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Christmas Eve
It takes until Christmas Eve for Serena to actually start feeling festive.
She put on a good show the last few weeks; snowman-laden jumpers and reindeer antlers and she only took down the mistletoe that Fletch hung in her office not the rest of the ward - but she didn't really feel it.
All of her cards were sent out early enough that they were likely the first ones some of her family and friends received, presents bought and wrapped and neatly stacked up in boxes in the guest room with Jason firmly warned not to peek. She's had a turkey crown in the freezer since the beginning of December and the ham and beef she picked up on the way home from work yesterday. In defiance to the brussel sprout shortage, she even managed to grab up a fresh branch of them in Sainsburys.
Christmas has definitely been handled with her usual efficiency - and this year she'd at least been guaranteed to have one person to share the day with who wouldn't cancel at the last minute, even if Jason has made arrangements to pop in on Alan after dinner - and the house sparkles with lights and baubles.
But it's only now, legs curled beneath her in her armchair, mug of whisky-spiked hot chocolate in hand and Jason’s favourite Christmas film playing on the telly, that she's starting to feel that Christmassy feeling.
Wiping at her eyes as Richard Attenborough signs for the poor little girl, she can't help the quick sniff that draws Jason’s attention to her.
“Are you crying, Auntie Serena?”
“Not really Jason.” She nods towards the TV; “It's just this bit. Ignore me.”
Jason tilts his head, looking back at the screen where the little girl is signing what she'd like for christmas, and then back to Serena. “Mum used to cry at this bit too.”
Serena feels the sob rush through her and chokes it back, can't quite stop the way her body collapses even further into the soft cushions, or the new tears that spring into her eyes. “Did she?”
Jason nods, “She did. She said it was because sometimes all a mother wants is to see their child treated like everyone else. Is that why you're crying, Auntie Serena?”
“It is, Jason.” She expects him to go back to watching his film now, leave her to rein in her emotions unobserved; he's so guarded when it comes to his mother that little snippets like this, about the sister she never had a chance to know, are cherished moments that Serena likes to hold close and memorise. Collect them up and try to form a picture of the woman. But instead, Jason frowns, fingers tapping out a slow beat on the arm of his chair.
“I thought you might be crying because Bernie hasn't come back.”
There will be a time, Serena is sure, where the mention of Bernie's name doesn't make her feel as though the world has stopped, tonight is not that time.
“Jason-”
“Because I know you're still sad that she's not here, Auntie Serena.”
Ever since that almost-mess with Robbie and her confession to Jason, he has been even more attuned to her emotions than before. When she found the text he'd sent, she'll admit that Bernie's continued silence might have distracted her away from giving Jason the appropriate speech about boundaries that he deserved and instead she'd merely asked that he text Bernie from his own phone in future, as he was more likely to get a response that way. Bernie certainly wasn't sending any to Serena.
She'd had the faintest hope - oh who was she trying to kid, she’d had a lot of hope - that Bernie would appear in the hospital a week, maybe two after that text, having tied up her work in Ukraine and wanting to say whatever she couldn't in text, to her face. But two weeks had passed, then three, four until Serena was looking at a ward decorated in tinsel and Ric was making noises about her needing to look at CVs for a new consultant come the New Year.
“It's okay, Jason. It's just the film, I promise.”
He squints at her and she doesn't blame him for his doubt; the tears threatening to trip off her lashes now have nothing to do with Christmas magic or Marjorie. Bringing her arms in close, she wraps both hands around the warm cup of chocolate, raising it up for a long sip.
“Okay.” Jason nods, finally shifts back around in his chair to carry on watching. “Because Bernie will be back.” He says to the screen.
“She will?” She can't stop the question, or the tug in her chest because maybe he has been speaking to Bernie after all, maybe he knows something of her plans.
“Yes. You love her so she'll come back. You love me and I'm here.”
Oh. “I do, Jason; very much and I'm so glad you are.” She smiles as Jason beams, still not looking back at her. If only it were that simple.
“You'll see, Auntie Serena.”
Hugging her cup, Serena lets the smile drop and tries to bring her focus back to the film. It's futile she knows and while Father Christmas makes shadow puppets on the wall, she loses herself to familiar thoughts of ‘what if’.
Christmas
Flopping down on the couch, Serena huffs out a long sigh, tugging the sleeves of her jumper back down to her wrists.
The door firmly shut behind Morven, the last of her guests, a message on her phone from Jason saying he's staying with Alan tonight and that he's really okay with the change in schedule and a glass of Shiraz on the coffee table and Serena can't believe how quiet the house is now. How still.
Her fridge is full of leftovers as anticipated, although less than she'd expected given the sheepish arrival of Fletcher and Raf on her doorstep late morning, the children piled up with new toys and games and a faint whiff of burnt turkey around them all. Elinor had of course cancelled, and Serena knows that's something she needs to deal with properly before it becomes an even bigger problem but that's something to contemplate in January or tomorrow, not in the only time she's had alone all day.
Flicking off the telly, she reaches behind her to switch on the stereo, smiling at the first notes of a jazzy rendition of Jingle Bells .
Picking up her glass, she settles back into the soft cushions, wiggling down until her legs are spread out across the length. The tree lights flicker in the corner of the room, twinkling away amongst the branches and decorations, and the house has a curious scent of stuffing from dinner and cinnamon from the candle Evie presented her with so proudly.
Sipping at her wine, Serena closes her eyes and inhales, breathes slowly for a while and clings to the feeling of peace and family that's been around her all day.
It wasn't perfect; the pigs in blankets charred a little at the edge, the gravy came out somewhat sparse for the number of dinner guests and Fletch spent an hour apologising over the vase Theo broke before Serena snapped at him to shut up and everyone sulked for a bit. But it was family and she'll always cherish the brightness in Jason's eyes when he announced that he'd never had a big Christmas before.
And of course, amongst it all was that space, the gap where Bernie would have slotted in. Haunting the conversation with every cut off AAU story and the moment where she couldn't find the matches and thought; ‘Bernie always has a lighter’.
The track changes to White Christmas and Serena wonders what Christmas is like in Ukraine. Or did Bernie come back for the holiday? Surely she wouldn't want to miss seeing her children; unless they'd taken Bernie's departure about as well as Serena had.
She hopes that she's back; even if she won't see her, hopes Bernie is at least making progress in pulling her family back together.
Hopes-
The doorbell rings and Serena jumps, wine sloshing around her glass.
A quick look at the clock on the mantel says it's eight o’clock and she's certainly not expecting anyone now.
It could be Elinor, she supposes, getting up and sliding her glass onto the table, but it seems unlikely given that she's no doubt been drinking the day away with Edward and his cheerleader. More likely it's Fletch or Raf come back to pick up something one of the children forgot.
Straightening the front of her jumper, rudolph’s nose flashing and lighting up the hallway as she does, Serena pulls open the door without bothering to look through the window.
“Who forgot wha-”
She stops, the word cut off as her voice dies. Bernie stands just before the step, the front light making her hair glow beneath a pulled down wooly hat.
Blinking, Serena faintly registers the sound of Silent Night playing somewhere outside and opens her mouth again to...she isn't sure, isn't even sure if anything will come out.
Bernie raises a hand, finger against her lips and then reaches behind herself to pull out a small stack of white boards, holding them up.
Serena,
I know it's late
The first reads, and Serena finds her arms crossing over her chest, hugging herself tightly as Bernie lowers the board to reveal the next.
In more ways than one
She looks sheepish and there's a part of Serena already leaning towards Bernie, has been since she opened the door, but she waits, heart pounding hard in her chest as the board lowers.
But it's Christmas day
She's drawn a little stickman reindeer and what Serena can only assume is supposed to be Father Christmas beneath the words in red.
And Christmas is a time for family
After this board is another with a collage of photos of her and Jason, Elinor, some taken on AAU with Morven, Fletch and Raf. Even one of Arthur staring in bemusement at a laughing Dom.
And being with the people you love
Serena's heart thumps as Bernie dips her head down to read the board from above and then looks back up at Serena from beneath her ridiculous fringe and Serena holds her breath for the next board, arms dropping down as she grips her hands together anxiously.
I know I was a coward to run away
The board is dropped quickly to show the next one
And to ignore your texts and emails
Serena bites her lip, tears falling down her cheeks.
But you are an amazing woman Serena
Here Bernie nods, before holding up the next board.
And I was scared I might ruin what we had
“Bernie-” Bernie shakes her head, tears glittering in her eyes and Serena grips her own fingers tightly together to stop herself reaching out to brush them away.
Running away from you was the worst mistake I've ever made
And I don't expect you to forgive me
Serena can see the way the reduced pile of boards shake in Bernie's hands as the next is held up.
But it's Christmas and at Christmas you tell the truth
Serena swallows as Bernie holds the last two boards in her hands and raises them together.
So without hope or expectation
Just because you deserve to know...
“I love you, Serena.”
Serena lets out a sob at Bernie's voice, at the words, hand coming up to cover her mouth.
“And I am so sorry I hurt you.”
Bernie's mouth twitches up at the corner, tears glistening in tracks down her cheeks and she gives another nod, hand clenching and releasing at her side.
Serena sees this, sees Bernie bend down to pick up the boards, reaching into the hedge to extract a portable player from on top of the low wall. Sees as she smiles again and turns to head back down the path, Silent Night still playing, sees everything but cannot seem to control herself enough to do anything.
It's as Bernie reaches the end of the path, stepping just out of reach of the light and starting to disappear into the dark that Serena manages to move.
The stone step and path are cold against her bare feet but she hardly notices as she chases after Bernie.
She catches her at Bernie's car, just as she's leaning the boards up against the passenger door. Clasps her shoulder to turn her around.
“Serena?”
“I love you.” She says, quickly, before she loses her nerve and with the hand still wrapped around Bernie's shoulder, pulls herself up a little to close the distance between them and kisses her.
They'll talk and cry and Serena suspects they'll probably fight some more too. She doesn't know if Bernie plans to stay in England now, if she'll come back to the hospital. Doesn't know where Bernie was planning on sleeping or if she'll offer her the guest room tonight or the right side of her own bed.
But right now, with Bernie's lips against her own, Bernie's hands cupping her neck and waist, Bernie's chest pressed against her and the little whimpers and moans mixing between them, none of that matters.
Because it's Christmas night and Bernie loves her and is here and Serena didn't write to Father Christmas or make a wish but if she had, snogging Berenice Wolfe in the street while Rocking Around The Christmas Tree bursts from the player balanced on the car roof, would have been top of her list.