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The urge first pops up when he, Moe, and Regect were out, driving in the car to a place known for their views.
He barely gets the urge to do it these days, he’s been doing perfectly fine. Sure, the hole incident was… A mess but the urges never popped up. So why do they appear now..?
He’s sitting in the passenger seat, listening to Moe and Regect talk. They probably think he’s been oddly quiet. Unfortunately.
The urge is making itself known. To just drag something sharp across his skin. To watch the blood flow out. To get rid of the hurt he’s taken, to feel worthy enough of pain. Like he’s done before.
But… urgh.
He wants to do it so bad, but he’s been trying so hard to recover from it. It's been months and he would absolutely hate to break his streak right now.
To get rid of the worthlessness. To get rid of the hole. And absolutely get rid of the eyes plaguing his nightmares.
“Ze!" Regect yells, hand on Ze’s shoulder. "You… Looked weird.”
Ze just realizes his eyes are closed shut, his eyebrows are knitted.
“I… I'm fine." He insists and brushes off Regect’s hand, leaving a spot of warmth. “It’s nothing.”
Regect looks stunned. “If you say so, but remember we’re here for you, okay?" His tone is strangely comforting…
Moe chimes in with her honks, cheerful as she always is.
All Ze does is nod and look out the window, the sun still bright.
Regect’s been weird lately. He usually doesn't really care for Ze. Why does he care. He’s supposed to hate Ze. Not caring for him.
This is all Ze’s fault.
If he didn't go down the hole searching for the two, Regect wouldn't be forced to care for him. Moe’s been doing it from the start. But Regect?
That’s a scenario unheard of.
And all Ze can do is blame himself for everything.
They shouldn't have to avoid random holes all their life because of Ze. They shouldn't have to move because of Ze.
He should be tougher. Heck! He went to boot camp to get stronger. He shouldn't be… weak.
The car stops.
“We’re here!!!” Regect rushes out of the car.
Moe turns off the car and goes to follow Regect.
Ze eventually gets out of the car after a few long seconds. The sun is already setting. How long has it already been?
“Isn't it nice?” Regect pats Ze’s shoulder, waiting for a reply.
“It sure is…" Ze sarcastically says, which Regect ignores.
Moe honks some words, “It’s wonderful!” He thinks.
They're on a cliff, the edge not that far away from where they're standing. And after the end of the cliff, the ocean appears. The sun falling into the ocean, the sky becoming darker and darker.
He’s not really a guy that travels for the sights, but he would be lying if it isn’t kinda nice.
They stay there for a few minutes, and non-verbally decide to go back to the car and travel back home. Travel to their… New home.
They traveled for hours on the road, just for a ten minute sight.
Why?
This was all Regect’s idea.
Is it because of Ze they traveled so far..?
Ze quickly shakes that idea off and feels the car start up to go back to their new house.
The ride home is awkwardly quiet. Despite Regect’s loud, annoying ass snores. He’s long gone and into the dream world.
Moe’s driving, neither him or Regect is qualified enough to actually drive the car. And she’s excellent at keeping the ride fun and not bumpy at all.
He looks out the window, fingers instinctually tracing over the oversized white sleeves of his sweater where scars should be. Scars that would stick around for life. Scars that he would hate all of his life. .
The urge is still there, lingering in the back of his mind. He tries to fight it by himself. He doesn't want to go to the others for comfort. And never will.
The hole incident was just a one time thing.
They changed after Ze came out the hole, when they came home. Their home was wrecked. They were tired. Even he was tired.
And it was all his fault. It's his fault they had to find somewhere else to live. It's his fault they were tired. It's his fault he was tired. And it's his fault that he keeps blaming himself for everything.
Because everything’s his fault.
And he can't help the urge from growing stronger. The need to feel pain grow stronger. The need to let go of the pain through feeling pain.
And he hates himself for it.
Because it's the only thing he's good at.
He tries to distract himself by watching the sky. Watching countless trees and dead bushes pass by. Watching the sun finally disappear. And watching the sky turn black, filled with stars a million miles away.
It kind of works. It just travels to the back of his mind, lingering. Lingering and definitely still there but less noticeable.
He glances over at Moe, watching her struggle to not fall asleep. He glances at Regect in the back, watching him sleep, snores running out of his mouth.
It kind of brightens him up.
He stops tracing over old scars from the white sleeve. He keeps his eyes on the other.
He’s kinda weird for this, isn't he?
He swears Moe was watching him watch Regect, her eyes filled with amusement.
“You didn't see anything.”
Moe let's out a squeaky honk.
Ze looks away from Regect and back to the window. Knowing that Moe was 100% going to laugh, but couldn't because of the sleeping entity in the back.
Soon, the car arrives at the house. The sky dark, the moon bright.
Regect immediately wakes up when the car stops and yawns. “We’re finally home. I should've just teleported us there.” Regect gets out of the car.
Moe argues with a couple of honks and leaves the car with Regect.
It takes a few seconds for Ze to get out and dash to his room, the others talking about what to eat for dinner.
He closes the door behind him. His room is dark. There's barely any windows and only one light source that burns his eyes too much.
He’s not that hungry. And besides, he really needs some good sleep right now. Moe and Regect would totally understand.
He lays down on the bed, eyes closed.
He can't sleep.
The silence is too great, his thoughts come rushing in.
The urge to cut is back and stronger than before.
He’s worthless. There's nothing good about him. All he does is hate, hate, and hate. And now Regect cares. Regect never cared before. And it's all because he fell down that stupid hole.
He’s worth nothing.
Before he knew it, his feet were moving to a certain chest in his room filled with his guns and also his… Blades.
He used anything he could get his hands on back then. Knives, box cutters, pencil sharpeners, scissors, razors, and a ton more that he can't name on the top of his head.
And they’re all in here. In this little chest. No one bothers to question because nobody really cares.
He slowly decides on the box cutter that’s been around ever since he started…
Bits of old blood still stick to the tip of the blade. The handle is blue.
He moves to the edge of the bed, the bedframe supporting his back.
It's dark, he doesn't have light. He doesn't have sound.
He’s going to have to man up and listen to the blade against his skin.
He rolls up the sleeve of his left arm and holds the blade with his right. Countless scars are still on his arm. Countless times he has come to this method to relieve pain.
Just do it.
He strongly presses the edge of the blade against his skin. He takes a deep breath in.
Just do it.
And he drags the blade in a straight line across his arm. He can't see it but blood is definitely coming out of the new cut. And he lets the deep breath out.
He deserves this.
He finds another spot to cut and presses the edge of the blade against his skin, ready to cut until—
“Hey! Moe's asking what you want for di—” That’s Regect's voice. The door is open. The light is seeping in.
He can clearly see the cut now, and can see the blood seeping out. And he definitely can see the tip of the blade against his skin.
He quickly hides both his arm and the box cutter behind his back.
He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Regect stood still at the door, watching. It filled Ze with guilt.
Regect finally started to move closer to Ze, closing the door behind him, filling the room with darkness.
He sat in front of Ze and held out a hand, “Give me your fucking arm, Ze.” He sounded mad yet worried and scared at the same time.
Ze’s arm was trembling with fear and the sting of the new cut. He slowly placed his arm in Regect’s hand, face facing the floor in fear and guilt. He didn’t try to defend himself, there was no way he could now after Regect saw him about to cut.
Regect examined the cut and the blood falling out, his arm turned slowly to see how far it went. The air was tense and quiet, until Regect spoke up, “Why..?” Regect’s voice didn’t have that mad tone anymore, it was… sad. Something he has never heard before from Regect.
Ze didn’t speak, he didn’t want to speak. Didn’t want to be more vulnerable than he already is.
“Ze. You better answer my fucking question right now.”
Silence.
“Is this why you’ve been so quiet recently?” Regect pauses. “Also, hand over that blade.”
Ze sighs and drops the box cutter right next to Regect.
He feels a tear fall and for some reason all he can do is hate himself for this. There’s only so much blaming you can do on one person before you realize it's all your fault. And it is his fault. He should be more of a man that can actually take care of themselves and don’t let their feelings get in the way of that.
He feels a finger on his face wipe the tear away and immediately back away. “Answer the question, Ze.” Regect’s voice sounded like it was on the verge of breaking.
“I-I just… I’m fine" Ze mumbles, the words are unbelievably see-through.
“‘Fine’? Fine?! Ze do you really think that feeling fine leads to this. You're worse than fine. Stop making excuses, Ze!” He exhales a long breath. “Tell me the real reason.”
“That is the real fucking reason you piece of shit.” Ze takes back his arm. "I should've known that this is a stupid fucking act…”
He didn't tell Regect to go away though. He would be lying when he said that he wanted Regect to go away. His presence is… Comforting.
“Do you really think I would fucking lie about me caring about you?! Do you really think you're not worthy of anything?! Cause I’m definitely getting that from whatever this is.” He gestures to him and Ze.
“You won't get it… Nobody does.” Ze’s visibly trembling. The blood is dripping down from the open cut.
“I promise you I will, but first I need to take care of that nasty scar. So you better keep your ass right there.” Regect ordered, whilst making sure his tone wasn't too demanding.
Regect left the room and Ze was left to his thoughts. Again.
Will Regect stop talking to him? It sounds like a dream come true but… something in him doesn't want it to happen. Moe and Regect makes up most of his friends. He can't lose one of them.
When Ze looked up, he saw Regect standing in front of him, observing him. The entity had a first aid kit in his hand. Something unreadable in his posture and eyes.
Regect sat down again, reaching for Ze’s arm. Ze didn't pull back. He stayed still like ice.
“Are you going to spill the beans or am I going to have to force it out of you?" Regect asked.
Ze was silent for a bit, before he decided to speak. “I’m perfectly fine.” Ze lied again, his own words didn't even convince himself.
Regect had somehow got a wet, clean towel and pressed it against the cut. Watching it soak the blood and slowly stop the bleeding.
“Ze.” Regect pronounced Ze’s name, something that made him want to reveal the truth. Wanting to be vulnerable.
He shut his eyes. “Fine. I feel like shit. Is that what you fucking want?” Ze annoyingly said, though his words showed every single bit of his emotions.
Regect gave Ze his deadliest glare, looking at his closed eyes, pressing a bit harder on the open wound.
Ze felt the glare, he wanted to open up. He felt the pressure on the cut become stronger, he winced at the pain.
But he can't be this vulnerable. He was taught otherwise.
“... I really don't want to force it out of you, Ze.” Regect softly spoke despite his dangerous tone.
Ze stayed silent. Regect sighed.
“C’mon. The instructions online say I have to rinse this.” Regect let go of Ze’s arm, waiting for the other to stand up.
Ze didn't.
“Are you really doing this?” No response. "Sigh. Fine.”
Regect picked up Ze, one arm holding his back up and the other holding his legs up. He carried the man to the bathroom and sat him down on the sink.
“You can't keep running away from your problems, Ze. It’ll get worse. I know it’ll get worse. You need to open up to us, okay? You can just open up to me. I won't tell Moe, I swear.”
Regect took the arm with the cut, turned on cold water, and rinsed the wound in it. Ze winced at the cold water.
“Fine. Since you really want to know then.” Ze took a deep breath in, not so ready to lose Regect if his words make the other leave. “I feel worthless, I feel like everything's my fault and I can't do shit! Why else would you be caring about me if I didn't do this in the first place?!”
Regect instinctively tightened his grip on the arm. “I care because you're important, Ze… I don't want to lose you too.” He mumbles the last part. His eyes became a bit more readable.
“What?"
“I don't want to lose you too! I can’t go through more grief because of this! You're a good friend, even though we argue everyday, you're fun to be around, like Moe.” Regect took a deep breath in. “So stop saying you're worthless! You're important to both me and Moe.
“So… Stop running away. We care. And always will. So stop hiding your feelings behind a wall!” A yellow tear fell down Regect’s face. His unoccupied hand went to wipe it.
Ze also felt his eyes becoming wet with tears, not a single one falling yet. Regect turned off the water and grabbed the bandages from the first aid kit.
Regect wrapped the bandages around the cut, making a cute bow at the end of it.
“So… Try to stop for us. And if you ever think about trying this again, tell us. We’ll help you, okay?"
Regect looked into Ze’s now open eyes, wet with tears.
Regect hugged Ze, his arms wrapping around the player’s body in a tight embrace. Scared the other would leave. Warmth emanated from both of their bodies which neither of them wanted to confront right now.
Ze didn't stop Regect even though it felt way too weird. It's one of the only hugs he ever got. He would probably stay here forever.
It was filled with every unsaid feeling from Ze. He has never felt more vulnerable in his life, yet it's comforting. It's comforting to let everything go for once and finally be taken care of.
Regect eventually broke the hug, his yellow tears had stopped falling.
“What did you want for dinner? You never answered.” Regect asked, his tone more casual now, a hint of worry in his voice.
“You know what I want.” Ze answered, jumping off the sink once Regect moved farther away. He was already starting to miss the other’s presence.
Regect nodded. “I’m serious, Ze. Next time you get urges to do this again, open up to us, okay?” He mentioned it again.
Ze gave a silent yes. He didn't want to say yes or else he’ll break.
Regect gave a slight smile and left the bathroom. Left Ze’s room.
Ze looked at the new bandages on his arm, they were tight and secure, handled with care.
He covered the bandages with the sleeve of his sweater and left the bathroom, ready to eat his favorite meal. A small smile on his face at the reassurance.
Even though he knows that the reassurance will soon be worthless.