Chapter Text
Best Boston Bros No Cap
Marly: listen up
Marly: your A is speaking
Marly: theres an important task for yall dumbasses
Hammer: are you sure we should be talking about this here
Hammer: without cap
Carmy: like we are doing this behind his back
Carmy: hes gonna find out
St. Vicky: the betrayal!
Carmy: he’ll be pissed
Carmy: and make us bag skate until we puke
Sebby: How is that different from what’s already happening now?
Carmy: shutup rookie
Sebby: Literally this is my second year on the team…
Carmy: wtv we make the rules so you are still a rookie
Sebby: 🙄
Marly: we are getting offtopic here
Marly: focus guys if we ever want to solve the montreal jane mystery
Marly: this whatever thing roz is doing cant go on any longer
Carmy: the insane practices
Carmy: look, i signed up for the MLH draft not the army draft
CC: the mood swings
CC: the moping
CC: the sad russians dont cry faces
St. Vicky: we are doing this because we love him
CC and Carmy liked this message.
Marly: yah!
Hammer: yah!
Sebby: Sure we love Cap but I’m still confused what we are trying to accomplish here.
St. Vicky: but not like in a i want to date him way
St. Vicky: we love roz like a plant, plantly
St. Vicky: obviously his love belongs to montreal jane
Sebby: You mean platonically?
Sebby: Or we could just MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS?
Sebby: Like normal people?
Marly: its too late for that weve passed the point of no return
Marly: you scared rookie
Sebby: 🖕
Sebby: 😑
Marly: think about all the things roz has done for the team for us
Marly: he went with me to visit my nana when she was dying of cancer every fcking week when we were home
Sebby, St. Vicky, CC, Carmy, and Hammer loved this message.
Carmy: remember the time roz hired a personal chef and had us all over his place
Carmy: it was because i missed the food my ma used to make and having all of my siblings and cousins and uncles and aunts over
Carmy: and our schedule was back to back for a stretch
Carmy: anyway he somehow remembered every dish i ever mentioned
CC: dude he never said anything
CC: carmy why didnt you say anything
Carmy: what you would cook for me
Carmy: i dont wanna die yet
CC: fuck off
Carmy: plus i dont know for sure ok?
Carmy: its not like i talked to roz about it before or after
Carmy: he just did what he did
St. Vicky: we also got blind drunk
St. Vicky: on some good whisky bourbon shit
Carmy: you lot cant tell paint thinner from the good stuff
Carmy: i should have told cap to not spring for the nice shit on you dumbasses
Hammer: michelle from performance and sports sciences was soooooo pissed
Hammer: i thought she was not going to let us eat or drink anything other than pasta with chicken breast and green smoothies until the playoffs
St. Vicky: well worth it
Carmy, CC, Hammer, and Marly liked this message.
Sebby: Look I get it.
Sebby: I’m living my dream life because of him.
Sebby: BUT
Sebby: Cap is obviously very protective about his… Jane.
Sebby: I just feel we are violating his trust if we go behind his back to figure out her identity.
Sebby: That Cap wishes to remain hidden from everyone I might add.
Hammer: sure
Hammer: but hes also really really fcked up about whatever happened
CC: its our duty as teammates and friends to find jane
St. Vicky: and ask for forgiveness
St. Vicky: its probably caps fault right
Hammer: probably
CC: definitely
Carmy: we are not above begging
Carmy: she has to take him back
St. Vicky, hammer, CC, Marly liked this message.
Sebby: And if she doesn’t want to?
St. Vicky: we wear her down
St. Vicky: with our charm of course
Hammer: and our good looks
CC: well we better cover your ugly mug with something first
Hammer: 🖕
Marly: focus!
Marly: we cant do any of that if we cant find her
Marly: ok lets recap what we know about montreal jane
St. Vicky: cap sees her every time we are in montreal
St. Vicky: ive seen him text her about meeting up when we are there
Marly: yah i think most of us have seen that
Marly: thats why shes montreal jane
Carmy: but like when roz crashed out
Carmy: it was when we last played montreal at home right
Carmy: roz skipped optional skate the day before
St. Vicky: which means jane was possibly visiting him?
St. Vicky: or roz finally tried to invite her to a game and somehow fumbled?
Marly: hes head was not in the game that night for sure
CC: maybe he played like trash and she dumped him?
CC: shes got to be a hockey fan
CC: cant imagine cap dating someone who doesnt like hockey
Marly: nah he was in a mood that day before the game
St. Vicky: so what you think she dumped him just before the game?
St. Vicky: bro thats brutal
Hammer: maybe shes a voyageur sleeper agent
Carmy: 🤔
Carmy: well…
Marly: wtf hammer
Marly: thats the stupidest thing ive heard all week and i work with you idiots
CC: hey hey hold on check this out
CC shared a link.
Marly: what am i looking at who is this
CC: shes an influencer based in montreal
CC: my sister likes her
CC: shes like her best friends cousin or something and she travels a lot to film about fashion and makeup and bags and shit
CC: i dunno like i said my sister likes her and follows her insta
CC: but like she comes to the states sometimes you know
CC: mostly nyc but boston is close enough right
Carmy: uh huh nice try dude your sister likes her
CC: wtv i have eyes
CC: shes hot enough for roz
CC: weve all seen the other chicks cap leaves clubs with right
CC: would he ever date anyone not hot???
Marly: fair enough
Hammer: nice rack
Marly: omg wtf hammer
Marly: that is someones sister or daughter you moron
Marly: do i need to come over and punch you
Hammer: i thought we just agreed that roz would never date someone not hot
Marly: so not the point
Marly: for the love of lord stanley never say that to a girl or in public
Marly: if you ever want to get laid or dont want a drink poured on you
Marly: you know what dont ever say that ever
Hammer: but i can tell her shes hot?
Marly: hammy we will need to workshop your pickup lines
Marly: and maybe your entire personality
Marly: but lets focus on the task on hand
Sebby: Dude her name’s not even Jane.
Sebby: It’s Janie.
Sebby: There’s an entire extra “I” in there.
Carmy: well roz’s been texting this girl since his rookie season
Carmy: maybe he just misspelled her name the first time and never fixed it
Carmy: like remember how cap’s english wasnt great when he first started
St. Vicky: legit
St. Vicky: but wound’t he fix it after
St. Vicky: i dont think any girls gonna be happy if the guy they are hooking up with gets their name wrong like all the time
Carmy: maybe thats why she dumped him
St. Vicky: years later???
Sebby: And she’s 20.
Sebby: Right now.
Sebby: I don’t think Cap’s been “texting” her since his rookie season.
Hammer: bro!!!
Marly: not now hammy
St. Vicky: wtf hammer
St. Vicky: do we need to put you back on concussion protocol
Carmy: i think we are forgetting someone important here
Carmy: are we sure jane is not just code for ms vetrova
CC: i mean…
CC: shes hot
CC: her… you know… upper body
CC: and her lower body…
CC: i can say legs right thats not offensive
Marly: connor i swear to god
Marly: i cant believe im friends with idiots
St. Vicky: yes i think that says a lot about you
Marly: if roz hears you say that about svetlana he will kill you
Marly: apparently theyve been friends since forever and i guess he pretty protective of her
CC: and scary dont forget scary
CC: she can probably crush me with her pinkie
St. Vicky, Carmy, Hammer, and Marly liked this message.
St. Vicky: or her father will come back from russia and wipe us all out
CC, Hammer, Carmy, Sebby, and Marly liked this message.
Marly: im pretty sure they are just friends
Marly: maybe very good friends
Marly: friends who um maybe fuck
Marly: but i dont think shes jane
Carmy: yo
Carmy: bro
Carmy: maybe jane found out about ms vetrova and dumped his ass
Sebby: You mean all the years they’ve been hooking up while Cap slept across North America and maybe Europe too?
Sebby: Documented by every hockey tabloid in existence.
Marly: focus guys
Marly: we need to think this through better
Marly: what else do we know
Sebby: Ok, this might not be anything.
Sebby: But I don’t think Cap is sleeping around much anymore.
Hammer: what?!
Marly: ok i think ive noticed that too
CC: no you didnt
Sebby: Like, when I first got called up, I had this idea what the team and Cap was going to be like.
Sebby: The parties, the girls.
Sebby: And I have 3 sisters and my mom had to work really hard to get all of us to where we are now. So… I didn’t know I was going to be comfortable with some of that stuff off ice.
St. Vicky: dude we are not like that
Sebby: I know that now…
Sebby: Anyway, sure, we partied a lot.
Sebby: But one of the first things Cap pulled me aside for just before we went out was to give me a speech on how “no means no, maybe means no, next time means no, drunk means no, no answer means no, I need to go back to my friends means no”.
Sebby: Basically, unless a girl says yes very clearly, it’s a no.
Sebby: Which, yah, I knew that, but it was nice to know that the team is good about that stuff.
Hammer: damn right
Carmy and Marly liked a message.
CC: yup caps pretty serious about that stuff
Sebby: So anyway, Cap’s been trying to wingman me since I started, I guess.
Marly: cuz ur his rookie
Sebby: Sure.
Sebby: Sometimes stick close together when the team goes out.
Sebby: And I know for sure Cap doesn’t leave with nearly as many girls as the media makes it out to be.
Sebby: He mostly just made sure they got in a taxi or Uber to get home safe.
Sebby: And that was last year.
Sebby: He’s all but stopped taking anyone back this year.
Hammer: bro
CC: wtf
Sebby: Now he just dances and tries to find girls for me.
Carmy: you know you r the luckiest rookie right
Carmy: the girls roz pulls
Sebby: Um, I’m not sure that’s what I’m looking for in a relationship either…
Marly: so what?
Marly: you guys just go home?
Sebby: Sometimes?
Sebby: He sends me home because I, um, can’t function without sleep.
Sebby: But he stays with the team.
St. Vicky: how do we not know this
CC: dude
Sebby: He still flirts and sometimes makes out with girls I guess.
Sebby: Maybe he’s leaving with some of them.
Sebby: But for sure now less than last year, and even last year it wasn’t a lot.
Marly: ok ok this is important information
Marly: maybe roz’s been serious about jane for longer than we think
Marly: but how does that get us any closer to finding out who she actually is
Marly: lets sleep on this and regroup tomorrow
Sebby and St. Vicky liked this message.
CC: 👍
Hammer: 🫡
Carmy: 🫡