate now. He wanted nothing more than to feel the thrill of battle once again. To feel his enemy fight till its last breath. He was longing to get lost in the fight no matter what happens. The frigid temperature and his exhaustion worked in tandem to make sure Lohen remained grounded in the pain he already was in. Nevertheless, he wanted to savour this battle as much as he could.
Lohen readied his dagger and polearm and awakened the beast with a quick stab in the stomach. He saw the beast let out a cry, but Lohen could only hear his heart pounding in his ears. Suddenly he felt his body being slammed against the hard ice. Then again. He slipped out of the beast's grip, putting some distance between them. He stabbed it in all directions he could. Unorganised, but painful to be on the receiving end. The monster hurled large ice shards in Lohen's direction. He dodged them all. He thinks he did. There was no time to think.
Lohen’s movements were more sporadic, unlike his usual organised, calculating self. He could feel his heart thumping against his chest, his ears ringing, his body fighting against itself. Although in a great amount of pain, he felt intoxicated by everything happening around him and to him. After some back and forth, he was finally able to make the beast fall on its back. Lohen stabbed it repeatedly until it was no longer fighting. But Lohen wasn't satisfied. He dug into its bloody chest, violently ripping its heart out. Crushing it with his bare hands. He stood alone on the snow, staring at the blood. His blood.
Ha... ha haha hahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Lohen won. He stumbled back against a rock and rested his body, hysterically laughing as the euphoria from battle took over his body. He was ecstatic he could enjoy the thrill of battle once again. He was alive again. Hope was not lost after all. Until he noticed the giant piece of ice piercing through his abdomen. He knew he wasn't going to die just yet. He could still feel adrenaline pulsing through his body. He was shaking. Crying. Manically laughing at himself. He didn't want this feeling to end just yet.
Although he adored the rush of adrenaline when in battle, there was something about the catharsis after a fight that Lohen liked. The way his body goes from a high to a low so suddenly, the way it stunned his body. The stinging pain from his wounds as the adrenaline wears off. The way his heart steadily goes to a slow, pained thumping rhythm. The calm, peaceful silence of the aftermath, this time amplified by the snow. He felt everything so intensely. Even now. Snow was quietly falling.
Lohen's chest felt heavier and colder; quick breaths turned to deep, slow ones. The snow became tainted with his blood. The bitterly cold air was still, yet heavy. He could barely move at this point. No one was coming for him, and part of him didn't want anyone to find him. But he was happy. His passion returned; his spark came alive once more. And he got to enjoy the thrill of a fight. Lohen's head was swarming with thoughts, but at least the demons and monsters in his mind were finally quieting down. And soon they'd never bother him ever again.