Chapter Text
Buck knew that he messed up with the lawsuit. It wasn’t the first mistake he made and it sure as hell wouldn’t be the last one. It also wasn’t even the first time he lost a group of people he had thought were family. Although he really hoped it would be the last time. Buck wasn’t sure how many more times he could have his family leave him before he broke.
Even if it was his fault. It always was his fault, wasn’t it?
Buck swung his legs around so that he was sitting on the edge of his bed with a sigh. He dropped his head to his hands and tried to rub the pure exhaustion off his face and out of his mind. The familiar fuzziness from a bad night’s sleep leached into the corners of his brain.
It had been a while since Buck had woken up excited to go to work. And it had been even longer since he’d woken up without a slight pain in his leg. He was used to it by now. He couldn’t complain.
He got his job back. He could walk. He wasn’t in copious amounts of medical debt. He was alive.
What more could he ask for?
Maybe a family that he couldn’t run off?
Buck ran his hands through his hair and tugged roughly on the ends to clear his thoughts. Or at least in an attempt to. It had been a while since he had the motivation to do his normal hair routine of brushing it all out and slathering it all in product so his curls that he tried so desperately to hide were in full force. Not that anyone would notice.
The only person who would care would’ve been his mother. She never liked his curls. After years of being told they looked unprofessional and sloppy Buck had grown accustomed to hiding them.
Just another part of him he wouldn’t let anyone see.
He gave himself five more minutes before he forced himself to start getting ready for the day. For some reason it felt like it was going to be an extra-long one.
**********
“Here’s your list for the day Buckley. I expect them to all be done before dinner time.” Buck nodded and took the paper list of chores from his captain’s hand without meeting his eyes.
“Yes sir.” He replied, voice slightly louder than a mumble. Bobby turned away from him and walked up the stairs to the loft of the station.
Buck tracked him as he disappeared into the loft without the slightest glance back. There was the familiar but distant sound of laughing and chatter emitting from the area Buck had once felt completely safe and welcome in. Not anymore.
Not since he fucked up.
Bobby was nothing but the perfect image of professionalism as if they had never had a relationship. Unfortunately, it reminded Buck a little bit too much of his dad.
Hen was never outright rude. She had done her best to welcome him back, but at the end of the day there was a choice between her closest friends and Buck. Buck didn’t blame her for the choice she made.
Chim was in the same boat as Hen. He had his own things to worry about and although he wasn’t hostile to Buck, he wasn’t chomping at the bit to include him either. Again, Buck couldn’t find it in him to be angry at the man. He had his own life to worry about.
Buck wasn’t sure what Athena and Karen had been told, but neither had made attempts to reach out to him.
And then there was Eddie. Buck didn’t even know where to start with Eddie. Whatever relationship they had once was completely broken. That much was clear by the so called “Grocery Store Incident.” Eddie was the closest friend Buck had ever had. And it was all his fault that the relationship was gone.
Exhausting.
The word echoed in his head on repeat. It was true though. He was exhausting. If only he had realized it sooner maybe he could have stopped all this from happening.
In fear of the moisture gathering itself on his waterline, Buck tore his eyes away to look at the list of chores he would have to complete for the day. It looked the same as it did the day before. And the day before that. And the day before that. It had been a long couple weeks of recounting supplies and mopping floors for the firefighter. There hadn’t been a single shift where he wasn’t man behind. Buck wasn’t sure how much longer he could do this.
There was no spark behind cleaning toilets and mirrors day after day. It felt nothing like the job he had tried so hard to get back and it was making him a shell of what he once was.
Something needed to change.
**********
It probably wasn’t a super smart decision when Buck decided to head to a bar he used to frequent as soon as his shift ended. Buck wasn’t entirely sure why he did it. All of the 118 was given forty-eight hours off after their last shift and he was desperate for company, but he wasn’t looking for a mindless hook up. He was desperate to clear his mind, but he couldn’t afford to get sloppy drunk while still on his blood thinners.
But he needed a distraction so here he was.
“You’ve been staring at the label on the bottle for over thirty minutes now, everything okay?” Buck lifted his head up from where he had spaced out to the voice speaking in front of him. “I’m not trying to pry or anything, just making sure everything’s okay.”
The bartender reminded Buck of the ones you see in movies. She was polishing a glass and had a kind smile that invited you to spill all your secrets.
Buck tried to give her a reassuring smile, but he was sure that it fell flat. “Just trying to figure some things out” He shrugged. “No need to worry about me.”
The bartender opened her mouth to reply but before she could a man came running up to her looking quite flustered. “Sophie, the music act bailed on us. There’s a bunch of people over there expecting to hear live music in five minutes and we have nothing to give them.”
The bartender, Sophie apparently, set her glass down on the counter with a loud clang. “What the hell.” She stated more than questioned. “What do we do now?”
Buck shifted in his seat awkwardly. He felt like he was intruding. Maybe it would be best for him to call it a night and head back to the loft.
The man turned to Buck. The frazzled look still present on his face. “What’s the chance you know how to play guitar and can sing?”
Buck opened his mouth to immediately deny that he could do either out of habit, but he paused. It had been years since he had truly sat down and played, but the times that he had were some of the best memories that he had. Besides all of his memories with the 118 of course, but those were stained now.
His guitar was one of the first things he had bought with his money. It had travelled with him everywhere that he went until now it was shoved in the back of his closet at the loft. Untouched for years and probably wildly out of tune.
It was something that he never told any of the 118 about. Not even Maddie knew about it as she had left home before he bought it. Whenever the team had gone to karaoke bars Buck always made sure to sing horribly. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed by it, but it was his thing. Something just for him that he didn’t want anyone else to have.
But maybe this could be the distraction he was looking for. Maybe this could offer him the escape he had so desperately been looking for. If not, it would give him something better to do than stare at the beer bottle in his hand any longer.
Buck smiled at the man. “Give me a guitar and a stool and I’ll try my best.”
The man gave him the brightest smile Buck had ever seen. “Perfect, my name’s Mikey.” He said as he reached out his hand for Buck to take it.
Buck shook his hand and replied, “Call me Buck.” The man raised an eyebrow in question.
“Long story.” Buck said with a tight smile. It really wasn’t but Buck was starting to get nervous. He really had just agreed to perform in front of a bunch of people. At least if worst came to worst he could just never come back to this bar. There were enough bars in LA, he could find somewhere else to contemplate his life and poor decision-making skills. And even if he wildly embarrassed himself, the chance that people he knew were in the bar right now was extremely low.
Mikey seemed as anxious as Buck and didn’t care to push. “Let’s get you up on stage then, Buck.” He motioned for Buck to follow him as he started to walk towards what Buck assumed was the stage. “There’s already a mic, a guitar, and a stool up there. You can play whatever you want or ask for recommendations. Try to keep the crowd happy and not cause a riot and you’ll be just fine.”
It was Buck’s turn to send a questioning look. “Many riots happen here?” He joked in an attempt to quell the nerves that were blossoming under his skin.
“You’d be surprised.” Mikey shot back with a sly smile.
Before Buck could examine glint in the man’s eye, he was being shoved up on the stairs to the stage. “Go get ‘em Buck.”
This is such a bad idea. This is such a bad idea. This is such a bad idea. This is such a ba—
Buck’s thoughts were cut off by the sound of applause and ac couple of whistles from the crowd that had gathered in front of the stage. His mind bluescreened.
It wasn’t like there were hundreds of people or anything, but the thirty-some people cheering for him were more than he had performed for since his time travelling across the country. It had been a great way to make money.
Buck cleared his throat and he sat down on the stool and adjusted the microphone so he could speak into it. There was instant relief when all his weight was taken off his leg. Even if he was used to the dull ache by now, it was nice to not be standing.
“Hey everyone, how are we doing tonight?” No matter how nervous he was, it wasn’t hard to slip into a performance persona. He reached down to grab the guitar that was leaning against the stool as the crowd shouted back various positive responses.
He laughed a little as he started to fiddle with the guitar. A slow warmth filling his chest.
Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.
**********
It was about two hours later that Buck walked down the stage stairs where Mikey and Sophie were waiting for him. “Oh my god that was amazing!” Mikey borderline squealed as he smacked Buck on the shoulder. “Why didn’t you come here a couple of weeks ago.”
Buck laughed and rubbed the back of his neck.
Honestly, it was one of the best nights he had had in a long time. He forgot how fun and meaningful music could be. He started by playing songs he could remember and then switched to requests. He only had to look up chords or lyrics for a couple of songs, and he was happy with the way he played and sang. It was by no means the best performance of his life, but it was something he was proud of.
Even more, Buck was happy. He felt light and cheerful in a way that he hadn’t at the 118 for a long time.
“I had great time, thanks for letting me do that.” Buck responded with a grin.
“With a voice like that, you’re welcome back any time.” Sophie responded.
Buck would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t going to take that offer.
**********
In the weeks after his first performance Buck kept preforming and became a bit closer to Sophie and Mikey. He started to perform on either Friday or Saturday nights, whichever one he wasn’t working on.
He learned that Mikey was the owner of the bar and Sophie was the manager. They had worked together for years, and Buck wasn’t one to pry, but it definitely seemed like there was something more to that relationship. With Buck’s history of relationships, both platonic and romantic, he was hesitant to say that they were his friends, but as the days went on it seemed that they were well on their way to becoming close friends.
He had told them all about his job and all the issues he had with it. All the issues he was having with the people he had once called family. It felt good to have people to confine in once again. People he could simply talk to without fear of saying the wrong thing and pissing someone off.
Things were nowhere close to better at the 118. In fact, things were getting worse if anything.
Everyday he walked in and got his list of chores. Everyday he was man behind and everyday no one talked to him unless they absolutely had to. Not even Maddie was contacting him. She had tried her best in the beginning of all of it, but after weeks of Buck not knowing how to respond without being exhausting, she gave up. He couldn’t blame her.
“I just don’t know what to do, it feels so hopeless.” Buck had taken to coming to the bar on most of his days off. It was better than wallowing around in the loft waiting desperately for a phone call or text message from someone might never reach out to him again.
“I’m sorry Buck, is there anything we can do to help?” Sophie asked with the same kind smile and empathetic eyes that had greeted Buck weeks ago.
“Keep letting me preform?” He joked, at this point he knew that he was basically the bar’s permanent performer. It was good for business as more people had started to come on days that Buck was announced to play. It was absolutely wild to him that people were willing and wanting to come listen to him.
Even if he was still performing only covers. He had a couple of original songs he wrote a long time ago, but he was to scared to play them. They weren’t really the type of music that you whipped out to make a crowd happy. They were more the “it’s two in the morning and I’m sobbing in my room laying on the ground contemplating my whole life” type of music.
Mikey laughed in return. “I think we would cause a riot at this point if we kicked you out.”
“So that’s how you cause a riot here, good to know.” Buck raised the glass of water Sophie had shoved at him as soon as he walked in in mock salute.
Sophie smacked him with her towel Buck almost choked on his water which caused everyone to laugh harder. Maybe things weren’t so bad after all.
**********
Buck was explaining to someone on B-shift what all he had left on his chore list when Eddie walked into the locker room. The last call was a fire in a school that had left two kids dead and three in critical condition. All of A-shift was being sent home, Buck included, so it was Buck’s job to make sure that all of the chores on his lift were still done. Thankfully, almost everyone on B-shift was on Buck’s side so they were all very willing to help him. It’s not that he was super close to them, but they weren’t blinded by the same hatred towards him as A-shift.
Buck could sense Eddie tense up when he realized that Buck was still in the locker room. It was rare for the man to be in the same room as Buck. They still hadn’t exchanged a word.
He tried his best to ignore his once best friend as he continued talking to the other firefighter. It only lasted a couple minutes before a locker slammed behind him. Buck spun around on instinct and found himself only a few feet away from a very pissed off looking Eddie Diaz.
“Christ Buck, do you always have to make so much noise? Some of us are trying to go home after actually saving lies, not just cleaning shit out of the toilets.” Eddie spat. The venom rolling off of his tongue as easy as breathing.
Buck could have sworn there was a brief look of something akin to guilt swirling in Eddie’s eyes as Buck flinched slightly at the words. Small enough that no one would notice. No one except someone who once knew him like the back of his own hand.
The guilt continued to fester in Eddie’s eyes before his whole face turned to stone as he hid all of his emotions like a soldier.
Buck was the first to look away. He couldn’t look in his eyes a moment longer if he wanted to come out of this without crying. Buck cleared his throat and mumbled out an apology before grabbing his stuff and fleeing to his jeep.
When he got home, he started writing.
**********
It was nearing the end of his show when Buck started to feel the nerves festering under his skin. He felt more nervous than he did in a long time. More nervous than the first time he ran into a fire, more nervous than his first time playing on this stage.
After he went home that night and started writing he realized he was writing a story that had already been told. Buck had torn apart his closet looking for an old journal he used to note lyrics and chords down in. It was the story of a man who was basically a boy getting kicked out of his family. And then it was the story of a man who tried to find himself as a ranch hand before losing that too. And finally, it was the story of a man getting left by his family yet again.
He had played in for Sophie and Mikey and they had both cried and then hugged him tighter than he had been hugged in a very long time.
Because of how sad the song was, he had agreed to play it as his last song. By that time most of the people were either too drunk to care, or sober and dealing with their own demons.
He had barely paid any attention to the crowd the whole night as he worried over his last song. But it was just his luck that he noticed a very familiar group of people at a table near the center of the bar.
It was them. All of them. Hen, Karen, Maddie, Chimney, Athena, Bobby, and Eddie were all sitting around a table staring at him like they had no idea who he was. Which was fair, he had never shown them this part of him.
They all froze when they noticed him staring. Before Buck could say anything, he wasn’t even sure what he would say, both Hen and Chimney started yelling in excitement which made everyone else around the bar start yelling, clapping, or whistling.
Shit. He was so screwed. This was actually his worst-case scenario. They were all here to witness something he had never shown them. And by the looks of empty food baskets and bottles, they had been there quite a while. How had he not noticed them sooner?
Had he been that distracted that he hadn’t actually looked at the room once?
Maybe this would make them hate him more, maybe this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Would he have to leave his job? Not that he was doing much firefighting these days and hadn’t for months and months. Would he be thrown out a told to never come back?
But as Buck looked closer, there wasn’t hatred on any of there faces. Instead, there was confusion from Bobby and Maddie, surprise from Hen and Chimney, and a comforting look on Karen and Athena’s faces. It was only Eddie’s look that held an unreadable look on it.
Buck shook his head slightly. Fuck it. He was doing this. He had to do this for himself, no matter what the consequences were. He owed it to himself to do this.
“Thank you everyone for coming out tonight. I have one last song for you before I call it a night.” There were more cheers as Buck retuned his guitar ever so slightly. “The good news is that this is a never heard before original song by yours truly, bu-“ Before he could finish, he was cut off by the screams of a particular group that had started to come to everyone one of his shows.
Almost everyone in the group of guys and girls had bought him a drink and hit on him. He had turned them all down, but he would be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel good. To be wanted.
In actuality, Buck had a good crowd of regulars that liked to come to all of his shows. It was nice to know that there were people who appreciated and liked his voice and playing so much that they were willing to take time out of their week every week to come see him.
Buck laughed before continuing on. “But the bad news is that it isn’t a super happy and upbeat song, so if you want to leave on a high note I completely understand and I hope you have a wonderful night. Thank you so much for coming out, I really appreciate it.” There were a couple of people that left. Noticeably, none of the 118 had left. Buck waited for them to shuffle out the back before he started speaking.
“Before I play this, I want to tell you a short story. When I was seventeen years old, I was kicked out of my house with the clothes on my back, a guitar, and a Jeep that my sister had left to me.” Buck looked anywhere around the room except at the table that seemed to be calling to him like a beacon. It was bad enough that they were here to witness this, he didn’t need to be staring at them the whole time he told the totality of the disaster that was his life.
“My parents weren’t good people or good parents. They didn’t treat me like a son, and they didn’t care what happened to me, so I wasn’t to upset about leaving home. A couple of months after leaving I settled down on this farm working as a ranch hand. I worked there for about two years and thought that I had found a group of people I could call my family.”
There was a stillness in the room as everyone listened to what he was saying. He hadn’t fully explained the meaning of the song to Mikey and Sophie who he saw standing next to each other behind the bar. They both gave him an encouraging smile when he made eye contact with them.
“But apparently, they were a lot less accepting than I thought. They caught me kissing another man and promptly threw me out on the road.” There were sounds of anger and sadness as Buck talked. He dared to look at his once family and saw everyone of them had a look of sorrow on their face. Maddie was the only one he was officially out to, but he knew that they all knew. He just never told them out of fear.
He didn’t want to lose them the same way he lost one family. Even though he lost them in the end anyways.
“A week later they sold the farm claiming that I had tainted it. They loaded up all of the horses onto a truck, and I never saw them again. That was when I started writing this song. But I didn’t finish it until a couple of days ago.”
Buck couldn’t stop himself from staring at the very people he was talking about as he continued. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t look away. “You see I eventually made my way out to LA and started work as a firefighter.” Someone from the corner of the room wolf whistled and the tension momentarily broke as Buck let out a sharp laugh as he was caught off guard.
“Yeah yeah, I’m well aware of what you all think of my job choice.”
He aimed a good-natured glare towards the table that had screamed before as someone yelled out “It’s not our fault your hot.” Buck laughed again before clearing his throat.
“Anyways, I won’t go into all the dirty details, but I lost that family too. Somehow, I ended up here to sing this song for you. I really do hope you enjoy it.” There were light cheers around the room, and with one last look where his eyes lingered on Eddie who was looking at him with so many emotions. Sorrow, grief, heartbreak, and guilt. Eddie offered him a wobbly smile.
Without returning the look, Buck started to play. It was now or never.
The intro started off soft on the guitar.
“Window seat in a '90s plane
See the rivers meet and spread like veins
'Nother airport lounge, 'nother time zone change
Gonna dance around and sing about my pain
Okay, it pays”
He had spent so much of his life travelling from one town to the next, never sure where he would find a home.
“See the dried flood lines on the neighbors' porches
Do you remember cryin' for all them horses?
They did not look scared at all
They did not look scared, they did not look scared at all”
“So tell me when it feels you cannot escape me
Just yell like Dad would yell at all the noise I'm makin'
I'm just happy you still call
I'm just happy, I'm just happy you still call”
No matter how little of a relationship he had with Maddie, he was still so thankful to have her in his life. Even if he was too much.
“City kid bought thе farm, he's a real nice guy
Lеft a lifetime invitation for my friends and I
Couldn't make it back even if I tried
Oh, some things live forever, even when they die
Oh my, my, my, my, my, my, my”
“Know I wanna beat it, wanna beat it bad
Oh, everyone looks happy in a photograph
I've crossed the county line, I cannot go back
I'm always on my own
Couldn't make it home 'cause of all that rain
Oh, run of bad luck in a nowhere state
I'm high above us now in a big jet plane
I'm always on my own
I'm always on my own”
There was a beat before Buck came back in with the guitar as he freestyled some vocal runs. He looked to see that most of his once friends looked devastated. He didn’t know how to feel about that. Maybe he shouldn’t have done this.
“I ain't planned it, the plane, the plane just landed out here
Rubbed my eyes on 89, double yellow, murdered deer
You can vanish, yes, love, you can try to disappear
A thousand eyes on a dirt road, strike a light, let it burn slow”
“Maybe I'm manic again, but I think this time I'm out for good
I'm a sidewalk preacher with a record deal
I'm the weight of new sneakers on some dead wood”
That was probably the line the hurt Buck the most. It was also the line that he meant the most. He felt like he was so close to falling through into a hole that he couldn’t pull himself out of. No matter how much he supported himself, the ground underneath him was changing and rotting away.
“This ain't mine anymore, I made too much goddamn noise
Done starin' at the void, spin-castin' with the boys”
Buck couldn’t stop himself from staring at Eddie as he sang that line. It was what he had said to him after all. The man in question looked pale as the weight of his own words sunk in on him.
“Know I wanna beat it, wanna beat it bad
Oh, everyone looks happy in a photograph
I've crossed the county line, I cannot go back
I'm always on my own
Couldn't make it home 'cause of all that rain
Oh, run of bad luck in a nowhere state
I'm high above us now in a big jet plane
I'm always on my own
I'm always on my own”
He really always ended up alone.
“See the dried flood lines on the neighbors' porches
Do you remember cryin' for all them horses?
They did not look scared at all, they did not look scared
They did not look scared at all.”
Buck strummed the guitar quietly as he ended the song. There were tears gathering in his own eyes and a quick look around showed that many others were crying. For a second there was complete silence before thunderous applause broke out. He could hear Mikey and Sophie screaming from the back of the room. He once again couldn’t stop from looking at the people he had just sung a song about.
All of them were cheering wildly and all of them were crying.
Buck had no idea where they went from here.