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The bedroom was cold, sharp. The air felt like tiny needles on Hyeongjun’s thin, dried out skin, covered by the big black hoodie he was always swallowed into all day long, comfortable in the way it hung off his sharp shoulders and did at least something to soothe the permanent coldness that has settled in his insides. Gunil felt the other’s body shiver.
He layed next to him, his stronger limbs tangled around Hyeongjun’s body, trying to pass his own body heat to him and hope the grip would protect the long-haired boy from anything that could bother him. He slowly opened his eyes, fluttering with sleepiness as the sunlight seeped through the window. Just when he looked down, Hyeongjun’s eyes fluttered open as well. Looking at the small clock on the nearby desk, Gunil noticed it was 10am already. He raised his head slightly and bringed his hand up from Hyeongjun’s back to his cheek, caressing it gently.
“Good morning, Junnie.” He mumbled, his voice still heavy with sleep. “Did you sleep well?” He tucked the stray hairs laying across Hyeongjun’s forehead behind his ear.
He didn’t answer with words really, just a lazy groan and the way his head hid deeper into Gunil’s shoulder, rubbing his nose and cheek against the warmth of his skin. The shorter man kept running his fingers along his hair, the roughness of the strands and the skin of his scalp.
“Do you want to stay in bed a little longer?” Gunil muttered, to which Hyeongjun replied with another nod of his head and another lazy groan, warm against the skin of the other’s shoulder.
Gunil smiled, leaning his chin over Hyeongjun’s head, just breathing in the quiet of the morning. He kept his arms wrapped tight around the larger hoodie, adjusting the thick blankets so it covered Hyeongjun all the way up to his nose. For a while, they just stayed in that snuggly, cuddly state, the only sound being the soft hum of the apartment.
They must have laid there for another twenty minutes, when a tiny, quiet noise broke the silence. A small, tiny rumble from Hyeongjun’s tummy. The relaxation of his body disappeared, replaced by a sudden tension of his shoulders. He didn’t pull away exactly, but he did pull his head away from Gunil’s shoulder just slightly, his breath hitching in his throat. Gunil could feel the exact moment the comfortable morning haze shattered, replaced by that familiar sorrow that always seemed to claw its way back into Hyeongjun’s eyes.
Gunil sighed softly, wishing he could fight all that haunted Hyeongjun so it’d leave once and for all. But recovery was a long, long process that couldn’t be dealt with with a sword and a cape. “...Hey.” Gunil murmured, his voice soft against Hyeongjun’s ear. He shifted slightly, pressing his cheek against the crown of his head. “It’s okay, don’t worry.”
Hyeongjun let out a shaky breath, burying his face so deep into Gunil’s collarbone, deeper than before, his voice came out muffled. “...I don’t like this”.
Gunil’s chest ached for the boy in his arms. He gave Hyeongjun a gentle kiss on his scalp, then slowly started to untangle his legs from the blankets. “I’ll bring you something okay? You don’t even have to get out of bed.”
“Gunil, wait-” Hyeongjun tried to complain, but he had already stood up from the bed. A sight escaped him, something between defeat and yielding. “...Can it be oatmeal?”
“You like it plain, right?” Gunil asked, looking back with a soft smile. “I’m already on it, just wait a bit.”
He padded out to the kitchen, the cold floor biting at his socks. He kept it simple like he remembered, stirring the oats and the hot water in a pot. He didn’t add anything else, knowing that otherwise Hyeongjun would just feel even more uneasy around it. While it was cooking, Gunil grabbed a yogurt for himself. He didn’t want Hyeongjun to feel like he was being watched while he tried to eat.
When Gunil walked back into the bedroom, Hyeongjun had curled into his body, looking like a small ball underneath the covers, his face half-hidden beneath them. Gunil climbed back into bed and set his own yogurt on the nightstand and held out the steaming bowl.
“Here, they’re still warm.” Gunil said quietly.
Hyeongjun hesitated, his thin, tatooed fingers peeking out from the oversized sleeve of his hoodie to take the spoon. He looked at the gray, plain oats for a long moment, his shoulders tensing up again. Gunil didn’t say much, other than picking up his yogurt and taking a small bite, looking over at the bedroom window instead of staring at Hyeongjun. Seeing Gunil eating too seemed to take a fraction of the pressure. He swallowed thickly, scooped up the food, and put it in his mouth. He chewed slowly, the motion feeling odd in his jaw, his eyes fixed on the blankets. Gunil quietly took another bite of his yogurt, hoping he was being helpful but still unsure if he was being a good partner to his boyfriend. Hyeongjun managed a few more spoonfuls, but halfway through the meal, the spoon just hovered in the air. He looked at the metal, and set it down on the bowl. He lowered his head, letting his long hair frame the sides of his face, pressing his palm flat against his stomach and then pulling his knees up to cover it.
“It hurts.” Hyeongjun whispered, his voice cracking with frustration and exhaustion. “It just... it feels heavy in my tummy.”
Gunil’s heart sank, seeing the hints of the tears gathering in Hyeongjun’s almond eyes. He took the bowl from Hyeongjun’s shaking hands and set it down on the nightstand next to his yogurt, eyeing at how much Hyeongjun had left behind.
“Hyeongjunnie…” Gunil murmured, shifting closer until he could wrap his arms around Hyeongjun’s frame again. “It’s okay. You can finish it later okay?” He pulled the younger boy against his chest, tucking the blankets securely over his sharp shoulders. “I’m sorry, I-... I know it hurts… I don’t know how to help you, I’m so sorry.”
Hyeongjun hid his face in the crook of Gunil’s neck, a tiny sob escaping him. “I’m trying. I’m really trying, but it feels so gross.”
“I know you are trying… I’m proud of you, you’ve been doing well.” Gunil murmured honestly, his hand finding its way under the blankets to gently rub Hyeongjun’s back through the thick fabric of the hoodie and holding him tight.
Hyeongjun let out a trembling breath, the words tearing out of him sharply, like they hurt his throat. “I’m so scared…” He mumbled, his fingers twisting into the fabric of Gunil’s sweatshirt. “I don’t want to gain weight. I know it sounds so ridiculous but–...” His words drifted off in a sniff.
The phrase floated heavily in the room. It was the first time in these two weeks that Hyeongjun had actually put a little of his thoughts out.
“I know the guys are worried about me and it makes me feel so guilty that my own problem is bothering other people.” Hyeongjun whispered shakily. “Two weeks ago I promised I’d try, but now I just feel so guilty. I feel like I’m losing control. What if I change and people… I don’t know, see me differently?”
Gunil felt a lump form in his own throat. Hearing the desperation in Hyeongjun’s broken voice made his chest ache. Finding the right words to comfort him instead of accidentally triggering him was complicated for Gunil, who was still so afraid of unintentionally saying the wrong words. He shifted his grip, wrapping both arms around Hyeongjun, hugging him tightly against his chest as if he could shield him from his own thoughts and trying his best not to feel worse because of how small his body felt.
“Junnie, please listen to me okay?” Gunil murmured softly, pulling back so he could look at Hyeongjun. He kept his hands resting gently on his face, wiping away the tears wetting his skin.
Hyeongjun met Gunil’s gaze. His rounder eyes were worried yet filled with fondness.
“I am never, ever going to look at you differently.” Gunil said, his voice shaking in the slightest but as honest as it could be. “I love you. I love your smile, I love playing music with you, and I love waking up next to you like this. I just want you to be warm again. I want you to have the energy to smile with those pretty bunny teeth of yours without feeling exhausted.” He gently tucked a piece of hair behind his ear. “It’s okay to be scared, you don’t have to face that fear all at once. Let’s take it slow okay? You have all of my support even if sometimes I don’t know what to say. I love you– we love you, and all of the band is going to help you out as much as we can.”
Hyeongjun’s own heart fluttered at his kind words, moved by Gunil’s affection and support. He still was afraid, but knowing his support was unconditional made the tears welling up in his eyes stop for a while. He let out an exhale, some of the tension fading from his shoulders as he dug deeper into Gunil’s hug, burying his face into the safest place he knew. “I love you so much, Gunil.” He mumbled.
“I love you too.” He replied, letting his chin fall on the crown of his head before pulling back to look at him. “Let’s go out today with Seungminnie, would you like that? We can go to the park or something.”
“Let’s go out today with Seungminnie, would you like that? We can go to the park or something.”
Hyeongjun sniffled against Gunil’s neck, the warmth of the suggestion slowly melting away the last of his morning dread. A walk outside sounded nice. “Okay.” he murmured, lifting his head.
Gunil’s heart did a little flip of pure relief. “Of course we can, Junnie. Whatever you want.”
An hour later, the three of them were walking through the crisp morning air of the park. Seungmin bounced beside them, still high after his morning workout, the bright energy doing wonders to shatter the heavy silence that usually followed Hyeongjun’s tough mornings. Hyeongjun was swallowed up by his hoodie, but there was a faint calmness in his eyes as he listened to Seungmin ramble about whatever.
As they neared the center of the park, the cozy scent of roasted coffee beans and sweetness hit them from a small, glass-fronted cafeteria.
“Wait! I want something.” Seungmin said when they walked by, pulling open the wooden door and letting the warm air of the cafe welcome them. They stepped inside, Hyeongjun stood close to Gunil’s side, his shoulder brushing against his arm for reassurance as they looked up at the menu. Gunil kept a protective eye on him, expecting the usual hesitation. Seungmin ordered a matcha latte for himself, then looked over at Gunil and Hyeongjun.
“Do you guys want something? My treat.” He said.
Gunil looked up at Hyeongjun.
“...Can I get lemon tea, please?” Hyeongjun asked the cashier quietly.
“Sure. With syrup?”
“...Yeah, syrup’s fine.”
Gunil blinked and caught Seungmin’s eye for a split second, exchanging a smile.
“And just a hot cappuccino for me,” Gunil added.
When the drinks were ready, they took their cups and headed out into the blooming park. The morning was still breezy, but the sun was becoming shinier and brighter, and Hyeongjun had a steaming, sweet cup of crimson tea pressed between his palms, warming his fingers through the fabric of his sleeves.
They strolled along the paved paths and the green trees. Hyeongjun brought the straw to his lips and took a small sip. The tart flavor of lemon mixed with the sweetness of the syrup felt nicer than he remembered. Gunil watched him from the corner of his eye, taking a slow sip of his cappuccino. He reached over, wrapping his arm around Hyeongjun’s, pulling him a bit closer as they walked. They still had a long way to go, and tomorrow might be hard all over again, but right now, listening to Seungmin laugh under the sunlight while Hyeongjun took another sip of his tea was more than good enough.