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Yoonchae bolted awake.
Her makeup artist whispered a quick apology as she zipped up her equipment. Yoonchae swallowed thickly and tried to suppress a wave of blush. Had she been asleep the entire time? She wondered if she would hear chatter amongst the staff later about sleepy-headed Yoonchae, as Sophia coined.
Daniela was chattering loudly somewhere in the background. Yoonchae cleared her throat.
The pressing idea that she was about to once again step onto a stage and perform in front of quite literally thousands of people approached the foreground of her mind.
Yoonchae heard the call for the girls to line up. She blinked a couple times in an attempt to clear the haze from the edges of her vision, but it made her thick lashes stick together and she gave up.
Lara was right in front of her, flexing her fingers over her microphone. She kept muttering to herself.
Yoonchae blew out a breath. The adrenaline was thankfully kicking in and she pulled herself together. She knew it was going to be bright and loud, hopefully with cheers and fans happy to see them. Maybe there would even be posters for her.
Yoonchae didn’t want to let them down.
She felt Lara’s signal, hand lightly tapping her thigh.
Her face hardened into a focused stare. She followed closely behind Lara, hearing roar of people in front of the stage. Arms reached over the barriers, desperate for their attention.
Yoonchae got into position. The backtrack started playing, Manon lifting her hands as her familiar vocals thrummed so loudly it rattled Yoonchae’s bones. She forced her eyes not to succumb to a sudden urge to shut.
No big deal. She could do this.
***
Sophia and Megan were sprawled out on the bus seats. Yoonchae had her head pressed into the glass, though it wasn’t giving the same cool effect it normally did.
“Does anybody have Advil? I can feel it wearing off,” Lara proclaimed. Manon jabbed her with a socked toe.
“You just took one two hours ago,” she pointed out. Lara rolled her eyes and slipped her headphones back over her ears.
Yoonchae wiped above her mouth. She felt like she was especially overheating tonight and it was keeping her painfully conscious of every muscle twitch. She yawned again.
Sophia sat up suddenly, digging for something in her bag. “Hey, did you grab an extra charger? I think I lost mine.”
Yoonchae closed her eyes. She tugged on the collar of her shirt, exposing wet skin to cold air.
Sophia pivoted and essentially crawled toward Yoonchae. “Yoonchae!”
The younger girl piped up. “Oh, me?”
“Yes, you. You feeling okay? You still seem kind of…” Sophia gestured to basically Yoonchae as a whole. “Sweaty.”
Megan snickered from the seat parallel to Yoonchae.
Yoonchae waved them off and some of the embarrassment with it. If she was quick enough, she could shower when they returned to the hotel before they had to pile back in for the airport in an hour and a half.
“Fine. Very tired,” she muttered.
“You can take a nap. I’ll wake you up,” Megan offered. Her face was suddenly more serious.
Manon chimed in despite having wired headphones in. Yoonchae bet those didn’t cancel any noise anyway.
“We’ve got like forty minutes to the hotel. Can we stop to pick up food?”
Sophia called up to the front of the bus where the driver and some of the staff sat. Yoonchae had at this point ignored the yelling, but she saw Sophia flash a thumbs up to the seats behind her.
When Yoonchae blinked again, Megan was suddenly leaning on the seat beside her. Yoonchae startled.
“Seriously, go to sleep. What do you want from In-and-Out?”
“Nothing. And I can’t go to sleep.”
Megan eyed her, plopping back down in the two seats she had been taking up. Yoonchae squirmed under her brown eyes, looking down at the stitching of her sweatpants.
“Hey, I have melatonin,” Daniela added. She was sitting in the row in front of Yoonchae, now bracing her elbows over the headrest to peer down at the exhausted girl.
Yoonchae grunted noncommittally. The direct fan she had aimed from the ceiling was finally doing its job. She let her eyes slip close again, head lolling to the side.
Above her, Dani and Megan exchanged a look. Megan leaned over the back of her own seat to kick Sophia, who was still furiously digging for a cable to charge her very dead phone.
“What? You found it?” she exclaimed.
Megan laughed at her despair before shaking her head. “No. Dani probably has one, though. What’s up with Yoonchae?”
Sophia glanced over at her roommate. “I don’t think she’s been sleeping good. I bought some of that lavender spray Dani has but it doesn’t seem to be working.”
Daniela popped up at her name. She lightly tossed a portable charger to Sophia, who fumbled it and sent it clattering to the floor. Lara and Manon sat up.
“Oh wow, what are we talking about?” Lara asked instantly, sliding her headphones around her neck.
Megan jerked a thumb in the direction of Yoonchae’s sleeping form.
“The schedule’s been intense lately. I don’t think that it’s she can’t sleep—she just isn’t able. I mean, we literally have to be on a plane in like an hour,” Sophia pointed out.
Manon frowned. “Yeah. It’s been a lot recently. I think I literally performed with Covid last week.”
Lara shrieked in protest. “Gross, Manon!”
Megan leaned her cheek against the fabric. “I literally ate four of those cinnamon sticks without realizing—it was right after practice and I think I was hallucinating.”
“Jesus, Megan. Did you have an Epi?” Daniela cut in. Concern etched her brow.
Megan shrugged. “No. Sophia made me throw up.”
Sophia cringed but nodded in confirmation.
“It’s been rough. We just have to push through for a couple more weeks, okay? Then we have a break, maybe just a couple interviews. We can do it,” she said. It was all very on-brand for Sophia.
Manon sighed, leaning back in her seat. “You’re right.”
“These festivals are really beneficial. We should try to think of them as opportunities, not just another performance,” Sophia continued. Lara hummed and snapped in her direction.
“Sophia the wise, to the rescue,” Daniela mused. Sophia stuck her tongue out at her.
Megan imitated Manon. “So, has anyone actually packed yet, or?”
Lara gasped. “Um, yes! We all have.”
“Wait, seriously?” Megan flushed. “I thought we were all going to procrastinate!”
Sophia laughed loudly. Yoonchae jerked out of her sleep. Everyone lowered their voices slightly, Sophia sending an apology.
Yoonchae rubbed at her eyes, pulling herself up in her seat. She felt disgusting. The dried sweat now made her feel like she was an ice cube, and she was pretty sure that her limbs weighed at least a ton.
She wasn’t sure how long she was staring at the back of Dani’s seat for, but Megan was shaking her shoulder.
A trash bag was in the middle of the aisle, Lara and Manon hurdling it after dropping burger wrappers and empty fry containers inside. Had they stopped already? Where even were they?
“We’re at the hotel. Staff says we have fifteen minutes,” Megan said. Her cadence gave Yoonchae the impression that this wasn’t the first time she’d said it.
Yoonchae nodded, pulling herself out of the seat and almost forgetting her phone plugged into the outlet. Megan reached it for her.
“I think Manon and Sophia already grabbed your stuff.”
Yoonchae hummed, but then the meaning of her words set in. “What?”
Megan gently stroked her hand on Yoonchae’s shoulder. She was sure that it was probably sticky but Megan showed no indication if it was.
“We let you chill on the bus for a minute. Sorry—I didn’t know you wanted to shower until Lara mentioned something.”
Yoonchae halted in the lobby. The bright yellow of chandelier lighting irritated her fuzzy eyes. “Oh. Okay.”
Megan’s face shifted into something Yoonchae couldn’t recognize. It probably didn’t have an English proxy.
Yoonchae was able to shower in fifteen minutes, climbing the stairs of the bus and finding herself last. Lara was clad with large sunglasses despite it being practically one in the morning and Sophia was holding a steaming hot coffee. Yoonchae didn’t know how she would sleep with that much caffeine. Dani was already lying across two seats with an ice pack resting over her upper inner thigh.
Megan and Manon were watching something together, the latter slumped over the younger girl’s shoulder with her eyes half shut.
Yoonchae felt her chest twinge at the entire site. She refused to let it bubble over into tears, instead making a B-line for her seat.
The airport wasn’t far. Yoonchae tied her wet hair up into a bun and pulled on a ball cap that may or may not be hers.
Lights on the bus dimmed to a faint blue for safety purposes. Yoonchae sighed quietly, opening her phone. Instagram was stuffed to the brim with notifications she didn’t have the energy to search through. She simply checked out some of the fancam footage she’d been tagged in and feed from KATSEYE’s official page.
Yoonchae scrolled through hundreds of comments. Her stomach sank.
does anybody think yoonchae looks tired?
there’s literally no synchronization
this is why yoonchae doesn’t get any lines
our unproblematic queen looks exhausted of those girls
she totally should’ve debuted in kpop
bro yoonchae literally has no energy
Yoonchae felt heat prick at the corner of her eyes. A tight knot formed deep in her chest. The fans always had something to say—normally, it didn’t involve her. She could feel in a more straightforward way when it was about someone else: angry and sympathetic. She could go through on her secret account and scroll through comment sections for hours reporting anyone and everyone who left a hateful comment on other members’ posts.
But it was happening to her. She always tried to be likable. She tried to work hard and deliver for the fans, trying to be a role model for all the young girls out there finding their way like she was.
She felt her nose clog up and her throat burn. She didn’t think it would be that obvious that she was tired—she really had been putting her all into every move, every line.
Daniela suddenly swam into Yoonchae’s peripheral. She was wearing a disappointed scowl, snatching the screen right out of Yoonchae’s hands and taking a look.
“Don’t pay attention to it too much. You can only control you, okay?” Dani whispered. She was speaking from experience, eyes full of her own memories with bullies online picking apart her every breath.
Yoonchae hastily wiped under her eyes so hard it stung. “Okay. Sorry.”
Daniela quirked a brow. “Don’t say stuff like that to me.” She split into a grin.
Yoonchae offered a slight smile.
Dani didn’t give her back her phone, returning back to her seat. Yoonchae worried her bottom lip, staring out the window.
The letters still danced around in her reflection, taking the shapes of monsters and sinking their teeth right into her skin. Yoonchae didn’t fight too hard as they ambushed her.
She closed her eyes tightly. Sleep came over her in an instant.
***
Yoonchae needed to find a way to stay awake.
She didn’t have the years of experimentation with caffeine or taurine that most American high schoolers had when desperately trying to earn a diploma.
Everybody else seemed to have it narrowed down. Coffees, Red Bulls, Celsius, the works. The other girls were probably just as exhausted as her, but they were better at hiding it.
Yoonchae desperately wanted to learn.
So on their next promo excursion before another music festival, she bought an array of different energy drinks, coffees, and even this energized gum to try. It cost her a small fortune in 7-Eleven and several strange looks from the checkout clerk, but who cared?
Well, Yoonchae did very much so, actually. The cashier spoke in quick English while bagging her items, more than once pausing and looking at her expectantly.
Yoonchae chuckled awkwardly, praying Lara would get out of the bathroom quicker.
“Sorry. I don’t understand very well,” Yoonchae settled on saying. The cashier nodded slowly, brow still pulled into a skeptical squint.
Lara met Yoonchae at the register, saving Yoonchae by making quick small talk while Yoonchae flashed her credit card.
“Yeah, we’re just traveling. See some of the artists playing. Okay, you have a nice one, too. Yeah, we’ll take some time to see it.”
Yoonchae picked up on a couple phrases. It finally clicked in her mind that the woman was trying to ask her about vacationing and looking at local sites that Yoonchae couldn’t pronounce.
Lara linked her arm in Yoonchae’s, flashing her a grin. “Almost get recognized or something?” she teased.
Yoonchae pushed her glasses up on her face. Her ears might still be pink. “No.”
Lara laughed at Yoonchae’s protests. Her long jacket flowed gracefully behind them as they walked. “So what’d you get?”
“Nothing. Drinks,” Yoonchae said, a little too quick.
“Okay, okay. Just wanted to know what cost you twenty-five dollars.”
Yoonchae frowned, peeking into the plastic bag. She probably could’ve skipped out on some of the more niche brands and stuck to the big three.
“Lara,” Yoonchae said. Lara hummed—she loved when Yoonchae would say her name in the middle of conversation, like she needed to clarify exactly that the message was for her. “Do you ever get… um, how do you…”
Lara waited patiently, waving slightly at Manon and the girls who were waiting just across the street.
“Are you ever tired of words?” Yoonchae tried.
“Like, talking?”
“No. More like reading. Like what other people write, or say.”
Lara pursed her lips in thoughtfulness. Yoonchae was deeply grateful that she wasn’t choosing to tease or brush her off.
“Sometimes. People give unsolicited advice a lot—it makes me tired trying to live up to all of it. But then I realize, I don’t need to listen to them. They don’t know me,” Lara explained.
“Unsolicited?”
Lara’s mouth formed an ‘o’. “It’s basically unwanted, or like, you didn’t ask for it.”
Yoonchae nodded. She tried to absorb the answer, but it still didn’t make perfect sense. Didn’t the fans have a right to judge her?
The girls headed back to the hotel. The editing team had more than enough footage for day one, so they had a little bit of time to themselves.
Manon and Daniela’s room had become the designated hangout location, so now the other four girls were sprawled out on the floor or on the bed. Manon, Lara, and Dani were talking about going on live, so Megan, Sophia, and Yoonchae took refuge on the carpet at the foot of the bed.
Megan was pressed as close as possible without actually touching Yoonchae, flat on her stomach and watching TikTok. Her phone was angled halfway towards Yoonchae when she realized the younger girl wasn’t even watching her own For You page anymore.
Yoonchae felt around behind her. She closed her fingers around the light red can of Red Bull she brought in here—some kind of cherry flavor. Yoonchae liked cherry.
She brought it in front of her and sat crisscross. Megan side eyed her curiously, watching as Yoonchae popped the seal.
The fizz of carbonation alerted everyone in the room, even the trio on the bed who had been laughing nonstop for thirty minutes.
“What is that?” Manon pointed accusatively.
Yoonchae glanced up at the five pairs of eyes on her nervously. “Uh, Red Bull.”
“Oh my God, Yooonchae, you drink Red Bull now?” Lara exclaimed. Yoonchae internally cringed when she remembered that probably a thousand other people were hearing this too.
“I’m trying it,” Yoonchae clarified.
Sophia looked wary. She opted not to say anything, but that was an answer in itself.
Megan spun the can around. “Nice flavor. That one’s in my top ten.”
Yoonchae took it back from her with a pout. She lifted it towards her lips. The entire room was silent, as if she was about to burst into opera singing rather than take a sip of a drink everyone else had a million times before.
She took a sip, throat burning on the aftertaste. She was painfully aware it must be written all over her face.
“Well?” Daniela demanded.
Yoonchae put the can down. “I like it,” she gritted out.
Lara snorted and Manon’s face softened. Yoonchae heard her whisper something like God, you’re so cute under her breath, which Yoonchae kind of appreciated.
“So no sip for me?” Megan sighed.
Yoonchae held up her finger. As an apology, when she lied back down on her stomach, she allowed their shoulders to touch and their hips to brush.
The can was emptied by the end of the hour and orange light filtered through the hotel curtains. The three on live had been uncharacteristically quiet. Lara seemed upset—maybe mad, answering comments flatly and several times going on mute to whisper something to Dani and Manon. Speaking of, Dani kept casting glances in the direction of them and Manon was anxiously fiddling with her braids.
Sophia had clearly caught on as well, finally standing up and gesturing to put it on mute.
“Okay, just turn off the live. It’s gone on for too long. I bet half of these aren’t even Eyekons anymore.” Sophia’s lips formed a thin line.
Megan perked up, watching the interaction unfold with eyes as wide as Yoonchae’s were.
Dani complied, briefly turning the mic back on to explain that they were ‘needed for a promo’ before waving goodbye and shutting it off.
Yoonchae was suddenly very self-aware. She wished she’d tuned in on the live to see what was going on for herself.
“Is everything okay?” Megan asked slowly. Her eyes flicked to the three sitting tensely on the bed.
“Just some trolls. We can find some of their accounts and report them,” Manon offered.
Lara rubbed her temple. “It won’t help now. WeVerse doesn’t replay comments, anyway. We can just ask management to take down recordings that have the comments.”
Sophia checked her watch. Her jaw ticked slightly and Yoonchae wanted to sink into the floor. To avoid that disaster she dug her nails into her palms and tried to focus on the bite.
Megan wasn’t satisfied with being out of the loop. “What the hell, guys? Was it just haters?”
Dani hummed slightly. “Yeah. Lots of people were talking about you and Lara, Yoonchae.”
Yoonchae paled slightly. Her eyes flicked to the red can of Red Bull, gathering it in her hand and squeezing lightly.
“Oh,” she said. It was unconvincing—meek even in her own ears. She felt like she was saying that a lot lately.
“So what?” Megan threw up a hand, now back on her knees.
“So nothing,” Sophia cut in. “It shouldn’t matter. I’d do this for any of you. I don’t know why they chose to do this in live—comments are one thing.”
“They’re getting braver,” Daniela joked bitterly.
Yoonchae stood up very suddenly, so quickly it scared Megan into flinching instinctively.
“Okay. It’s—I’m, um, I’m going. Now. Goodnight,” she got out hurriedly.
“Yoonchae, hold on—“ Megan started, reaching her hand out. Yoonchae dodged.
“I’m tired. I’m very tired.”
Yoonchae struggled with the deadbolt, accidentally locking herself in before lunging through the threshold. A rush of colder air filled her lungs. Her room was just two over, but outside the door is when she remembered leaving Sophia both of the keys.
She opted for the lobby instead. But as soon as the elevator opened, she spotted nearly her entire security team at the bar. Yoonchae pressed herself flat against the wall, spamming the close button.
Sophia would probably be with the other girls for a little while longer. Yoonchae couldn’t handle walking back in after her breakdown.
Her back slid down the wallpapered wall. She felt the buzz of the taurine leaving her, mentally ticking off Red Bull as ineffective.
Yoonchae drew her knees to her chest, head resting uncomfortably on them. She wouldn’t cry. She was grown now—she’d outgrown crying. Plus, crying always made her feel sickly and out of control. A pop-star shouldn’t be either of those.
She let her eyes drift close. Beside her, she was somewhat aware of her phone buzzing, but didn’t have the heart to flip it over.
Yoonchae felt like she had only been in the beginning of a dream when someone grabbed her.
“Kamjag-iya!” she gasped, eyes flying open to reveal strands of pink hair and soft brown eyes.
Megan was crouched to her level, looking kind of frantic. Her gaze flitted between Yoonchae’s eyes, hand coming up to cup her cheek.
“Yoonchae! Where have you been? Why are you in the hallway?”
Yoonchae pulled one hand out of Megan’s grip, rubbing her eyes. “Sophia has my key.”
“Why haven’t you knocked? Do you know how many times I called you?”
Yoonchae flipped her phone. Wow. Ten missed calls from Megan, six from Sophia, and two from Lara. That hardly made sense. Sophia was still with them and Yoonchae had just sat down.
“Sophia is with you,” Yoonchae said sharper than intended. “In Manon and Dani’s room.”
Megan’s face fell back into that unreadable expression. Yoonchae stifled a yawn.
“No, Yoonchae. She left right after you did—she’s literally right inside. It’s been an hour.”
Yoonchae’s stomach churned. She looked around the hallway, fingers subconsciously gripping into Megan’s forearms.
“Oh.”
“Come on. Do you know how dangerous this was?”
“I’m sorry.”
Megan rapped on the door, pulling Yoonchae up. She didn’t take her eyes off her, like Yoonchae might dissipate any second.
“You know we have a concert in two days. I think you should call out sick,” Megan said firmly.
Yoonchae recoiled in panic. “No! No, I can’t. I need to practice. Be sharp.”
Megan shook her head. “I’m serious. Just for one day—sleep for twenty-four hours. Take naps. Please.”
“Megan, I need to practice,” Yoonchae insisted. “I have more energy drinks to try. I’ll sleep, I promise, and stay awake in the day time.”
Sophia yanked open the door, toothpaste across her chin in a pattern that suggested she spat the toothbrush out rather than just taking it out like a normal person in a hurry.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Sophia murmured under her breath, wrapping Yoonchae into a tight squeeze.
Megan gnawed on the inside of her cheek. “I’ll be in my room. Good night.”
Yoonchae turned her head slightly to say something back. “Bye, Megan.”
Sophia let her roommate go, closing the heavy door and directing them directly to the queen beds. “Sleep. Right now.”
Yoonchae opened her mouth to protest.
“Yoonchae. Shoes, then close your eyes.”
She cooperated, toeing off her sneakers and pulling off her sweatshirt. Sophia was watching like a hawk as Yoonchae pulled the covers around herself.
Yoonchae closed her eyes. She hardly had time to think about the hallway and the live-gone-wrong before sleep washed over her.
***
The alarm seemed specifically loud the morning of the event.
Yoonchae reached over to shut it off. Sophia was already sitting up in her bed, sliding on a set of fluffy slippers and waddling toward the bathroom.
Yoonchae had in fact not followed Megan’s instructions and practiced as normal the day before. She tried both Celsius and Monster, finding the latter to be somewhat more effective and was able to go all day without nodding off. Yes, there were close calls where she wanted to do nothing more but let her eyelids drift close, but she took another sip of Monster and powered through.
She unplugged her phone and glared at the harsh blue light. Her glasses were somewhere in her bag, but that was out of arms reach and she didn’t know if she could manage the walk.
Like on the bus, a hundred notifications battled for her attention. She was hesitant to post any new pictures after the earlier developments, but maybe this was the perfect way to prove the haters wrong.
She jotted down to take good solo pictures before glam in her Notes app.
Sophia emerged in a matching blue set. Yoonchae noticed her damp hair.
The newest development that Yoonchae had noticed about the world was the inconsistency of time. Since a week or two ago, when their schedule really intensified, she felt like she was living moments in years while every one else was in seconds.
“You can have the bathroom. I’m going to grab coffee and breakfast—Lara’s downstairs with Dani already. Meet us?” Sophia offered. She seemed slightly less irritated than last night.
“Yeah. I will meet you in a second,” Yoonchae agreed. She finally hauled off the sheets, digging through her unpacked bag for some kind of acceptable outfit.
She made sure to stuff a hotel key in her wallet, heading for the door and passing the mini fridge.
Yoonchae hesitated. She ground her teeth together, then wheeled back around for her metal water bottle. A Monster was waiting in the fridge for her—she dumped the liquid in the water bottle and hoped Megan and Manon wouldn’t ask for a sip.
She met the girls downstairs. Manon and Megan joined them just a couple moments later.
Yoonchae took a cup of yogurt. She wasn’t sure if enough energy had built up yet to chew down a full meal. She drizzled a little bit of granola on top, enough of a meal to avoid questioning from any of the girls.
Specifically Sophia.
Megan was chattering excitedly about the performance, wrapping Daniela into enough jokes that she lightly punched her from across the table.
“Do we have interviews today?” Lara asked.
Manon answered with a mouth full of food, which she was kicked by Sophia for. “Yeah. It’s for the tour diaries.”
“I had a dream about it,” Daniela announced with a wicked smile.
Megan slammed her palms on the table. “No way. I had a dream about it, too! In mine, Yoon—“
Megan cut herself off, clearing her throat. “It was a disaster, to say the least. But a funny one.”
Lara wiggled her eyebrows at Megan. Yoonchae watched Megan stiffly sip her juice.
Dani laughed. “Okay, anyway.”
She launched into a detailed story about what her dream entailed, but Yoonchae had stopped listening. Typically, she loved hearing her stories since she always put on fun accents that Lara and Manon jumped in on. But Yoonchae’s stomach suddenly twisted.
She checked the time on her phone, hoping she could escape without it being weird, but they’d only been sitting there for five or so minutes.
Yoonchae also noticed that KATSEYE’s page had posted some of their practice footage.
She opened it, not even attempting to watch it and jumping straight for the comments. Most were kind, praising the girls for their hard work paying off. But as she scrolled, she noticed a picture in the comments.
It was a sticker of Yoonchae with her arms full of cans, pixelated like it was zoomed in from a couple aisles over.
Yoonchae bounced her heel up and down in her seat.
There were a series of blue words above to link it to a search: Yoonchae buying energy drinks.
It was innocent enough. Yoonchae pressed it, finding a couple videos of the same grainy footage. It was Yoonchae taking five cans into her arms and placing them down on the checkout counter, also snagging a pack of what Yoonchae knew was gum, but what others thought might be cigarettes or candy.
It displayed Yoonchae struggling to keep up with the cashier, her pulling out her card and the cashier squinting at her. The angle made it seem like he was staring at some kind of ID card.
Yoonchae’s heart sunk to her stomach.
The comments were full of shocked Eyekons. Some tried to confirm that they were cigarettes, others defending her with zoomed in screenshots of the pack in her hand. But one thing was unanimous—she had purchased an ungodly amount of energy drinks after appearing exhausted on stage.
Yoonchae watched fan theories spin out. HYBE was overworking them. Geffen wasn’t providing proper rest intervals. Maybe this was why Manon was so lazy. Yoonchae needed to have more respect for her body. Yoonchae should speak up. Yoonchae shouldn’t be tired because this was her job.
She felt hot spit pool in her mouth. Yoonchae bit back a gag.
Megan was watching her carefully. There was a warmth pressed to her knee, and Yoonchae came to realize it was Megan’s hand beneath the table.
Yoonchae stared down at the yogurt in her cup, the texture turning sloshy to her in real time. She lifted her eyes to meet Megan’s quickly.
Megan was clueless, but understood at least that something was wrong. She stood up and Yoonchae followed her.
The other girls quieted instantly, sharing quizzical looks with one another.
“Um. We’ll be back,” Megan said vaguely, looking for a cue from Yoonchae.
She didn’t give one.
Or maybe running directly for the bathroom was a cue in itself. She looked for the first open stall, knees hitting the tile right before she emptied the minimal contents of her stomach.
Megan was right beside her, holding back her shiny hair and resting a hand tentatively on her back.
“It’s okay. You’re okay,” Megan muttered. Yoonchae heaved until there was nothing left.
Megan was growing anxious. She watched Yoonchae lurch forward every few seconds, unable to summon anything else up. Was that normal?
“Okay. Give me your hand,” Megan said gently. Yoonchae gave in without pressure. Megan guided it to her hair to hold where Megan had been. “I’m gonna be right back. Keep breathing.”
Megan rushed out of the bathroom, ignoring a look from a housekeeper she almost barreled into. She needed to find Sophia—Megan was terrible at comforting people, but that was Sophia’s forté.
“Sophia!” she cried before she even reached the able. Everyone else stood up too.
“She’s throwing up—but there’s nothing left. She just keeps—like she’s trying—she keeps dry heaving. Is that normal? I left her in there,” Megan spluttered. The guilt of leaving Yoonchae kneeling and alone staked her right through the heart.
Sophia didn’t answer any of Megan’s questions or statements. “Can somebody grab some medicine? And maybe grab her another shirt? And water. Definitely her water bottle.”
Sophia followed Megan back into the bathroom. The other girls scattered to eagerly do what Sophia asked.
Yoonchae was slumped halfway against the vinyl of the stall, eyes half shut. She seemed to have settle before hunching forward and gagging again.
“Okay, Yoonchip. You’re doing okay. We’re going to help you out,” Sophia cooed. Yoonchae grumbled something foreign.
“Come here. Deep breaths, all the way to your belly,” she said softly. Megan watched helplessly from above as Sophia pulled Yoonchae closer to her, taking the younger girl’s hand and putting it on her own chest.
Yoonchae followed along, having to stop only a few times when another wave hit her.
“Megan,” Sophia finally said. Megan instantly closed the gap between them.
“Take her wrist. Okay, now move two or three finger-lengths down from the base of her thumb. Yeah—right here. Now gently press down with your thumb and move in a small circle.”
Megan did precisely as she was told, gauging Yoonchae for a reaction the entire time. She only leaned into the contact and kept her eyes on the tile.
“How do you—“ Megan began.
“She used to get nightmares after we were chosen for KATSEYE. She’d always throw up if we ate late at night—“
“Which was all the time,” Megan muttered.
Sophia nodded. “And this would happen sometimes. I looked up a couple videos, but then they stopped. It hasn’t happened in a while.”
Megan stared at Yoonchae’s slumped figure. The color seemed to be returning to her face, though she had yet to look up from the tile. She felt her chest tighten at a much younger Yoonchae dealing with this every night while Sophia would take care of her.
Daniela burst into the bathroom with Manon, holding Yoonchae’s water bottle and a blue tank top.
“Lara’s finding the meds,” Manon filled in. She passed the shirt to Sophia.
Dani popped open the cap to the bottle, hesitating. Yoonchae tensed in Megan’s hold, forehead pulling away from where it had been on Sophia’s shoulder.
“I’ve just gotta… refill it,” Daniela trailed. Sophia furrowed her brow at her, but Dani was gone, returning with a plastic water bottle instead.
Yoonchae took small sips when in her new tank top that didn’t awfully clash with her pants. Lara arrived with medicine.
“Okay. We’re all okay now,” Sophia announced when Yoonchae stood up on her own. Megan hadn’t exactly let go of her wrist yet.
“I think we should tell the staff about this,” Manon said abruptly, arms crossed over her chest.
“I agree,” Megan said quietly.
Yoonchae shook her head slightly. “No. This wasn’t my first time. Right, Sophia?”
Sophia opened her mouth, then closed it. Dani and Lara exchanged a quick uneasy glance.
“But it was the first one in years,” Megan pressed. She really didn’t want Yoonchae on a stage after witnessing this—actually, she didn’t want to be on stage either. Was postponing a concert with thousands of seats sold impossible?
“I ate something bad at night. It happens,” Yoonchae said simply. Megan watched as she realized the heat of Megan’s thumb was still pressed to her wrist and froze slightly.
Sophia was still silent.
Lara spoke instead. “Are you sure, Yoonchae? There’s no shame in taking time for yourself.”
Manon nodded. “You should’ve taken it a while ago.”
Yoonchae disagreed. There was shame in quitting—that had been very clear to her ever since Dream Academy. So she couldn’t—she always figured out a way to perform, she could do it now.
“No. I’m okay to perform.”
The girls nodded slowly. Yoonchae finally pulled away from Megan, leaving the older girl cold.
Dani sighed. “Okay. Just please be careful.”
***
Yoonchae didn’t know why Daniela hadn’t mentioned the lack of water in her water bottle. Maybe she didn’t think it was significant.
The drink was gone before warmups and sound check, Yoonchae wearing her most comfortable jeans and a looser fitting top she desperately hoped she wouldn’t sweat through.
Megan and Manon had very much been observing Yoonchae all day. Sophia, too. The three were always suspiciously close when Yoonchae would look up from her phone or enter a new room.
“Okay, girls. On in forty seconds,” Missy announced.
Yoonchae stood rigidly, jittering with adrenaline. Lara was swaying in front of her one moment and still the next—it was hard to tell if Yoonchae was imagining things that weren’t there.
They were given the signal.
The lights were immediately blinding to Yoonchae, sounds amplified to an overwhelming degree. She focused on her position and going through the motions.
Her spacing was slightly off once. Daniela compensated and checked her with a careful look. Yoonchae took a breath for her line and worked harder to keep it together.
When they paused to talk to the fans, Sophia had to take over and answer for both her and Megan, who was exceptionally nervous for some reason.
Manon was a lifesaver with quick jokes and clinging onto Yoonchae’s shoulder like she belonged there.
The encore approached before Yoonchae processed that the setlist was over. She was pretty sure the ground was swaying under her and that her extremities shaking were no longer because of adrenaline or nerves.
Yoonchae spared a glance at the girls, who while better off than her, were feeling the fatigue.
She briefly closed her eyes to ground herself, but when she opened them it worsened. Everything was fuzzy like she was cross-eyed, the space in front of her was shifting like tide on the shore, and she felt like her blush might be visible over her makeup.
Yoonchae took her place as the final notes of “My Way” sounded. She was a count behind, unable to distinct them from one another.
The pressure behind her eyes was building, expanding to her temples and then the space near her ears.
Yoonchae propped her arm up on Megan’s shoulder and clasped her hand in Lara’s. She was vaguely aware that she was tipping sideways, Megan linking an arm around her waist like it was what she was supposed to do.
The lights dimmed. Yoonchae’s head lolled forward. Megan was practically holding her up, waiting until the mics were off before speaking.
“Hold on. Come on, we can’t stay. Lara!” Megan hissed across Yoonchae. Lara nodded and blocked the crowd’s view of Yoonchae as Megan walked her through the dark.
Sophia made her goodbye brief, dragging Dani and Manon with her to stage left after Megan.
Yoonchae closed her eyes. She kind of wanted to curl up and die—unable to even form complete thoughts in her own mind. She slumped forward right before they made it off the stage, Megan groaning in effort as she tried to keep both of them upright.
Yoonchae couldn’t hold it together, letting herself fall limp and into blackness.
“Help! Help!” Megan shouted. As Yoonchae dropped, so did she, both of them tumbling to the floor.
Lara was madly waving down the staff while Sophia helped Megan lift Yoonchae the final distance off stage.
Manon and Dani were clearing a path. Lara had found a medic, and now seven of them were jammed into a white tent.
Yoonchae came to slowly, babbling incoherently. She was having a hard time focusing on the medic asking her name.
The medic ushered them out of the tent.
Megan tore her mic off her face, not caring about the outbreak it would probably leave later. “God! I knew we should’ve pulled her!”
Dani had her face in her hands. Lara and Sophia were still in a hug.
Manon seemed furious and disappointed all the same. “I’m going to management about this. This kid is getting two hour of sleep a night—her brain is still developing! None of us need to be going below six, but especially not her.”
Megan squatted on the pavement, tears threatening to spill. “I love her so much. I should’ve been there.”
“We all love her. We should’ve pushed harder for her to sleep,” Dani said firmly.
Megan shook her head. “No. I love her. Like, really.”
Everybody froze for a second, then Lara pulled away from Sophia. Megan bit her lower lip.
Then Manon was hugging her tightly, practically supporting Megan’s entire body weight. “She’s gonna be okay.”
“Things are changing too fast. What if this breaks us?” Megan asked, very aware of the wobble in her voice.
Sophia was pacing now. “Nothing can break us. We’re a family. What we can do now is be there for Yoonchae however we can.”
Lara ran a thumb under her eyes. “Well, Megan and Yoonchae seem to be a different kind of family.”
Dani looked up with a careful smile. “Took the words out of my mouth.”
Megan blushed, burying her cheek in a Manon’s neck. “Stop it. Too soon.”
Manon was holding in her own laugh—Megan could tell by her lack of breath. “Well, you don’t think you should tell her?”
Megan stepped back. She glanced backwards at the tent.
“No. I’ll do it.”
***
Yoonchae woke up vividly for the first time in her hotel room. Something was warm in her hand, and upon glancing down she realized it was Megan’s hand.
Megan jerked awake when Yoonchae exhaled, a crease on the side of her face from the pillow. She was on top of the sheets beside Yoonchae, the younger girl in clothes that didn’t entirely seem like hers and wrapped in the white.
“Yoonchae!” Megan cleared her throat. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
Yoonchae hummed, squeezing Megan’s hand gently.
“I, um—“ Megan stated. She was subconsciously flexing her fingers around Yoonchae’s hand. “I don’t want to spring something on you.”
“Just say it, Megan.”
Megan grinned sheepishly. “I love you. Like, love you, love you.”
Yoonchae paused. Megan’s face fell slightly. Yoonchae desperately searched for the words.
“I think I love you too,” Yoonchae settled on. “But—can we go slow? I don’t know if—like, I just—slow is okay?”
Megan eagerly nodded. “Yes, yes, slow is great!”
She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the back of Yoonchae’s knuckles. Yoonchae flushed.
“Sorry. That wasn’t slow,” Megan said after a long period of self-reflection.
Yoonchae laughed. Don’t get her wrong, she still felt like her entire body had been wrung out, but Megan was holding her hand and the imprint of her chapstick might forever be ingrained there.
“It was slow enough for me.”