Chapter Text
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Ilya couldn’t hold back his laughter as Shane asked for the one-millionth time, “You don’t think we are instilling violence or like bad values.”
Shane nervously flicked through the radio stations on their short drive to the Pike household. In their backseat were two matching gift bags with 3 hot-pink laser gun sets in each. In a separate bag were bandanas, silly hats, and pink-and-green camo pajamas for everyone.
Ilya took one of his hands off the steering wheel and squeezed Shane’s knee.
“No!” Ilya laughed. “We are instil- install-” he paused trying to remember the word Shane used. “-we are installing fun.”
“By promoting gun violence?” Shane questioned flatly.
Ilya simultaneously flicked on the turn signal and the Jeep’s headlights. It was already getting dark at 4 pm.
“Yes. America has a lot, we should prepare them young, no?”
Shane swatted his shoulder. “Don’t even joke about that Ilya and this isn’t America.”
“Close enough.”
Shane ignored him and Ilya admired Shane’s cute pouty face as he furiously typed away on his phone.
“It is Rose?” Ilya asked, trying to sound as uninterested as possible.
“Mom and Dad,” Shane said and then looked up from his phone, “ and watch the road, not me!”
“I am watching the road. I am multitasking.” Ilya hummed.
He focused on the road more intently. He loved it how Shane always referred to his parents as Mom and Dad, and not my Mom and my Dad. It was easy for Shane: the concept of family and how to share them.
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And lose their minds they did.
He and Shane had only just pulled into the driveway when the porchlight flicked on. Ilya turned in his seat with the intention to kiss Shane one last time in the dark privacy of their car. Before he could, the front door opened and two blue blurs shot out the house and down the porch steps.
He could hear Jackie yelling something from the open door.
“Uncle Shane!”
“Uncle Ilya!”
Ilya hadn’t even opened his door all the way before a scrawny, curly-haired, pajama-clad six-year-old launched herself into the car and onto his lap. She hugged him so tightly that Ilya couldn’t actually tell which twin he had.
He looked over to see Shane receiving the same treatment. Both he and Shane laughed at their excitement.
“Privet!” Ilya shut the car door so the cold couldn’t get to them.
The girls immediately started talking over each other.
“We were watching the car on Mommy’s phone-”
“-and Frozen and Elf! it’s going to be so fun-”
“-on find my friends. I never had cream cheese frosting-”
“-and why aren’t you wearing pajamas?-”
Ilya immediately raised his voice when he saw the slightly panicked look on Shane’s face. “Okay, girls!” He winked at Shane. “One at a time, Uncle Shane is getting older and can’t hear well. We need to take turns and speak slowly.”
He said the word “slowly” like the sloth from Zootopia. Ssssslloooowlllyyyyy.
Ruby and Jade were immediately overtaken with giggles.
Ruby leaned back, her back against the steering wheel, and said, “Ooooookaaaaaayyyyyy.”
Shane gave them both a pointed look. “Very funny.”
The girls swapped places, climbing over the center console, to hug their other uncle.
Jade hugged him much more gently than her sister had. “Hi Uncle Ilya,” she said almost shyly.
Last time he and Shane were here they read “How the Grinch stole Christmas” to the kids at bedtime. He suddenly understood what it felt like for the Grinch’ heart to grow 3 sizes.
He and Shane somehow managed to carry both Pike girls, their overnight bag, and the gift bags in one go. The girls hadn’t thought to put on shoes when they sprinted out the door.
Jackie immediately unloaded his arms when he walked in the door.
She kissed him on the cheek and embraced him tightly. “Thanks for carrying in the gremlins and for coming. You must be exhausted from all the driving.”
“Not at all,” he told her. The little voice that told him he didn’t belong quietened.
He’d returned home from a road trip this morning where the centaurs lost 2 out of 3 of their away games. The losses, while still frequent, were becoming less gaping. They’d only lost by 1 goal instead of 4. He had breakfast with the team, stopped by Yuna and David’s to give Anya the quickest pet, and then packed up his car to drive to Shane.
Jackie held his arm a moment longer. “Still. I know you two get so little time together, but it means a lot that you were willing to spend a night and hang out in this chaos.”
“It is my favorite chaos.”
Hayden butted in, after hugging Shane, to give Ilya a handshake. “Rozanov,” he greeted stiffly.
“Hayden,” Ilya replied in a cheeky sing-song voice.
He went in to give him an annoying kiss on the cheek, but Shane intercepted immediately with a look that said stop antagonizing him. Ilya let himself be redirected before Hayden could recoil.
“Good to see you too,” Hayden deadpanned.
“It is always good to see me.”
“It really isn't.”
“You just said it was good to see me!”
“You’re insufferable.”
“I do not know this word. It means charming, yes?”
The exchange was so automatic that neither of them sounded particularly invested in the bickering.
Jackie rolled her eyes. “Five seconds,” she lamented, “you two have been in the same house for five seconds.”
“He started it,” Hayden defended.
Jackie sighed and shared a meaningful look with Shane. “Please break your diet to have wine with me,” She begged.
Surprisingly, Shane agreed immediately. After all, they were driving back home tonight.
The house itself felt warm enough to melt the November chill right out of Ilya's bones. The Pike house always did. It smelled like vanilla cake and laundry detergent and whatever candle Jackie had burning in the kitchen. Christmas decorations had already started invading every available surface despite it being weeks away. Paper snowflakes hung from the ceiling. A half-decorated tree stood proudly in the corner of the living room. Children's artwork covered the fridge in increasingly chaotic layers.
Ruby and Jade immediately resumed dragging Shane and Ilya deeper into the house.
“Come see the cake!” Ruby said excitedly.
Jade frowned and crossed her arms. “No, see the tree first!”
“No, cake!”
“The tree!”
The twins dissolved into an argument before either uncle could answer. Shane looked at Ilya and Ilya looked back at him.
“Cake?” Shane offered.
“Cake,” Ilya agreed.
The twins cheered. Their argument abandoned.
The kitchen island had been transformed into birthday central. There were still balloons floating near the ceiling despite the actual birthday being several days ago. A mountain of wrapping paper from previous celebrations sat stuffed into recycling bags near the back door.
The cake itself sat proudly in the center. Two layers. Blue frosting. Tiny edible snowflakes. "Frozen" figures arranged on top.
“Mommy made it,” Jade announced proudly.
“That’s why it’s a little lopsided,” Jackie admitted.
“It's perfect,” Ruby said firmly.
Shane wandered closer to inspect it. “It looks amazing.”
Jackie looked pleased. “Thank you.”
Meanwhile Ilya noticed something different. Both girls had their hair tucked carefully behind their ears. Tiny silver studs glittered beneath the kitchen lights.
“Oh!” He bent down to get a closer look.
Ruby messily lifted her hair to the top of her head. “LOOK!”
She shoved her ear approximately two inches from his eyeball.
Ilya crossed his eyes trying to focus on it. “Very beautiful.”
“I didn't even cry.”
“You absolutely cried,” Hayden called from across the room.
Ruby gasped. “I DIDN'T.”
“You cried before they even touched you.”
“Dad!”
The entire room laughed.
Jade covered her mouth while giggling.
“You cried too,” Ruby frowned.
“Only a little and that’s because I saw you go first.”
“You screamed.”
“I DID NOT.”
The twins immediately turned on each other.
Ilya found himself smiling. It felt strangely significant. The tiny earrings. The gap-toothed smiles. The way they were both trying so desperately to be grown up while still wearing matching Elsa pajamas. Six. Somehow they were six already. He wasn't even related to them and still felt emotional about it.
The evening settled naturally into the familiar Pike family rhythm. Everyone talking over one another and multiple conversations happened simultaneously. Children appeared and disappeared like tiny hurricanes when the adults took too long with dinner.
Ilya found himself helping Jackie carry drinks into the living room while Shane cuddled a sleepy Arthur who pointed at dinosaurs in his little encyclopedia.
Ilya could hear Hayden say he was going to put Arthur down, but Shane offered to do it instead. Arthur was a fussy toddler for everyone except Uncle Shane.
Ilya smiled to himself. Then he felt a pair of eyes on him. Hayden was staring at him intently from the couch. Watching and gauging him, not glaring exactly. Just observing, like a suspicious cat.
“What?” Ilya asked.
Hayden shrugged. “Nothing.”
“You are staring.”
“I’m not,” Hayden insisted.
Ilya hummed and Jackie settled into the couch next to Hayden.
Jackie looked at Ilya knowingly. “He’s so good with him. I wish he could drive over for bedtime every night.”
Ilya smiled. “He probably would if you asked.”
“He’ll be a great Dad.” Hayden said absent-mindedly and then caught himself.
Ilya felt his face heat up violently. Russians didn’t blush.
They were interrupted by the sudden reappearance of Ruby and Jade.
A few minutes later, Shane reappeared and passed the baby monitor to Jackie. He clapped his hands together and used his captain's voice. “Okay. You know what time it is!”
Ruby and Jade froze.
“Presents.”
The twins screamed and Ilya exchanged a glance with Shane. Time to unleash the chaos.
Shane passed the bags to the girls and sat on the couch’s arm right next to Ilya. Ilya brazenly pulled Shane onto his lap instead. If Jackie could put her feet in Hayden’s lap, then Ilya could hold Shane.
The girls practically ripped the bags in half and the pink shredded grass inside went everywhere. Hayden, nor Jackie, bothered to try and contain the mess.
“Just let it happen,” she told Shane who was trying to scoop up the pink grass as it was joyfully tossed out of the bags. “I've accepted my fate.”
The girls diligently read the cards that Shane had written and Ilya had signed. Jade was the first one to pull it out and realize what it was. A laser tag gun—
"Oh."
Ruby froze.
Jade froze.
Both girls stared into the matching gift bags Shane and Ilya had set aside.
The room went suspiciously quiet. Shane immediately looked nervous again. Ilya could practically see him second-guessing the purchase in real time. Maybe they are too violent. Maybe this sends the wrong message. Maybe children should receive educational puzzles.
Instead, the twins exploded:
“LASER GUNS?!”
The scream was so loud that Jackie checked the baby monitor. Thankfully, Arthur was a notoriously heavy sleeper in the beginning of the evening. With the white noise machine in his room, he could sleep through an end of the period horn going off outside his door.
“LASER GUNS!”
“LASER GUNS!”
Both girls began chanting.
Shane looked relieved.
Ilya felt smug and pulled Shane closer to whisper a “told you so” in his ear.
The girls had already dumped the bags’ contents onto the floor. The bright pink laser guns, six in total, with matching vests, and extra batteries.
Jackie groaned. “Oh god. We have to play too, don’t we?”
Ilya told the girls to grab the blue plastic bag from the kitchen. The collection of ridiculous accessories Shane and Ilya had found during a late-night shopping trip spilled onto the living room floor as well. Pink camouflage hats, Bandanas, and the pink-and-green camo pajamas.
Jade gasped at having solved a mystery. “This is why you didn’t wear pajamas!”
Both girls hugged them and said their excited thank yous.
Jade immediately put on three bandanas at once.
The girls were vibrating with excitement. “Can we play now?”
“Right now?”
“Please?”
“Please?”
“Please?”
“Pleeeeease?”
“Okay,” Hayden said.
The twins screamed again.
“BUT.”
The girls groaned dramatically.
“Everyone get changed and then we need teams.”
Now they looked interested. Immediately everyone started talking.
“I want Uncle Shane.”
“No, I want Uncle Shane.”
“I want Mommy.”
“No fair.”
“Can Arthur play?”
“Arthur is sleeping,” Jackie said confused.
Everyone changed and the team assignments became unexpectedly competitive. Ilya should have known better. The second children were involved, adults lost all dignity.
“I want Uncle Shane,” Ruby declared again.
“No! I want Uncle Shane,” Ilya argued jokingly.
Hayden put his arm around Shane. “I get Shane. He’s my best friend.”
Shane blush at the attention on him.
“Uncle Shane is my lover. I get Shane” Ilya declared.
Shane slapped him. “Ilya,” Shane hissed, “I told you to never say that again.”
Jade wrinkled her nose. “What’s wrong with lover? You love him Uncle Shane, don’t you?”
Ilya laughed and high-fived Jade. “See. She gets it.”
Hayden rolled his eyes. The girls continued negotiating.
Finally, Jackie took over and said the girls could pick the teams for the first few rounds and then they could swap around. The girls claimed that teams would be determined by whoever was standing to each person’s right. Jackie got Ruby. Shane got Jade.
Ilya ended up standing beside Hayden.
Both of them looked equally horrified.
“No.”
Hayden looked at the twins. “You did this on purpose.”
“We did not.”
“You absolutely did.”
Ruby smiled the smile of a child caught red-handed.
Jade wasn't much better. “Maybe a little.”
Hayden groaned. “I can't believe this.”
“Me neither,” Ilya agreed.
“Don't talk to me.”
The twins collapsed into laughter.
Shane was openly enjoying this too. Traitor.
“Listen,” Hayden said, pointing at him. “For three rounds, we are teammates. That is it and then, we are switching.”
Ilya looked at the finger and then looked at Hayden. “Okie, partner.”
“Don't call me that.”
“Partner? But you are my partner,” Ilya taunted cheekily.
Hayden's jaw visibly clenched. He lifted his gun and shot Ilya in the chest.
“You are already making us lose!” Ilya shot Hayden back three times.
Jackie was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes.
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The game spilled through the entire house. The Pike home transformed into a battlefield. Kids darted through hallways. Adults hid behind furniture.
Jackie got way too competitive. Shane proved alarmingly good at ambushes.
Jade wandered through the middle of everything completely unbothered, periodically shouting "PEW PEW." While Ruby tried and failed to be stealthy.
Christmas lights glowed softly in the windows. The tree sparkled in the corner. Outside, darkness had settled over the neighborhood. Inside, the house buzzed with warmth and laughter and the constant electronic chirping of laser guns.
For all his complaining, Hayden was actually a decent teammate. Annoyingly decent. He covered angles. Communicated. Didn't abandon him during ambushes.
The adults per usual were taking this far more seriously than the kids. Ilya and Hayden were dripping in sweat, while Jackie and Shane were red in the face. Ilya suspected Shane’s redness had more to do with the wine than the actual were running around. He and Jackie were adorably tipsy.
Twice he and Hayden managed to trap Shane and Jade behind the couch. The betrayal on Shane's face had been spectacular.
“ILYA!”
“Sorry!”
“You are not sorry!”
“Yeah, I’m not...”
“You suck!”
“Winning is winning.”
Then Shane shot him six times. Which, honestly, was fair.
A few minutes later, the round reset. He and Hayden devised a plan hiding between the counters in the kitchen. They could hear screeching from upstairs and immediately knew the two other teams were facing off in one of the bedrooms.
Ilya signaled and they bolted from their hiding spot, ready to join the final fight upstairs. Then, things went spectacularly wrong. It happened in an instant.
Fast.
Accidental.
The sort of thing nobody saw coming.
Ruby came tearing around the corner at full speed. Neither he or Hayden were expecting anyone down here. They’d assumed from the sounds that everyone was upstairs.
Hayden took the corner sprinting.
And they collided.
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The sound itself wasn't bad. Not a crash. Not a scream. Just the dull bump of two people accidentally running into each other.
Ruby bounced backward and ricocheted off Hayden.
Ilya immediately reached for her. “Whoa—”
For half a second, everything seemed fine. Then Ruby's hand flew to her ear. And her face crumpled. Every parent and non-parent knew that look. The split second before disaster.
“Shit,” Ilya breathed.
Ruby let out a howl. A full-body, heartbroken wail that echoed through the entire first floor.
Upstairs, laser guns still fired oblivious to the situation downstairs.
“Ruby?” Hayden was moving before the word was fully out of his mouth. Ilya’s stomach twisted at how guilty Hayden looked.
Ruby's eyes already filled with tears. “My ear!”
“Oh sweetheart.” Hayden looked horrified.
Ruby pulled her hand away. A tiny smear of blood glistened on her fingers.
He and Hayden collectively sucked in a breath. Not because it was a lot. It wasn't. Barely more than a drop, but blood plus six-year-old plus fresh ear piercing equaled catastrophe.
Ruby's crying doubled in volume. “It HUUUUURTS.”
Ilya and Hayden became actual teammates.
“I know, baby.” Hayden said softly as he carried her to the kitchen. He placed her on the kitchen island.
Ilya was already moving to retrieve an ice-pack. Hayden told him where to grab the disinfectant from the first aid box under the sink.
“Let me see.”
“No!”
“Okay, okay.”
“No touching!”
“I'm not touching yet,” Hayden reassured her.
“No touching EVER.” The declaration dissolved into fresh sobs. “EVER.”
Hayden looked moments away from crying himself.
“MY EAR IS RUINED.”
“Your ear isn't ruined,” Hayden assured her.
Ilya stood at Hayden’s side. “Ruby, you know what this means?”
“What?” She said, lips quivering. Tears rushing down her face.
“You can now be a pirate!”
Confusion suddenly washed over her face. “What?” She asked a little petulant, like ‘how dare he interrupt my crying.’
“You can now be a pirate. We remove the ear and get a bird.” Ilya told her.
Hayden took the paper towel and dabbed at her ear while Ilya distracted her.
Ruby narrowed her eyes and she nasally told him off. “Uncle Ilya. Pirates have missing eyes! Not missing ears!”
Ilya crossed his arms and leaned calmly against the counter. Ruby twisted to face him, allowing her ear to be fully exposed towards Hayden.
“You are wrong. They all have missing ears.”
“Why would their ears be missing? You’re so silly,” She said incredulously.
Ilya scoffed. “That’s why they only have one earring. Why would their eyes be missing? Then, they couldn’t drive the boats!”
“Sail,” Ruby corrected, “then, they wouldn’t be able to sail the boat!”
“Ah see. I was right!”
Ilya caught Hayden’s look, who mouthed a very grateful thank you as he held the ice pack to her ear.
A few moments passed and everyone tilted their heads up at the sound of things crashing around upstairs.
“I can’t believe they're still playing up there,” Ilya mused and wiped the sweat from his hairline. It was rare for Shane to let loose like this and rare for Jackie too.
“Only you could successfully annoy my kids into no longer crying.”
Ruby laughed.
“I'm improvising.”
“Clearly.”
Meanwhile, Ilya had moved closer, not because Hayden asked.
“Can I see?” Ilya asked gently.
Ruby considered. Then nodded. Barely.
He leaned down to inspect.
The earring looked crooked. Not horribly, but just enough that it had probably gotten tugged when they collided. Poor kid, no wonder it hurt. Her earlobe was bright red and swollen.
“I think the earring needs to come out,” Hayden said quietly.
Ruby immediately burst into fresh tears.
“No!”
“Just for a minute.”
“No!”
“Then we can clean it.”
“No!”
“Then put it back.”
Ruby looked suspicious. “You promise?”
“Promise.”
She looked at Ilya and then Hayden like she was conducting a trustworthiness survey. Finally she nodded. One tiny nod. “Okay.”
The room relaxed slightly.
“Thanks, Rubes,” Hayden said.
“You're being very brave.” Ilya told her.
Hayden washed his hands and Ilya took over holding the ice pack. The whole operation somehow felt strangely practiced. Ilya thought that this must be what parenting was like; responding to one tiny emergency after another.
“Ready?” Hayden asked.
Ruby immediately shook her head, lip quivering.
“No.”
“Me neither,” Hayden admitted.
Ilya laughed hard. That had been unexpectedly truthful.
“Dad!” Ruby exclaimed
“Sorry.”
It earned Hayden the tiniest laugh from her.
Hayden moved carefully and slowly. He talked the whole time, keeping her distracted and explaining every step. Ilya stepped back and watched him work. He’d never seen a father act like that before. He watched Ruby cling to his arm and the gentle way he steadied her head. Ilya watched him reach for the earring. It had him thinking of his father and how he would’ve…
Suddenly, for absolutely no reason—
A vivid image flashed into Ilya's head. A tiny six-year-old sitting in a piercing chair. Someone holding a needle. The sharp point pressing through soft skin. Ruby crying. Jade crying. Tiny ears. Tiny faces. Needles piercing soft, unblemished skin.
Something unpleasant twisted in his stomach which was weird because needles didn't bother him. At all. He got blood drawn constantly, vaccines, IVs, whatever. He never ever cared, but the image stayed.
Needle.
Little kid.
Needle.
Little kid.
He swallowed. The kitchen suddenly felt warmer. Too warm. Hayden was still talking. Ruby was still sniffling. But their voices sounded farther away now. Muted. Like he was hearing them through a wall. The lights seemed brighter.
Ilya’s stomach dropped. A cold sweat broke across the back of his neck. He felt… weird. Really weird. He shifted his weight and Immediately regretted it.
The floor tilted.
“Ilya?” Hayden’s voice loomed close and concerned.
“I am okay,” he replied automatically.
Except he wasn't. The edges of his vision had started doing something strange like they were closing in. He reached out for the counter and tried to grip the marble with slippery fingers.
Hayden was looking directly at him now. The concern on his face seemed disproportionate. Then Ilya realized why: he was probably pale as a ghost.
“Huh.” The word came out weak. “I think—”
The sentence never finished.
His vision closed in all at once.
And the last thing Ilya registered before everything disappeared was Ruby hopping off the counter and Hayden moving toward him.