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October 2016
Lily: You want to come over while you’re in Boston?
Shane’s hands instantly went clammy. He couldn’t deny that he really wanted to, but could he? A whine of outrage erupted from the bundle of blankets on his lap as, without thinking, he stopped rocking.
“No, Daddy,” Mia mumbled sleepily. “Bad.”
“Sorry, honey,” he replied placatingly. “Daddy’s got you, okay? I just need to call someone.”
“Shhhhhhh,” she hissed loudly.
He chuckled fondly. “Very good.”
Jane: Can I call you? There’s something I’ve got to tell you.
His heart rate spiked higher as he watched the typing dots hover. This was a big step, one that he wasn’t sure he was ready for even as he prepared to make it.
Lily: Of course. Sounds serious.
Before he could think better of it, Shane made the call. Mia had completely relaxed against him again. Her breathing was snuffly as she dozed.
Rozanov picked up after three rings. “Hi. Are you okay?”
Shane took a breath. “Hi. I’m fine, I just … I need you to know this.”
“Okay.” Rozanov sounded concerned. “Tell me.”
Shane wet his lips. “Just after the Olympics, before the time in Vegas, I hooked up with a girl I met in a bar.”
“Oh, did you? Was she good?”
“Don’t be a dick, Rozanov. It was bad, okay. We were both drunk and the condom broke. She had a baby.”
“Shit,” Rozanov muttered.
“Yeah,” Shane breathed. “Turns out she wasn’t really interested in being a mother, though. We decided it was better if little Mia stayed with me.”
“Wow.” Rozanov sounded stunned. “So, Mia is with you now? Is that what you’re telling me?”
“Yeah, that’s right,” Shane said. “Mom and Dad take her a lot when I’m away, but they couldn’t this time. If that’s too much for you, I totally get it. I mean, we wouldn’t be able to do much with her there.”
“No, is fine,” Rozanov replied. “You should bring her. I’d like to hang out with a mini Hollander. What food does she like?”
Shane felt a warm glow spread through his chest. He loved that he got to see this caring side of Rozanov underneath all the cockiness he displayed on the rink.
“Okay,” Shane said. “Sure, I’ll bring her. Her favourite thing is shell pasta with tomato sauce.”
“Only shells,” Mia said. “And proper tomato sauce.”
Rozanov chuckled. “Wow, okay. I can see is serious.”
Shane laughed too. “Oh yeah, we’re very serious about it. It has to be Classico, or whatever the equivalent is in America. It’s like a family restaurant sauce.”
“Got it,” Rozanov mumbled, sounding as though he was writing the details down. “I’ll see you in a few days, yes?”
“Yeah. See you then.”
Shane hung up and let his head thunk back against the headboard. “This is gonna be interesting, Mimi. You’re gonna meet one of my friends when we’re in Boston.”
“Like with Uncle Hayden?” she asked.
Shane chuckled, thinking how much Rozanov would hate that comparison. “Sort of. He’s a hockey player too, but he’s very different to Uncle Hayden.”
“Okay. Story now?”
“Yeah, sure.” He kissed her forehead. “Where were we last time?”
***
Three days later
Mia loved riding the T from Central out to North End. She bounced in Shane’s lap as they counted the stops together. They got out at Haymarket and he hoisted her up into his arms to walk the rest of the way to Rozanov’s house. She kept up a constant stream of burbling chat which made him smile. When they arrived at the house, he got out his phone to text Rozanov.
Jane: We’re here
Rozanov opened the door wearing sweats and a tank. Shane thought he looked gorgeous, but he was also conscious that Mia had snuggled closer to him, obviously feeling shy.
“Hi,” Shane said.
Rozanov gave one of his crooked, sexy smiles. “Hi. Come in.”
Shane stepped inside. “Shoes off?” he asked.
“Please,” Rozanov replied. He gave Mia a kind smile. “Hello. I’m Ilya.”
“I’m Mia,” she said quietly.
“Do you like colouring, Mia?”
“Yes.” She uncurled slightly, her grip on Shane’s sweatshirt slackening.
“I have crayons and paper in the sitting room. Want to go see?”
She nodded. “Yes please. Daddy come too.”
“I’ll come with you, Mimi,” Shane said, putting her down on the floor. “You follow Roz - Ilya.”
She followed, slightly hesitantly, as Rozanov led the way to his sitting room, her grip tight on Shane’s hand. The sitting room had a large wrap-around couch, with a big coffee table positioned in front of it. On the coffee table was a huge array of crayons and a stack of paper, more than Mia would be able to get through in a week, let alone a day. Shane almost laughed at how sweet this was. Mia stared, her eyes round as buttons.
“Is okay?” Rozanov asked.
Shane nodded. “Yeah, that’s great. Thank you for doing this.”
“Thank you, Uncle Ilya,” Mia said, looking up earnestly.
“No problem,” Rozanov said, his voice oddly thick.
“Daddy, can we colour now?” Mia asked.
“Of course, honey,” Shane replied. He sat down on the couch. “What shall we make?”
“A elephant,” she said, sitting down on the floor. “Uncle Ilya colour too.”
Rozanov cleared his throat. “Okay.”
Shane drew an outline of an elephant with its trunk in the air, then Mia chose the colours she wanted. It had to be pink and orange and yellow and red and blue.
“I didn’t know they came in these colours,” Rozanov said, giving Mia a light nudge with his elbow.
“Elmer does,” she replied.
Rozanov looked at Shane. “Who is Elmer?”
“He’s a patchwork elephant in a storybook.”
“Ah. Is obviously high literature.”
Shane laughed. “Of course. We don’t read just anything, you know.”
Colouring kept Mia occupied until lunchtime. Ilya had found a suitable sauce to stir through the massive amount of shell pasta he’d bought. Shane had brought Mia’s special bowl and cutlery, so her portion was served in that.
“Thank you,” she said politely when Ilya placed it in front of her.
“You want cheese?” he asked.
She shook her head. “Nuh-uh.”
“Okay, malen'kiy zhuchok. What about you, Shane?”
Shane could only nod, rendered mute by the sound of his first name on Ilya’s lips. With a little smile, Ilya grated cheese over Shane’s plate before sitting down and doing the same for his own.
“Is good, Mia?” he asked.
“Yes,” she replied, mouth full.
Shane knew he probably ought to tell her not to talk with her mouth full, but he had never been much of a stickler for manners. He didn’t want his baby girl to ever feel ashamed of herself.
“Is your team good, Uncle Ilya?” she asked.
Ilya grinned. “Yes, we are good.”
"As good as Daddy’s team?”
“Sometimes.”
Shane smiled. “We play against Ilya’s team a lot. You’ll get to see it tomorrow.”
“I promise not to beat him too badly,” Ilya teased.
Mia kept up a stream of questions and chatter while they ate. It wasn’t until they sat on the couch after they’d finished that she started to go quiet. She cuddled into Shane, her cheek resting on his chest.
“You wanna have your nap, honey?” he asked.
“Yes please.” Her voice was muffled by his t-shirt.
“Is there somewhere I can put her down?” he asked Ilya.
Ilya nodded. “Of course. You can use spare bedroom. I show you.”
Shane hoisted Mia up and followed Ilya upstairs. The spare bedroom was spacious and had a double bed.
“I’ll be downstairs, okay?” Ilya said as he motioned Shane inside.
“Thank you,” Shane replied.
He carried Mia to the bed and laid her down gently, pulling the cover over her. Her eyes fluttered open briefly.
“Have a good sleep, Mimi,” he murmured. “I’ll just be downstairs if you need me.”
“Okay, Daddy,” she whispered.
He watched her for a moment as her breathing evened out before heading downstairs. He flopped down on the couch next to Ilya.
“Is she sleeping?” Ilya asked.
“Yeah,” Shane confirmed with a smile. “She went out like a light. Thank you for being so kind.”
Ilya shrugged, although the softness of his voice when he spoke made him seem far less nonchalant. “Is okay. I like her. She is like mini you.”
Shane huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I guess.”
At that point, Ilya’s phone buzzed with an incoming call. He grimaced at the caller ID and gave Shane an apologetic look before getting up.
“Papa?” Shane heard him say as he walked away.
Shane’s heart ached as he listened to Ilya’s mounting frustration as the phone call went on. When Ilya came back he was tense, his jaw set and shoulders rigid with it.
“How’s your father?” Shane asked as Ilya rejoined him.
Ilya raised his eyebrows. “Oh, you speak Russian now?”
“I know the word for father.”
Ilya shook his head slightly, then sat back, pulling Shane in against his chest. Shane felt Ilya press a soft kiss to the top of his head.
“My father is sick,” Ilya said, his voice quiet.
“I’m sorry,” Shane responded.
Ilya swallowed thickly. “I pay to keep him comfortable.” He paused, his fingers absently stroking through Shane’s hair. “Is all I am good for.”
Shane’s heart broke at that. It made him brave. He raised his head, looked Ilya in the eye.
“Don’t say that,” he said.
“Why not?” Ilya countered. “Is what he thinks.”
“No matter what your father thinks,” Shane said firmly, “you are worth so much more than that, Ilya. You are kind and funny and fucking brilliant. Okay?”
Ilya’s eyes swam with tears as he searched Shane’s face. “Fuck, Shane,” he breathed, tilting forward to rest his forehead against Shane’s.
Shane smiled, bringing a hand up to cup Ilya’s cheek and guide their lips together for a gentle kiss. “Ilya,” he murmured when they parted again.
For a few long moments they breathed together. A plan was forming in Shane’s mind. It was definitely reckless and probably very stupid and unrealistic and impractical, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care about that.
“Maybe …” he began, then stalled.
“What?” Ilya prompted.
“Maybe we could be a family,” Shane said. “The three of us.”
“Really?” Ilya asked, his voice full of wonder and hope.
“Really,” Shane confirmed. “It wouldn’t be easy, but I think we could make it work.”
Ilya pushed forward for another kiss. “Ya tebya lyublyu,” he murmured between more kisses. “Ya tebya lyublyu. I love you.”
Shane smiled wide, certain he was going to cry. “I love you too.”
They kissed again, soft and achingly tender. Shane thought his heart might burst. They were quiet for long moments, sitting with their new reality.
“Will you tell me about Mia’s mom?” Ilya asked eventually.
“Her name’s Katie,” Shane replied. “When she found out she was pregnant, she thought a baby was something she wanted. I promised to support her as much as I could. I went to all the scans and checkups with her. When Mia arrived, though, she realised that she couldn’t be a mother. It wasn’t what she wanted her life to be. She’s studying for her PhD now. I send her pictures a lot.”
Ilya was thoughtful for a few seconds. “It must be hard. For both of you.”
“Sometimes,” Shane said. “I hate leaving her. My mom and dad are amazing with her, but I still worry.”
“Hm.” Ilya pulled Shane into his chest again. “I know what it’s like to not have your mother. My mama died when I was twelve.”
“That’s awful.”
“Mia is lucky she has you for her dad.”
Shane smiled. “And now she has you too.”
“What’s your plan?”
Shane took a breath. “For now, I think we should keep visiting each other when we’re close. You can come stay with us at my cottage in the summer. I know it’s not much.”
Ilya nodded. “That sounds good. Is not much, but I think is best we can do. What about All Stars?”
Shane hadn’t really thought about that. “I don’t know. What do you think?”
“Maybe we could try really being together. It’s scary, but we can be brave.”
Shane huffed a laugh. “Isn’t that dangerous for you?”
“Ah, no.” Ilya pressed his lips to Shane’s hair again. “I applied for citizenship here. Management is helping.”
“Wow. That’s huge, Ilya. I’m so happy for you.”
“So, will we do it?”
Anxiety prickled under Shane’s skin. He knew that he loved Ilya, but this was a big step. It would mean showing the world what he had only recently begun to admit to himself - that he was that thing that got thrown around as an insult in locker rooms. Was he brave enough to do that? He thought of Mia sleeping peacefully in Ilya’s spare bedroom, of how much she had clearly loved having two people to take care of her, and he knew he would do anything for her.
“Yeah,” he replied. “Let’s do it.”
***
When Shane blinked awake in the morning, it took him a moment to remember where he was. To be waking in Ilya’s arms, knowing they loved each other, and with Mia sleeping just next door, felt like heaven. He shifted slightly to see that Ilya was also stirring.
“Morning,” he murmured.
Ilya smiled softly. “Morning,” he murmured back. “This is nice.”
“Hmm,” Shane hummed. “Yes, it is.”
All was quiet between them for a moment, then Shane heard the soft padding of feet outside the door.
“Daddy?” Mia’s voice sounded small.
Shane realised she must have felt confused when she woke up and was seeking reassurance. “I’m in here, honey,” he replied.
He pushed himself upright as she shuffled through the door. The Raiders t-shirt which Ilya had given her to sleep in entirely swamped her and she was gripping her stuffed toy penguin in one little hand.
“Do you need a cuddle, sweetheart?” Shane asked gently. She nodded. “Come here, then.”
She padded over and he lifted her up, placing her in between him and Ilya. Lying down, he pulled her against his chest. He felt her relax as she snuggled into him. Ilya tentatively reached out a hand and rested it on her upper arm. She sighed contentedly. They smiled at each other over her head.
“You feel better now?” Shane asked.
“Mmhmm,” she confirmed, nodding against him. “I’m hung’y.”
Shane huffed a little laugh. “Okay. Let’s have breakfast, then.” He shifted, becoming aware that he needed to pee. “I’ve gotta use the restroom. Why don’t you go with Uncle Ilya and get some food?”
“Okay,” she agreed.
Ilya rolled away, getting up and tugging on a pair of sweats. “You want me to carry you?” he asked Mia.
“Yes please,” she replied, shifting around to face him.
He hoisted her up and they headed downstairs. Shane could hear their voices floating up as he pulled on his pants and headed along to the bathroom. By the time he got downstairs they were deciding what Mia should have on her toast.
“There’s jam, peanut butter, chocolate spread …” Ilya listed off.
“Ooh, chocolate please, Papa,” Mia replied. “Daddy doesn’t get that for us.”
Ilya chuckled. “That’s because Daddy knows chocolate is treat. I don’t know this, so I eat all the time.”
Mia laughed and Shane’s stomach flipped. Mia had called Ilya ‘papa’. They were really doing this. Shane wasn’t sure how his heart was going to handle this amount of love.
“Okay, you go sit on couch. I will bring your plate.”
Ilya jumped Mia down from where she was sitting on the counter, making a ‘whoosh’ noise which made her giggle. She took her sippy cup from him and toddled through to the sitting room. Shane stepped up to Ilya’s side and they shared a fond smile.
“Papa,” Shane said, nudging Ilya gently with his elbow.
Ilya blushed. “She asked if she could call me that. Is okay?”
“Yes,” Shane replied, his voice catching a little in his throat. “Yes, it’s okay. She loves you.”
“And I love her,” Ilya said earnestly.
Ilya turned quickly to deal with the just popped toast, but Shane was sure there was a tear on his cheek. Shane didn’t comment on this.
“What are we gonna have for breakfast?” he asked instead. “Because no offense, but I’m not really in the mood for chocolate spread.”
Ilya laughed. “I have eggs in fridge. Do them how you like and I will have same.” He took up the plate of toast and gave Shane a wink. “Toast is coming, Mia.”
Shane smiled to himself as he set about making poached eggs. Ilya offered to find something for Mia to watch on his massive tv and ended up with Pingu. Shane knew she would be making the ‘noot noot’ noise all day. He knew the reason she did that was because it felt nice in her mouth and ears. There were sounds he did the same thing with.
When Ilya came back, Shane was just plating the eggs. Ilya embraced Shane from behind, dropping a soft kiss to Shane’s shoulder.
“I really like this,” Ilya murmured.
Shane joined his hands with Ilya’s on his stomach. “So do I.”
***
One week later
“Did she go down?” Shane’s mom asked as he stepped back into the kitchen.
“Yeah, all good,” he replied. “She was really tired.”
He sat down and closed his eyes for a moment. Mia had been fussing for a while before he managed to lull her to sleep on the third story in a row. He knew that all the travelling, coupled with the excitement of meeting Ilya, had been a lot for her.
He took a deep breath, deciding that now was as good a time as any to address the topic of Ilya.
“Um, there’s something I need to tell you,” he said. His voice sounded absurdly loud in his ears.
“You know you can tell us anything, Shane,” his dad said with a reassuring smile when Shane stayed silent a moment too long.
“I’ve been figuring a lot of things out about myself,” he tried again. “I … um … I’m gay. I did really try, but I just can’t help it. I understand if you’re disappointed -”
“Honey, no,” his mom interrupted him. “We’re not disappointed. We just want you to be happy. I’m sorry I ever made you feel like I would be disappointed.”
The corners of Shane’s mouth twitched up. “I think I knew that really. I was just scared.”
“You don’t need to be,” she reassured him. “So, are you seeing someone?”
Shane smiled as his dad elbowed her. “It’s okay, Dad. I actually am seeing someone.” He swallowed nervously. This was it. “It’s … uh … it’s Ilya Rozanov.”
For an agonizing moment, they both gaped at him. It was Shane’s mom who found her voice first.
“But, you hate him.”
“No,” Shane countered, his voice quiet but firm. “I mean, I get that, but … I love him.”
“How long for?” his dad asked.
“Since our rookie season,” Shane replied, worrying at his lip with his teeth. “Well, no, actually the summer before.” He knew Ilya would hate it if Shane shaved off those extra few months.
“Wow,” his mom breathed. “You’ve loved him the entire time?”
Shane blushed furiously. “We only said the words when Mia and I were at his place in Boston last week, but yeah, I think I have.”
“He’s met Mia too?” she asked.
“Yeah. He’s actually great with kids. She loves him.”
“Well, I suppose we can’t object to someone who’s granddaughter-approved,” Shane’s dad said.
Shane couldn’t help but laugh.
***
December 2016
It was an early flight from Montreal down to Tampa on the Friday morning before the All Star game. Shane wanted to get settled in properly and enjoy being there with his daughter and his boyfriend. Mia sat in the window seat so she could look out at the clouds before she fell asleep.
He put her ear defenders on for the walk through the airport when they had touched down. This turned out to be a good call, because it was busy with tourists and she clung to him tight as they were jostled by the crowd.
It was a relief to get into a quiet cab, and even better to arrive at the hotel and find Ilya waiting for them outside. Mia started wriggling in her seat when she caught sight of him, racing away as soon as Shane had released her from her seatbelt.
“Papa,” she cried.
Ilya scooped her up and spun her around, making her shriek with delight. “Privet, moye sokrovishche.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Did you get bigger? I think you did.”
She giggled. “Daddy says I’m a big girl.”
“Daddy’s right,” he replied. “Shall we help him with bags? We don’t want him to be grumpy.”
Shane, who had been watching them with a hopelessly giddy smile on his face, gave an exaggerated huff. “Yeah, help me out, you slackers.”
Ilya rolled his eyes at Mia. “See what I mean? Okay, Hollander, we will help you.”
Ilya hefted their holdall, while Shane looked after his kit bag and the wheeled case. Mia had her penguin and backpack.
“How’s the room?” Shane asked as they went inside. “Did we blow their minds?”
Ilya snorted a laugh. “Yes, I think so. But room is nice. Plenty of space.”
Shane approached the reception desk. “Hi. I need to check in. Shane and Mia Hollander.”
“Of course, Mr Hollander,” the girl behind the desk replied. “If you can just sign for me, I can give you your key. Are there any additional needs we need to be aware of?”
Shane scrawled his signature on the check in form. “No, nothing. We’ll be fine. Could we perhaps see your menu so my daughter can have plenty of time to choose?”
“That’s no problem at all.” She searched the desk for a moment, then handed over a menu card along with the room key. “Enjoy your stay.”
Mia was quiet as they went up in the elevator. The early morning and the excitement was clearly catching up with her. When they got to the room, Ilya tried to put her down but she kept clinging to him.
“Nuh-uh,” she mumbled. “Nap with Papa.”
Ilya chuckled lightly. “Okay, dorogoy. I’ve got you.”
“Where Daddy?” she asked as they settled on the bed.
“I’m here, Mimi,” Shane told her. “Just putting our things away.”
“Daddy nap too,” she insisted.
He was powerless to resist. Joining them on the bed, he snaked an arm around both of them. Soon enough, Mia dropped into her familiar pattern of snuffly sleep breathing.
“How was flight?” Ilya whispered.
“It was okay,” Shane whispered back. “Just early. And the airport here was really busy.”
“Hmm. Is a lot for both of you, yes?”
“Yeah. But this is nice now.”
They kissed gently, careful not to move too much and jostle Mia.
“This is gonna be fun, I think,” Shane continued when the kiss broke. “Being on the same team, hanging out in public.”
Ilya smiled. “Yes. Being boyfriends.”
Shane’s heart fluttered in the way it always did when Ilya was this tender. “Boyfriends,” he confirmed. “I love you.”
“I love you too, solnyshko,” Ilya murmured.