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"You know what I want?" Till asks out of nowhere, ignoring the fact that they were sitting in what was almost an hour of harmonious silence which is almost record breaking for them.
"What is it?" Ivan responds, dog earring the page he was on and setting his book on the side table with a thump so he could circle his arms around Till's waist.
"A fuck ton of ice cream." Till hums, imagining himself peacefully enjoying a big pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream all to himself.
"Darling, you can't have ice cream."
"Why the hell not?" Till snaps, slapping away Ivan's hand that goes to caress his cheek, turning his head to glare at the man. "Are you saying I'm fat or something?"
Till brings his hand up to pinch the man's cheek making him whine in protest, "Huh, is that how you really feel about your beloved husband?"
Ivan sighs and runs a soothing hand through Till's hair."No of course not, otherwise how would you be sitting on me right now." Till supposes that's true. If he were too big for Ivan to handle he wouldn't be straddling Ivan's lap on their couch at this very moment.
But still, he can't just say things like that and expect Till not to misunderstand. So, as always, none of this is Till's fault he concludes, nodding his head in self reassurance.
Seeing that Till is seemingly done with his mental debate Ivan lifts Till repositioning him to straddle Ivan face to face before he continues,"But do you remember what happened the last time you had lactose."
Till avoids eye contact instead staring at Ivan's black turtleneck, very black, very turtlenecky , Till concludes. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Hm, well don't worry dear; I will jog your memory for you."
"Well you dont have to do that-"
"It was just last weekend actually," Ivan begins, ignoring Till's clear annoyance with the direction of their conversation. "We went out on a double date with Mizi and Sua with Hyuna and Hyun-woo tagging along and if I remember correctly, you were almost black out drunk by the time we started ordering our appetizers"
"First off, the wine was reply fucking good, okay? Second off, I don't get how that has anything to do with this story but-"
"You really wanted mozzarella sticks, and no matter what I told you about how bad it hurts your poor stomach you just wouldn't listen." Ivan smiles like this is a fond story to look back on and not a traumatic memory for Till.
"Once the food came you ate at least twenty of the sticks and then like usual as if it was clock work, twelve minutes later you were bent over groaning in pain." Ivan smirks down at him.
Till would love nothing more than to punch that stupid look off his face.
"You made me hold you the rest of the night. You even begged me to massage your stomach-"
"OKAY, ENOUGH!" Till screams, his hand flying up to cover Ivan's big mouth which just makes the man laugh more.
Why did he marry such a dick head.
"Besides that, all the shops are already closing up for the night anyways so we couldn't get ice cream even if your stomach could handle it. Which is can't." Ivan muffles out through Till's hand, adding that last part unnecessarily in Till's opinion.
"What, no, its not that late." Till scoffs pulling out his phone and shoving it in Ivan's face "Look!"
Ivan gives Till that stupid patronizing smile and muffles out, "Yes, ten thirty."
"Exactly ten- ten thirty!?" Till screeches turning the screen back to himself.
Sadly, just as Ivan says the big numbers glare back up at him smugly. Apparently having his husband constantly be against him wasn't enough, the universe had to join in on the fun too. Hurray.
"Yup, the lights just went out on all the shops on the street outside as well." Till turns to look out the window and Ivan is once again proven right by the dark street lit up solely by the scattered yellow lamp posts aan the few stars still shinning through the cities light pollution.
"Told you so. "
Soon Till won't have a husband who is always against him if Ivan keeps talking because he's going to singlehandedly make himself a widow.
"Yeah well you see-" before Till can even come up with an excuse he feels something wet press up against his hand.
"Ivan." Till seethes, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath as if that'll do anything to sooth the constant low boiling rage inside of him. "If I look down at you and see that it's you licking my hand, I'm going to smack the shit out of you."
After another moment to reclaim what little patience he has and hopes that the wetness pressing against his hand will retreat—which it doesn't—Till looks down at the love of his life.
Of course because his husband is actually an alien sent to this earth to torture Till and not a human being with any form of sympathy or self preservation, he is now licking the webbing of Till's hand as well.
Not for the first time in his life, Till wonders if divorce attorneys are open this late into the night.
It is not that Till doesn't want to smack the shit out of Ivan, it's just that after years of being with this pervert he realizes that Ivan would like it.
Ivan seems to use his built in alien sixth sense that Till won't actually give into his weird freak kinks and slap him and instead wraps his arms around Till's waist holding on tight despite Till's squirming like some kind of parasitic leach.
"Welp, there's nothing we can do now. We can't go back in time." Ivan hums nonchalantly.
"You would build a time machine to get me some ice cream if you really loved me." Till grumbles, giving up on trying to escape Ivan's embrace and instead resting his cheek on the man's shoulder for a comfortable position to glare at him.
"If you really wanted me to I would." Ivan says seriously. "Just say the word and I would dedicate the rest of my life to creating a machine to take you back in time."
Till blinks up at the man and begins remembering just a little bit why he loves him so much. For all his crudeness and stupid actions Ivan is annoyingly dedicated to Till's happiness. Every time Ivan says something cringe and romantic like that Till can't help but feel warm remembering that, that's his husband. He got to marry him. And he starts to feel as giddy as he did when they first got together.
"Of course I would first use it to go back in time and kidnap baby you for a little because you were just so cute-"
And then he says some stupid shit like that just to piss Till off.
"Yeah, I'm going to bed asshole. " Till grumbles, shoving himself out of Ivan's grasp before he can react.
"Wait, baby you know I didn't mean it-" Ivan laughs as he watches Till stomp down the hallway to their bedroom.
"Till, come on-" Ivan is cut off abruptly by the loud slam of the door.
He sits there a moment longer waiting to see if Till will come out or if he's really heading to bed as this is quite early for him. Ivan wouldn't be all that surprised if he goes to follow Till and the man is laying on the bed angrily drawing.
"You sure you don't still want that ice cream? " Ivan calls out to the door expecting little to no response. Instead he watches in equal parts surprise and amusement as Till opens back up the door, glares at him for a minute, and slams the door hard enough the hinges creak in distress.
Ivan keeps staring again and before he can stop himself he's laughing as he makes his way to the door ready to force Till into another cuddle session.
Oh, how he loves being married.