Chapter Text
Chill winds blew through the empty streets of Hometown, scattering paper mâché and Holiday lights across the pavement like shattered memories. In this turbulence, she could not grasp a single moment. The winds groaned and hissed through her hair, stealing away what little joy she could hold onto. Her past slipped through her fingers, and with it, everyone around her.
When night came, so too did the rest of the townsfolk get swept away by the gale. With all the commotion and potential for a storm, Hometown was left in shambles for the night. Flyers for festival events swirled in the air, another memory of a time that seemed so long ago, when in truth, it had been barely half a day.
There was no time to remove the Holiday lights.
So she watched those lights twinkling—twinkling a rainbow of memories, of times lost, of lights shining in the dark, of warm nights spent with hot chocolate and—
A draft tore those Holiday lights off the rooftop. They fell with a violent crash! that left her wide-eyed and terrified. The cracked-open lights sputtered electricity, color gone, light fizzling out. Noelle couldn't look away, couldn't tear her gaze from it. She deserved to look. She deserved to watch as the wind swept her Holiday lights away, deserved to watch as the world stole everything.
Afterall, what else did she have?
She couldn't even manage to cry anymore. Noelle curled into herself, hugging her knees tightly, huddling for warmth.
It must have only been an hour ago.
…
"Noelle."
No response.
"As much as it pains me to say this, I cannot stay any longer."
No response. What was left to say?
"There are emergencies happening all over town that I must attend to."
No response. She never had time. Even now.
"Noelle. We cannot stay in the hospital overnight. Come. We must get you home. It isn't safe."
No response.
She marched through the hospital doors with her mother. When she made it past the steps, her legs stopped.
"… Noelle." There was almost a softness in her voice. But Noelle could never find it. "We must hurry."
No response.
A click of the tongue. Carol checked her watch. "I understand your pain."
No you don't.
"He is my husband."
He was my dad.
"But for his sake, we must hurry."
No response.
"Noelle Holiday, get up this instant."
No response.
Carol hissed through her teeth. It was the closest thing to empathy Carol had expressed. "I must trust you to get home in due time then. You will go home on your own. Yes?"
No response.
"Noelle. Promise me you will—"
"I'll be fine." Just leave.
A moment of silence. Wind blew through them both, carrying the bite of darkness. Noelle shivered. Carol did not.
"Very well. You have your key this time, yes?"
No response.
Northern winds howled. Carol said, "I understand. I must be off. Noelle." A pause. A heartbeat. A tempest. "Please be safe." And she left.
When Noelle was certain her mother was long gone, she fell apart on the hospital doorsteps, in the darkness, in a whirlwind of ache.
…
She hadn't moved since. How long could it have been? She wasn't sure. She didn't care. A sob choked her throat. But no tears remained.
Memories of warmth, memories of joy, memories of love and happiness—they had all been dashed along the streets, laid out for the world to see—and broken into pieces.
…
"Hey there lil mistletoe. You and your sister have a good time at the festival?"
"We did, Dad, but she ended up crying."
"Aw, what'dya cry for, sweetie?" His warm hands took Noelle's little body with ease, hugging her tight while chuckling into her hair. "Your holly jolly sister won! Ain't that somethin' to be happy for? Faha, Dess, don't roll your eyes at that one!"
Noelle snuggled deep into her father's torso, his fuzzy sweater smelling of hot chocolate and Holiday wiring. She wasn't crying anymore.
"She wanted to win with Kris for some reason," her sister said, warm smile caught on her muzzle. "Cried her little eyes out when it was me 'n Azzy."
"Really!" Rudy laughed, his belly rumbling comfortably against Noelle's tiny snout. "You that into Krismas sweetheart?"
Noelle didn't respond. She was just so happy. She clutched the fuzzy fabric of his sweater tighter. He never minded.
"I think she just got it into her head after seein' us. Bet she just wanted to win something." Dess chuckled.
"Well my little basket of holly berries," Dad said, nuzzling ever so slightly, his beard a similar texture to the Christmas sweater he wore. "I'm sure you'll win one day too. And I'll be there to congratulate you."
…
That day would likely never happen.
She thought of the lake. Thought of Susie's smiling face. Thought of her heartbeat.
Was it enough? Was it enough? She thought at the time it was. But now, her soul had turned to stony ice. If she were to go into the lake now, would she simply sink? Would she drift below the currents, drawn down into the darkest depths, where no memories could reach her anymore? The wind couldn't hurt her down there. The memories couldn't hurt her down there.
Susie…
It was only a matter of time before she left too, wasn't it?
Whether they wanted to or not, it seemed Noelle had been cursed. Cursed to always lose the ones around her she loved the most.
She tried so hard. Her whole life. She tried so hard.
But the wind did not care. The oceans would keep forever boiling. The storms would keep brewing. It didn't matter how good of a life she led, it didn't matter how good her grades are. In the end, if the earth were to open its maw and devour everyone, what could she ever do about it? It would take and it would take and it would take until Noelle had nothing left to give.
And she had so very little left to give.
Noelle let out a shuddering sigh. The wind dried the tears clinging to her fur, but the weight remained. Her body would not move. If the wind took her, if a gust blew her away, well. Maybe that would be for the best.
Something stirred in the distance down the street. Noelle's ears flicked despite herself. She did not look towards the source of the sound, did not care to find the answer. It was a pair of steps. Hopefully they wouldn't notice her.
"Hey, wait is that…"
(Please. Don't look at me. Just go away.)
"Noelle! Hey! Hey, Noelle!" a raspy voice called out, a flickering candlelight surviving despite the turbulent storm.
Noelle clutched her arms tighter, huddled into herself tighter. (I can't. I… I can't.)
No response.
Footsteps raced towards her, the louder ones thumping hardest and fastest. Susie.
"Noelle, hey! What's up?" Susie stood above her. The quieter steps kept a careful distance away. Kris.
No response.
"Hey…" Susie's voice softened. "Did… did something happen?" (Did Kris not tell her…? Why…?) There was a shuffle, the touch of a shoulder, of a jacket rustling in the breeze. "Huh? Kris, no, I'm not leaving."
(You should. Kris understands.)
A voice. Someone spoke. Deadpan. Mumbly. A voice that Noelle had nearly forgotten.
"Wait, you're going home?" Susie asked. Wind whispered against Noelle's ears. "What do you mean your mom is calling…? Your phone isn't ringing, dumbass. You've been weird since you grabbed that balloon." Another whisper. "Fine. Ugh. Well, I'm not leaving her."
Noelle imagined Kris must have nodded. Quiet steps were carried away in the winds, back home, where they belonged.
Susie sat down next to Noelle, close enough that their shoulders touched, but not so much that she was invasive. She said nothing, instead letting the breeze speak its susurrus for them. Noelle's ears flicked as Susie's hair continued to blow against them, irritating them just so slightly.
But Noelle wouldn't move away. She wouldn't move from this spot.
For a time longer, they sat in complete silence. Susie made no motion, made no sound that could be heard over the gales. She must have been lost in thought as well. Until finally, when it felt as if the world would collapse into her…
"Noelle." Just the way she said her name, just the way it breathed between her lips. It slowly cracked Noelle's frozen soul open.
No response.
"Hey. If you want me to leave…" Susie sighed, her mouth facing the dark skies, her words drifting. "Say something. Do something. I'll give you space, ya know? I won't take it personally or nothin'. I don't know if I'm being selfish or tryin' to help you right now."
A heartbeat.
Noelle said nothing. But she laid her head against Susie's side, huddling deeper, trying and failing to hide a shudder. Even in the frigid winds, Susie was warm. So warm. She smelled of sickly-sweet flowers and sweat and dirt.
Susie carefully wrapped an arm around Noelle's shoulder, pulling her in closer. Noelle was still a huddled mess, completely crumpled into herself. Susie rubbed her side slowly, as if unsure what she was doing, as if unsure what to do at all. When Noelle didn't complain, her motions slowly became more confident, moved with more assurance. Her sharp claws never hurt.
"You want me to talk a bit?" Susie asked, as if she were questioning a mysterious god. "Like. To myself. I guess. I dunno if that's weird or—"
Noelle nodded against Susie's side.
"Oh, okay, yeah," Susie said suddenly, stumbling over her words. "So like. We had a big day, right? I, uh, I'm really sorry we didn't get to keep hanging out. Some, uh, stuff came up and…"
Noelle sighed in response, her shoulders beginning to relax.
"Kris and I had to take care of it. And…" Susie's voice grew firmer. "And, like. I-I've been thinking." Her voice cracked. "I want to tell you about it. I want to… tell you everything."
When the wind died down, Noelle's voice came out, barely above a whisper. "You can."
Thump! Thump! Thump! beat Susie's heart. (I can hear it again…)
"So. Yeah. Let me just…" Susie scratched her hair, body tensing as she struggled with her words. She always struggled with words, yet each word she spoke was always beautiful to Noelle. "I'm just gonna talk, alright? So. Kris and I… we had to go on adventure to save their dad. There were all these flowers, and they thought they were human and one guy, Flowery, he was like really into Asgore. And Ralsei hated him."
(Is that the boy Susie talked about…?)
But Noelle didn't want to speak. This curiosity sparked something, gently chipped the burning ice that had welded itself onto her soul. She wanted Susie to be authentically Susie no matter what. As Susie continued to speak, her hands became more animated, her body became less tense, and her wonderful heartbeat slowed into a gentle lullaby.
"A-and…" Susie's arms slowed as her words did. Something was caught in her throat. Something she wanted to say. "I, uh, I thought about you. A lot. During it. So much that I… struggled to even focus at times."
Thump! Thump! Thump!
Noelle's heart beat along with her. She didn't dare speak, but she moved ever so slightly deeper into Susie. She propped her chin out from her legs and rested it on her knees, finally revealing her face.
Susie's eyes widened, but she tried to go on, as if she was unbothered by Noelle's sudden appearance. "There were so many times that I…" Susie's voice croaked. "That I just wished you were there with me."
Something welled up in her throat. Noelle's heart was free, but so too was it free to hurt. She sniffled. Susie sucked in a breath, eyes looking right and left, as if hoping to find the answer somewhere else. Instead, she steadied her breathing and grasped Noelle's hand for the second time today.
"H-hey, it's, uh, it's okay. I'm, uh, I'm here." Susie squeezed Noelle's hand gently, completely enveloping it with her massive claws.
Susie's hands were so different than anything Noelle had ever felt before. Her scales were cool and soft, despite what her appearance might allude to otherwise. Patches of thinner scales marked her palms, nicks and cuts adding a rougher texture to their softness. Misshapen knuckles formed an uneven rocky ridge along the back of her hand, scales busted open and healed over with scars of the past.
Even the texture of her hands told a story.
"I talked with a lot of the flowers about you," Susie finally admitted. Noelle couldn't pretend to understand but it made her soul flutter and ache all the same. "Blue, he uh, he was probably the most helpful. He really helped me realize that I… …" Susie swallowed, swallowed the words away. "You know."
(I don't) Noelle thought to herself, the glimmer of a smile in her heart.
"A-and Green! They… They taught me how to…" Susie's eyes lit up, her hair mimicking the movement cutely. "Wait. I shouldn't say. That's supposed to be a surprise." Her hair slouched along with her as she decided against it.
(She's… … so wonderful.)
"But the point is, like, there was… like…" Susie tried to motion with her one free hand, still holding Noelle's tight. "At the end…! Flowery, he… I… and… Kris' dad…" Her words began to stutter and slur; her motions became erratic. Susie looked out into the town, wind whipping hair into her eyes. "Flowery… he got hurt."
Noelle's stomach dropped. She held tight onto Susie but tried to steady her breathing.
Susie misinterpreted the squeeze as a show of emotional support. She went on, despite the difficulty. "I really think he'll be okay. I really think so. I'm gonna try everything I can to make sure he'll be okay. So… I won't be sad." Her voice lowered. "Not yet at least. Not yet."
She tried so hard to be brave, but who was she trying to convince?
"I can't be sad." Susie turned to face Noelle, wearing the most genuine smile she had ever seen. "Not while I have you, Noelle."
And it was too much.
Noelle fell into Susie's arms, full-bodied sobs wrecking her body. She clutched Susie's jacket, trying to stuff herself into her torso, trying to hide her entire sense of self in Susie. She cried and she cried, even when she thought she couldn't cry anymore.
Susie, stunned, still took her as carefully as she could. Those strong arms that had held her just hours ago, now wrapped themselves around Noelle's back, hugging tightly, shielding her from the wind. She pressed her chin atop the crown of Noelle's head, every part of her body, legs included, trying to hold her closer.
"H-hey, I'm sorry. Did I say something stupid? I didn't mean to." Susie's genuine concern was enough to shatter Noelle further, but she held on. She held on to Susie tight. The winds wouldn't carry her away.
"You didn't," Noelle finally said with a sniffle. "You didn't at all, Susie." She stuffed her snout deep into Susie's coat, against her soft belly, smelling of lavender and roses and honeysuckle. She took a deep inhale, taking every bit of Susie's scent along with every flower that had become a part of her.
Susie didn't flinch away, didn't stutter and growl at the touch. Not anymore. They were finally closer. They were finally honest. She simply took Noelle for everything she was, even if it wasn't much of anything in the moment. "Hey. Do you… do you want to tell me what happened yet?"
Noelle shook her head silently into Susie. It hurt. It hurt just to even think the words. She squeezed Susie tighter. Tighter still. She didn't want to leave anymore, didn't want to be taken away anymore. Even if it hurt.
"I… I have a feeling I know," Susie said with some horrid realization. "Is it your…"
Noelle nodded, hugging tighter. Tighter. Please. Susie's heartbeat quickened, pounding in Noelle's ear. It was all she wanted to hear; all she wanted to think about.
Susie's body went rigid, breath stolen from her maw. "No, he… he isn't… is… he?"
"He's not," Noelle said suddenly. "He's not…" She choked on the next word. It came out as a pathetic whine, like a little girl. "Yet…"
"Shit," Susie cursed. "Fuck," she muttered, realization blowing through her slowly. "Noelle, I'm so sorry, I had no idea, I just thought your mom called you to—"
"It's not your fault," Noelle said into Susie's heart. "It isn't mine. It isn't yours." (Why didn't Kris tell you…?)
Something vibrated against Noelle's hair, against her forehead. Susie growled, fangs ablaze, throat a storm in the making. "This shit ain't fair," she hissed, almost more to herself than to anyone. "It's just not fair." Her muscles tightened. She held Noelle tighter, tighter still, a fire burning bright in her heart. Her maw trembled, her growls only becoming deeper and more guttural.
"I know," Noelle whispered, her tears quelled in Susie's heat.
"Why does all this awful shit keep happening?" Susie growled, claws trembling. "I said I wouldn't let it happen…! I said I won't let it happen…! But everything keeps… getting worse. At this rate, it'll still…"
"Susie…?" Noelle said with a frightened sniffle.
Without warning, Susie stood up, carrying Noelle with her. She held Noelle just like she had at the lake, but this time even tighter, even firmer. Obsidian hair hid her eyes in darkness, hid her expression away from the world. But Noelle could hear it. Noelle could feel it.
The fear pounding in Susie's heart.
"Come on," Susie growled, voice low. The upcoming storm blew the hair out of her eyes, and it revealed everything.
Her fangs were splayed in an enormous smile that could beat back the dark. Yet her eyes dripped crystalline amber down her cheeks.
"Let's get away from here."
Silver poured over the lake as a full moon watched over them. Noelle held no more shame, only Susie's shoulders, only her warm jacket, only her heart. The trees breathed hushed whispers as the wind continued to blow, blow, evermore into the north, towards the glowing light of the moon. It hung in the sky so near, so close, reflecting its pallid glow across the water's surface, stretched and warped.
But out here there weren't any Holiday lights. Out here, it was just the lake. Out here, it was just memories of Susie, of their time in the sunset, of their moment they were in now.
Susie sat down at the water's edge, light waves heaving and flowing against it. The wind continued to howl, continued to roar, but the two girls did not flinch before it. Spritzed with a light spray of cold lake water, Susie continued to hold Noelle tight, her violet scales shimmering like watercolor.
Thump thump thump went their hearts.
It still hurt. Noelle suspected it would continue to hurt for the rest of her life. But Susie made it bearable.
They stayed in the cold like this for much too long, Noelle still stuffed snugly in Susie's lap. There was so much to say. So many feelings, so many sensations, so much that it pressed and pressed until it all became a tiny speck, until it became too much, until it became nothing. They did not speak for a time, merely basking in the moon's frigid glare, shivering and huddled together in a place that once held so much warmth.
Until Susie said:
"Hey." Her voice cut through the chill, stomped down the slithering gale, forced it into silence.
"Hm?" Noelle managed to reply, shocked that she could even muster that.
"There was something else I wanted to tell you," Susie said, hair blowing to the north, trapped in the moon's pull. "Earlier today. At the lake."
Noelle's fingers brushed against the fabric of her jacket, fiddling with its coarse texture between her fingertips. She said, "I remember. What was it?"
Susie held her gaze forward, staring down the moon's eye, staring down the lake. It reflected a warped Hometown in its boiling depths, a watery death, a hopeless dark. It reflected them. "You said earlier today that you wanted to leave. But then you said you wanted to stay because of me." A howl, a tempest, a loss of wind, of hearing. When it was over, Susie asked, "Do you still feel that way now?"
…
She heard her dad's quiet breathing, barely perceptible over the draft, but she heard it still. She would hear his tiny breaths, his weak gasps, his desperate coughs for too long.
…
Noelle hid her face in shame.
"… You don't have to know the answer now." Susie's fingers flexed, her claws gently piercing into Noelle's fur, but never enough to hurt. "Mine hasn't changed, though."
"Susie…?"
She took Noelle's hand then. She etched a promise on Noelle's heart. Susie said, "As long as you're with me… I don't want to leave."
Noelle clutched Susie's hand, her weak fingers squeezing uselessly against Susie's. She couldn't respond, for her heart glowed too brightly in her chest. "Noelle." Susie brushed her fingers over Noelle's furry knuckles, reminding her of how tiny she truly was.
"Wherever you go… I want to be there with you."