Chapter Text
Sirius was in a foul mood.
Which was saying something, because Sirius was usually in a foul mood, but right now he was especially irritated for one very specific reason.
Dahlia had attached herself to his side the second lunch had started and for the past ten minutes had done little except leave wet kisses all over the side of his neck while he was trying to eat his sandwich.
It was fucking annoying.
He shifted slightly in his chair, hoping she’d get the hint and move, but all that did was make her grin against his skin before pressing another kiss just below his jaw.
Sirius stared down at his half eaten chicken sandwich and wondered if it would be socially acceptable to just stand up and walk away.
Lunch had barely started and already five girls had wandered over to their table.
Five.
It happened every day, more or less.
Girls from lower years pretending they needed help with homework (that Sirius probably wouldn't be any help with anyway) or asking stupid questions they definitely already knew the answer to. Sirius had given them all the same charming half smile he always did, leaning back in his chair like he couldn’t care less while Kian and Shaun sat beside him laughing every time one of them started blushing.
Shaun flirted with absolutely anything that moved.
Didn’t matter if it was girls from Year Eleven, girls from sixth form, girls who had very obvious boyfriends standing three feet away glaring at him.
He’d flirted shamelessly with every single one who’d come over, grinning like the absolute prick he was while Amy sat beside him looking increasingly murderous.
After the fourth girl had walked away giggling, Amy had smacked Shaun hard across the back of the head.
“You’re such a dick.”
Shaun had just laughed, rubbing the back of his neck before leaning over and kissing her cheek like that somehow fixed everything.
Sirius honestly had no idea why Amy stayed with him.
Everyone knew Shaun cheated.
Not even in a subtle way either. Half the school probably had stories about him sneaking off with girls at parties or disappearing during school trips when Amy wasn’t around. It was hardly some huge secret. Amy definitely knew. There was no way she didn’t.
Sirius glanced over at Shaun where he was now halfway through stealing chips off Amy’s tray, completely unbothered.
He supposed it was because Shaun was fit.
Objectively.
He was tall enough that most people had to look up when talking to him and broad in the shoulders from rugby training nearly every day after school.
His blond hair always looked annoyingly perfect in that messy way boys somehow managed naturally, and he had stupidly sharp cheekbones that probably explained why girls kept falling for him despite the fact everyone knew exactly what he was like.
No.
Absolutely fucking not.
He wasn’t doing this again.
Shaun was not fit.
Not like that.
He could appreciate when people were attractive. Everyone did that.
It meant absolutely nothing.
It definitely did not mean anything.
Dahlia pressed another kiss against the side of his neck and Sirius let out a long breath, dropping his sandwich back onto the tray in front of him.
The cafeteria was packed, as usual.
Students crammed around tables in groups so painfully predictable Sirius sometimes thought the whole school looked like one of those terrible American high school films people were obsessed with online. Which was ridiculous considering they were literally sitting in North London and not somewhere in California.
The rugby boys had taken over the tables near the windows. The drama kids were shoved in the back corner being loud enough to irritate half the room. The quiet nerdy ones sat closest to the library entrance, probably discussing homework for fun like complete psychopaths.
And then there was Sirius’ table.
The popular ones.
The rich kids.
The ones everyone watched when they walked in.
Sometimes Sirius thought it was embarrassingly easy.
Smile at the right girls.
Laugh at the right jokes.
Act exactly how people expected you to act.
And suddenly nobody ever looked close enough to notice anything underneath.
With another very dramatic sigh, Sirius let his eyes wander away from the disaster that was currently his lunch break and scanned the cafeteria, gaze drifting lazily over familiar faces until it landed on a table a few rows away.
And there he was.
James Potter sat half sideways in his chair, laughing loudly at something Peter had said, one hand wrapped around a bottle of Coke while the other gestured wildly enough that Sirius could see Lily rolling her eyes beside him.
Across from them, Marlene was leaning back dangerously far on the back two legs of her chair despite Mary repeatedly kicking her shin under the table every few seconds, clearly telling her to stop before she cracked her head open on the floor.
Remus sat quieter than the rest of them, picking absentmindedly at the label on a water bottle while occasionally smiling at whatever ridiculous thing James was saying.
It had been four years now, and Sirius still found himself looking for James without really meaning to.
It was stupid, honestly.
There had been a time when Sirius had practically lived at James’ house. Back before everything got complicated. Before secondary school had turned everyone into different versions of themselves. Before Sirius had learned exactly what kind of person his father expected him to become. Him and James used to spend entire weekends together when they were younger. Staying up until stupid hours playing video games, cycling around the estate near James’ house until the streetlights came on, daring each other to jump from ridiculous heights and getting shouted at by Euphemia when they came back covered in mud.
James had been the first person Sirius had ever really trusted.
And then one summer, when they were fourteen, James had seen too much.
Sirius could still remember the exact look on his face. They’d been getting changed after football in Sirius’ room and he’d pulled his shirt over his head too quickly, completely forgetting for one split second that the bruises littering his ribs hadn’t faded yet. Forgetting about the half-healed cuts running along his thigh where Orion had dragged him into the edge of a cabinet the week before. Forgetting James was standing right there.
James had stared for what felt like forever, eyes fixed on the bruising running dark against Sirius’ skin, on the faded marks stretching over his shoulders, on the old scars scattered along his arms that Sirius had stopped bothering to explain away months ago.
Then James had stepped forward and quietly asked what happened and Sirius had panicked.
After that, James had pushed.
Not in a cruel way. James kept asking questions Sirius couldn’t answer.
Offered help Sirius couldn’t accept.
Started watching him too closely. Every bruise, every excuse.
Sirius knew James meant well, but he couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t stand the thought of someone seeing how pathetic things really were once he left school and went back home.
So he’d done what he always did best.
He pushed harder.
Started hanging around people James hated. Started saying cruel things just to watch James get angry. Ignored his texts. Skipped plans. Became colder every week until eventually James stopped trying.
Sometimes Sirius let himself miss him.
Usually late at night when everything in the house was quiet and Regulus was asleep and Orion had finally stopped stomping around downstairs looking for reasons to scream at someone.
Sometimes Sirius thought about texting him. About apologising. About somehow explaining why it had all happened the way it had.
But James had tried to help him.
And Sirius had made damn sure he regretted it.
So now all he could really do was sit three tables away and pretend it didn’t bother him that James laughed louder around other people now.
Pretend he didn’t miss having at least one person who used to know him before he’d turned into whatever the fuck this version of himself was supposed to be.
After Sirius and James had stopped speaking, it hadn’t exactly taken James long to find other people. Which, honestly, had annoyed Sirius far more than he ever cared to admit.
Peter had moved into James’ neighbourhood right around the time everything between them had started properly falling apart.
Quiet, a bit awkward, always hovering half a step behind James. Sirius remembered disliking him immediately for no particular reason beyond the fact James suddenly had someone else to spend his weekends with.
Then there was Remus.
New at the school this year, transferred in sometime in September if Sirius remembered right. He was odd in a way Sirius couldn’t really place.
Quiet, but not shy exactly. Like he was constantly watching everything around him and deciding which parts deserved his attention. Within about two weeks James had apparently decided Remus was worth collecting too, and now the three of them seemed permanently attached at the hip. Mary and Marlene had sort of joined the orbit naturally, and recently Lily had become impossible to separate from James as well.
Sirius could still remember how embarrassingly obsessed James had been with her when they were younger. Going on about how pretty she was, insisting one day he’d marry her while Sirius had laughed and told him he was mental.
Now James looked… happy.
Properly settled in the way Sirius had never really seen before, like he’d somehow found exactly where he was supposed to be whilst Sirius had spent the last three years trying desperately to become someone else entirely.
James was normal. James had Lily and his stupidly perfect little friend group and a future that probably didn’t involve hiding pieces of himself every second of every day.
James was straight. Normal. Untouched by all the things Sirius had learned to bury before he was even old enough to understand them.
They probably couldn’t have stayed friends anyway. Sirius didn’t fit into James’ world anymore. Not the real version of him, at least.
Sirius was still staring absently at James’ table when Kian suddenly let out a loud bark of laughter beside him.
The sound cut straight through the cafeteria noise. Kian was hunched over his phone, grinning like he’d just been handed the funniest thing he’d seen all week.
“Oh my god,” he said, shoving the screen towards Shaun. “Have you heard? Loony’s gay.”
Shaun nearly spat out the mouthful of Coke he’d just taken.
“No fucking way.”
“Swear down,” Kian said, still laughing. “Look. Someone put it on Insta like twenty minutes ago. Apparently he’s a proper poof.”
Dahlia finally pulled away from Sirius’ neck, eyebrows shooting upwards.
“Wait, Lupin?”
Amy leaned over Shaun’s shoulder, squinting at the screen before immediately pulling a face.
“Honestly, that makes so much sense.”
The whole table burst out laughing.
Shaun shook his head, grinning as he tossed his phone onto the table. “Knew there was something weird about him. Bloke always looked a bit… off.”
“Seriously though,” Dahlia said, wrinkling her nose. “Imagine actually admitting that.”
Shaun snorted. “Can you imagine fancying boys? Like genuinely.”
Shaun laughed loudly. “Makes you wonder how many lads here are secretly into that shit.”
Sirius felt himself grin before he’d even really thought about it.
Years of practice.
He leaned back slightly in his chair, folding his arms.
“I mean,” he said casually, “it’s Lupin. Isn't exactly shocking, is it?”
Kian laughed harder.
“Exactly what I said.”
Dahlia rolled her eyes. “No because seriously, I don’t get how people can just… be like that.”
“Think it’s disgusting, personally,” Amy said, picking at her nails. “Like keep that weird shit to yourself.”
Shaun nodded immediately.
“My dad always says people like that are proper messed up in the head.”
Sirius barely hesitated.
“Belong in a prison if you ask me.”
Kian smirked. “You reckon he’s had a thing for Potter this whole time?”
That got another round of laughter.
Shaun looked over towards the other table and grinned.
“Bet James is regretting making friends with him now.”
Sirius laughed with them. “Yeah,” he said, glancing briefly across the room before looking away again. “I’d be staying the fuck away if I were him.”
Dahlia reached for his hand, absentmindedly tracing her thumb over his knuckles while the conversation carried on around them, everyone still throwing jokes back and forth like they were discussing the weather instead of another person.
Sirius joined in again.
Because this was easy.
Cruelty was easy.
It was always easier when everyone around you sounded exactly like the voice already living in your own house.
The conversation should have died down after that. It didn’t.
If anything, Kian looked encouraged now that everyone at the table was laughing along, his face flushed slightly as he leaned further across the table, glancing over Sirius’ shoulder towards where Remus was sat.
“You reckon he’s one of those proper desperate types?” Kian asked, grinning. “Bet he checks out every bloke in the changing rooms.”
Shaun barked out a laugh.
“Fuck off, imagine that.”
“I’m serious,” Kian said. “You know those weird ones always stare.”
Amy scrunched her face up in disgust. “That’s actually vile.”
Dahlia nodded immediately. “Honestly if I found out one of my friends liked girls like that, I’d feel so uncomfortable.”
“Girls doing it is different,” Shaun said.
Amy rolled her eyes. “How?”
Shaun shrugged like it was obvious. “Dunno. Less weird.”
Sirius snorted.
“Yeah because no one wants to imagine some bloke getting all heart eyes over them in the locker room.”
Kian immediately pointed at him.
“Exactly.”
Shaun leaned back in his chair, shaking his head. “Bet Potter’s shitting himself right now.”
That made Sirius glance over again.
Their voices had gotten louder. Loud enough now that there was absolutely no way the other table hadn’t heard every word.
James had gone completely still.
His jaw was tight, bottle of Coke still clutched in one hand so hard Sirius half thought the plastic might crack. His whole face had gone red in that way it always used to when he was angry but trying not to explode.
Beside him, Peter looked somehow even worse.
He was openly glaring now, eyes narrowed straight at Sirius, Shaun and Kian with the sort of expression that made it very clear he was one sentence away from walking over here and starting something. Instead, after a second, Peter raised his hand and very deliberately shoved his middle finger in their direction.
Shaun immediately burst out laughing.
“Oi, Pettigrew,” he shouted across the cafeteria. “Think your boyfriend’s offended.”
Kian nearly doubled over.
Sirius’ eyes flickered past James.
Past Peter.
And landed on Remus.
Unlike the others, Remus wasn’t looking at them.
His head was lowered slightly, shoulders tense in a way Sirius hadn’t noticed before. He kept fiddling with the label on his water bottle, peeling bits of plastic away in tiny jerky movements. His cheeks had gone bright red and he was staring fixedly at the table like if he concentrated hard enough maybe everyone would stop talking.
He looked… Embarrassed.
Humiliated, probably.
Sirius felt something unpleasant twist low in his stomach.
Then Shaun spoke again.
“Bet he’s had a thing for half the school already.”
The feeling vanished as quickly as it had come.
Sirius laughed.
“Yeah,” he said loudly enough for the other table to hear. “Makes you wonder if every conversation you’ve had with him was him secretly trying to get in your pants.”
Kian slammed his hand against the table laughing.
Peter looked genuinely furious now.
James had stood up halfway from his chair.
And Remus still hadn’t looked up once.
The bell rang a few seconds later, sharp and grating enough that half the cafeteria immediately erupted into movement.
Chairs scraped loudly against the floor. Conversations blurred together as everyone started gathering bags and trays, the usual lunchtime chaos beginning all over again as students flooded towards the double doors leading out into the corridor.
James shoved his chair back harder than necessary, muttering something Sirius couldn’t hear as Lily immediately reached for his wrist like she was trying to stop him from doing something stupid. Marlene had already slung her bag over one shoulder, Mary trailing behind her whilst Peter stood slower than the rest, adjusting the strap of his backpack awkwardly against his shoulder. Remus still hadn’t looked over once.
“Aw,” Shaun said, standing beside Sirius and throwing his bag over one shoulder. “Look. Potter’s little support group is leaving.”
Kian snorted, falling into step beside him as the three of them headed towards the exit.
“Careful, boys,” he called loudly enough that half the people near the doors turned to look. “Don’t let Lupin stare at you in the changing rooms.”
Shaun immediately laughed.
Peter turned sharply at that, face already red.
“Oh piss off.”
Kian grinned wider.
“Relax, Fatso, wasn’t talking to you.”
Peter’s whole expression twisted instantly.
Sirius saw James grab his shoulder before Peter could turn around fully, clearly stopping him from saying something back.
Shaun cupped his hands around his mouth dramatically.
“Maybe skip the canteen tomorrow, yeah, Pettigrew? Save some chips for the rest of us.”
That got a few laughs from nearby students.
Peter looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.
James’ face had gone tight again, eyes dark in a way Sirius knew meant he was about two seconds away from losing his temper.
And then, because apparently he was incapable of shutting his own mouth when he should, Sirius smirked and called after them too.
“Don’t worry, Peter,” Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets casually.
“At least if Lupin starts fancying people at your table, we know it won’t be you.”
Kian doubled over laughing.
Shaun nearly walked straight into a Year Twelve girl because he was laughing so hard.
James whipped around so fast Sirius thought, for a second, he might actually come swinging.
But it wasn’t James Sirius noticed.
It was Remus.
Because finally, after all of that, he looked over.
And there was nothing on his face.
He just stared at Sirius for half a second, expression flat in a way Sirius somehow found worse.
Then he turned and followed the others out into the corridor without saying a word.
____
By the time Friday rolled around, Sirius was already irritated.
Fridays meant double PE.
And Sirius fucking hated PE.
Not because he minded exercise exactly. He didn’t. He quite liked rugby when it was an actual match and there was enough adrenaline pumping through him to stop thinking about anything else.
It was everything surrounding PE that made him dread it every single week.
The changing rooms. The smell of cheap Lynx Africa and sweat and damp trainers. The way twenty-eight boys were all crammed together in one overheated tiled room with absolutely no sense of personal space whatsoever.
Mostly though, Sirius hated getting changed in front of people.
Years of practice had taught him exactly how to do it without anyone noticing anything.
Stand slightly angled towards the lockers. Keep his left shoulder turned in. Shirt off quickly. PE shirt on quicker. Don’t stretch too much. Don’t let anyone get a good enough look at the faded silver scars crossing over his ribs or the older marks disappearing down his hip where his shorts covered the rest.
Orion had stopped aiming for visible places years ago, but Sirius had learned pretty quickly that people noticed things. Especially boys. Boys noticed everything.
And unfortunately, Sirius noticed things too.
Far too many things.
He yanked his tie loose, tossing it carelessly onto the bench beside him as his eyes flickered across the room before he caught himself immediately staring at Kian, who was currently shirtless and loudly retelling some story about last weekend whilst pulling on his PE kit. His stomach was flat, sharp lines of muscle shifting every time he moved, the kind of body people got from spending far too much time in the gym and being deeply aware other people were looking at them.
Sirius looked away.
Unfortunately Shaun was directly in his line of vision next.
Shaun was sat on the bench opposite pulling one trainer on, one leg bent awkwardly in front of him, strong thighs flexing every time he moved. Amy was always grabbing at Shaun like she physically couldn’t help herself and honestly Sirius could sort of understand why. Not that he was thinking about it. Obviously.
Arthur was stood near the showers talking to Ruben, sleeves already gone, thick arms crossed lazily over his chest while Ruben leaned against the tiled wall beside him looking unfairly broad shouldered even half dressed, like he’d been genetically engineered purely to piss everyone else off.
Sirius looked anywhere else.
Anywhere.
Unfortunately anywhere else landed directly on James.
James had his back turned, halfway through dragging his PE shirt over his head and Sirius immediately had to physically stop himself from staring too long. James had always been built like someone who actually enjoyed exercise, broad through the shoulders and annoyingly athletic in that effortless way Sirius had resented ever since they were thirteen and James had suddenly shot up six inches over one summer.
And then, because apparently the universe actively enjoyed making Sirius miserable, his gaze moved again.
Remus.
Who was standing a few feet away near the lockers.
Unlike James, Remus didn’t look like someone who spent every waking second in the gym, but there was strength there anyway. Lean muscle stretched over his chest and stomach in a way Sirius hadn’t really expected, arms stronger than they looked beneath school jumpers, the kind of body built naturally rather than intentionally.
Sirius realised he’d been staring.
Again.
He looked down so fast he nearly dropped his shirt.
For fuck’s sake.
This was exactly why he hated PE.
He hated PE because for fifteen miserable minutes every Thursday, he had to stand in a room full of boys and spend every second actively forcing himself not to think about things he wasn’t supposed to think about.
Things normal people didn’t think about.
Things that, if Orion ever knew about them, would probably get Sirius buried six feet under somewhere outside London.
So instead Sirius pulled his shirt over his head, shoved every thought violently back where it belonged, and reminded himself for what felt like the thousandth time this week that boys were not attractive.
No matter how much his own brain seemed determined to prove otherwise.
Sirius tugged his PE shirt down properly and forced himself to breathe normally.
Right. Enough. No more looking at people, no, looking at boys.
He reached for his water bottle on the bench and tried focusing on something else entirely, anything to shut his own brain up for five bloody minutes.
After a second, almost absentmindedly, he found himself humming under his breath. Barely noticeable at first, just fragments of a melody that had been bouncing around in his head since Tuesday night. Something slower than what he usually wrote. The sort of tune he’d have to record later before he forgot it. He paused for a second, mentally running through the chord progression, already picturing himself scribbling lyrics into the back of his notebook when he got home.
Then he stopped.
Jesus Christ.
Orion’s voice hit him immediately, so familiar Sirius barely had to think about it.
Stop doing that ridiculous shit.
You sound like a girl.
Only fairies prance around humming to themselves.
Sirius swallowed hard and quickly reached for his deodorant, spraying far more aggressively than necessary just so he had something to do with his hands.
Thankfully neither Shaun nor Kian seemed to have noticed. Shaun was busy trying to flick a wet towel at Arthur across the room and Kian had wandered over towards the lockers near the opposite wall.
Unfortunately, those lockers happened to be where Remus was standing.
Kian’s face lit up immediately in the way it always did when he realised he’d found entertainment.
“Well, look who it is,” he said loudly.
The room shifted, it always did when someone smelled blood.
Remus glanced up from where he’d been tying his trainers.
Shaun followed Kian’s gaze and grinned instantly.
“Oh brilliant. Careful lads.”
He clapped Arthur on the shoulder dramatically.
“Lupin’s in here.”
A few boys nearby started snickering.
Kian folded his arms.
“Bit risky letting him in the changing rooms, innit?”
Someone near the showers laughed.
Remus’ shoulders visibly tensed.
Shaun took a few steps closer, grin widening.
“What’s wrong, Lupin?”
He tilted his head mockingly.
“Not enough to look at online so you figured you’d come have a look in person?”
That got a bigger reaction.
A few boys immediately turned towards Remus now, openly staring, some laughing already despite clearly having no idea what was happening.
Arthur barked out a laugh.
“Mate, keep your eyes to yourself.”
“Seriously,” Kian added. “No one wants you checking them out.”
Someone further back muttered bloody faggot under their breath.
Another voice followed.
“Thought PE was meant to be safe.”.
Remus had gone completely still now, not saying anything. Just standing there holding his water bottle.
And then, because this was easy, because this was normal, because letting yourself hesitate meant people started looking too closely at you…
Sirius joined in.