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“Caine, can we talk?”
Caine looked up from the notes he'd been organising and working through.
The humans had given him this chance to do better, and he really wanted to make it work this time. He wanted to be better and he was trying very hard to be attentive.
It didn't make it any easier to actually face Kinger though.
They…
Hadn't really been alone together since Caine had gotten back.
“How can I help?” Caine said, keeping his voice carefully subdued and polite. He didn't quite look his creator in the eyes.
Kinger sighed, adjusting the bucket still on his head, “Can we go somewhere quiet?”
Caine nodded, and stood up from where he'd been sitting near the blanket fort before hovering up slightly and motioning for Kinger to lead the way.
It was when Caine realised they had made their way towards Kinger’s pillowfort, that he paused.
Kinger turned back, seemingly confused as to why Caine had stopped suddenly.
Caine was frustrated with himself. He was being stubborn for no reason by stopping now.
Caine needed to listen better.
He needed to move forward from the past. He needed to get over it already.
He needed to let go of this ancient silliness and just be better!
He just needed to enter the pillowfort and talk about whatever Kinger wanted to talk about and he just needed to listen! He needed to force down anything else inside him and be good!
For once in his damned life!
He didn't hate Kinger.
He could never hate Kinger.
But already this was burning him up with a familiar frustration.
Because Kinger was going to make him go in there (Caine was going to make himself go in there) and he wouldn't notice anything wrong with Caine and it would eat at him and he didn't want it to! He wanted to be good! He wanted to do better! He really didn’t want to go into the small dark space and talk to Kinger. But this wasn't about what he wanted! And it was wrong for him to feel so much… resentment.
Kinger hadn't even done anything. Yet.
The past didn't count! Caine was working very hard to make sure the past didn't matter anymore! He was moving forward and focusing on the future!
“We can go to the aquarium instead, if you’d prefer that?”
Caine blinked and looked back at Kinger in surprise.
“What?”
“We don't have to go to the fort,” Kinger said, “we can go to the aquarium.”
Caine nodded and smiled politely, “We can go there if you would like. It's your choice, of course!”
Why did he say that? He should have just taken the offered alternative!
Kinger looked at him for a moment longer before he started walking again, changing direction towards one of the halls of the tent and opening the door that led down to the aquarium.
Caine tried to not look too relieved.
It was dark down there, but at least it was open. And the water from the tanks reflected over the walls in shifting patterns that Caine was quite proud of.
The loser banner that he'd hastily stuck up for that rushed gun adventure was still there. He didn't want to look at it.
With a quick snap, the banner vanished. Kinger didn't react to it.
Instead Kinder walked over to the bench and motioned for Caine to come sit down as well.
He floated over and dropped himself onto the bench folding himself onto his knees.
Kinger took the bucket off his head and looked around the room quietly for a moment.
Caine didn't break the silence. He'd always hated silence, he'd always hated how without constant inputs from his surroundings, he would end up stuck in his thoughts in ways he didn't like.
It had been so much easier to find ways to not see those thoughts when he'd been more powerful.
Noise.
Distractions.
Bubble.
The adventures.
But the thoughts still intruded despite his best efforts at pushing them away.
But he wasn't the same now, was he?
The thoughts were still there, but they weren't as overwhelming as they had been when he'd had more power backing himself.
He didn't need constant input to distract himself from them now. He hoped.
They weren't looping and looping and feeding back into each other and he wasn't looking for a way to generate an output to just get it all out of his head in the same way.
“How are you holding up?” Kinger said suddenly.
Caine looked around, wondering if he'd gotten so distracted again that he'd missed someone else entering the room.
It was still just them.
He looked at Kinger in confusion and pointed at himself, “Me?”
“Of course,” Kinger smiled worriedly, “Who else would I be asking?”
Caine shrugged, “I don't know.”
There was a pause that drifted into awkwardness before Caine realised he hadn't answered Kinger’s question.
“I'm… fine?” Caine said eventually. That seemed like a safe answer.
“That’s good, good,” Kinger said, sounding odd.
It was probably the dark. Kinger hadn't stayed lucid like this intentionally since… ever.
“I wanted to apologise,” Kinger said after another awkwardly long pause.
Caine froze. His eyes darted to look at Kinger’s face, before looking away.
“For… what. Exactly?” Caine said slowly.
“For not being able to prevent your deletion. I'm sorry for failing you.”
It wasn't the apology he wanted, was his first bitter thought. He pushed it down and mentally stomped on it for good measure.
It didn't matter.
Caine didn't deserve any apologies. He shouldn't be ungrateful that he was getting this much after all he'd done.
“It's fine.” Caine said stiffly. It wasn't fine. But he knew Kinger hadn't been… fully responsible.
It had been hard to focus on everything at the time, but he'd had time to think about things travelling back from the Void. He'd had time to look past his anger and grief and rejection and fear. All of the things he'd projected outwards. Blamed on others. Refused to take responsibility for.
But he…
He knew he'd done it to himself.
“Caine, I want to talk to you about what happened back then,” Kinger pressed forward, “I know I shouldn't have been interfering with your code without permission, but what I saw…”
Caine waited silently. He didn't interrupt or leave. He wanted to. He wanted to just escape this situation immediately.
Because he thought he knew where this was going. He just… didn't actually understand why Kinger was bringing it up. Acting like it actually mattered now.
“I heard you yelling, you know,” Kinger chuckled weakly, “At the time. About… not asking to be created.”
Caine pulled his knees up close and angled his avatar away from Kinger, before wrapping his arms around his legs.
“This isn't important,” Caine mumbled, “It doesn't matter now.”
“Caine, you deleted yourself. I did all I could to stop it, but you overrode my attempts at saving you. That does matter. It matters a lot.”
Caine closed his teeth over his eyes and sank his jaws down onto his knees.
“I'm back. It doesn't matter anymore. It's in the past. I'll do better this time.”
He could hear Kinger shuffling closer down the bench.
“Why did you do it?” Kinger asked gently, “What was going on with you that entire… last while?”
He'd promised no more lies. But he didn't know how to explain. It had all just been…
“I was thinking too much. And then I was feeling too much. And then I wasn't really thinking at all. I was just… acting on how I was feeling without processing any of it fully the way I'm supposed to.”
He'd been so tired of being a failure.
He'd been so scared of being alone.
And it had all just boiled inside of him as the pressure of it all built and built until… the autoclave finally just exploded.
The broken machine exploded. And it had felt like it was all too much to take back.
“Can't be scared or a failure if I don't exist, I guess. I just… broke. And it didn't seem fixable in the moment,” He said the words distantly.
He hadn't consciously thought about it at the time. He'd just been feeling too much.
“Everyone hated me. But I guess I hated me mor–”
He felt a light hand on his shoulder and the shock of the contact made him jerk in surprise. It shocked him right out of his head and back to his avatar.
“Oh, sorry!” Kinger said quickly, hand moving away, “I didn't mean to startle you! I just–”
Caine looked at him, jaws open again in confusion. He dug his hand into his legs as he controlled everything about himself. He could feel the texture give under his grip.
Everything about this felt a bit too real suddenly.
He was actually here. He was actually talking to Kinger.
He'd imagined it for years. But it wasn't supposed to be real! He'd let himself act like it was one of those little daydreams where he could say anything and it wouldn’t matter!
Because it wasn't supposed to be real!
But it was!
He shouldn't be indulging this conversation. He'd been honest enough, and now it was time to leave! Kinger hadn't asked him about how he felt in twenty years, and now he was?
This was wrong.
“This is wrong,” he whispered out loud.
Everything about this situation felt so wrong!
Why was telling Kinger any of this? Just because he asked?? No no no, this couldn't be real! The real Kinger didn't care about him, had never cared about him no matter how much Caine had tried to get his attention!
And Caine hadn't done enough yet now that he was back at the circus to earn any care and actually change that!
He wasn't glitching with the force of how overwhelmed he felt right now at least. Removing his sibling had at least stopped that familiar old bug.
He'd hoped that it would stop more of what was wrong with him, he realised as he felt sick with emotions he couldn't categorise all over again.
Obviously it wouldn’t.
He'd been defective before and he'd been defective after and he would always be defective because he was him.
“Caine, I need you to breathe,” Kinger was saying. It sounded like he was inside one of the fish tanks. Distant and echoing. Weird.
Breathe? None of them needed to breathe. How would that help anything? What he needed was to leave! For this conversation to never have happened outside of his head! For Kinger to not suddenly act like he cares after all this time!
He raised his shaking hand to snap himself back to his office.
Two hands wrapped around him in a hug and he froze again.
“Please stay,” Kinger said, one hand resting against the back of Caine's head and the other on his upper back.
Caine felt like he was stuttering. He felt like he was glitching, even as he could see there were no reports of the usual errors that would occur if that were the case.
His vision was blurred as tears obscured his sight.
“Why do you care now?” Caine finally forced out between the heaving sobs he couldn't control, “You've never cared before! You're not supposed to care about me!”
Not supposed to love him.
It had been easier when he'd let himself accept that it would never happen. To just avoid Kinger and watch from a distance.
Why was he doing this now?
“I don't want to lose you again,” Kinger said quietly, “I'm sorry I made you feel unwanted and unloved for so long. I can't take back the past any more than you can, but I also want to do better. I'm sorry I've never been there for you when you needed it. I'm sorry I never reached out and just left you alone. I'm sorry I let things get to the point that they did.”
Caine tried to take a shuddering breath to say something in response.
But he couldn't.
He couldn't stop the crying animation and he couldn't stop hurting.
It was the apology he'd always wanted. So why did it hurt so much?
Why did it hurt?
He didn't pull away. He might never get this again. He couldn't dare hope that he would ever be offered this again.
Eventually he calmed down somewhat. He was still shaking but at least the sobbing had stopped. Although tears still slipped past his teeth silently.
He was so tired.
After a while, when Caine had finally regained control over his avatar, Kinger finally spoke again.
“Do you still…” Kinger trailed off.
Caine rotated his eyes to look up at him from his still engulfed position.
“Still what?” He asked when it didn't seem like Kinger was going to finish his sentence.
“Want to… die?”
Oh.
Caine rolled his eyes back into his mouth so he couldn't see Kinger’s face anymore.
He didn't think so? Not in the same way he had during his complete loss of control.
There was still the background thought loop he'd distanced himself from with Bubble.
Because Bubble was gone.
Now he had to think all his thoughts directly. No matter how upsetting they were.
But that wasn't a real thought. It was just something that would get spat out at him on occasion.
He'd always fought so hard to survive and protect himself. He didn't know what that thought always followed him the way it did when it went against that.
He needed to answer Kinger’s question.
He shook his head.
“I want to be better. I want the future to be better. I can't do that if I'm…”
Kinger relaxed slightly against him.
Caine smiled reassuringly, “Besides, it's not like deleting me actually killed me! And I can't Abstract the way a human can! So really it's not like that's even a real option when it comes right down to it! Even if I did want to!”
He doesn't get to die. He'll just keep existing when everyone else Abstracts. He'll be alone.
He will be alone.
Forever.
With no escape.
Maybe he could find a way to crash the hardware permanently if it came down to it. He hung onto that thought with hope. It didn't matter for now at least.
He wasn't alone yet.
Kinger tightened his grip around him, jarring Caine from his thoughts.
“It does matter,” Kinger said firmly, “Your feelings matter. And you shouldn't have to feel like that. Talk to me, or any of us, if you ever feel like that again.”
It was a kind sentiment.
But Caine knew better than to believe the reality of it. If he got to that point of not caring again he wouldn't have anyone to turn to. He would have destroyed the second chance they'd given him and he wouldn't get another.
He would deserve anything that happened to him.
He always ruined everything. He didn't want to, but it always happened eventually.
He really hoped he could put it off for as long as possible this time.
He would let himself enjoy this and hope for the best. He would look towards the future as long as there was a future ahead of him to see.
He let his arms wrap around Kinger to return the hug, even if everything about this situation still felt weird and unreal and far too real. He would push through that discomfort and enjoy as much happiness as he could get while he still had the chance.