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PC: Today we’re sat with the Head of the Petrova Task Force, Dr. Eva Stratt.
ES: I’m not a doctor.
PC: Sorry, Professor Eva Stratt—
ES: Not… I’m not a Professor. Just call me Stratt.
PC: So, Dr. Stratt—
ES: [she looks into the camera]
PC: —our sun is currently being eaten alive at this very moment by hungry little aliens called…astrofagay, is that correct?
ES: Astrophage—is an alien microbe that is currently growing on the surface of our sun, as well as many others across what we’ve discovered and are calling The Petrova Line. It’s like a mold or an algae, and it will consume the surface of the sun if we don’t find a way to stop it. If this happens, temperatures will drop catastrophically low and we will face a mass extinction of all life on Earth.
PC: I hear you’ve been granted total immunity from the law by the United Nations to do anything it is you need to keep this from happening.
ES: This is true.
PC: In Devon, Connecticut, it is illegal to educate dogs. Is this something that you think would be covered by that immunity?
ES: …I don’t see how doing so would help our mission in any way…I don’t think I’d do that.
PC: You don’t think an educated canine unit might be helpful to the cause?
ES: Dogs have nothing to do with it. No. We are not even in Connecticut.
PC: There have been several dogs throughout history who have contributed a lot to scientific research—take Laika and Trouve. You don’t think your mission could be one of them?
ES: Who is Trouve.
PC: Alexander Graham Bell had a terrier called Trouve. He would make it like Trouve was talking by adjusting his jowls while he growled. He taught him to say [doing her best impression of a speaking dog] ”How are you, Grandmama?”
ES: [she glances around the room]
PC: He went on to invent the telephone.
ES: Why are we talking about dogs?
PC: Well, you asked.
ES: I didn’t.
PC: What are some ways you’ve used that immunity, if I may ask?
ES: You may not.
PC: [she nods] If I had total immunity from the law, I think I’d download everything there is to download, that way I wouldn’t need Netflix or Hulu anymore.
ES: [shoots an uneasy glare at the camera]
PC: You said astro-fah-gee—
ES: Astrophage.
PC: Astrofagey—
ES: It’s called astrophage.
PC: That’s what I said.
ES: It’s not.
PC: You said astrofogy—
ES: [she takes a deep breath]
PC: —could cause a mass extinction event if it consumes the surface of our sun. Do you think anything would survive that?
ES: The mass extinction event? No.
PC: What about something that lives in really cold temperatures already—penguins for example?
ES: No. The penguins would die.
PC: All of them?
ES: All of them.
PC: What can we do to keep this from happening?
ES: Right now, we have a team—headed by our lead scientist Dr. Ryland Grace—working around the clock studying the properties of astrophage to learn as much as we can about it.
PC: Have you ever thought of building a new one?
ES: …A new what?
PC: A new sun.
ES: This is impossible.
PC: Is it “impossible”, or is it an issue with how much it would cost?
ES: We cannot build a new sun.
PC: “Cannot” or—
ES: We can’t do that.
PC: It’s terrible, isn’t it?
ES: It’s—yeah.
PC: [she nods silently, looking down at her hands]
ES: Okay. Is this—Are we done?
PC: So if the ay-stra-gefy—
ES: Yes, it’s—we’re done. Thank you. [she stands, looking around the room before making her exit]
PC: Well there you have it, folks. Dr. Eva Stratt hates dogs.