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it's dark and quiet in the school.
you wish it was louder- wish there was some last second emergency you could whip up. wish you couldn't hear yourself breathe. at least you can't hear the droning heartbeat of the SOUL; it's gone quiet, turned away from you, whatever it does. your silent misery is all your own as you stare at the door, trying to will yourself to follow, to leave, to do anything but look at your hand and imagine it being held in a much larger one.
it's... for the best, you remind youself, that neither of them need you. if they don't need you, it'll hurt less. if they don't need you, they can forget you.
(a packet of seeds crickles in your pocket.)
((noelle, miserable years later, standing in a museum to a lost girl.))
you don't think about it.
you slowly turn away from your home to head to your house, dreading the next steps, dreading not taking them, dreading failure, dreading success-
and a hand catches your wrist.
you jerk and bark out nonsense in your panic, teeth bared and eyes surely gleaming like a predator, but you're held in place by a much larger one.
susie stares down at you, head slightly tilted. "uh, dude, you're not scary enough for that to work." she demonstrates this by lifting you by your arm, wiggling you slightly until you snap your jaws at her and she laughs. "sure, break a tooth."
"why this."
"you weigh, like, two apples. maybe three. it's funny-"
"no. why..." maybe you betray something with your voice, or your face. whatever the reason, she sets you down, more gently than expected. "you're home. i... you're home. should be in there." you turn your face away, hoping to hide anything else. "why are you here."
"..."
you see her sag out of the corner of your eye, and she sighs, a great, weighty thing that leaves her looking even more tired. "ugh. i'm not good at this shit. wish i could borrow ralsei for this, but- i need to say it. i need you to listen to me say it." her hand slides up your arm, and you bite your tongue hard against a shiver when she brushes your hair away from your cheek. "kris, look at me. uh- close as you can, anyways. ...please?"
susie's voice is always rough, but she sounds so gentle when she asks. looking has you turning your cheek into her palm and you want, you want so badly it burns inside, want so much you don't know how it's not tearing you open.
you look at her.
she's smiling, eyes a soft amber in the moonlight, and she brings her other hand up to hold your face like it's something precious to her.
"listen. okay? don't... go anywhere, like you do. just listen. you don't have to say anything. okay?"
your nod is subtle, but she can't miss it like this.
"i don't want to do any of this shit without you. none of it. not the adventures, not castle town, not the festival, not-" she falters here, then squeezes your face a little and focuses hard on you. "let me be really clear here. no doubletalk or hidden words or anything. one hundred percent real true facts."
you blink.
she seems to take this as encouragement. "i, susie, do not want to date noelle holiday without one kris dreemurr being a part of the deal." as if that wasn't incomprehensible enough, she even grins. "that's you, y'know. and noelle said so too. you're not just, like, an inbetween thing to make it easier to hang out, or whatever you've gotten in your stupid head. you're more than just our friend. you're..." she wiggles your head instead of letting you go to gesture.
you don't resist, mostly because you rarely do, but also because What? What??? What????????
"you're our kris. i don't, uh, i don't really know what to call you better than that, but you're important and it's good that you're here and i can't imagine life without you anymore. got it?"
what the hell do you say?? say something! say anything! the longer you're still and silent, the more the fierce joy is leaving her face, and her grip is starting to loosen and it's going to hurt her so much later if you don't pull away NOW, and, and-
you grab one of her hands in both of yours, staring up at her so intently the eye contact is making your nerves shriek. only when susie blinks do you drop your forehead onto her knuckles and nod quickly, holding on tighter when she laughs.
"dude, you had me worried there for a second. thought you were gonna bolt."
you definitely almost did.
"never," you mumble, and sink bonelessly into the hug she pulls you into.
---
your mom is surprised when you call and tell her you're staying at susie's for the night, but she doesn't argue, only sends her love and asks you to come to the hospital with her in the morning. noelle would appreciate the support of her very good friends, she says.
you mumble something back before hanging up, and take susie's outstretched hand.
---
(you lay in magenta-tinged darkness with arms wrapped around your chest and hot breaths ruffling your hair. susie sleeps like the dead after working so hard on noelle's room, but she doesn't snore as much as you thought she would. she just grumbles now and again and cuddles you more intently than you deserve.)
(she clings just as hard to the pillow you leave in your place when you drag yourself away.)