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They thought they had a chance . . . with her.
Stupid, emotionless Kris. To think they'd ever have a chance with her.
Kris felt the familiar sensation of the SOUL leaving their body for the day, after walking Susie home to Castle Town. They let out a breath they hadn't realized they'd been holding in. Thank God, they thought as they stumbled about, tears swimming in their eyes—tears that they'd been holding in until Susie left.
Their head buzzed, their body shook, their head swam with too many thoughts.
One of the last things Susie had said to them spun in their mind like a carousel:
"Kris this can't just be a you and me thing anymore. It needs to be . . Noelle's thing, too."
To an outsider, it made sense that Susie would want another friend in the Dark World. Why wouldn't she?
But to Kris, it was as if she was cutting off their relationship entirely. Adding Noelle in was proving she didn't need them anymore. And now, she was dating Noelle. They would be forced to watch them hold hands, watch them smile at each other, while Kris was pushed into the background as an afterthought.
Shut out once more, just like back then, when things were bad.
The pitch blackness of the school after hours seemed to mimic their inner turmoil. They clutched their sides, digging their nails into the meat of their stomach. The roar of their own pulse pounded in their ears, but it wasn't enough to drown out their thoughts.
You really thought she would even consider you? Kris almost laughed. Really? Now, she doesn't even want to hang out with you alone anymore! You've done too much and you've pushed her away, you selfish fuck!
They'd really thought Susie was having second thoughts about Noelle on their way home, saying she's been "thinking about . . . us." They thought maybe she'd finally realized Kris's feelings. That maybe, just maybe, she'd reciprocate.
And then, she dropped the bomb.
The quiet of the empty school hallway was deafening, broken only by their ragged, wheezing breathing. They needed fresh air.
Kris felt for the doorknob to leave the school. They turned the knob, squinting at the glaring streetlights, though the rush of cool air alleviated some of the sweat adorning their forehead.
Of course she'd want Noelle instead of them. Noelle excelled in every way that Kris did not. She was crazy smart, she was pretty, she was rich, and---most of all---she was emotionally intelligent. She could say more than just a few mumbles. She could actually express herself through words.
Susie probably just realized now how shit of a person they actually were. Just luck of the draw that made them friends. Just someone she needs to have due to all the prophecy shit.
Susie shouldn't want Kris, no one should! They didn't really provide Susie with anything. She was the Sun, they were her shadow, following her and trying to soak up some of her light. A shadow that couldn't speak, couldn't even choose their own words.
Even after hearing Noelle and Susie's confession on the lake, they still had a sliver of hope in their friendship with Susie. At least going to the Dark World was their thing no one could take away. But not anymore.
"It needs to be Noelle's thing, too."
SHUT UP! Kris pulled on their hair, trying to slow their thoughts. They walked backwards, which was a bad idea in itself. Their heel caught a concrete curb. Kris tumbled backward, the damp blades of grass scraping against the bare skin of their neck. Dirt caked their sweater, yet they just lay there, head spinning.
And yet, the fall barely impacted them. Their thoughts were too fast to even acknowledge what was happening to them physically. They pulled their knees close to them and sobbed into them.
Here they were again. Back to square one. Just when they thought they were getting better, they're getting left behind again. Left behind where their friends never notice them again. They shouldn't, for good reason.
Susie'd found someone better, someone more deserving of her love. Ralsei knew of their dark past and betrayal, he couldn't care for them truly ever again. And Noelle . . . they fucked up their relationship with her a long time ago.
They were alone again, just like back then.
They sniffled. It's okay, It's for the best. You aren't deserving of love anyway. What do you even provide for your friends anyways?
Kris took their pocket knife out of its sheath and studied it as the last of their tears streamed down their face. They traced their thumb along the beautiful metal carvings on the handle.
They help each other, they support each other. You just sit there and stare. Don't even try to offer comfort or even ask for any.
Part of Kris wanted to blame their lack of words on the SOUL. They couldn't choose when they spoke anyways.
Yet, the other half of them knew that even if they weren't being controlled, they'd speak just as much as they did now.
So this was all their fault.
At least everyone else is happy. They thought, hiccuping, they're happier without you. Maybe you should just make it easier for them and disappear. Then, they wouldn't have to deal with you anymore and they could be even happier! They've made it apparent they don't need you anymore.
"Being with you . . . makes my days better. Makes 'em of the best days I can have."
They wished she said it to them instead of her. They wished they could make her days better. Yet someone like Kris wasn't capable of that. So, if they can't make others happy, then why were they even here? Why were they still on this Earth if they only ruined things?
Kris glanced at their reflection in the blade of their pocket knife. Then, they pulled up their sleeves, studying every mark carved into their wrist. Marks from back then, when they had issues that everyone knew about.
They tried to forget it. They stopped counting how many days they've been clean since it became pointless to. They knew, deep down, that they'd always come back to their roots. And they always did.
Kris bit the inside of their cheek hard as they raised the knife. Old feelings brought back old habits. Maybe they'll actually have the guts to do it this time.
They lined up the blade horizontally against a clean part of their wrist, until something in them clicked.
No.
The sound of a metal object clattering against the ground filled their ears.
No, I'm not doing this! Not again. Never again.
They weren't this pathetic. Even if everyone was abandoning them again, even if they were alone once more, they couldn't give up. They couldn't wallow in their own self pity once more.
If no one was coming to save them, they would save themselves.
Doing this would still bring hurt to those around them.
Even when those people were blind to their own inner turmoil and hurt. They still couldn't do this to them.
Even if they didn't seem to notice, Kris knew they still loved them. They can't hurt anyone else anymore than they have.
If no one notices their shadow at the bottom of the lake, they can't wait for someone to save them.
They'll swim to the surface.
They'll learn to breathe again.
Even if it's without the Sun on their face.