Work Text:
You know I wanna beat it, I wanna beat it bad
Oh, everyone looks happy in a photograph
-
There always came a certain guilt with it, when Darry would think back on all that he had lost. That cruel night had ripped more than just his parents away into the dark, with them, his future, the life he had dreamt about for himself, had died too. He had plans, plans bigger than he could have wrapped his head around. College. A way out of Tulsa. A chance to finally make something out of his life, to be more than a boy from the wrong side of the tracks. He would become more than the grease in his hair and the bruises he carried around his heart. He wanted to make his parents proud, wanted to show his brothers they could do anything with their lives, wanted to make the Curtis name into something to be proud of and not wear like a burden that had been thrusted upon their shoulders since birth. Before their first breath of life, the world already knew what they would be, him and his brothers. Boys who stood no chance, who were destined to fail, doomed to be nothing more than a Greaser with no shot in this world.
But Darry had always been determined, had always wanted more than what this life had decided he would be. So he busted his ass in school, made sure he got the perfect grades, pushed himself beyond his limits when it came to football, doted on his younger brothers so they never experienced anything but pure love in a world that was often so cruel to them. Did everything in his power to be the perfect son, to lift some of the stress from his parents shoulders, balancing a roofing job in between football games and nights spent squished on the couch with his brothers. Yes, life was hard but Darry still loved it. Knew that he was working towards something, that his future was going to be bright because of all the hard work he had put in. That once he got the chance to get out, his brothers would see that it was possible, and that was what mattered most to him. Sodapop and Ponyboy seeing that they too could do it if they put their minds to it, they could be something great in life.
Except that it all came crashing down in the blink of an eye.
All it took was that knock on the door all those months ago. Two officers, their hats held in their hands, heads bowed, as they broke the news to him and his brothers. There had been a car accident and their parents, the ones who loved so deeply, who filled their home with laughter and music and warmth had been taken from the world much too soon. Darry felt himself crumbling, nothing felt real as he had stood there on their front porch, barely taking in what was being said to him. That was until the officers mentioned that someone would be along to collect Pony and Soda, that they were minors, they couldn’t stay here without a guardian. And whatever heartbreak, whatever defeat he had felt in that moment seemed to disappear into the night air with the souls of their parents. He would be damned to hell if he let those boys, his boys, be taken from him.
So Darry did what he had done best. He plastered on a reassuring smile for his brothers, telling them they wouldn’t be going anywhere, they would be staying right here with him. And he had kept true to his promise, had kept the three of them together, even if it meant letting go of everything he had been working his entire life towards. His chance of getting out of Tulsa grazing past his finger tips, lifted up by a wind that carried those dreams out towards a sunset he would never be able to reach.
I crossed the county line, I cannot go back
I’m always on my own
-
He didn’t regret it, keeping his brothers- the three of them were all they had left in this world. Getting guardianship of them was the most important thing to him and the fear of losing them, the threat of boys’ homes, and them being taken away from him, always hung around his shoulders like a weight that couldn’t be lifted. So Darry threw himself into work and when the roofing job wasn’t enough, he picked up another night time job. Working himself to the bone, pulling long hours, leaving early in the morning and returning home after Soda and Pony were already in bed. It was draining, it left him with nothing most days, feeling like he was running on fumes, like he didn’t even know who his brothers were anymore. A ghost in his own house, haunting the empty space where there should have been laughter, should have been brothers wrestling on the ground, and filling the void that had been left in their parents' wake.
It didn’t matter how he felt though. All that mattered was keeping a roof above their heads, warm food on the table, clothes on the backs of his boys, making sure the bills were paid, and that the three of them remained together. Even if he was feeling more and more apart from them these days. Telling himself that the ache of Soda giving up his own childhood, just sixteen, to get a job and help out with bills would go away. That pang of hurt that clenched right under his ribs and near his heart when Ponyboy called out for Soda in the middle of the night after a nightmare would ebb with time. That as long as Pony and Soda had each other, they were okay. He was okay without being a part of their lives.
But Darry had never been a good liar.
He couldn’t rely on anyone, couldn’t call out when he felt like he was barely keeping his head above water. All he could do was cling to whatever the hell this life was with fingers that threaten to slip and cause him to lose his grip. That one wrong move would send him spiraling, would rip away everything he had been working so damn hard to keep the last few months. That if he messed up, Soda and Pony would be taken from one another, and he didn’t think he could live with himself if that happened. They might not need him, might not miss his presence around their home but he knew those boys would drown without one another.
So he stayed silent. Plastered on a smile on the rare days he was home with them. Reassuring them that yes, he was fine. Yes, there was nothing to worry about. Distracting himself with endless household chores, finding anything that he could to keep himself and his hands busy, refusing to give himself, his mind a moment to rest, to think. Because once he did, Darry knew there was no way he wouldn’t crumble.
Couldn’t make it home ‘cause of all that rain
Oh, run of bad luck in a nowhere state
-
He wasn't sure how or when he had allowed it to happen. It had been one of those late nights where he was perched at the kitchen table. The overhead light casting a soft yellow glow around the kitchen, shadows dancing across his paper and the bills he had been mulling over. Waiting until Pony and Soda were tucked safely in their bed, not wanting them to see him stressing over this week's bills. Trying to figure out how they were going to afford groceries and the new shoes that Soda so desperately needed. Letting his head drop into his hands, his fingers scratching along his scalp, doing his best to keep himself grounded. His mind threatened to wander back to four months ago when he had given up everything he had dreamt of. The mere thought of it made his stomach churn. How could he mourn the loss of his future when the most important things were under this roof? Football. Getting out of Tulsa- it all paled in comparison to getting to keep Soda and Pony. He would give his life up a thousand times over if it meant he’d be right here. Stressed but knowing they were safe. That even though he didn’t have time to show it to them, that he loved them so deeply, would do anything in this world for them.
His life would be nothing without them. Even if he only saw them in passing these days, they were what kept him going on the days he wanted to lay in bed and never get up again. When the strain on his shoulders pulsated and made each step almost too impossible, it was keeping them safe and alive that pushed Darry forward. That drove him to grind himself into the ground, to give up his own wants and needs to make sure they had their. But sometimes, the hurt would sneak up on him like it did now. The grief, the sorrow, the loneliness, the loss of what he could have been besides a twenty year old raising two boys. How there had been so much laid out in front of him, he could have had it all, could have chased dreams that were impossible for boys from this side of town. But this was all he had now.
The feeling of something wet against his own cheek was odd at first. So used to using the pads of his calloused fingers to brushed tears away from his little brother’s cheeks, the feeling of them on his own skin foreign. But once they started, Darry was unable to stop them. They seemed to flow like a steady river, rippling past his sun kissed freckles, making currents over the ridges of his skin as they dripped down. Brushing through the stubble he had yet to shave from another hard day of work, of long hours that had tugged him down yet again. His hands, sturdy and strong, already aged from hours spent too long in the sun, fell onto the table, slightly trembling as he sat there, not trying to stop himself from crying. Maybe he needed this. To finally let himself feel something. To let himself mourn the loss of their parents, the loss of a life he had wanted so badly. The loss of his dreams that he had strived for, of the man he had once wanted to be.
There was no telling how long he sat there for. How long he let his mind slow down for a moment, let the world around him wash away to nothing but a blur. And just let himself be consumed with everything he felt, the months of being strong finally swept into the silence of the night, the ache of something else dancing with him in the dark. It wasn’t until he felt two sets of arms wrap around him that Darry realized he wasn’t alone any longer. Warmth pressed in against him on either side, a hand in his hair brushing through it like their mother had always done when one of them had been upset or sick. Another resting on his back between his shoulder blades, small but firm. Murmured voices of his brothers, reassuring him, holding him tightly as he finally, finally let himself fall to pieces. For the first time in a long time, despite the ache and hollowness rooted in his chest, Darry felt safe. Life would happen, it always would. There would be good, there would be bad. There would be things he’d have to give up again, not that he minded, there’d be sacrifices he’d need to make, and Darry knew he would do them without a second thought. As long as it meant this is what he got to keep in his life. Brothers, who he had been neglecting in hopes of keeping them afloat, seeing him when he needed them the most. Even when he didn’t know he needed it. Brothers who still loved him despite the fact he yelled and nagged and worked too much. Brothers that wrapped him up in their arms and let him break down, who kept the broken pieces of him held together even if they didn’t know it.
He might have missed out on his football dreams and his chance to get out of town but this right here was what he needed the most. Being wrapped up in a love so warm, so pure, made the ache more bearable. Being a football star would have carried him into the light but Pony and Soda, they would carry him through the darkest nights, and on the other side, the three of them would get the chance to shine bright together. That as long as he had them, Darry knew he would truly be okay. That while life might look differently, this life was the one worth holding onto and living for.