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“And for victor by default is… Nokt!”
Lloyd failed.
“I’m sorry, Lloyd, you didn’t look well this morning, and you still don’t.”
Lloyd failed, badly.
The sensation of his powers draining from him, being ripped from the space between his ribs, torn from his very muscle fibers.
Lloyd failed, and his powers were gone.
“We haven’t lost yet. I’m still in. Teach me.”
But Lloyd failed.
“Lloyd?”
He failed, and he was no Wu, and he didn’t know how to teach Sora in such limited time. Knowing and teaching were two different things, and years of learning couldn’t be poured into a single afternoon.
“Lloyd.”
He failed himself, he failed the others, and he’d fail Sora, too.
“Lloyd!”
Lloyd jerked, startled, as chilly fingers wrapped around his wrists and tugged his hands away from his eyes. He’d been digging the heels of his palms into his eyes without realizing it, maybe in an unconscious attempt to ease the blooming pain in his skull. He blinked the stars away and focused on Zane.
“Ah, sorry, Zane, did you say something?”
“I was trying to get your attention, as you appeared to be both lost in thought and relatively distraught,” Zane replied. His eyes had an odd look to them, as if he was scanning Lloyd. He probably was.
“Sorry, I was just thinking.” Thinking about how he’d failed, how he’d always failed and would continue to fail. He’d fail Sora, too, tonight. It was just a matter of time. Lloyd let his eyes drift to her, where she stood and spoke to Jordana. He snorted.
A whole training session and the only useful thing he could come up with was “don’t try to be exactly like the other people who used this power.” A whole afternoon spent baking in the merciless sun while Sora pushed herself to improve. And that was all the progress they made. Anyone could tell Sora that. A toddler could. A worm could. A worm might have better wisdom, actually.
“Lloyd?” Zane’s voice broke through Lloyd’s thick, relentless thoughts. Zane’s voice sounded like he’d called Lloyd several times once more.
“Yeah?”
“I was just suggesting you rest while you have time, before the match tonight.”
“I don’t need rest, I need… uh…” Lloyd didn’t know what he needed, actually, but it wasn’t rest. He smothered a frustrated cry and screwed his eyes shut. Zane caught his hands before he could start rubbing at his face again.
“You’re quite flushed. Your body temperature is elevated from its normal baseline, and considering your healing injuries—”
“I’m not hurt!” the words spilled out before Lloyd could stop them. “I’m just sore, I have no injuries at all! It wasn’t fair that I got taken out earlier for injuries, because I don’t even have any!! And I don’t need rest, Zane, I was asleep for like, forever until this morning.”
Zane watched his outburst patiently, then nodded in acknowledgement. “I understand your frustration, Lloyd, but being in a coma and sleeping are two separate things. Your body still needs sleep to recover— and yes, you are injured. We would not have bandaged you if there was not a wound to bandage.”
Lloyd glared, maybe a bit petulantly, but he didn’t care how childish it seemed. He wasn’t in the mood to argue with Zane.
“Please allow me to at least escort you inside,” Zane tried. “I am certain Sora would benefit from rest before her battle as well, and you making a good example will encourage her to do so.”
Lloyd considered this for a second. It… it was probably a trap. Zane was good at making those sorts of traps. But he was also right, in a way. Sora had too much faith in him, and would follow his lead. And he’d already failed so badly, he should do one thing right… shouldn’t he?
“Fine,” Lloyd conceded at last. “Fine, I’ll go inside for a bit.”
Zane breathed out the nindroid-equivalent of a sigh of relief and shuffled forward to help Lloyd down from the stone half-wall he’d been perched on for the entirety of the training session. Lloyd had half a mind to kick him away, but that took effort, and Lloyd was so done with everything and just wanted it over with. He latched onto Zane’s arm and slid off the wall and to his feet. His knees, like the traitors they were, wobbled precariously beneath him. Ah, that’s right. He’d sat down there because his legs started feeling all hollow. He felt so off-kilter without his power. He’d been without it before but he’d forgotten how… naked and empty it made him feel.
Zane kept one hand clamped firmly on Lloyd’s arm as they shuffled down the road. He kept his eyes angled down. He knew it was probably paranoia, his strained brain torturing him as it loved to do, but he was too afraid to look up. Too afraid peoples’ eyes would be boring into him. They watched him as he was kicked out of the tournament earlier today— even though he wasn’t even hurt! They knew he failed. They saw him fail. They could probably smell it on him, too.
A wave of cold crashed into Lloyd and he startled, blinking as the sunlight abruptly cut away. They’d passed through a doorway, but it felt as though they’d just leapt through a portal. It was nice and cold and dim, and Lloyd only started realizing how hot he was when the heat left him. Sweat pooled in his every nook and cranny and glued the fabric of his gi to his skin.
“Would you like to lie down while I procure you fluids and a light meal?”
Lloyd, in fact, did not want to lie down. He did, however, recognize that he didn’t actually have a choice in the matter. Zane only phrased it like a question for his comfort. He grumbled, but sank onto his futon and slung a hand over his sweaty forehead. Glory, he was so sweaty. He only peeked his eyes out again when Zane didn’t move from his side, instead hovering almost uncertainly beside him. Zane was almost never uncertain.
“What, are you scared I’ll run away if you leave?” Lloyd bit out, narrowing his eyes at Zane.
Zane hesitated once more. “It… would not be the first time, if you did.”
Lloyd rolled his eyes so hard it hurt. His head already hurt. Wow, how pathetic is that— not even being able to roll your eyes properly? “I’m not a child anymore, Zane.”
“Physically, you are in fact, a young adult. However, due to the ‘Tea Incident,’ you have technically only existed by all means and outside the womb for—”
“Stop! I get it!” Lloyd wailed and rolled onto his stomach, jamming his pillow over his head. His sweaty head. He was going to melt and die because of all this sweat. He was so disgusting. “I won’t run, I promise. I can’t even walk straight right now; you saw.”
Zane still hesitated. Through the fluff of the pillow on top of Lloyd’s head, he heard the door slide open. A soft voice beckoned to Zane, and they exchanged a couple of words Lloyd couldn’t make out through the pillow. Then, for a moment, Lloyd was left alone. He shut his eyes, and felt as though he was on a very large swing, swaying back and forth massively, even though he knew he was lying quite still.
“Lloyd?” Zane appeared at his side again. “Would you like to clean yourself up a bit?”
How unfair. Zane always knew what everyone needed. Stupid perceptive nindroid-ness, or whatever the heck made him omniscient. Lloyd reluctantly tugged the pillow off his face and blinked his sticky eyes open, letting them adjust to the change in light. Zane had brought him a little pail of water with a rag hanging over the lip.
Lloyd pushed himself onto his elbows, then into a half-crouch over the bucket. He dipped his fingers in, and found the water blessedly cool, not too warm but not freezing either. He cupped some in his palm, lifted it, and smothered it onto his face. What a glorious feeling, cool, magical, life-bringing liquid that swept the sweat away. Lloyd scrubbed at his face, relishing the cool water, and allowed Zane to undo part of his gi and wipe down his arms. Slowly, all the sweat disappeared by his skin. Zane dug out a new gi from his bag. Lloyd felt a little more human with the blessedly clean fabric wrapped around him.
The door slid open just as Zane whisked the bucket away. Sora slipped through, balancing three plates and a million water bottles. Lloyd would be more impressed if he had the energy for it.
They all sat in the space between the futons to eat— Lloyd wasn’t about to have crumbs all over his blankets— but Lloyd mostly just pushed the food around on his plate.
“Lloyd, you should really eat,” Sora said beside him through a mouthful of rice. Lloyd jumped a little. He’d almost forgotten she was there, which as ridiculous, honestly. He didn’t want her to be there, either. He wasn’t in the mood for playing responsible-older-person, and he didn’t want her to see him in… whatever state this was.
But, of the two, the second sounded worse. So Lloyd straightened up and stuffed some tasteless rice into his mouth. He chewed mechanically and went to repeat the motion. Each bite grew harder to chew, each mouthful stickier and harder to swallow, but he forced it down anyway, because he was going to be a good example and not act like some dying child in front of Sora. He choked down the entire bowl of rice, and Zane gave him a (slightly patronizing) pleased look.
“Now, I advise you both to rest before tonight's events,” Zane said as he gathered up the bowls. Advise was a generous term for it, Lloyd thought, as he grudgingly flopped down on his futon, Sora trailing over to hers. “I trust neither of you will attempt to leave while I return the dishes to the dining hall?”
Lloyd gave a noncommittal thumbs up. The door slid open and closed again. Lloyd slung his arm over his eyes. His back ached, and he tried to ignore it as tendrils of sleep taunted the edge of his brain.
“Lloyd?” Sora whispered. Her voice echoed a little in the open room.
Lloyd couldn’t find it in him to form words. Maybe his tongue had already gone to sleep. “Hmm?”
“What—” Sora drew in a shuddering breath. “What if I fail tonight?”
And Lloyd was wide awake at that, flinging his arm off of his face. He turned to his side and scooted around until he could see her face. “Sora, you won’t fail tonight.”
“But what if I—”
“Lose?” Lloyd interrupted. “That’s not failing. The only way you can fail is if you lie down and let Nokt beat you without a fight.”
Sora contemplated that. “Still, I’ll lose all the powers…”
“Listen to me, Sora. Hey,” Lloyd prompted, waiting until she turned to face him, too. “You are still very new to all of this. You had never used most of those powers until earlier today, so the fact you can use them at all is really impressive. Even if you lose, we’ll figure something out. We’ve all been without our elemental powers before, you know.”
He’d just forgotten how much it hurt to have it torn from you. Wu always said it was harder for Lloyd because of the nature of his element. Something about it being attached to his life force, or something like that. He really should’ve listened to Wu a little more.
“Lloyd?” Sora whispered again, dragging him out of his thoughts. “I’m scared.”
“That’s okay,” Lloyd said before he even had to think about it. He remembered a lesson from Wu, one he did pay attention to, and desperately wished Wu could be the one to say it. Desperately wished Wu was still there, that Wu could teach Sora. Or teach him how to teach. “You can be scared and still be strong,” Lloyd said, remembering the words as they fell from Wu’s mouth. “Being afraid doesn’t make you a coward. Everyone’s afraid at some point. You just need to be brave against your fears, you know?”
Sora was quiet for a long time before finally replying. “Yeah, okay. You’re sure it will be okay if I lose?”
“It will be okay no matter what, as long as you do your best,” Lloyd promised. “Try not to think about it too hard, okay? Freaking out will only make things worse.”
“Okay,” Sora whispered. “Okay.”
“Get some sleep,” Lloyd said. He didn’t move from his position, curled up on his side and diagonal on his futon so he could see Sora. He watched her shut her eyes and hoped, sincerely, that she would get a little rest and wouldn’t freak out more than she needed to.
It was Lloyd’s fault she was so nervous in the first place. Lloyd had failed. The gaping hole of his elemental power mocked him, gnawed at his ribs. But… but the failure may not have been his fault, entirely. He couldn’t control being taken out of the fight. He hadn’t just rolled over and let Nokt have at him. He was fighting. He could’ve won.
Lloyd’s eyes drooped shut. He’d failed, but it would be okay. They always found a way to succeed in the end. Always. And they weren’t about to start now.