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Silence was enveloping the kitchen, but not the comfortable kind that left you feeling warm and protected. Rather the one the forests drowned in before a predator went on a hunt. Tension was seeping into the tables and counters, like electricity roots deep in the cables.
Eddie washed the last plate a couple of minutes ago, and stood there now with nothing to keep himself busy. The dishes were done, the leftovers were in the fridge, and the aprons got thrown in the hamper. There was no reason to linger in the kitchen. Not really.
Buck didn’t leave the kitchen either, still sitting by the island, the bottom of the wine glass between his fingers. It wasn’t a good idea to have uncomfortable conversations in the middle of the night, but it seemed like the sun was taking away their courage lately.
"Heard the court proposed a solution," Eddie said, turning around to lean against the counter and look him in the eye.
Buck didn’t avoid his gaze, and his first response wasn't a quick excuse that won him time to come up with a proper answer. To make it worse, Eddie didn’t notice even a hint of regret. Or sadness. Or disappointment. Just an acknowledgement of the news. Like the offer was nothing worth mentioning at best, and a pleasant solution at worst.
"I wanted to tell you," Buck cleared his throat. "Wasn't aware that Maddie couldn't keep a secret for even three days, that's all."
"Maddie told Chimney, Chimney told Hen, Hen told me," Eddie spat. "Which is a too-long chain to find out you're leaving the firehouse, the city, and the state."
Even saying it out loud didn't make Eddie fully believe it. He knew it was real, because he attended every single hearing he was allowed to and remembered how hell bent Theo's grandmother was on getting custody. She dug even the smallest pieces of dirt on Buck, and paid a fortune to get a lawyer that packed it all in a neat case. The only reason she hadn't won yet was because she was in her sixties and Buck was a big contributor to the community thanks to the job. The judge was conflicted with who gets full custody, because the court couldn't just dismiss all the stuff Mrs Riley had brought up. They couldn’t just hand Theo over to her either, evidently.
So, the best decision they could come up with was for Buck to move with Theo to where Mrs Riley lived in Oregon. She could spend time with Theo while Buck was on shift, and Buck would remain the primary caretaker for the kid. That did sound perfect on paper. It made Eddie’s throat dry.
This kitchen had always been small, not a lot of room for air, and Eddie could feel himself getting hot from how suffocating it had become. Buck hadn’t moved.
"I should've told you, I just... got busy with the paperwork," he said eventually, eyes cast down.
"Oh, there's paperwork already?" Eddie scoffed.
He didn’t want to get this snappy, he knew how much the 118 and LA meant to Buck, he knew. What was wrong with him? He should be supportive, he should sit down and listen to Buck, let him talk about it—
"Yes, Eddie," Buck snapped, his hand putting the glass down so hard it cracked. "There is paperwork when you move your whole life to another state. You of all people should know."
"What are you saying to me right now?" Eddie squinted.
"No reason," Buck shrugged. "Just, you know, not sure what exactly you're angry about. You were in the room when my lawyer said there's no way for me to get full custody without Theo's grandmother involved in some way. They proposed this solution three days ago."
"Which gave you seventy two fucking hours to tell me. But you didn't, did you? You remembered to tell your sister, but suddenly, for the first time this year, it's not my business?"
"Technically?" Buck left the question as rhetorical.
"That's low, Buck. Just tell me, what was so fucking hard about it, huh? By the way, Eddie, they want me to move to buttfuck nowhere in Oregon or Theo's back in the system!"
Eddie could hear Buck’s breath hitching at the words. He shouldn’t have put it like that. And Buck should've told him. There was this voice once again. An all too familiar ugly snarl that made Eddie want to punch something and scream his lungs out.
"Chris and I have spent the past year living in two houses," Eddie pressed. "For you keep us in the dark about the lawsuit? Incredible work, Buck."
The floor creaked as Buck pushed the chair back to stand up from the table.
"Yeah, kinda reminds me of your incredible work," Buck snarled.
"What are you talking about?"
"It's not like you barged into my loft the minute you got an excellent idea to move to El Paso to Chris."
Eddie hid his face in his hands.
"Oh my God— That's what this is about?" he gritted through his teeth, gesturing between them with his finger and only now noticing how they stood almost chest to chest. "You still resent me for what happened two fucking years ago and decided it's time for a payback?"
Buck just smiled, hysterical. Eddie had to squeeze his fists harder not to punch him in that perfect stubble.
"It's not, but it's truly inspiring that you think I'm that kind of person. No, this," Buck gestured between them in the exact same way Eddie did, "is me asking you to remember how it was like and get off my back for not reporting to you every single email from court."
Eddie had to look away from Buck then, not trusting himself to not punch him after this. He could almost see red.
The past year was a journey that Buck planned on taking alone with Theo, but somehow Eddie and Chris came along and stayed. He didn’t remember when the shift happened. Maybe it was the moment Buck told him that Theo had no immediate family to take him in; maybe it was the night Buck, delirious from the lack of sleep, sent Eddie a voice message asking him how he did it and remembering Eddie hadn’t actually been there when Chris was four. In the end, Eddie was taking Theo to doctor's appointments and Buck picked Chris up from school.
Four of them. Four tickets to the zoo, four seats taken in the car, and four plates on the table every day.
The thought of not having this anymore made Eddie's breath stutter.
"So, you've already accepted the offer, right?" he asked, because he needed the hope. Maybe the email was all it remains. An email.
The silence that stretched told him enough.
"Are you serious?" Eddie asked, his voice low and quiet.
"It's either with Theo in Oregon or here without him," Buck sighed. Resigned. "Go figure."
He found strength to step away from Eddie and put a little distance between them before they broke something. Buck leaned back against the fridge with a heavy breath. A magnet slid down, almost to the line of the counters.
It was a custom made magnet they got from the zoo, with Buck and Eddie hugging Chris and Theo close to them, Theo's legs dangling in the air as Eddie held him up because he was too short to fit in the frame otherwise.
Eddie tightened his jaw until his teeth hurt. They might not be getting one of those ever again.
"That's it, huh?" he asked and crossed his arms over his chest in the hope of dulling the unfamiliar ache. "You what, pack your shit, give the notice about your house, and move just like that? Any plans on, I don't know, breaking the news to Chris maybe?"
"Don't you dare," Buck said, voice lower than before. That’s it, fight with me. "You're not using Chris again to make me feel guilty."
His brows pinched at his forehead, lips downcast as if he tried to keep that to himself but failed.
Again?
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You managed to do that when I sued the LAFD, but you're not gonna do that now," Buck continued.
"Oh, fuck you." Eddie didn’t remember when exactly he got closer to Buck again, but he was standing right in front of him now. Something so raw and wounded was screaming at him at the mention of the lawsuit, the weeks of silence from Buck suffocating him even as a distant memory.
That's how it will be now, isn't it? Silence, as Buck builds a new life in Oregon. "It's you who decided to move away for good and not tell me about it. Starting the paperwork too." God this word tasted like dust in his mouth. "I'm wondering what will you say when Theo starts asking about his friends from the pre-k. Or about Chris' science projects."
Because Theo loved helping with those.
Buck's eyes got glassy at the mention of Theo's friends and family.
"I guess I just figured, you know, since it's not 1889, we would still keep in touch."
Like we did while I was in El Paso. I remember that. I remember every phone call.
"For how long, Buck?" Eddie asked then. "How long till Theo finds new friends, you find a new station, and build a white picket fence around the house?"
He almost spat the last part.
"You know better than anyone else it's not possible, at least not for me," Buck shook his head.
"That's the thing, Buck. I don't know." Eddie’s eyes narrowed. "You went through a dozen states before California. Got a little experience in that field."
"I am so sorry I didn't just move from Hershey to LA two times."
Eddie wanted to get closer to do... something, but they were already standing close. So fucking close that Buck's breaths were cooling his skin.
"You have something you want to say to me, Buck?" Eddie asked in a quiet, threatening voice.
"I do, Eddie," Buck leaned forwards, which made Eddie step back an inch. "You have no right being mad at me for accepting that offer."
"Too bad," Eddie shrugged. "I am."
Buck laughed in disbelief, pushing himself away from the fridge and walking towards the oven. His fingers pulled at the curls in frustration, and Eddie fucking braced himself – but that did little to stop the wince when Buck turned back around.
"What's gotten into you, man?" he demanded. "You're the one who got put into a similar position before and, coincidentally, the only one I am fighting about this with!"
"Since you didn't tell me about it, I don't know what you want me to say." Eddie put both of his palms on the kitchen island standing opposite from Buck.
"Well, I don't know either," Buck said. "I know, however, what I didn't want to hear, and you bingo'ed that right now. Congrats, man."
Eddie shook his head.
"Yeah, well. You're planning on leaving us without a note, so you're taking the cake."
"That's rich, coming from you."
"Oh, here we go again," Eddie pressed his lips together, just because it was the only thing that kept a very ugly sob-shaped breath in his throat from getting out.
"Yes," Buck nodded. "Because you seem to keep forgetting that you left first."
"I told you that before and I'll tell you again," Eddie snarled. "When the choice is between you and–"
"So what, once we established that Chris came first – which was already out of the question by the way — I was supposed to feel joyful because you were leaving?" Buck asked, the angry kind of curious. "Kinda like you do right now? Because this is a choice between you and my boy, and you're what? Mad I am not choosing you?"
No, Eddie thought.
Yes, Eddie thought the next second.
Something was pulling him apart by the seams. He wasn't being fair, he wasn't even sure what the hell they were arguing about anymore. He only knew that rage sat deep in his bones and had no way out. It felt like imploding.
"I am mad we are not even part of the equation," Eddie sighed.
"I wasn't when you decided to move to Texas. I don't see how it's any different now than it was then."
"Okay, maybe it's not," Eddie gestured in Buck's general direction. "Maybe it is exactly the same. It's not like you didn't make it clear how you felt about Texas. I am making it very fucking clear too."
"Fine!" Buck yelled and put both of his palms on the counter, mirroring Eddie in a way. "But you can't tell me I'm making the wrong choice and using your son to prove it. It's not me who should break the news to him, because I'm not his parent. And we're not partners."
Eddie flinched as if the words burned. Maybe they did, because Buck not considering himself a part of the family felt viscerally wrong and made Eddie want to whisper all kinds of dangerous things into his ear.
"Me not being your partner makes my word irrelevant?" he asked.
"Yeah, it sort of does," Buck said, and Eddie’s ribs hurt from the bitterness in his voice. "I'm not gonna stand here and listen to you accusing me of breaking the promises that I didn't make. You don't run by me every single decision you make about Chris. Not when he decided to move back to Texas, not when you decided to follow. And that was okay, because I'm not your partner. And you're not–"
Eddie was glad Buck didn't finish that sentence. He wasn't sure he would've survived him saying You're not mine.
"Look, the judge said–"
"They can choose differently," Eddie murmured, his anger not subsiding no matter how many times he and Buck tried to cool down. "You can't pack up your life and move states just because of an assessment, Buck."
"I can and I will if that means Theo will be home sooner."
Eddie heard Buck exhale, his shoulders relaxing as if the air had been trapped in his chest for years.
"Even if it means no more 118."
Eddie could feel Buck slipping through his fingers like sand. No matter how hard he clenched his fist, the grains still found a way out of his hand. Flashes of Buck packing his belongings in boxes, labeling each one with a Sharpie, and driving out of the city for good – came through Eddie's mind like a videotape. He couldn't bear the cold sense of dread that went through his body.
"Okay," Eddie said. Nothing was okay. "Accept the offer, move to buttfuck nowhere, Oregon. And then regret not fighting for Theo at home years later, when it's gonna be too late."
"Fuck you, Eddie," Buck snapped. Eddie squinted before stepping towards him, daring him to continue. "I have to pack all my shit from the last twelve years and go to the town I didn’t know existed till last Wednesday. But sure, you're gonna be the one suffering the most at home."
Eddie stood there, breath ghosting against Buck's nose. Did he even realise he was talking about himself from two years ago now? Of course not, he probably still thought Eddie had been the asshole in all of that.
"It's not like you got a partner here, Buck," he whispered. "What's there to lose, really?"
"I don't know, you tell me," Buck replied. "You're the one who didn't like it any more than I did."
The echo of his own words did it.
Eddie grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him down into a deep kiss. He let his hands get lost in Buck's hair and stopped breathing when strong arms wrapped around his waist. Buck's lips were cold but warming up quickly as Eddie licked into his mouth and tried not to moan too loudly. Along his back, thick fingers were stoking his shoulder blades, pushing a little too hard every once in a while. Making him shudder under those palms.
The thing is, Eddie couldn't stop kissing Buck once he had started. He didn’t care about tomorrow, or what it means, or how cruel it was. He knew he was angry and frustrated and missing his best friend even though he was standing right in front of him. He squeezed Buck against him and slid his tongue against his, delirious with how good it felt, with how much more he wanted.
Eddie kissed every moan from Buck’s lips and bit on them until they were red and swollen. Buck did the same, and the strength he was using to pull Eddie closer was an out-of-body experience.
Eddie didn’t want to stay mad. He didn't want for the freshest memory Buck has of him to be a fight. He didn’t want Buck to leave. But it seemed like the universe didn't care about what Eddie wanted.
And Eddie decided he didn't care about the universe either.
Minutes must've passed. Or hours, maybe. He was kissing Buck with an intent to engrave the shape of his own lips into Buck’s. Both of them melted into the touches and caresses and even bites. Buck guided Eddie’s head to tilt back with a hand on his nape, and Eddie squeezed Buck's ribs just under the heart.
He hadn’t noticed how they were both shivering.
"Eddie," Buck breathed, not quite able to pull away completely.
Eddie kissed him again, pressing him into the oven door. He swallowed the noises Buck was letting out, his stubble irritating Eddie's chin and lips in the best way possible. He melted into Buck's hands. They were so much bigger than what he was used to, warmer than he expected. Buck had a couple of inches on him which made Eddie angle his head up to catch his mouth into the kiss, and that was new too.
Eddie wanted to do that forever.
"Eddie," Buck pleaded. His eyes were glossy with unshed tears, and the voice so hoarse and broken that it finally snapped Eddie out of it.
The anger, the disappointment, and the panic all simmered down somewhere between the kisses, and all Eddie got left with was the love that he couldn't pour anywhere.
Because they weren't just fighting about calls from the shift or some bullshit happening in their love life or at the schools. Buck was packing bags and leaving, and there was nothing Eddie could do about it.
He lifted his hand to brush Buck's hair on his temples.
"How long?" he whispered.
Buck's thumbs started rubbing circles into Eddie's hips. Eddie barely kept himself from leaning into the touch.
"I don't know. As long as it takes. Maybe forever."
Eddie shook his head involuntarily. The idea of not spending his life by Buck's side made him want to jump out of his skin.
"I don't want you to leave."
Buck didn’t say anything then, a stray tear going down his cheek until Eddie caught it with his thumb. Pulling him into a hug was muscle memory even though they didn't really hug when feeling like this. Eddie pressed his chin in the crook of Buck's neck and didn't give a damn that Buck's tears would stain his shirt from where he tucked his face in his shoulder.
"I don't want to leave either, Eddie," he mumbled into Eddie's skin. "Not you, not Chris. But–"
"I know," Eddie breathed, all the frustration from before gone.
"I just don't see any other option."
Eddie swallowed down the tightness in his throat. Please, there has to be another way, or at least something more we can do. Because this couldn't be happening, not again. It was still too soon since Texas, too soon since Theo got taken away from them. Eddie couldn't lose Buck, too. Chris couldn't lose Buck so soon after saying goodbye to Theo. They were a fucking family for God's sake, why did it have to be them?
Oh.
Oh.
Family. That's what this is about. Him, Chris, Buck, Theo. This was family. This was why Eddie hated the idea of Buck and Theo being away from them for so long. Why did he feel like moving Heaven and Earth in order to get them to stay.
Families stay together no matter what.
"What if," Eddie frowned. "What if we went with you?"
Buck froze. His fingers stopped tracing patterns into Eddie's skin.
"What?" Buck asked, dipping his head to meet his eyes. "To Oregon?"
"Yes."
"But you can't."
Buck sounded so convinced Eddie thought for a second if he really didn't have any prior commitments.
"Why not?"
"You have a job here."
"There's fire in Oregon too."
"Chris has school here!"
"I'm pretty sure Oregon has schools too. He only has a month of vacation left before junior year – just enough time to say goodbye and start a new year at a new school."
Buck was still looking at him like he spoke Ancient Greek.
"You can't possibly be considering this."
"Why not?" Eddie shrugged.
"Why not? Eddie—" Buck took a deep breath. "I don't wanna make you move to Oregon."
"Make me? I'm offering."
"I don't think Chris would like this, no," Buck shook his head.
"He doesn't like to show it, but he's been miserable ever since they took Theo away. Trust me, he'd be on board."
"Why are you doing this?"
Say it, Eddie thought. Say it, or you'll lose him forever.
He took Buck's face in his hands.
"Because we are a family. And we have to stick together."
Buck teared up more, and Eddie did the most reasonable thing there was. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Buck's birthmark.
"Let’s go to bed. And if you wake up tomorrow and change your mind you'll tell me, okay? And if I change my mind then I'll tell you."
They fell asleep in the same bed, holding each other. Next morning, Buck woke up and told Eddie he didn't change his mind and was still going to Oregon. And Eddie woke up and told him that if that's the case then they were going together. Chris was ecstatic to hear that.
Families do want to stay together, after all.