Chapter Text
I am not a brave man, I never have been. Everyone I’ve ever met will tell you that I’m not a brave man. At every sign of a problem, my first instinct is to run, to seek safety in the comfort of the familiar, it’s a miracle I’ve lasted this long on the vat without a complete breakdown.
I knew everyone here felt it, the burden of the world on their shoulders- it was something I would never have thought myself to be strong enough to carry even a fraction of, but it felt slightly lighter knowing that I was not alone in carrying the responsibility for billions of lives.
The weight of it seemed heaviest on Eva, she was truly incredible- ruthless, some might say heartless, but what kind of heartless person would sacrifice their own humanity to save that of the rest of the world? I knew she loved earth and everyone on it with such a fiery passion that she would allow it to burn her alive, and she was alright with that.
Eva was brave.
I saw the astronauts, laughing and joking, but they couldn’t hide the steely resolve in their eyes that was the only evidence that they knew they were going to die alone and stranded in space, knowing they were in the trolley problem but willingly stepping onto the tracks all the same.
They were brave.
I was just…me. A high school science teacher, a disgraced academic who’d stood up for myself once and decided never again. It wasn’t worth it, to be ostracised from my peers, turned away from the field I loved and herded into the front of a classroom like every other failed scientist the world didn’t quite know what to do with, all because of one stupid comment to protect my pride. I played it safe since then.
But then Stratt showed up and flipped my life on its head, up was down, left was right- heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if xenon was a solid in this new wacky world I called my life.
We were working with atomic bomb level power, all contained within a single, tiny tube, I tried not to think about the disasters that a single measuring error could cause. I loved my practical experiments, but I tried to avoid them as much as I could, settling instead to stay mostly theoretical, even if it was impractical at times.
I was due for a practical experiment that day, waking up and pulling on a t- shirt without so much as a glance at myself, though I did try to slightly tame my bed hair by smoothing it down as I opened the door and stepped outside into the labyrinth of corridors that made up the vat. I knew the path to the labs by heart now, but I’d gotten lost a fair few times in my first weeks on the boat.
My heart was pounding, I wasn’t sure why, and my skin felt clammy, maybe I was coming down with something, that would suck.
No one passed me while I walked, it was nice and quiet in this area of the ship once everyone was awake and doing their jobs, I just liked a lie in. I contemplated grabbing a coffee on my way, but decided not to, I could get a coffee later, for now, I had to hype myself up that everything with this experiment would go FINE and I would triple check the amount we were given as per usual. DuBois always insisted I was being overly cautious, that he trusted the handling teams to do their jobs, but he seemed to understand that for the sake of my own sanity, I needed to check.
I tried to blink away the visual of clouds of flame enveloping the boat, vaporising everything in its path- humanity’s last hope- gone before you could say ‘Hail Mary’. It was a scenario that ran through my mind before every experiment, and it always made my stomach churn at the fact that it was very, VERY possible, one small plastic tube away. Today, it felt different, and the image grew clearer by the second.
It was a building that had exploded, I hadn’t seen it but I’d pictured it every day since- what the stuff of my nightmares had looked like, it’d vaporised the building and everyone inside. I’d been in my trailer at the time, but the shockwave had knocked it a few feet out of place, Eva had come straight to me, making sure I was ok before turning to her radio and confirming that- that DuBois and Shapiro had been there, and they were dead.
I stopped in my tracks, taking a calming, shaky breath, my legs felt weak. That ‘what if’ had been so real that it felt more like an old memory finally seeing the light of day, but I knew it wasn’t real- we were on a boat! We wouldn’t reach Baikonur until-
Where had that come from? I’d never been told our destination, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew where we would dock, and when, and how many people would die in that explosion, and that I hadn’t been there to do anything to stop it.
A measuring mistake, my brain supplied helpfully, it had been a measuring mistake. They’d been given a milligram instead of a nanogram and- boom.
The cold dread I felt before every experiment suddenly felt very justified.
My legs shook but I continued to walk, counting down from a hundred to try and distract myself from what was happening in my brain, maybe I could see the future, maybe I’d finally cracked under the pressure, or maybe I was just ill and my brain was being 10% more doomsday-ish than usual. For the sake of my (seemingly nonexistent) sanity, I chose to believe the latter.
I was in front of the lab, watching as Martin and Anne set up the experiment, laughing at something one of them had said, a wave of sadness rolled over me and my heart rate picked up further, I’d have to go see a medic after this, I thought absently, I was starting to feel lightheaded. The door opened and I stepped through, drawing the attention of the others, whose smiles immediately faded when they saw me.
“Oh my GOD, Ryland,” Anne yelled, running over to me with Martin close behind looking equally panicked, “What HAPPENED?”
I looked at them, confused, “What?”
“Call a medic!” Martin nodded and ran out of the room as fast as his legs could carry him, I was still confused.
“What?” I asked again, hoping to prompt an answer, but it only seemed to prompt her to shout after Martin, “Tell them I think he’s in shock!”
Her tone was quieter, but no less shaky when she told me to lay down, I wanted to tell her I was fine, but the lightheadedness had returned, and I felt her catch me as I fell, gingerly lowering me to the floor.
I didn’t remember much more than glimpses after that- Martin returning with the medics, being asked questions I didn’t know the answers to.
I caught snatches of conversation as well while I was rushed somewhere.
“-Burns-”
“-is whole arm-”
“-o to his room, see if you can find out what happ-”
“-Ammonia?-”
I latched onto that one, what did ammonia have to do with this? I hadn’t been working with ammonia, heck, I didn’t even know if we had any on board!
But I HAD been working near ammonia, hadn’t I? Rocky needed it to brea-
Who the hell was Rocky?
Another vivid image flashed in my mind, we’d been spinning out of control in Adrian’s orbit- our fuel had been migrating to the planet. The centrifugal forces must have been creating at least 6g of gravity- something had shattered. I’d pulled him through the ship, hadn’t I? I’d had to expose myself to his superheated atmosphere to get him back inside it, but it had worked, right? The last thing I remembered was calling for the medical robot, the ammonia in my lungs making it a miracle I even got the words out.
If I wasn’t losing my mind and those were the injuries I was facing, then how the hell had I not noticed?
Anne had said it herself, I realised- I was in shock, my body wasn’t letting my brain register the pain.
That was the why, next came the HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING- excuse my language.
I must’ve gone back in time, physical body and all. It was the only explanation that made any amount of logical sense- these injuries would be sustained in years and years time, in the depths of space. Logic wasn’t going to be any use here, probably best to just roll with it and see what happens.
or
This was a dream. That would make sense- I’d just sustained a horrible injury and inhaled ammonia, of course my brain was getting a little funky with things. I’d probably wake up back on the Mary, where I could make sure that Rocky was ok.
I heard a voice- that was good, that was probably the ship greeting me with its usual monotone, ‘Good morning, Dr. Grace’, but I couldn’t make out the words. I tried to speak, my lungs still hurt slightly but at least they were working, I frowned when another voice spoke, this one didn’t sound like Mary, and it certainly wasn’t Rocky. I could hear what this one said.
“I think he’s waking up, look, he’s trying to speak.”
I managed to open my eyes, the shock and adrenaline had all but worn off, my whole body ached. I tried to speak again, but to no avail. When my eyes landed on Stratt, my first instinct was panic, then relief, then confusion. My brain was muddling up the two versions of Stratt I knew, the one who I respected, who I might go so far as to call a friend, and the one that had drugged me and sent me to my death. It seemed impossible that they were the same person, but maybe they weren’t- I definitely wouldn’t say I was the same person I used to be.
“Ryland.” I flinched when she spoke, my heartbeat went up. “Can you try and speak?”
I tried to say ‘what do you think I’ve been doing?’ but it didn’t work, so I breathed and managed to say, “Yes.”
My arm was in bandages, I noticed, it must be covered in burns up to the shoulder, I winced at the thought.
“Do you remember what happened? Dubois and Shapiro told me you came to the lab like this, and there was no evidence of anything that might have caused it anywhere on the ship.”
If this was a dream then nothing I said would matter.
Please let it be a dream.
“I’m from the future and I needed to put my alien friend Rocky back in his atmosphere that’s roughly four hundred degrees and ammonia.”
She raised her eyebrows and directed her attention towards someone I assumed to be a medic, “Have we done a scan to make sure there’s no brain damage?”
“Yes, his brain’s fine, and we couldn’t see any evidence of a concussion.”
Stratt looked back down at me, “Hmm, what did you say about ammonia?”
I could think clearer now, and speaking was less difficult, “He lives in twenty- nine atmospheres of ammonia.”
“Your… alien friend? From the future?”
“Yes.”
She paused, like she was thinking about something, then said with a commanding tone, “Everyone out, I want to talk to him alone. That includes you, Mel.”
Mel must’ve been the medic by my side, I thought, until I registered the rest of what she said, noticing for the first time the small crowd of people around my bed.
“Why are they here?” I asked
“Believe it or not, Ryland, people here care about you.”
Once everyone had filed out, I was alone with Stratt, and I probably would have bolted if I wasn’t hooked up to several machines, and there was still the naive, young part of my brain that trusted her.
“Do you really believe what you’re saying?”
“Yes. It wasn’t a dream and I’m not crazy, I know what happened.” I tried to make my tone defiant.
“Well, you have more injuries than just burns, Ryland, being exposed to extreme temperatures of ammonia doesn’t explain the bruised ribs or the cuts on your face. What else happened?”
“…You believe me?”
“I believe that you believe what you’re saying, and right now, it’s the only thing that could have caused these specific injuries, so tell me, what else happened?”
“Fishing trip from hell.”
“I’m not sure I follow.”
“We needed to get into Adrian’s atmosphere to try and get a sample of the predator, it ripped a hole in the fuel tanks and the fuel started to migrate, being crushed against a broken screen at 6g probably wasn’t too good for my face or ribs,”
Her eyes widened slightly, “You were in space? Why?”
“There was an incident nine days before launch, a problem with the measurements, DuBois and Shapiro were in the building when it exploded.”
She nodded solemnly, “You’re the tertiary science officer.”
“I know.”
The silence seemed to stretch an eternity, she seemed to be thinking over everything I’d said, probably deciding whether or not I was going crazy.
“What is something that you’d only know if you were really from the future?”
“You were in a youth choir, you told me a few days before launch. You have access to a french drug that causes amnesia, you used it on me before sending me to die.”
“I hoped I would never have to use it,” she whispered, seemingly to herself, “I hoped that you would have agreed.”
I shook my head, “I’m a coward, Stratt. You know that. Everyone does. I was never going to say yes.”
“But you’re not a coward now, are you? How many times did you risk your life during that ‘fishing trip from hell’ as you called it?”
“I had to do an EVA in gravity to get the sample collector.”
“Is that something a coward would have done, Ryland?”
“I guess not.”
Her posture stiffened, “Did you say predator, before?”
“Oh yeah, we think there’s a predator to astrophage in Adrian's atmosphere, that's why Tau Ceti isn’t dimming, it keeps the population in check.”
“Did you find it?!”
“I don’t know, I woke up here before I got a chance to check!”
“Then find a way to go back!”
“If I knew how to go back, I would have done it by now.”
“That’s why I said find one, that’s an order. And don’t start telling people about the whole ‘time travel’ thing, we need them to think you’re sane.”
“Uh, excuse you, I'm very sane!"
I heard her leave the room, allowing Mel back inside to check on me. The bed felt really comfortable underneath me, and before I knew it, I was falling asleep.
I woke up still in the infirmary, so it wasn’t going to be a clean ‘fall asleep here and wake up back there’ kind of thing. I groaned.
Stratt must’ve given some excuse to everyone else, because no one asked about where my injuries had come from when they visited, no matter how curious they looked. I’d accumulated quite the collection of handmade get well cards by lunch time, I was still looking at them in slight disbelief when the door opened and Stratt walked in with a sandwich.
“Anything?”
“Nothing,” I sighed, “I really hope this isn’t permanent.”
“It’d better not be,” she agreed.
Things were very awkward between us, she was clearly used to the point in our relationship where we’d been close, so it was going to take a while for her to get used to my distrust. She handed me the sandwich, I hadn’t realised just how much I’d missed proper earth food until I took my first bite, it was the best thing I’d ever tasted, I didn’t even care what was in it.
The next few days passed similarly, the medics were very good at what they did, my healing was going great, but I was starting to get worried. What if it really was permanent, what if I was waiting for something that was never going to come?
I needed to see Rocky, I needed to make sure he was ok, or at least alive, after what had happened. I’d managed to get him into the airlock, but would it be enough?
I guessed I’d never know.