Work Text:
“Atsushi? Could I ask of you a favor during lunch?” Kunikida continues moving her hands across her keyboard at lightspeed, the clacks of its keys breaking up the quiet of the office.
Atsushi pauses in her own typing to answer back. “Oh! Of course, no problem at all.”
“Oh, Kunikida-chan is growing bold—” Dazai is interrupted with Kunikida’s fist sunk right into his gut. He wheezes and clutches his stomach, then collapses on the floor.
“Referring to me with '-kun' is all I’ll accept from you, slacker.”
Wish I had shut it down too, Atsushi thinks with a twinge of annoyance. Now Dazai refers to her exclusively with "-chan," and there’s little she can do about it. But Kyouka calling her Ane-san every day makes up for it in spades.
Lunch comes around quickly, and Atsushi finds herself at Uzumaki, sitting in a booth with Kunikida across from her. Lucy brings them both their drinks and food, and Atsushi thanks her with a smile. It feels like, since she found out about Atsushi, a certain tenseness between them lightened just a bit.
She was so understanding too, about Atsushi keeping things a secret. And even threatened to “take care of” anyone who gave her a hard time with Anne's Room. It seems Lucy and Kyouka have teamed up in that regard, which warms her heart and strikes fear deep into her soul. The two are chatting in a booth closer to the entrance, as Kyouka insisted on giving Atsushi space for lunch.
Kunikida takes a sip of her café latte, then cuts her ham and cheese sandwich into precisely four even squares before eating. Some may criticize her for her fastidiousness, but it’s a quality that Atsushi has always admired; her precision, attention to detail, and demand for nothing short of perfection.
“Now Lass, I’ve been cataloguing my current measurements, preferences, and requirements for clothing, as well as other products I’ll need to purchase later this week.” She pulls out her Ideals and jots down something, then pauses her pen. “I would like for you to accompany me on a shopping trip this Saturday, if you’re available.”
Atsushi polishes off half her egg salad sandwich before answering. “Oh, with Kyouka-chan, right? That would be nice.” They’ve gone on a few outings this past month, along with that one time Akutagawa and Gin dragged her out as well.
That’s how she found out just why they were so insulted. Akutagawa is trans himself, while Gin is something called X-gender. Of course, this doesn’t explain how they knew or why they care so much, but they refused to elaborate, and Atsushi felt a migraine come on just thinking about it and eventually dropped it.
Regardless of the absurdity of an outing with Port Mafia members, it’s thanks to them and especially Kyouka that she’s much better at picking out clothing that fits, and has several nice button-down shirts, slacks, and a pair of classy Oxfords stashed in her closet slash bedroom.
Nothing feminine just yet, mind you. She likes her current work clothes because they’re precious gifts, and most of the time she's comfortable in masculine clothes. But even if she wanted to, there’s no way she could even think of wearing casual feminine wear!
“Unfortunately, the Miss informed me of an outing she’ll be on with Montgomery and Naomi. So it would be the two of us.”
“Us? By ourselves? Like…alone?” Heat creeps up Atsushi’s neck and ears, because the implications of this are…well, a lot.
“Don’t feel like you must. But I simply thought that since we’re in the same boat, it would make sense to try shopping on our own for once.”
She’s never gone out alone with Kunikida before, but it shouldn’t be much different from going out in a group, right? “Okay, sounds good.”
Kunikida nods, then picks up her Ideals and continues writing. “Excellent. I’ll meet you in front of the dorm at precisely 10 am tomorrow. Also, I feel that we should purchase women’s clothing for once. Even a single outfit would do.”
Thank god there’s no food in Atsushi’s mouth, or she’d be choking on something other than her own spit. “Women’s clothing? I, I mean, I don’t think I’m ready just yet.” She inhales to calm her racing heart. “Maybe we could look at them? Or something?”
“That would be acceptable on your end, though I plan on purchasing at least one women’s work suit and one set of casual women’s clothes. And I would like your opinion on the fit and style.” Kunikida sounds matter-of-factly, but she keeps adjusting her glasses, then rotating her mug.
Me? “Sure…yeah. I can do that.” I can definitely look at Kunikida dressed in a woman’s outfit. Absolutely…
“You should also consider proper toiletries, as well as a fitted bra and underwear.”
Now, Atsushi chokes on the second half of her sandwich, and Kenji has to walk over from his bar seat and slap her back hard to dislodge the traitorous piece of food.
Atsushi and Kunikida exit the bustling train station, arriving close enough to Yokohama World Porters to walk the last few minutes. Not only are there more than enough shops for anything they’d need, but it’s a large and busy enough shopping center to avoid being recognized.
As long as Atsushi covers her face with a mask and hides her hair under a hat (and she bitterly thanks her newfound fame post Moby Dick incident for that).
They head to the second floor for clothes shopping first, and Atsushi tries her best not to combust on the spot. She’s alone with Kunikida, without Kyouka or Lucy or Yosano or anyone else to serve as a buffer. But she’s worked alone with Kunikida before, right? Wait, no, they were with Dazai as well that day.
And, they’re actually shopping for women’s clothes. Or at least looking at them, on Atsushi’s end. But Kunikida will be picking out clothes and asking for opinions, and Atsushi will see her dressed up in something that’s not a men’s suit and…
She takes a deep breath as they step into a store selling suits and other business clothes. Bypassing the men’s section for the women’s nearly gives Atsushi a heart attack, as if someone will jump out of nowhere and accuse her of faking it. But the rest of the shoppers continue on their way, paying no attention to the pair.
Kunikida makes a beeline for the suits’ rack and gives Atsushi a rundown of how to choose a proper suit. It’s very thorough, including the precise percentage of wool the material should contain, the right fit, the proper dress blouse to wear, and the difference between a skirt and a pantsuit.
Oh…oh. A skirt suit?
Atsushi helps to pick out two pairs of heels, and Kunikida grabs tan pantyhose. How does she do it, just focus so effortlessly like this?
“I’ll be trying on these two suits, and I need your honest opinion. No baseless flattery, understand?” Her eyes are sharp, and Atsushi struggles not to get lost in them. Did she ever pay attention to how pretty they are before?
Atsushi swallows, then nods, not trusting herself to speak. Because one of the suits is, in fact, a skirt suit. That she’ll be wearing very soon.
It feels like an eternity, waiting for Kunikida to finish. Every second Atsushi spends in the women’s dressing area is another second that puts her at risk. What if they ask her and Kunikida to leave?
Nothing continues to happen except for Atsushi’s anxiety climbing, and she’s nearly a wreck when her senpai emerges from the fitting room.
Kunikida is wearing a suit in the same beige color as her current one, with a knee-length pencil skirt, cream heels, and a black dress shirt. She also has a sophisticated short red patterned scarf wrapped around her neck, the same color as the ribbon she usually wears.
“I figured the black color would match just fine, so I simply went with a blouse. And the scarf covers my Adam’s apple until I can deal with it. What do you think?”
But Atsushi’s mind is blank. They haven’t been out for much more than a month, and she’s standing before her, already stunning. Her long legs, slim frame, glossy hair, smooth skin, and height make her look like a model, like one she would have seen in the Orphanage’s magazines.
She swallows and forces a smile. “You look really nice. The colors fit you well.”
“And the fit?”
She hesitates and swallows again. “The fit is really good. I…see what you mean about the suit needing to fit properly.” And this one definitely fits her properly.
Kunikida hums, pleased with her response, and goes to try on the second suit. The wait doesn’t get much better, and soon she re-emerges in a pantsuit. Somehow, she looks even more stunning in this one, a three-piece grey suit with a light white plaid pattern. It’s paired with a white dress blouse with a light blue collar, black heels, and a short black scarf around her neck.
“How’s this one? The colors are a bit different from my normal wear, but I wanted to experiment.”
How does Atsushi put it into words? Kunikida looks incredible. It fits her form perfectly, making her even more elegant. She can pull off anything she wears.
Meanwhile, there’s no way Atsushi could even think of wearing anything that lovely and sophisticated. She’s way too bony and gangly, she has a massive, ugly scar on her side, and she still looks and sounds like a young boy.
“You look amazing, Kunikida-san. That suit makes you look very beautiful,” Atsushi manages to choke out.
“You’re crying Lass.”
There’s a handkerchief wiping her cheeks, and Atsushi gasps in surprise at Kunikida’s kindness, before shame floods her. “Sorry. I just…you really do look amazing. I could never look as good as you, no matter what. We should head out after this.” She shakes her head, knowing there’s no point in sticking around other than for necessities.
Oh wait, Kunikida wanted to pick out some regular clothes. And of course, she’ll look lovely in them too. Her heart twinges in pain, knowing she’s being left behind.
Kunikida sighs, then carefully sits on the bench just outside the fitting rooms, patting the space next to her. Atsushi joins, and they stay in silence for a moment.
“This is hardly easy for me either, Atsushi.”
“But, you’re so fearless! You just charged right into this store and tried on these clothes.”
Kunikida crosses her legs. “For this past 47 days since my ‘egg cracked,’ as Ranpo-san puts it,” and she rolls her eyes. “I’ve carefully catalogued my current condition and what is needed for an Ideal transition. And as of now, I’ve fallen so short of my goals that it’s absurd. I even wondered if it was worth the trouble. Whether I should continue living as the man that I thought I was.”
Atsushi sucks in a breath. Because that’s exactly how she feels, every day. That maybe it’s pointless to even try, that she’ll never be pretty and poised enough to deserve it. She could just pretend to be a boy the rest of her life, and it’d be fine. She likes wearing boy clothes anyway, so it's not really that different.
Right?
“I don’t think I can do that.” Despite her misgivings, the thought of never being herself again, pretending to be something she’s not, is the worst kind of pain she can imagine.
“Agreed. Regardless of our insecurities, we both know the truth. And it would be unacceptable to deny it. We must live that truth no matter what.” Kunikida straightens up, her voice and eyes steel.
It inspires a strength deep within Atsushi to well up and overflow.
“If you truly don’t wish to wear feminine clothes, then don’t force yourself. But if it’s only fear that’s stopping you, then know that I’ll be with you as well.” Kunikida gives her a soft smile, one of the precious few Atsushi has ever seen. Her heart skips a beat, and a warm feeling spreads through her chest.
“I…I think I can try. Not my work clothes; they’re too precious to me. But maybe, a regular outfit?” Her heart races again, the fear of being found out, of something happening overwhelming. But Kunikida is here with her, and she understands, just like or even more than Kyouka.
They end up buying a casual outfit each and, red-faced but determined, they also purchase underwear and practical sports bras.
As they pass by other stores, there’s one shop window that catches Atsushi’s eye. On display are several chokers in different styles, colors, and materials. She’s drawn to two of them in particular, making her way to the window for a closer look.
“Hm? A choker? Not a bad idea, since it would have the same function as my scarves.”
One of them is a simple black velvet choker, while the other is white velvet, with a white heart-shaped pendant on the side. Ah…but the price. Too much for my budget. While Atsushi makes a decent salary, this is clearly a high-end store, with prices that exceed her monthly wages.
“Give me one moment, Lass.” Kunikida walks past her and into the store. A few minutes later she emerges, handing her a small paper bag.
“Consider this motivation. When you can wear them, you’ll have become a fine woman yourself.”
“A fine woman…” Atsushi clutches the bag, her heart moved. “Thank you so much, Kunikida-san!” And she gives her a wide smile that squints her eyes.
After that, Atsushi begins to wear the black choker to work every day. Dazai starts to rant about Atsushi trying to “resemble a slug he knows,” but one glare from Kunikida shuts that down immediately (“Atsushi-chan, Kunikida-kun is being so mean to me,” he whines, arms draped over his desk. “And I didn’t say it looked bad,” he adds with a sly smile, and Atsushi covers her too hot face.)
Naomi coos, pointing out that it perfectly matches her work clothes and the stripe in her bangs. Tanizaki agrees, though his face is oddly dusted with pink as he speaks. Kyouka compliments it too, and ends up purchasing a matching one on their next shopping trip.
The white choker is still in Atsushi’s closet, along with her brand-new casual outfit. She’s decided that she’ll wear them all the next time she and Kunikida go out together.
Though the fear of showing her true self is still there, for the first time in her life, there’s a sense of excitement drumming beneath her skin.