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Ryland Grace has just ruined his life.
It’s not surprising, really. Anyone who knows him could attest to that. He’s always been too impulsive, too arrogant, had his head too far in the clouds. He’s just surprised it’s taken him until now to do it.
He’d been slipping for months now, spiraling until he’d gone too far. And then he’d blown up at his colleagues, spouting out insults like he had nothing to lose. Like he could just put the pieces of his life back together after blowing apart the only thing he felt passionate about.
So he guesses he doesn’t have anything to lose anymore. Except Colt.
His brother will miss him. There’s no getting around that. They’d never lived apart until they were 20, and even since then not a week goes by where they don’t call at least once. Often more.
But maybe he can soften the blow. If he can make Colt hate him just a little, before he goes, maybe then he’ll be glad, instead of devastated.
He can’t bear the thought of his twin hating him. But he also doesn’t want to hurt the only person he has left. So this is the only choice.
He won’t be glad no matter what, and Ryland knows that. But maybe it will help a little.
It has to. His mind is made up.
***
Colt’s brother is being insufferable.
It started off as mere annoyances. He’d wait hours to call Colt back, spouting off ridiculous excuses when he finally did. He’d say he was coming to Sunday dinner, then never show up, not bothering to text him that something came up until he was starting to worry something had happened to Ryland. He was curt whenever they talked, but if Colt tried to bring it up, he just denied it.
Now it’s gotten even worse. He’s acting irritable, picking fights over the smallest things whenever they talk (which is way less often than it used to be), and still continues to deny that anything is wrong. Colt isn’t sure what he can do if this continues. He’s trying to be there for his brother, but it’s impossible when he won’t admit anything is wrong.
He entertains the idea that maybe he’s done something wrong. Maybe Ryland is doing this because he’s angry with Colt.
But Ryland has never tiptoed around anything with Colt before. If he’s angry, he’ll say it, plus exactly why he feels that way. They’ve never held grudges or kept secrets, at least not big ones. So Colt is at a loss for what this could possibly be about.
He’ll just have to confront his brother about it.
If he invites Ryland over again, there’s a good chance he just won’t show up. Colt will have to go to him. Good thing they have a spare key to each other’s apartment. He’ll show up in the evening, when he’s sure his twin will be back from work, and he won’t leave until he gets some answers.
He hates that he even has to do this. He wishes Ryland would just talk to him. They’ve never been so at-odds before, and as much as it infuriates him, it hurts him even more.
So the next day, after being thoroughly berated and cussed out by Tom Ryder (the world's most famous prick) he’s frustrated to no end. And Ryland still isn’t answering any texts or calls. Well, guess it’s now or never. Colt wants answers, and he’s going to get them. He welcomes the confrontation.
He drives the familiar route to his brother’s apartment and parks in the usual spot. He gets a couple of double takes as he walks to the stairwell, people thinking he’s Tom Ryder. That just serves to piss him off even more. He’s more than ready to take out some of his frustration on Ryland.
Ryland isn’t in his apartment though. Colt flicks on lights as he walks through, but sees no sign of him.
The place is… way too clean. His brother has always been messy, leaving clothes, books, shoes and dishes everywhere. But now the apartment is practically spotless.
Colt throws open Ryland’s closet to reveal a row of boxes on the ground, containing most of the clothes that should be hanging there.
What the hell?
Is Ryland moving? To where? Why? And most importantly… why wouldn’t he tell Colt?
His brother hasn’t so much as brought up the topic of him potentially leaving. He’d had months, and ample opportunity to do so. Ryland has clearly been packing up his stuff for weeks.
Colt is seething by now. But he forces himself to sit on the couch and wait.
Sure enough, ten minutes later, one Ryland Grace walks through the door.
“So,” Colt begins.
His brother jumps, a hand flying to his chest, a look of surprise crossing his face. Then it hardens into annoyance.
“What are you doing here?” Ryland asks, scowling.
Colt scoffs, standing and crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m here because I’m done playing games. You’re going to tell me what’s going on. Now.”
Ryland looks away, face carefully blank. Expression… calculated. “I don’t know what you’re talking ab—”
“Bullshit!” Colt interrupts, stepping forward, fists balling. “Don’t you dare stand there and tell me there’s nothing going on. You’ve been ignoring me for weeks, and when you aren’t ignoring me you’re starting some stupid argument. You’re packing Ryland. You’re trying to leave.”
His brother’s face twists in bitterness. “So?”
Colt wants to scream. Instead he sucks in a ragged breath, holding his anger in as best he can. “Ry, I’m your brother. You’re all I have left, so if I did something you have to tell me.”
Ryland’s face goes blank again. Like even his emotions are something Colt no longer has access to.
“Why should I tell you? It won’t change anything. Now will you leave? I’m busy.”
He shakes his head in disbelief, face heating with anger. “No, I’m not leaving! Tell me why you’re packing up! Tell me why you haven’t called!”
“No.” His brother shakes his head stubbornly. Colt stares in disbelief.
‘No.’ That’s it. Not even an excuse.
He punches the wall. Then he curses, shaking his hand out in pain. He should really know better than to do that.
“You’re really starting to piss me off,” Colt seethes.
“Good,” Ryland mutters.
He freezes. “What did you just say?”
“Nothing,” his brother denies.
Colt scoffs. “That was not nothing. You’re trying to make me mad. Why?”
Silence. He keeps his mouth shut, face turned slightly away.
“What, is it something I did? Are you trying to get back at me?” Colt demands. “I’ll apologize! But I can’t if I don’t know what for!”
Still nothing. All his brother does is turn further away. It breaks Colt’s heart, and his restraint.
“What’s going on?” He shouts. “Why won’t you just talk to me? Whatever it is, I can try to fix it!”
When Ryland still doesn’t turn around, Colt storms forward.
“Why are you doing this?!” He rages, placing a hand on his brother’s shoulder, ready to force him to face Colt.
But before he can, Ryland spins around on his own. “Just go! I don’t want you here!”
“No! I’m not leaving until you fucking tell me what’s going on!” Colt demands
“Why do you care? Why won’t you just hate me?!”
Colt’s mind goes blank, because… what? He starts to pay closer attention to his brother. His face is red, chest heaving, and tears flow down his cheeks. His eyes are… absolutely miserable.
“I need you to hate me!”
Colt doesn’t know exactly what’s going on, but he knows they’re in unfamiliar territory.
Dangerous territory.
“Ry…” he begins. Slowly. Cautiously. “You know I could never hate you.”
His brother chokes on a sob, raising a palm to his eyes to press the tears away. “No, you have to.”
He’s not making any sense. Colt places a hand on each of his shoulders to try to ground him. And partially so that he won’t try to escape.
“I can’t.” Colt tells his twin. “No matter what you do, no matter where you go, it’s impossible for me to hate you. Why are you trying to convince me to?”
Ryland shakes his head miserably. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to have to miss me.”
Miss him? How can he not understand that there isn’t a world where Colt is capable of not missing his brother. Even when they haven’t seen each other for a few days, it feels like too long. They’re two different people, they have their two separate lives, but those lives have always included each other. Colt doesn’t know what he’d do if that suddenly changed.
“What are you talking about, Ry?” Colt asks softly. “Where are you trying to go? Why now? You love your job, and I thought you loved living near me.”
His brother chokes on another sob. “I ruined that. I ruined my reputation in my field, with my colleagues. They fired me. I have nothing left.”
His mind reels from the information. What could Ryland have done that ruined his entire career? But he senses that isn’t what he needs to focus on right now.
“You have me,” Colt insists. “You always will.”
That only makes his brother cry harder, and shake his head.
Foreboding grips Colt. Ryland still hasn’t told him where he’s planning to go.
“Ryland,” Colt says. “Look at me.”
He waits until his brother’s gaze tentatively meets his before continuing.
“Whatever is going on, we’ll get through it together, okay? We’ll figure it out.”
Ryland’s gaze is helpless. “You can’t.” He whispers, voice dull. “You can’t fix this.”
Colt has never been so scared in his life. Not when he fell out of a tree when he was six, not even when he jumped a boat through a ring of fire for the first time. The too-clean apartment and the distance Ryland is trying to put between them are starting to make horrifying sense.
“You’re planning something, aren’t you?” Colt chokes out. He can’t even say the word.
Ryland just stares at him, stubbornly. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. It’s confirmation enough.
His brother wants to die. His brother has a plan.
Colt pulls Ryland into his arms, holding him tight. His heart races as he tries to think of what to do. As long as he’s holding Ryland, his brother is still safe. They can figure this out.
Ryland melts into the embrace, sobbing in earnest. And Colt holds on with no intention of letting go. He’s never heard his brother sound this broken.
It must be half an hour before the sobs die down. Colt takes the time to think of his own plan, one that will keep Ryland safe. First things first, Colt will bring his brother to his apartment. It’s slightly bigger, but more importantly it isn’t half packed-up. He’ll need to call and let the directors know he can’t come in for the next week or so. They’ll be pissed, but they can’t fire him without Tom Ryder’s approval, and Colt is pretty sure he won’t let that happen. Not for any selfless reasons, but it doesn’t matter to Colt.
“You need water,” he tells Ryland, still speaking softly. “And then we need to talk. For real this time.”
His brother starts to shake his head, but Colt won’t let him keep pulling away. Not now that he knows what’s on the line.
“I’m serious, Ry.” He helps him to the couch, then disappears into the kitchen to fill a glass of water. He hates leaving Ryland alone for even a few minutes, but Colt knows he needs a minute to gather his thoughts before they talk. They both do, if he’s being honest.
Ryland is sitting right where Colt left him when he gets back with the glass of water. He stares at Colt with a blank expression, though his eyes are still bloodshot and teary.
He waits until his brother finishes the water before beginning.
“How long have you been planning to kill yourself?”
He and Ryland both wince at the bluntness of it, but Colt doesn’t know how else to say it.
“I don’t know,” he whispers hoarsely. “Since… since the conference.”
“What happened?” Colt asks.
Ryland lets out a humorless laugh. “I just… I got so tired of no one believing me. I’ve spent years refusing to back down from what I wrote in my papers, and at the conference they were so pointed about it. Everyone there knew they were mocking me for what I wrote. So I kind of blew up. It’s all a blur, but I think I called someone important a ‘staggering waste of carbon.’ It was so stupid of me, but by the time I realized that it was too late. So I got fired. What else were they supposed to do when I acted so unprofessionally? My whole career down the drain, just like that. I went home that day and… realized I couldn’t see a future for myself. I thought maybe if I could make you hate me, it wouldn’t hurt as much when I was gone.”
Colt’s eyes well up with tears that he blinks away furiously. He drags his brother into another crushing embrace. “Don’t say that,” he mutters through the tears. “Nothing you could do would ever make you not being here hurt less. I need you, Ry. You have to promise you won’t leave me.”
Ryland is silent for a few horrible seconds. Then he slowly nods against Colt’s shoulder.
“Okay,” he whispers, voice breaking. “I— I promise.”
“Good.” Colt says fiercely. “We’re going to figure this out, okay? Together.”
“How?” Ryland chokes out. “I can’t— I can’t go back. My reputation is ruined. Even if some lab was crazy enough to hire me despite what happened, I don’t think I could do it. I can’t endure that kind of constant humiliation.”
Colt squeezes his brother tighter. “Don’t think about that right now. We can figure it out later. In the meantime you’re staying with me, I’ll take some time away from the set. And… I think you should see a therapist.”
He has a suspicion that Ryland hasn’t been in a good mental state for a while. Even when they were teenagers he would occasionally tell Colt about feeling like he was spiraling, but it’s been a long time since he’s mentioned anything like that. Colt should have known better than to think that meant it wasn’t happening anymore.
Ryland sighs. “Yeah, okay. That… might be a good idea.”
Relief pulses through Colt’s chest that his brother isn’t fighting him on any of this. He knows Ryland. The fact that he isn’t arguing means that on some level, he wants to get better.
He lets go of Ryland and stands. “Okay, what stuff do you want to bring?” He’s already headed for the bathroom to grab his brother’s toothbrush and other essentials. When he returns, he finds Ryland in the bedroom, packing some clothes into a carry-on suitcase. He takes a few things out of the boxes as he goes, leaving them on the floor instead of hanging them up. The space feels a little more normal, just like that.
“Ready?” He asks. He gets a tentative thumbs-up in return.
Colt smiles, and picks up the suitcase, carrying it out of the apartment and down the stairs, Ryland trailing behind.
The car ride is silent. It’s a place in between awkward and comfortable. Not quite either, but a little bit of both. It’s so far away from what Colt is used to when it comes to his brother, but after everything that happened today it’s a step in the right direction.
By the time he parks, Ryland is practically nodding off. When he tries to grab the suitcase, Colt beats him to it, ignoring the glare being sent his way. Not that there’s any real heat to it.
Colt unlocks the door, and immediately points his brother toward the bathroom to get ready for bed. He knows he shouldn’t hover near the door, Ryland will probably be fine. He hovers anyway, unable to shake the fear that’s been coursing through him since he first realized what’s really been going on.
His brother can sense the shift. They both know it. But he doesn’t say anything. Not even when he almost hits Colt in the face with the bathroom door when it swings open.
“We’ll talk more in the morning, okay?” Colt says, ushering Ryland to the bedroom. In between hovering, Colt had changed the sheets while his brother was in the bathroom. He’d also changed into his own pajamas and brushed his teeth using the kitchen sink.
He doesn’t have a spare bedroom, and right now he’s a little glad of it, as bad as that sounds, because it gives him an excuse to hover, and less time that his brother is out of his sight.
“I’m not letting you take the couch!” Ryland tries to protest, even though he’s already under the blankets.
Colt laughs, pulling back the blankets on the other side of the bed. “You thought I was taking the couch?”
“Oh,” his brother snorts. “Yeah that makes more sense. Just don’t kick me in your sleep.”
He scoffs. “Me? That was always you!”
Hearing Ryland’s quiet laugh eases the tightness in his chest, if only a little bit. Because even though nothing is fixed yet, he believes his brother’s promise that he isn’t going anywhere.
***
Ryland Grace isn’t fine yet. To tell the truth, he might not be for a long time.
But he has his brother.
Right now that’s enough.