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It felt strange for Kris to stand on their doorstep without Susie in tow, ready to follow them inside. Still hesitant to be the first one who stepped foot in the house, as if Kris and Toriel hadn’t already accepted her like another member of their family. But she didn’t need them any more, did she? Now Susie had Ralsei and the rest of Castle Town. Now Susie had Noelle.
This was the way it always ended up. The way things were always going to end up. Objects that couldn’t be used any more, that had been used up, were thrown away and forgotten about. That was just a fact of life.
Kris didn’t know why it still made their chest ache.
The front door was unlocked, and when Kris silently slunk inside, there was a light on in the kitchen. Toriel was sitting at the dining table in her nightclothes, reading a book. She closed it and looked up as soon as she heard the door click shut. “Welcome home, my dear,” she greeted, smiling warmly. “Though, you are back quite late, are you not?”
Kris trudged across the lounge and hovered at the partition separating it from the dining room. “Sorry. Was walking Susie home,” they mumbled as explanation.
“Oh, of course. How kind of you, Kris. Still, it would not be too much trouble for you to check your phone every once in a while, would it? Do remember that the police have yet to find who it was that slashed my van’s tires.”
“Sorry,” Kris echoed. “I was…” I was too busy putting everyone else in danger and getting Dad captured, all because I wanted to have one last fun adventure with Susie and Ralsei. “…distracted.”
Toriel sighed, shaking her head slightly. “Well, at least you are home now.” She frowned down at her book, set on the table beneath her folded hands, before continuing. “Then, perhaps you have not heard, either? Your Uncle Rudy had an accident at the festival earlier today—”
“I heard,” Kris cut in, still at a mumble. “We were with Noelle at the time.”
“…Ah. I see.” Toriel hesitated. “Well…his condition is stable, for the time being. If you would like, we can go see him tomorrow after school is finished.”
“Okay.” Like Kris could give her any other answer.
Toriel nodded. After a few more moments, she stood from her seat to approach Kris. Kris let her wrap them up into a brief hug. Soft, gentle, her arms solid and warm around them. They buried their face in her chest and inhaled the familiar scents of butterscotch and cinnamon.
She drew away, settling her hands on their shoulders and peering at their face. “Are you all right, my child? You do not look very well…”
“M’fine,” Kris murmured. “Just tired. Long day.” Technically, that wasn’t a lie.
Toriel’s expression betrayed her disbelief, but she nodded anyway. “Would you like something to drink before you go to bed, dear? There is still some chocolate in the cupboard that has yet to be eaten…” She smiled again, amused.
“Sure.” Kris couldn’t turn down an offer of chocolate. Nor their mother’s kindness, as undeserved as it was.
They seated themself at the dining table, patiently waiting while Toriel made them their drink. Melted chocolate seamlessly mixed into full-cream milk, with a pinch of cinnamon spice. No marshmallows, but Kris could live without them.
They accepted the mug from her without a word of protest. Still, Kris couldn’t help the minute hesitation before they lifted it to their lips and drank, carelessly scalding their tongue and throat from the heat of it. They hadn’t yet entirely quashed the mindless, reflexive fear of what might happen to them if they drank. Never mind it’d been made by their own mother. Never mind they were in their own home. Safe and sound. Meanwhile, their father—
You don’t deserve any of this, you selfish fucking traitor.
You should be dead.
Everyone would be so much happier if you just killed yourself already.
But you can’t even do that much, because you’re a spineless coward.
Kris breathed shakily through their burnt mouth. “Can I…can I finish this in my room?” they quietly asked Toriel. “I’m…really tired, so…”
Toriel frowned at them from over her book, but after a moment, she nodded. “Very well, my child. You do have school tomorrow, after all.” She smiled sweetly. “Good night, Kris, and sleep well.”
Kris, grateful for the escape, stood from their seat, searing-hot mug cupped between their hands. “‘Night, Mom,” they mumbled, before leaving for their room.
It was a relief to escape to their bedroom, dark and silent, free from the prying eyes of others. Even if it felt so much emptier these days, without Asriel to fill the other bed, the room with his presence. Without Susie to accompany Kris on the nights that were becoming longer and colder as winter approached.
There was only one way Kris would be getting any sleep tonight. Setting their mug on their drawer, they crouched beside their bed and reached underneath to extract an inconspicuous black bin bag. Inside were some bottles of alcohol Kris kept stashed away for these sorts of nights. One was an unopened bottle of the communal red wine Kris had pilfered from the church. Another was a half-full bottle of brandy, its neck tied with a glittery blue ribbon. A gift from Auntie Carol.
Kris could easily drink either straight from the bottle. Instead, they retrieved their mug, uncorked the brandy, and mixed some into their hot chocolate with their finger. Then they gulped down their new drink and leaned against the side of their bed with a heavy, satisfied sigh. Brandy and hot chocolate was almost as much a match made in heaven as hot chocolate and marshmallows. Divine. Even better than that, though, was the promise of losing their mind. The cessation of thought or feeling. Forgetting how to exist as a person, if only for the night. It was as close to killing themself as Kris could get, when they couldn’t bring themself to slit their wrists with the knife Dess had given them. When they couldn’t bring themself to tear open the pack of golden flower seeds stashed in their pocket and pour them down their throat.
Kris drank until their mug was empty, then topped it up with more brandy and knocked it back like they were taking shots. It was too bad they couldn’t be doing this at the Holiday mansion again. Carol would get them—and herself, too—some treats to go with the alcohol. Fruit, cheese, more chocolate. She’d sit beside Kris on the couch, her shoulder touching theirs, while she helped herself to a few drinks at the same time. Their idle chatter would stray and wander off into odd, meandering tangents. Kris would gradually burrow themself against Carol, unable to feel her chilly temperature through the warm, giddy haze of the alcohol. They’d only feel the texture of her fur and the shape of her fingers as she’d slip a hand under their shirt or trail it up their skirt, her minty breath cool on their cheeks as she leaned her head down and—
The dark bedroom was tilting on its axis. Shadows melting together into new shapes that shifted in their periphery. Kris shakily packed everything away and climbed into their bed, too out of it to take off any clothes. Their sheets were cold. It was so cold without someone else to snuggle up to…
This is what you deserve.
Who’d want to stay with you, anyway?
Nobody, of course. Not Susie, not Noelle, not Berdly, not Ralsei. Not Asriel or their father. Not Carol. She’d lavish them with all the gifts and affection they’d like, but Kris knew who really mattered to her at the end of the day, and it wasn’t them. It was never them. They were just there to keep her company until Rudy recovered and Dess came back.
Toriel would get tired of them, too, eventually. It was inevitable. She’d get sick of Kris and throw them out like their birth parents had left them to die in the woods. It was only a matter of time. Every object had an expiry date. Kris was no exception.
I wish I’d just died back then.
I wish I was dead.
I wish I was dead.
I wish I was dead…
Not yet, though. Just a little more. A little further. Kris would fix everything, and then—and only then—they could finally be free. Redemption and punishment in one final swing of the executioner’s axe. It’d all be worth it, in the end. It had to be. They’d come too far to give up now.
Kris curled up under their blankets and drifted off to sleep, reassuring themself with that certainty.