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Eric Cartman didn’t like losing.
At seventeen, he lost any chance of Kyle as a romantic partner. It shattered him.
Eric played it off. If there was anything he learned his senior year was that manipulating or scheming to get anything in his favor didn’t do anyone even favors.
Who was Eric when he wasn’t Cartman, the guy people feared and the one who got what he wanted?
The rest of senior year he was quiet. Eric watched a lot. Butters looked at him wearily. Stan and Kyle didn’t notice-not really-the Super Best Friends were content being in love. Kenny looked at him thoughtfully.
His first thought is automatic. Is the poor sack of a shit happy Eric lost? Kenny always preferred Stan. Eric was the outlier.
He smiled when he saw Kyle threaten random people hitting on him-there’s his mountain lion!-and talk passionately about his nerd interests. Life, if for a moment, was brighter.
For maybe the first time in his life he reaches out to his mother. Eric knew his mother had experience with love. Maybe a bit too much, if the men who came and went were any indication, but she was his best bet.
His mom was making homemade pot pie. Eric’s favorite. “Mom, think I can talk to you?” he asked quietly.
Leanne looked at him. A brief frown was on her face before she rearranged it into her bubbly smile. “Of course, poopykins. What’s on your mind?”
If only Eric could train his mom to not say embarrassing shit. He doesn’t mind being spoiled, quite the opposite actually, but the nicknames made him want to hurl.
“I don’t know how to be anything but me, Mom. What do I do if I don’t do my typical shit?” he asked. He put his head in his hands.
Kyle didn’t tell him not to be mean, not exactly, but he did make it clear he wasn’t going to tolerate his typical behavior towards him or other people. Which. Eric couldn’t blame him for it. He did manipulate the boy and orchestrated several plans so Kyle could be his.
Leanne blinked. “I don’t understand, sweetums. Why wouldn’t you be yourself?” she asked slowly. She looked at the time on the microwave.
Eric closed his eyes. This fucking bitch. Does he have to spell everything out? He sighed and opened his eyes back up. “Mom, you know Kyle and I aren’t seeing each other. I know you heard from Kyle’s bitch mom that I caused the Facebook stuff. Kyle still wants me around but he doesn’t want that person around. But I don’t know who I am if I’m not that guy.” he said.
Leanne smiled sympathetically. “Yes, I heard. I understand you were very taken with Kyle. He was a very good influence on you. But did you ever ask yourself why you do the things you do?” she asked rhetorically.
Eric blinked.
“Because…..I want to?” he said. What else could it be? Eric has been trying to get his way since he was three years old.
Leanne pulled up two chairs from the kitchen. She sat down and motioned him to sit down. Eric hesitated and sat down. “I want the perfect partner. The perfect life. I don’t like hard work.” he said matter-of-factly. That’s why he wanted to be President. Kyle, in his mind, for his caring nature and his scheming nature made him the perfect First Lady in his mind.
Leanne giggled. “Sweetums, you do work hard in things that benefit you. Don’t you remember all those little get rich schemes that you and those boys got into? That took hard work.” she pointed out.
Of course Eric remembered. His schemes went from moderately simple-things like making his own burgers and selling them-to becoming a preacher that took advantage of the fact churches usually have their members give money to receive profit.
Usually they ended in disaster—or somehow even better than he expected. But Eric was the leading force. Always.
“Kyle doesn’t want me to do shit like that anymore, either. I don't think so at least. So that makes those not even important. So once again, Mom, tell me how the fuck I can still be me. Without losing my best friend.” he said.
Leanne looked at the microwave again. They had about twenty minutes left. “Kyle didn’t want you to do things that could harm others. Including yourself. So why don’t you direct that energy towards positive things? You have potential, Eric. Your grades are decent. You could even get a scholarship for your football career.” she said calmly.
Leanne looked at him. Her brown eyes were solemn. “You used to be such a sweet boy, Eric. We used to get along sweetums. At some point, I don’t know if it was that school-you boys were always so rough with another-or not having a positive male influence in your life but it seemed you always had to prove something to everyone.” she said sadly.
His eyes widened.
Eric tried to forget everything from elementary school that didn’t have to do with Kyle. He hated being known as the fat boy. The boy with the slut mom. That’s why as soon as he could he directed that energy into making people fear him. Not to fuck with him. It didn’t start out as a way to be a manipulative asshole. Eric just didn’t want to be fucked with anymore. Scott Tenermon was what broke the camel’s back.
“How was I ever sweet?” he questioned with a disbelieved laugh.
His mom smiled fondly. “You used to watch me bake. We would give each other ideas for your meals. You would sing with me after a while. I really liked singing these outrageous songs when you were really little-you got that from your mother-and you adored the lullaby I sang to you to sleep.” she reminisced.
In the back of his mind Eric is sure those memories were there. But he didn’t remember them. “What if it’s not good enough?” he asked uncertainly. Kyle is the only person he cares about losing. He can deal with losing anybody else. But not Kyle. Even if the boy wasn’t with him.
Leanne stood up and went to Eric. She kissed his head. “You keep trying. You do what you can. The people who love you will be here. Your Mom has always been here, hasn’t she?”
Tears came out of his eyes. He wiped them quickly with his sleeve. Eric wasn’t going to be a little bitch. “Thanks Mom.” he said shakily.
Eric spends his summer doing research. He considers his goals. Business always seemed an easy goal. But it isn’t going to make him the President or the Mayor. Kyle reaches out to him when he’s quiet and forces him out. The redhead never pushes him to talk.
They go to this new Chinese place. Kyle doesn’t bring Stan. Eric smiled. He was worried those two would never leave each other's side. They were so happy it was disgusting. “You check out this place with your lover boy?” he asked with a smirk.
Kyle rolled his eyes. “No. Stan says he’s tired of eating the same three things. I told him to try out new recipes then. I mean. He makes a mean steak, dude. I’ll eat whatever he decides to make.” he said with a snigger.
“Are you sure you don’t want food because you’re high?” asked Eric.
Kyle was a huge pothead. At some point if you didn’t see him with a snack in his head-or stealing Eric’s food-then something was wrong. His stomach was practically a vacuum. Which is saying something. Eric was the former fat kid.
“I’m always high dude.” snickered Kyle.
After they took their drinks and got their food from the buffet they sat down. Eric was on his second plate. Kyle was trying to inhale three plates. “So, dude, I was thinking. This is our last summer as kids. What should we do to leave this place with an bang?” the redhead asked mischievously in between inhaling.
“Don’t you have an internship or some college crap you got to do for University of Denver?” asked Eric. He admits he wasn’t exactly listening. But Kyle definitely had a plan.
Kyle waved his hand. “One, I’m not wasting my summer on an internship. That shit can wait till August. Two, shouldn’t I be asking you that? You were applying to a bunch of crap earlier this year.”
That was true. Eric applied to the University of Denver, Yale, Harvard, random universities in California and New York, and he looked into trade schools just to make sure there wasn’t anything he was missing. If he could have an decent career without half of the work, why the fuck not? Since his mom still made too much for financial aid he applied for grants and scholarships.
“I haven’t decided between Denver and this place in California.” he said honestly.
Normally he would have balked at California. That place was full of hippies and stereotypical stoners. But Eric wanted a change of pace from the cold. He wanted to lounge on the beach.
He didn’t get into any of the Ivy Leagues. Which was a shame. Eric wanted to kiss the rich kids asses and get connections that moved him up in the world. He knew he could do it. Eric didn’t get this far by not being able to read people.
He eventually landed for Denver and Cali. Eric figured worst to worst it still wasn’t South Park. He still could get a dorm or commute. Eric could also see some familiar faces which would make the adjustment easier. Plus Butters Stotch was going to be there. That kid can actually make food. He figured he could bribe the blonde to make his food. Eric refused to eat ramen or fast food or even the cafeteria food.
Kyle beamed. “You should be my roommate at Denver.” he suggested happily. Then he whispered, “I don’t want a total stranger as my roommate. Freaks me out. You don’t know how some people live.” the redhead shuddered. Eric didn’t point out that he’s a lot messier than Kyle.
Eric grinned. He’d love to be the boy’s roommate. That’d be fun as hell. Then his face fell. “What about Stan?” he asked softly.
Eric knew this was a good opportunity to get in Kyle’s good graces. Slip in without Stan’s knowledge. But that’s not how it is anymore. Stan is Kyle’s boyfriend and as much as he wants to throw the musician off a twelve story building half of the time still he can’t do that.
Kyle chose Stan.
Not him.
“Stan is getting his own apartment in Denver and a job. He isn’t doing college. I thought about moving in, we talked about it some, but I want us to be independent from each other for a bit. We haven’t been together very long. It’s too quick. Too serious.” said Kyle.
Eric smiled. “Well, if I end up doing Denver I’ll make sure we’re roommates.” he promised.
Even if he has to find a loophole.
Eventually they decide to have a party at Kyle’s place. His parents were going out to see his aunt and his brother had to be dragged with them. The redhead said they’ll go classic. Penis on their faces, pee in the pants(by water) and horseplay. He said, “I know it’s fucking childish but I never got to do those things with you guys. So I’m making up for it.”
Eric added his own flair. When everyone is asleep everyone will have red hair. Instead of having white skin and freckles like Eric was years before, he is making everyone look like clowns. Except for them, of course.
“So what will happen to us?” asked Kyle.
Eric said he’s going to sing with them. “We are going to wake them up with some show tunes,” said the brunette.
Of course Eric is going to dress up for the occasion. If there’s ever a time or an opportunity he’s going to ham it up.
Kyle asked if they could leave Stan out of it. Eric said, “Of course not. It’ll make them suspicious. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” The redhead rolled his eyes but he eventually relented.
One day after they pulled off the minor parts of the prank Eric dressed up in a red sparkly dress. He told Kyle he needs to put on a suit and smooth down his hair. They are doing “I Need A Hero” at four ‘o clock in the morning.
“Why the dress?” laughed Kyle.
Eric looked at him with serious eyes. “You can’t do this song without making it clear it’s Shrek. Shrek is love, Shrek is life.”
As they planned Eric got the melody out. He had a microphone ready. Kyle looked dapper in his suit(he even put on a matching red undershirt to really sell the scene!) and he had his microphone ready.
“Where have all the good men gone and where are all the Gods?” sang Eric. Kyle looked offended. He flipped off the bigger man as he waited for his cue.
Stan blinked. He rubbed his eyes. “Wa…” he said.
Tweek was darting his eyes. “Craig? Craig?” he repeated as he tried getting Craig to wake up. The stoic boy was still snoring.
Kenny rubbed his eyes. His eyebrow was raised. He smirked. “You’re looking at em, baby.” he said in amusement. He winked at Eric.
“Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery stead? Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I neeeeeeed!” continued Eric. Kyle pretended to be riding a horse with a sword with his hands.
“F-fellas, are you seeing this too?” mumbled Butters. He was staring in astonishment.
“I need a hero! I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night. He’s got to be strong and he’s got to be fast. And he’s got to be fresh from the fight.” belted Eric. He was moving around. Showing a lot of leg. Stan gagged.
Kyle flexed his muscles. He walked quickly to and from the front of the room to the back. The redhead pretended to punch Clyde as the last lyric went out. “Kyle, really?” said Stan as he laughed.
“I need a hero….I’m holding out a hero till the morning light. He’s gotta be sure and it’s gotta be soon. And he’s g-gotta be larger, larger than lifeeeeeeee.” sang Eric.
After Tweek finally woke up Craig the stoic boy kept blinking. “This is not the fantasy I hoped to have,” he said. He looked disturbed. He whispered to Tweek after, “Please tell me you are at least going to sing in an apron. Or something.”
Clyde was still out. Nobody knew where Tolkien went. Stan poked the brunette boy. “Huh.” he said.
After Eric was done singing and he felt like his performance wow’d everybody though. He bowed. Craig flipped him off. Kyle smirked. Kenny was cackling and apparently been video taping the entire time. Tweek was vibrating. Stan was trying very hard to only look at his boyfriend. Clyde, somehow, was still dead to the world.
Tolkien came back. He was scowling. The boy must have been trying very hard to fix his appearance. “You dicks!” he yelled. The boys looked at the black boy. Their eyes widened as they saw the residue of makeup and red hair faded into his black hair. He blinked for a moment when he noticed the scene. “……Kyle, Eric, this was all you wasn’t it?” he said.
Kyle gave an exaggerated flourish. “You look beautiful, darling. Truly. Red is your color.” he said. Kenny cackled. He gave the redhead a thumbs up.
Eric shrugged. “Who else is this fucking awesome?” he said.
Tolkien stared. “I expect compensation in breakfast.” he declared. He crossed his arms. Unamused.
Clyde finally woke up. He yawned loudly. The boy looked at Eric. Then at Kyle. Last was the other boys. “Wow, my dreams sure are getting more detailed.” he said.
It was a good day. Eric can safely say his summer went off without a hitch. Once fall came he decided he wanted to be at University of Denver. Eric wanted to be a triple threat so he was getting a degree in business, accounting, and he’s learning everything about computers.
Kyle decided he wanted to go for psychology. He’s still Eric’s roommate. Though sometimes the bigger boy gets bitched at. A lot. “Man, I want to have people over. There’s a trash can right next to you. Throw things away dude.” he’d say in exasperation as he looked at Eric’s side of the room.
They both do well. Though Kyle keeps getting bored or annoyed by his major halfway through so by the end of their freshman year he tells his parents he’s switching to social work. Eric snickered as he heard Kyle being scolded.
“I know it’s expensive. But I gotta know Pa.” insisted Kyle.
Eric got his bag of popcorn. He started eating. “Ma. I’m not expecting Stan to take care of me. No. This is not a phase.” the redhead said with a roll of eyes.
Eric saw Stan come in. He had a spare key. “Kyle told his parents, didn’t he?” he asked the bigger boy. Eric nodded and offered him some popcorn. Stan grabbed some.
“Pa, Ma. I’ll pay you back. Now stop lecturing me before I hang up this phone. Trust your son. Please.” begged Kyle.
Kyle closed his eyes as the lecture didn’t stop. “Bye Ma, bye Pa.” he finally said as he hung up the phone.
The redhead turned as he noticed both boys eating. Stan moved his hands and put on an innocent smile. His eyes narrowed. “Were you watching me this whole time like cable television?” he asked incredulously.
“Yes.” is all Eric said.
Stan smiled sheepishly. “I did say your parents were going to freak,” he said lightly.
Kyle glared at them. He threw a pillow at Eric. “AY!” yelled the bigger boy. Stan snickered. Kyle looked at Stan and put his nose up and pouted. Stan looked wounded.
“Whipped.” he whispered to Stan.
They all hang out as years go by. Eric doesn’t hate it. He loves having Kyle as his best friend. Even though his crush hasn’t fully gone away. But all in good time, right? The problem was that Eric wanted someone to cherish. He watched Stan and how he treated Kyle when they were together and a stab of jealousy came in his chest. Part of him still insisted he’d have treated Kyle even better
Eric avoids them during those times.
Eric still kept in contact with Kenny. The blonde said he needed to get laid. “Are you ever going to have a serious relationship, man?” he asked. Kenny shrugged and breathed out the smoke from his pipe. Eric couldn’t imagine being with someone and not being all in.
Kenny gets him to go on some double dates. Some go well. He connects with his old girlfriend, Heidi. They last a little while. But Eric couldn’t help but feel bored. After that there was Wendy. That relationship was mixed. Their sexual chemistry was off the charts. But Wendy was never happy with him.
Eric didn’t understand that. Wendy was similar to Kyle, the boy he always held a torch for, and he didn’t have any issues with Eric when they were seeing each other. But Wendy? It was bitch. Bitch. Then more bitching till Eric finally snaps at her.
He asked Kyle one day what he’s doing wrong. Eric explained everything as honestly as he could.
“Man, I don’t think it was you. You guys probably can’t meet where you guys both are at. Wendy doesn’t like spontaneous things as much as you do. She likes order.” said Kyle.
Eric didn’t date at all the rest of college. He graduates with honors with the help of Kyle. Kyle makes his parents happy(and relieved) when he finally sticks with a major after his sixth change. He had to double up his workload and apply for work-study positions to make it, but by graduation the redheaded man was a registered nurse.
Eric works his way up in the business world. He’s doing well at Denver. The bigger man is well-liked. Though sometimes he can’t help but get the feeling his coworkers looked at him like he was going to put them in chili.
It took him months but he finally went to therapy. Eric told the therapist, then the second, then the fourth, and then the twelfth therapist everything he ever did and why. He goes through all the therapy bullshit. Eric is diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. He’s not surprised. “So what do I do with that?” He questioned his therapist.
His therapist gives him a kind smile. “You keep working through the steps we’ve discussed. Then you live your life.” she said.
So that’s what he does.
Eric visits his mother. He’s never fully affectionate with her, not really, but their relationship has improved. They watch musicals together and occasionally go to restaurants together.
Kyle asked him to be his best man at twenty-four. Eric agrees. The back of his mind has dark thoughts about Stan but he pushes it back and goes through with it. Kyle looked beautiful at their wedding. Eric kept a smile on as he watched them exchange their vows before the preacher.
They are happily, sickly, and unfairly married. Eric stays distant for a while after that. He couldn’t guarantee what he’d do if he saw it while it was fresh.
Months fly by and he contacts Kyle like nothing has changed. The redhead responded with gusto. Eric would always appreciate the man for his understanding.
They still scheme.
Well. Eric does.
Kyle just continues being his partner in crime.
The wound never fully goes away. Eric believes that’s just the way it is. Sometimes you just love someone. You can’t end it. But it no longer hurts him.
One day, at thirty years old, he runs into a woman. She had black hair, glasses, and a gentle personality. Or so he thought. The bigger man remembered seeing her smile at him. He thought the world stopped for a moment.
Her name is Yental. She’s as Jewish as they come. The woman goes all in on everything. Including Eric. They marry after a year.
She’s dramatic, a bit of a worrier, prone to religious hypocrisy. Kyle thinks she’s absolutely insane but thinks it’s appropriate he managed to find a woman just as intense as he is.
Eric becomes Jewish for her. He dons the hat, the clothing, and lets Yeti fatten him up because “you are too skinny, Eric” as she points out on many occasions. She makes his weird food with many complaints.
Kyle laughs his ass off when he finds out. “Do you even understand the terms, dude? Or do I have to give you homework?” he said with a cackle. Stan would calmly give the redhead his food as he did this. Eric never stopped giving the musician shit for being the wife.
Eric didn’t. He began to pay attention to sermons and did a lot of research. For the first time, Eric truly understood that he’d spent years acting as though Kyle deserved hatred simply because of who he was. Even when similar antisemitism was brought back to him.
They have three kids. Because Eric wanted to honor Judaism as much as he could, he named his children to reflect that. Their names were Menorah, Hackelem, and Moisha.
Menorah is a dead ringer for Eric. Kyle jokes that he created a clone and the world better watch out. His boy ends up just as insane as Eric. But Eric teaches him to put that in something productive. He became a rabbi.
Hackelem is ... .spirited. No matter how many times they rein him in, the boy is convinced “Uncle Kyle” is mean. Kyle just raises an eyebrow and says nothing. Eric has no idea how he inherited that part. Maybe the Cartman’s just have a thing about redheads.
Moisha is sweet. She looks just like their mother. She’s just like her too. His little girl is always focused on living by the book. Kyle spoils her. Stan says that they need to stop feeding the kids and the redhead everything in the house. Kyle says, “You know you wouldn’t have it any other way babe.”
They all get together for Kenny’s funeral ten years later. It’s a solemn occasion. Nobody can say a word as Scott Mackleson, the preacher, says everything Kenny was. What he gave. Everyone was proud that he ended up a prominent scientist. Eric didn’t think the blonde would ever die permanently.
He runs into Craig Tucker. He was with Tweek. Eric didn’t watch where he was going. “Cartman?” they said together in surprise. Craig eyed him suspiciously. Tweek smiled. No more jerking or twitching.
He smiles. “No. Eric.”
The men look at each other. Eric walks away to his family. Kyle is tearing up. Stan is hugging him tightly. Yeti forcefully grabs the men to her. They squeak in surprise. He watches. He wonders. What would Kenny think of him now?
Eric imagines the blonde, drowning in his hoodie, giving him a wide grin. Before Kyle was his best friend there was Kenny. Two children lost in the world looking for fun wherever it could be. Why did he forget that?
Eric never tells anyone. He believes it’s simply wishful thinking. Or perhaps he graduated from sociopathic thinking to delusional thinking. But he thinks he’s heard a whisper of, “Eric, I’ll always be here.”
He walks away.
That’s how Cartman became Eric.