Archive of Our Own

Shane and Ilya had the cottage to themselves for two weeks.
No press. No team. No neighbours.
Just peace. Privacy. Seclusion.
And the tiny corporate surveillance device strapped to Shane’s wrist.

His brand new Apple Watch.

The Apple Watch had not featured anywhere on Shane’s thoroughly vetted list of things required for a perfect summer. His mother had spent the entire playoffs securing him an Apple brand deal, and the terms of it were straightforward: wear it, close the rings, share the Activity with her, and keep the brand-deal gods satisfied through the sacred offering of certified ring-closing data. It was clear when she had explained it to him on the phone. It was clearer when she had emailed the contract to him. It was somehow, less clear when she had drawn a diagram of how it worked, but by that point, if Shane heard the phrase: “certified ring closing data” one more time he would have thrown himself in front of a Zamboni. Regardless, Shane honoured the contract because if there was one thing aside from hockey that Shane was serious about, it was lucrative brand deals that could buy him more real estate.

He wore the watch. He shared the data. He closed the rings.

However, he did not, at any point, consider what data might get shared at one in the morning when he was sharing his bed with his rival turned boyfriend.

[12:58AM, Friday] | Mom

Mom:
Shane, why did you complete a 43-minute workout at 12:55am?

Shane:
What workout?

Mom:
The watch sent me a notification. You closed your Exercise ring.

Shane:
I'm at the cottage. I'm asleep.

Mom:
You don't appear to be asleep.

Shane:
… Well, I was asleep. I’d probably still be asleep if someone didn’t text me.

Mom:
It says your heart rate reached 164.

Shane:
You’re not going to let this go, are you?

Mom:
Was it cardio or weights?

Shane:
It’s clearly a glitch.

Mom:
It also says you burned 503 calories. That's wonderful, but it's one in the morning. You need rest.

Shane:
It’s a glitch. I’ll figure it out tomorrow, okay?

Shane:
Goodnight.

Mom:
Remember to stretch and hydrate after your workouts. Goodnight xx🥰

Shane set the phone face-down on the nightstand. Beside him, stark naked, Ilya had been laughing without sound for nearly a minute. The one that came from the stomach. The one that made the whole mattress shake. The one that meant Ilya was going the right way for a smack on the ass.

"Don't," Shane said.

"Five hundred calories."

"Don't."

"I am very proud. You are athlete."

Shane put a pillow over his own face.

“Want to burn 500 more?”

“Ilya,” Shane said through the pillow.

Ilya pulled the pillow away and kissed Shane right on top of his frown lines.

[8:17AM] | Yuna

Yuna:
Good Morning, Ilya. Do you know why is Shane working out at 1am?

Ilya:
good morning yuna :) how would i know if shane is working out at 1am?

Yuna:
Ilya. I'm a grown woman, not a nun. I know you two are sleeping in the same bed. Why is Shane working out at 1am?

Ilya:
shane is very serious about apple deal.

Yuna:
Are you working out with him?

Yuna:
Ilya??

1 missed call from Yuna.

[8:51AM] | Yuna

Yuna:
He just worked out again? Why is he pushing himself so hard in the off-season?

Ilya:
sorry was busy. :) i will talk to him about workout routine. see you in fortnight. looking forward to seeing you and david.

Yuna:
Thank you. Looking forward to seeing you too xx

Over breakfast that morning, Shane outlined his plan. He would just disable the Activity sharing.

Problem solved.

No more sex data being sent to his mother. No more 1am workout notifications. No more Apple Watch turning his sex life into a engagement report for Apple. He relayed the plan to Ilya. Instead of recognising genius when it was sitting directly across from him, Ilya only let out a sigh.

"Do not do this," Ilya said, without looking up from his toast.

"It's one setting."

“You turn it off, she sees you stopped sharing, she calls, she asks why. Then you have to explain to Yuna why you do not want her seeing your exercise,” Ilya explained. He put the toast down and took a long sip of coffee, giving Shane an extremely generous amount of time to realise he was right.

Shane, however, knew he was wrong.

“I’ll tell her I’m compiling data, so that Apple only has one email from us.”

“Shane.”

“Ilya.”

“Even if that works, which it will not, she still worries and then she drives up to cottage with some kind of recovery powder she has found on internet."

"She's not going to drive up."

“Shane, she nearly drove up when you said you were taking watch off as joke.” Ilya took a took a bite of toast to emphasise the point. "Also is Apple deal that she built. Sharing is whole point of contract. You turn off, you both lose best sponsorship she has negotiated. You think she will not notice?"

Shane turned it off anyway.

Because what does Ilya know? Nothing.

Well, he knows things. But he definitely knows nothing about brand deals with Apple. He hadn't even seen the confusing diagram.

[11:48AM, Saturday] | Mom

Mom:
Sweetheart, the app says you've stopped sharing your Activity with me. Did something happen?

Shane:
No. I think it's a bug.

Mom:
Shane. You were burning 503 calories at 1am and now there's nothing at all. That's not a bug, that's a red flag. And the Apple team wrote in the contract that they will review all your engagement over the summer. Especially when you said you were going to the cottage. Do you not remember the yoga segment we secured all those years ago? They’re expecting yoga, Shane.

Shane:
Jesus.

Mom:
Going dark in the first month is not something I want to have to explain to them.

Shane:
It was a bug. I've fixed it. We're sharing again.

Mom:
Good. I'm also sending you some concentrated Korean red ginseng from a supplier in Hongdae. It's excellent for adrenal recovery and cortisol regulation.

Shane:
I don't need Korean red ginseng.

Mom:
You don't need to know what you need. That's what I'm for. 🥰

Shane turned the sharing back on and set the phone face-down on the table. Across the kitchen, Ilya raised his coffee an inch off the counter in a small and petty and insufferable toast. Shane resolved not to give him the satisfaction of a reaction and then failed in spectacular fashion when he gave him the finger.

Unfortunately, Saturday night’s late-night work out did not go unobserved either.

The watch tracked his movement and heartrate, and Yuna cross-referenced it eight hours later.

[8:02AM, Sunday] | Mom

Mom:
You've worked out after midnight two nights running now.

Shane:
I've had trouble sleeping. The exercise helps.

Mom:
At 2am? And look at the pattern. Last night: 32 minutes. Then 42. Then another 8 minute one? 

Shane:
I was experimenting with intervals.

Mom:
This is not intervals, Shane. This is clearly a stress response. You do this when you're anxious. You've done it since you were a boy. You just used to just work on stick handling instead. Is that something that would help with the stress? Handling your stick?

Shane:
No.

Mom:
Maybe you and Ilya can do stick handling drills together?

Shane:
No.

Mom:
Okay well you're not recovering between sessions. Two a night, sometimes three? No body can take that. You'll injure yourself. Are you stretching?

Shane:
Jesus. Mom, I'm fine. I promise.

Mom:
[Link: Muscleandstrength.com | "Overtraining Syndrome: When Rest Is the Real Workout"] Read this please. It's important.

Mom:
I've also made you a recovery plan. I’ll send you the link, It'll be in a shared note. With checkboxes. Donna from book club showed me how to do it.

Shane:
You made a shared note. That Donna from book club helped you with.

Mom:
Tick them as you go. I'll know if you skip one 

Shane:
Of course you will.

Mom:
I'm watching those rings. Love you. 🥰

Shane:
Mom. This has to stop. I’m a grown adult. I can look after myself.

Mom:
Shane Hollander.

Shane:
Sorry.

Mom:
I have managed your career since you were four years old. I drove you to hockey camp at Lac-Beauport at five in the morning for nine winters. I found the one coach who overlooked your height and appreciated your speed on the ice before your growth spurt. The Rolex deal was me. The Reebok deal was me. The watch on your wrist is me. That is an Apple partnership I built, and the whole point of it is that you wear the thing and you log it, so do not lecture me about monitoring your rings. I have read every contract you have ever signed before your agent did, and I have never once been wrong about your body.

Mom:
I am not going to start being wrong about it now.

Shane:
Sorry. Understood.

Mom:
Good. Glad we cleared that up. Love you. 🥰

After Ilya had recovered from his laughing fit from Yuna's message, they spent Sunday afternoon on the dock with their feet in the water, not talking about it, until Shane started talking about it. Because he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

"Do you think she actually believes they're workouts?"

Ilya was lying on his back with his eyes closed.

"Yuna probably thinks you are very dedicated athlete. Is the truth. You commit to cardio."

"Ilya."

"She will not work it out. She is worried, not suspicious. There is difference."

The lake was very still. A loon called from somewhere across the water.

"What if she tells my dad? He’s not obsessed with turning me into a trademark like she is. He’ll figure it out in five seconds,"

Ilya opened one eye and looked up at Shane.

"Come here."

"Ilya, I'm being serious."

"I am also being serious. Come here."

Shane did, against his better judgment, because at least it would stop him spiralling. Ilya kissed him, slow and unhurried and necessary, until Shane stopped thinking about the shared note, the brand deal, and the Korean supplements his mother had apparently purchased for him that would fix all his problems that he didn't have.

Twenty minutes later, the watch logged another workout: 25 minutes, heart rate 166.

His mother's phone chimed in Ottawa. She set it face-down and resolved that she would simply have to try harder because Shane clearly didn’t want to listen to her advice and practice stick handling.

The solution to all his problems came to him on the far side of the lake on Monday afternoon, alone. It arrived like all his good ideas did: whole, obvious, simple, and without Ilya next to him distracting him with his crooked smile.

He stopped on the path and texted it at once, because if there was one thing better than solving the entire problem, it was gloating about it to the man who had beaten him at pool that morning.

[4:38PM, Monday] | Ilya

Shane:
I've solved everything. I'll take the watch off at night.

Ilya:
and then your rings do not close. yuna sees you stop moving completely at night for many hours. she has data. is apple deal she is most proud of. she will see it go flat in one night.

Shane:
People stop moving at night. It's called sleeping.

Ilya:
you do not sleep that still, shane.

Shane:
And who’s fucking fault is that?

Ilya:
😈🍆💦🍑 sleep is for the weak.

Shane:
I’ll show you weak.

He took the watch off before they went to bed.

[7:12AM, Tuesday] | Mom

Mom:
Sweetheart, your activity completely flatlined last night. Nothing at all from 11 to 7.

Shane:
I slept well. I took those vitamins you brought for me.

Mom:
You didn't move once. After three nights of midnight workouts your body goes totally still? That's not rest, that's a crash. Should I call someone?

Shane:
Okay. I just took the watch off.

Mom:
Why would you take the watch off?

Shane:
…

Shane:
I'll keep it on.

Mom:
Thank you, sweetheart. 🥰

That night, at 1:14am and then at 1:48am, Shane closed every ring he owned.

Unbeknownst to him, his mother was still awake in Ottawa, watching the notifications land one after another. The next morning over her espresso, she decided she needed to talk to the one person she knew cared about Shane just as much as she did.

[7:33AM, Wednesday] | David

Yuna:
I'm worried about Shane, love.

David:
You could have told me that this morning

Yuna:
He's working out in the middle of the night at the cottage. Twice last night. 1:14 and 1:48.

David:
Okay.

Yuna:
He isn't giving himself time to recover. His heart rate hit 171. I think he's spiralling. You know how he gets when he can't control something, he won't say a word. He didn’t even want to handle his stick.

Yuna:
You remember how much he used to like that when he was younger?

Yuna:
I’m scared he is going to run himself into the ground before the next season even starts.

David:
Ilya is up at the cottage with him.

Yuna:
… Yes? Ilya is up there with him. Why did you say that?

David:
Think about it.

Yuna:
David. What do you mean by think about it? Do you not care about Shane’s mental health?

Yuna:
Oh.

Yuna:
Oh, David.

David:
There’s my girl.

Yuna:
I'm going to need you to delete this entire conversation.

David:
Deleting it now.

Yuna:
And never say a word about it.

David:
Exercise.

Yuna:
David.

David:
Sorry.

[9:56AM] | David

David:
"Exercise" later tonight? :)

Yuna:
... Come straight home after work. 

[10:34AM, Wednesday] | Yuna

Ilya:
yuna. hello. i must tell you something and it is a little serious.

Yuna:
Are you and Shane okay?

Ilya:
yes.

Yuna:
Did Shane break his Apple Watch?

Ilya:
no.

Yuna:
Okay, good. What’s on your mind? 🥰

Ilya:
the workouts. the ones at night. i am worried you have wrong idea. i do not want you to worry about shane. he is not overtraining.

Yuna:
Ilya. I know what they are.

Ilya:
oh.

Ilya:
oh no.

Yuna:
Breathe, sweetheart.

Ilya:
i am so sorry. you are his mother. this is most embarrassed i have been in my entire life.

Yuna:
Ilya Rozanov. I am his mother, not a fainting Victorian dowager. I worked it out this morning, I have made my peace with it, and I would like us to never use the word "workout" or “exercise” in this context again.

Ilya:
i am still very sorry.

Yuna:
You have done nothing wrong.

Ilya:
okay. okay. thank you.

Yuna:
He's happy. He laughs more than he has in years, and you're the reason. That is the only thing on that watch I care about. I understand the importance of being in love, Ilya. I’m not all just about hockey and brand deals even though Shane thinks I am these days.

Ilya:
he tells me he loves you a lot

Yuna:
That’s very sweet of you to say that, but I’m sure there’s a lot of other words in between the affection.

Ilya:
i do not know these words. i only know good boy words.

Yuna:
You’re nearly as bad at lying as he is. Anyway, I know he thinks he’s figured out a way to hide this.

Ilya:
he thinks he is very sneaky.

Yuna:
Let him.

Ilya:
thank you yuna. i am still going to feel ill about this for a week.

Yuna:
Ilya. I will not be talking to Shane about this unless he brings it up. And if you want to talk to me about it in private, we'll meet for 1am pancakes when you're next over like we did last time you couldn't sleep. Otherwise, consider the matter resolved.

Ilya:
with choc chips? :)

Yuna:
AND Nutella. Serious conversation, you courting my son and all.

Ilya:
i am very lucky that shane has mom like you.

Yuna:
And I'm very lucky Shane has a boyfriend like you. See you for pancakes when you're next over x

Ilya:
it is date. :)

His mother said nothing to Shane about any of it. It was the single greatest act of maternal restraint in the recorded history of the Hollander family, though Shane wouldn't appreciate her generosity until much later.

[2:09PM, Wednesday] | Mom

Mom:
I'm going to stop nagging you about the workouts, sweetheart.

Shane:
Thank you. Truly.

Mom:
I just want you happy and rested. Make sure you stretch and hydrate. 🥰

Shane had spent four days catastrophising. But of course, much to Ilya’s inevitable annoyance that he hid so well when Shane eventually explained that he was extremely intelligent and had handled the situation perfectly, he had handled it.

The knot in his chest loosened. He believed the matter was closed. Truly, completely, entirely.

… However, it was not closed.

It had put on a Montreal Voyageurs jersey and jeans with grass stains.

Hayden Pike got an Apple Watch the following Thursday. He had wanted one for months, and now, according to the text he had sent Shane yesterday, he simply had to have one to support Shane and his new brand deal, because apparently friendship now required wearable proof of loyalty to capitalism. Jackie apparently had to have one too, because Hayden said she was cool like that. However, Jackie had privately told Shane that only wanted one so she would have a way to reach Hayden when he was busy avoiding the laundry or playing with the kids in the garden over the summer break.

But whatever worked.

Either way, by Thursday afternoon, Jackie had gathered the three of them into a group chat.

[4:02PM, Thursday] | Ring Challenge 💪

Hayden:
This time next week I will be DOMINATING the rings

Hayden:
Hollander you're going to be second don't get comfortable with that lead of yours

Shane:
I didn't agree to a ring challenge?

Hayden:
You accepted the activity invite bro that's agreeing

Shane:
You sent it at 11pm and I tapped it half asleep.

Jackie:
Shane Hollander not reading the terms and conditions? 😏

Hayden:
Yeah man thought that stuff GOT you off

Shane:
I hate you both.

Jackie:
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hayden:
Doesn't change the fact the competition is still on

Shane:
I’m at the cottage.

Hayden:
STILL ON HOLLANDER.

[8:14AM, Saturday] | Ring Challenge 💪

Hayden:
Hollander HOLLANDER wake up

Hayden:
wtf did you do a workout at 1:09 this morning a 47-minute workout

Hayden:
Heart rate 168 I was ASLEEP like a person how are you real teach me everything you know

Shane:
It's a glitch.

Hayden:
Your heart rate does not hit 168 from a GLITCH you machine

Hayden:
And what type of workout was that? yours says Other

Hayden:
What is Other it's not in the list I scrolled the whole list TWICE

Hayden:
Dude this thing even tracks stroke count? Would you ever track that?

Hayden:
Wait. How do you unlock Other??? is it a secret workout is it a premium thing

Jackie:
...

Jackie:
Shane.

Jackie:
Quick question. Completely unrelated. Is Ilya at the cottage with you right now? 👀

Shane:
I need to lie down.

Jackie:
LOL

Hayden:
What's happening what does Ilya being there have to do with the workout babe?

Hayden:
Is it a couples thing babe? Should me and Jackie be doing couples workouts?

Hayden:
Wait, does Rozanov have an Apple Watch? I bet I’m beating him babe I’m definitely beat him.

Jackie:
No babe.

Hayden:
Why does Hollander get a couples workout with Ilya and we don’t?

Jackie:
I'll tell you later babe. When you're home.

[8:31AM] | Jackie

Jackie:
Shane. I know what Other is.

Shane:
No, you don't.

Jackie:
Shane, do you like girl talk?

Shane:
No.

Shane:
I’m not even a girl?

Jackie:
Okay, well I like bro talk too so I’ll adapt.

Jackie:
I have eyes Shane. I see the way you and Ilya look at each other.

Shane:
Fuck me.

Jackie:
Is that what you say when you're doing the Other with one other?

Shane:
JACKIE.

Jackie:
Relax 😂 I would never say a word to a living soul. You're family.

Shane:
I know.

Jackie:
But between us. 47 minutes. 168. Logged as Other. Girl. 

Jackie:
I mean, bro.

Shane:
Please stop reading me my own statistics.

Jackie:
They have a category for CURLING, Shane. Curling 🥌 They do not have one for… Russian pole dancing? 🤣🤣

Shane:
I'm actually going to die.

Jackie:
I've known you eight years. "Secret 1am cardio machine" was not anywhere on my list for you.

Shane:
RIP Shane Hollander. Died from embarrassment because SOMEONE wouldn’t drop it.

Jackie:
It's a lot to absorb in one morning. I'm only one woman 😂

Shane:
Nobody was supposed to know any of this.

Jackie:
You wear your whole heart on your face sweetie. And now it seems on your wrist 💘

Shane:
Please don't tell Ilya or Hayden about any of this.

Jackie:
I would never dream of telling Hayden. 😊

[8:38AM] | Ilya

Jackie:

[Image sent: Screenshot from Apple Watch Data — Shane H: Workout: Other | 47 min | avg HR 168]

Jackie:
Ilya. I’m going to cut straight to the point because I heard somewhere that Russians don’t blush. Can you explain to me how you do this? 😏

Ilya:
hello jackie. what do you mean by this.

Jackie:
I'm a grown woman Ilya. Your ‘Other’ing has me intrigued.

Ilya:
and why are you intrigued by othering.

Jackie:
It's our anniversary soon. I would like to know how to Other like that with Hayden.

Ilya:
does hayden not other well? 😂

Jackie:
Ilya you know I am not going to tell you that. But those numbers come from somewhere. Is it Shane on top or??

Ilya:
jackie. if i tell you any of this you cannot tell shane or hayden.

Jackie:
Ilya, do you like girl talk?

Ilya:
i love girl talk.

Jackie:
Well, girl to girl. I promise 🤞 It's for our anniversary. Surely you can respect that?

Ilya:
i still do not think this is good idea.

Jackie:
If you tell me you can come to the next WAG catch-up with us as a special guest. And I'll also make you chicken parm next time you're over.

Incoming call from: Ilya.

[9:01AM] | Jackie

Shane:
Wait. You just said Hayden. Don't tell Ilya too.

Shane:
Hello?

[9:11AM]

Shane:
Jackie.

Shane:
Jackie please.

[9:47AM] | Ring Challenge 💪

Hayden:
So are we doing couples workouts or not???

[10:11AM] | Ring Challenge 💪

Hayden:
Also I have been in this app for 15 minutes and Other is NOT a workout you can pick how did you unlock it?!

Hayden:
Is it a streak reward? Do I need a streak? I'll do a streak.

Jackie:
Babe did you put the washing on? The kids need clean clothes for the sleepover at my mom's.

Hayden:
On my way babe.

Hayden:
Hollander this is NOT over I am finding Other if it is the last thing I do

Shane:
You’re both banned from saying babe.

Jackie:
Sorry baby. 😘

For a few days, nothing happened. Hayden and Jackie actually stopped calling each other babe too, which Shane counted as another victory.

He allowed himself to believe it was finished. For good this time. Jackie had not replied to a single one of his follow-up messages about Ilya, which he chose to interpret as discretion rather than evidence.

The watch kept logging. His mother kept quiet. The rings kept closing.

But the worst was yet to come.

The worst was waiting for the night after the Pikes’ anniversary.

[9:16AM, Thursday] | Jackie

Jackie:
👍

Ilya:
did you have fun? :)

Jackie:
😈🐔👉

Ilya:
i do not know this one.

Jackie:
Let's just say we Othered well. And because of girl code, I did not tell Hayden.

Ilya:
i like girl code.

Ilya:
i am looking forward to drinks with WAGS and eating your chicken parm. 

Jackie:
The girls are going to love you ❤️

[9:36AM] | Hayden

Hayden:
Bro

Hayden:
I know what Other means now

Shane:
…

Shane:
What?

Hayden:
Won't go into detail but I'm confident now check my Other workout

Shane:
Jesus christ, man.

Hayden:
😎 also you dirty dog Hollander. Not trying to make it weird but if you're doing what Jackie did... 

Shane:
I'm driving to Montreal to murder you now.

Hayden:
😂😂😂

Shane read Hayden's message four times. Then a worse thought arrived. Actually, it wasn't a worse thought. It was the worst one. The one that had been at hiding underneath the clusterfuck of this fortnight the entire time. If Hayden had worked it out, then his mother, who had been receiving every single one of those notifications, who tracked his rings for a living, who noticed when he taped his stick different would have definitely figured it out.

Three unanswered calls from to his mom later, Shane was spiralling in the bathroom.

[10:02AM] | Mom

Mom:
Sorry I missed your calls, sweetheart. I was at book club.

2 Missed Calls from Mom.

Mom:
Shane. Pick up the phone.

Shane:
I can't.

Mom:
You can't or you won't?

Shane:
I can't pick up the phone because I know what you're going to say and I would like to keep the last shred of dignity I have left.

Mom:
Sweetheart. I am aware that my son has a boyfriend. I am aware that my son's boyfriend is at his cottage with him. It would be very strange if certain things were not happening.

Shane:
I would very much like to stop talking about this now.

Mom:
By the way you never liked interval training.

Shane:
I am going to throw this phone in the lake.

Shane:
Then I’m going to throw myself in the lake.

Mom:
Don't you dare, that's Apple's phone. And I'm not upset. I've never been upset. I worked it out on Wednesday morning when your father said one sentence and I understood everything.

Shane:
DAD KNOWS?

Mom:
Your father has known since Wednesday and has said the word "exercise" to me at least a dozen times since, always with a particular face. He is having the time of his life.

Shane:
STOP. I can never look at either of you again.

Mom:
There was a difficult stretch on Tuesday night where I genuinely thought you were having a breakdown. And then your father pointed out that Ilya was up there with you, and I felt very silly, and then I felt very relieved, and then I muted the notifications. Because some things are not my business.

Shane:
Mom. Stop.

Mom:
I will never bring this up again on one condition.

Shane:
What condition?

Shane:
Tell me that condition now please.

Mom:
Do not read the email I sent to Apple last week about your late-night stress testing.

Shane:
What late-night stress testing?

Mom:
I told them you were performing voluntary capability tests on the watch in low-light, high-exertion conditions to push the sensor accuracy. They were delighted. Your engagement numbers are the most consistent on their entire athlete roster. They would like to extend for a second year.

Shane:
What the fuck?

Mom:
Don't swear. I told Apple that their ambassador is exceptionally dedicated. Which he is. You're welcome.

Shane:
I will see you at Christmas. In 2035. That’s how long it is going to take me to get over this.

Mom:
No you won't. You'll see me tomorrow when you two boys come for dinner. Love you xx 🥰

Shane sat slumped on the bathroom floor for a reasonable amount of time for someone who had just learned that “exercise” had become a sexual innuendo for his father.

He could hear Ilya in the bedroom outside the door. Ilya was on the bed, probably reading. Probably waiting. Probably sitting there with full fucking knowledge of everything like the smug little traitor that he is because he always knew things.

Shane picked up his phone.

[11:06AM] | Ilya

Shane:
YOU KNEW.

Ilya:
shane use your words i am in bedroom next door.

SHANE:
YOU FUCKING KNEW.

Ilya:
knew what?

Shane:
Don't. My mother has known since the FIRST NIGHT.

Ilya:
oh. yes. i was going to tell you about this.

Shane:
When? When were you going to tell me? At my funeral? Which is today, by the way. I'm dead. This is my ghost texting you. I’m haunting you forever.

Ilya:
ahh. spooky.

Shane:
Hayden knows, Ilya. Hayden has his own Other workout now. He texted me a SUNGLASSES EMOJI. HE TOLD ME JACKIE AND I PROBABLY DO THE SAME THING. I NOW HAVE THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD.

Ilya:
ah. yes. about this.

Shane:
…

Shane:
About WHAT?

Ilya:
jackie maybe asked me for some pointers. for her and hayden. for anniversary. i maybe gave her a few.

Shane:
WHAT THE FUCK?

Shane:
That is why Hayden knows. You are the reason Hayden knows.

Ilya:
in my defence she will be giving me chicken parm.

Shane:
You gave Jackie sex tips for chicken parm?

Ilya:
is very good chicken parm, shane.

Shane:
You sold us out... For chicken parm?

Ilya:
and WAG drinks. but that was her idea. i just wanted parm.

Shane:
We are not publicly out and you are going to WAG drinks?

Shane:
Have I died? Is this hell?

Ilya:
i am not going to WAG drinks. i just like that she asked. it was nice.

Shane:
She texted you before she texted me. My mom texted you before she texted me. Everyone on this planet has a better relationship with you than I do.

Ilya:
this is not true. nobody has what we have. i promise. not even jackie and her chicken parm.

Shane:
I don’t believe you.

Ilya:
you can. you do. come to bed.

Shane:
No.

Ilya:
i can hear you swearing from here. i am 20 metres away. you are texting me from 20 metres away if you do not come i will pick you up and carry you to bed.

Shane:
I can't look at you right now.

Ilya:
you can always look at me. is one of the best things about your life. you have said this.

Shane:
I said that in private.

Ilya:
everything with us is private. that is whole point. and i am sorry about pointers. i should not have done it. but shane. you are happy. yuna knows and she is not angry.

Shane:
How am I meant to recover from this?

Ilya:
some stretching and cardio will do trick 😈

Shane:
Ilya. I’m serious.

Ilya:
yuna will not talk about this if you do not want to talk to her about this. and she made you apple's best athlete for doing sex with me. this is incredible woman.

Shane:
First of all, gross. Secondly, don't say "doing sex."

Ilya:
making love?

Shane:
Yuck. Worse.

Ilya:
othering.

Shane:
I'm going to fucking kill you.

Ilya:
you are not. come to bed. i am here. i am waiting for you.

Shane:
… You are lucky I love you.

Ilya:
i know. ❤️

Ilya:
now come and close your rings. you are at 312 calories and apple expects more from their finest ambassador.

Shane:
Keep talking like that and I’m going to shove something up your ring.

Ilya:
😈🍑💦👅🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵