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Aziraphale was sitting in his chair, with one hand placed where his heart was, feeling every loud beat of it underneath his fingers. His gaze was unfocused; lost somewhere between the floorboards, as his mind was turning the memories of the evening over and over again. Crowley left the bookshop a couple of hours ago, leaving Aziraphale alone in a space that felt familiar yet also as something completely new. There was the usual smell of books and tea, but there was also more to it now - the scent of leather, smoke, whiskey; and the smell of wildest dreams finally coming true.
After Crowley left, Aziraphale stood in front of the door for a little while, until he finally stepped towards the desk and with shaky legs sat down in his chair. And he sat there ever since, still not quite believing what occurred. But there they were: the taste of Crowley’s mouth still lingering on his tongue, insistent, tasting of liquor and this very specific, a bit spicy flavour that always followed the demon; and most importantly - real. The skin where Crowley touched him, still burned hot like a crucible underneath his clothes. Aziraphale put one of his hands there to feel it and shriveled. It was a type of burn that asked for more. But the demon started shaking as their kiss progressed, and so the angel thought that perhaps they should take things a bit slower, one at a time. So instead they talked, and it was fine as well, because they were together; because they crossed a line that altered their relationship once and for all. And Aziraphale was content with that.
A shimmer of a miracle passed through the room, getting the angel’s attention. A black envelope unceremoniously plopped onto the desk. There was a seal with a snake on it. Aziraphale smiled, picked it up and carefully opened it.
My Precious, Shining Star.
As a demon, you can be quite silly sometimes, you know? But that is just one of many qualities you possess that I adore so much. I hope you didn’t mind me being just a tiny bit bolder when we saw each other earlier today. Even as it didn’t seem like you minded; more so, I’d dare to say that you probably enjoyed it as much as I did, considering your own bravery, I still fear that it might’ve been too much at once. Honestly, that is entirely your fault, my darling. Your letter was just so beautiful, so honest; it gave me a glimpse into what you’ve been thinking and going through all this time. I simply couldn’t contain myself when you walked into the bookshop today.
I still think about how you looked at me when I cradled your face with both of my hands, the moment you stepped through that door. How everything around suddenly went quiet. How your entire body stilled, and our eyes met. I saw them; the question, the anticipation and patience - so much patience. My Dearest Star, I saw it all, and the only thing I could do was smile. Because how can you be so lovely? How can simply having you so close, feel so right? Like it was always meant to be? And I would’ve stayed like that, just looking at you, taking you in; but that didn’t feel like enough. So I just shook my head, more to myself than to you, and kissed you, before you even had the chance to comment on it. Perhaps you weren’t going to, perhaps you didn’t have to. Perhaps you already knew what I was going to do. But, my darling, the smile you gave me afterwards? It shone brighter than all the stars in the sky combined, and seeing it - seeing you smile at me so fondly, it felt like a supernova exploding in my chest and spreading through my entire corporation. I feared it might’ve been too much; that it might somehow overflow, so I let go. I didn’t want to. But I knew it was just the beginning of an incredible day. That there was more to come.
You opened the car door for me. It was just a simple gesture, and yet something deep in my chest flared up as I took my seat. It was supposed to be nothing - just a simple car ride like many others, but it was far from that. The space felt smaller and too big at the same time. You sat close, simply on the seat next to me, but every part of me screamed that it was still too far away. As we drove to our destination, I put an open hand between our seats. I wanted to close the distance in any way I could. I wondered if you’ll see it. I had hoped that you'd grab it. I was not disappointed. I just wished we wouldn’t have to let go.
There were so many things to look at outside; a beautiful view of a city full of life. I watched how focused you were on the road and on the world behind the window - of course, after all you were the one leading the way. But I couldn’t care less about what was out there. I never did when you were close. So I looked at the only thing that mattered - You. And you let me. Was I not distracting? Weren’t you uncomfortable by being stared at? If so, I apologize. I tried, I really tried to look somewhere else. I remember seeing glimpses of greenery that passed by, of shops offering everything a human could possibly think of, and pedestrians going about their day. But in the end I just couldn’t take my eyes off of you for longer than a moment. I simply couldn’t believe it - that after all this time, after everything we went through, we finally had this. That we finally have this.
There was a bit of a transition phase after we arrived. I thought we’ll just spend it talking, as we usually did, so I just stood to the side, with my back against the wall. But you had other plans, didn’t you? Oh, my beautiful Star, you were brave today. You stepped closer; so close that your chest was against mine, and you kissed me. Not the same way as I did earlier. In a way that raised the temperature in the room; or perhaps it was just me. I was surprised. Pleasantly so. You asked me, unsure, if that was alright; and I wanted to laugh. Not because it was funny, or because I tried to make fun of you. But because it was more than ‘alright’. Because it couldn’t be better. Because it was perfect.
Perhaps you felt that we were running out of time, or perhaps you saw how I froze and became overwhelmed. My limited responses definitely didn’t help my case either, so you stepped away. Understandably so. But I need to tell you this, my love - I was not being overwhelmed because it was too much. It was because I wanted this. I wanted this for so long; this and so much more. Because I wanted You in this and any other way that you’d let me.
And I still wish that I were brave enough to say these things to you at that moment. I wish we continued.
It was hard to focus on the task at hand afterwards. I assume you picked that moment on purpose, knowing that this would be the case. But I couldn’t be distracted by this for too long, when you, my Dearest Star, were the biggest distraction of it all. The one I’d gladly follow anywhere.
At the end of the day, when we got back, you said that you’ll go. I didn’t want you to. I wanted to stay close, to hold you and to see you rest. See you at peace. But everyone needs some space sometimes, and I knew that. So I didn’t say anything. And then you stepped closer, kissed me tenderly and said “See you in the morning”. The words seemed like a balm, settled in my heart like a promise, and the kiss felt like a seal. So I let you walk through that door, still smiling as they closed.
The space started feeling empty the moment you vanished behind that door. But reminiscing on everything that happened through the day held me up until the emptiness settled. Because I knew that we’ll see each other very soon, my darling.
And I already cannot wait.
Forever Yours,
Aziraphale