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The first thing I notice, as usual, is the taste. That familiar mixture of sour and umami you only get after going days—weeks—without brushing your teeth. I can’t remember the last time I brushed my teeth. I stopped caring about hygiene after the fourth or fifth time through, stopped doing anything in the shower more than simply letting the scalding water wash over me. It’s not like it mattered. I had no desire to keep up appearances, be presentable. All I ever needed was efficiency.
Efficiency might be the wrong word, actually. Efficiency implies positive outcomes, something gained. And I know I didn’t succeed this time. The last thing I can remember is Madoka making the contract. I can’t seem to recall what her wish was, but that doesn’t matter. I passed out from the blood loss before I could activate my shield again. I’ve regained consciousness, which means I’ll need to get back to work.
I don’t even bother opening my eyes. I just raise my arm and flip my wrist to reverse the flow of sand.
Odd. Nothing seems to be happening. I then notice, with a start, that I can’t feel my shield.
I’m lucid within milliseconds. I bolt upright, eyes open, taking in my surroundings.
Building. No, house? House. Couch. Blanket. Get rid of blanket. No shield. No uniform. Soul Gem? Ring. Still on finger. Good. Lights off. Open window. Sun out. Next day? Must be next day. Table. Chairs. Food. Smell food. Food on table. Abandoned? No, person. Person standing. Pink hair. Pink eyes. No, yellow eyes. Smiling. Madoka. Madoka? Madoka… Madoka?
I croak. “Ma… Madoka…?”
She gasps. “Homura! You’re awake!” She rushes over in a flash and kneels before the couch. She’s smiling. Really smiling. When was the last time I saw… “Sorry, you’ve been out since yesterday! I didn’t wanna wake you up myself, you seemed so exhausted.”
I can barely think. “But… Blood, my— my leg—”
“Don’t worry about that, you’re all better now! See?” Madoka gestures to my lower body, to which I shift my gaze. My legs are… fine. No visible injury at all. How…
“Where— How— Where— What… happened… What…”
“Don’t worry, I’ll explain in a minute. Why don’t you eat something first? You’re hungry.”
I am hungry. Madoka guides me over to the table and sets me down in front of a plate of food. It’s just toast with jam, some cherry tomatoes and a glass of orange juice. Nothing fancy. It looks so, so good.
Madoka grins sheepishly. “Sorry it’s a little boring, but it’s not good to have a super big meal after not eating for a long time. I promise I’ll—” I cut her off by tearing into my food with a primal hunger I don’t think I’ve ever felt. It’s all gone in ninety seconds flat. “Oh! Maybe I should’ve made more!”
I gasp as I down the remains of the juice. “No, it’s— it’s fine. It’s good. Can we— Can you—”
“Slow down, slow down. I’ll explain.” Madoka pulls out an adjacent chair and sits down. She squarely faces me, an apologetic smile on her face. “Okay, so, don’t get mad, but…” She leans in a little, glancing away. “I might have made a contract with Kyubey.” My eyes go wide, and I suck in a quick breath. Madoka raises her hands placatingly. “Wait! Wait. I told you not to get mad, remember? Listen, um, just let me explain this. I promise everything is okay, seriously.” I feel my face relax ever so slightly, and Madoka takes that as a cue to continue. “So, a couple days ago, Kyubey tried to make a contract with me. You, uh, shot him. Before he could. B-But anyway, before you did, he told me that if I made a contract, I would be the most powerful magical girl on record. Said I would be the most powerful being on the planet. And I… asked him, if I would be strong enough to change Sayaka back. From— From being a witch. And he said that it would be child’s play, for me. That I would be like… a god. And, that didn’t— It didn’t sound so bad. At the time.” She pauses, then, seemingly debating on how to phrase the next part. “So… yesterday, when you were fighting the, um, the big witch, and I came to help, and I made a contract right before you passed out, um. That’s what I… wished for. To be… to be a god. So, um. That’s… kinda what I am now.” She grimaces. “Well, not really a god, more like… the God. I’m, uh, kind of all-powerful, now. I think. So… Yeah...”
My eyes are wide in disbelief. “You… You’re really— You’re… What did you…” Madoka leans back, scratches the back of Her head. She looks almost embarrassed.
“Well, for starters, I got rid of witches. All of them. The big one you were fighting, and every other one that was in the world. And then, um… I brought Sayaka back. And Mami, and Kyoko. They were… They were surprised. But I explained everything, or, well, I tried. I think they’re all still a little confused, but— but they’re okay, and that’s what matters.” She pauses for a second. “And then, I was… I was kind of mad. At… At Kyubey. So I, uh, killed him. And all of his little copies. I wasn’t— wasn’t thinking super straight. But before I did, I told him that I could, uh, create extra energy, and stuff, so entropy would go down. I’m not actually sure how exactly it works, but he seemed satisfied with that.” A light blush dusts Madoka’s features. “And then, um.” Her voice raises in pitch. “I’m sorry, but I got kind of curious after you told me about all the time travel stuff, so I, uh, kind of went and looked through all the other timelines, and, y’know, saw everything. Sorry if that’s an invasion of privacy, but you sounded, um, you sounded really hurt. And tired. When you told me about it. So I wanted to know what you went through, y’know? I hope… I hope you can forgive me…” For a good thirty seconds, I just look at Her.
I let out a trembling breath. “Do you… You mean it’s… it’s over? It’s finally… It’s—” My vision gets blurry.
Madoka inhales sharply. “Oh— Gosh, yeah, I’m— I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have hit you with so much at once. I should’ve— Ugh.” Madoka shakes Her head before pulling me towards Her. I’m too shocked, too confused, too tired to react as She snakes Her arms around me, rests my head on Her shoulder, touches my back, touches my hair, touches me at all. “Yes. It’s over. Everything’s gonna be okay. I’m safe. We’re all safe. You don’t have to fight anymore. We’re gonna— We’re gonna be okay. I promise. I promise.”
I think I just about split in two, cracking open like a faultline under Madoka’s touch. The cynical part of me, the part of me that fought so hard for a day it thought it would never see, is disbelieving. This can’t be happening. It shouldn’t be happening. Because if it all really was this easy, if Madoka could’ve done this at any moment, then why have I been fighting so hard? If Madoka ended up at this decision with almost zero input from me, then was all my effort worthless? Even if this is what I’ve always wanted?
No. No, it’s because this is what I’ve always wanted, all I’ve ever wanted, or needed, or hoped for, that I should be happy about this. It doesn’t matter how it happened, it doesn’t matter why, it just matters that it is. That I’m here. That She’s here. She’s really… really here.
Madoka keeps holding me as I let out a strangled scream. Madoka holds me as I start sobbing uncontrollably, as I start soaking Her shirt with tears and snot as I burrow my face into Her shoulder. Madoka cards Her fingers through my hair. “I know. I know. Just let it out. I’m right here.” I only sob harder at the sound of Madoka’s voice. She holds me tighter. “It’s all gonna be okay now. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be right here.”
I almost choke on my own spit. “Ma— Madoka.” She hums. My next words come out as a strained whimper. “Madoka, I love— I love You. Love You so much—” I hiccup.
“I know, Homura. I know.” I startle as Madoka pulls me up until I’m settled squarely in Her lap. “You’ve always been there for me, Homura. I’m sorry it took so long for me to see it. I’m sorry I made you wait all this time.” Madoka places Her hands on my shoulders and shifts until She’s looking right into my eyes. “I love you too. I think I can finally say that for real, now. I hate that all of— all of this had to happen before I realized it. But I’m certain now. I love you, Homura. I think you’re so, so wonderful.” And Madoka pulls me in for another embrace, cradling the back of my head with Her hand. “And I’ll spend the rest of time telling you that as many times as you need. Because I know how you see yourself, and I know all the ugly thoughts in your head make it hard to believe anything else. I’ll show you that it’s not true. Because I think you’re perfect.”
I can only continue sniffling pitifully at the praise. Some parts of me—most parts of me—are severely overwhelmed, yet somehow, Madoka’s words are crystal clear. They penetrate me like a meteor breaking through the atmosphere, like a knife to the heart, like a bullet to the brain. I think I could get high off of those words. I think I might be high. That’s the only way any of this makes sense, right?
“Do you— You don’t mean that. You don’t.” I almost laugh. Almost.
Madoka pulls back. She frowns. “Homura… of course I mean that. Do you really think I would lie to you that way?” And I think Yes, of course You would, because You’re so much better than me, but the look on Her face grows stern, and suddenly I’m wondering if She heard me think that.
My voice is small. “Sorry, I just— None of this feels real. It feels like— like a dream, or something.”
Madoka smiles warmly. “That’s okay. You don’t need to make sense of it all right now. Just take it slow. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
At that moment, a sharp rapping sound comes from the front door, followed by a voice (is that Sayaka?) calling Madoka’s name. Her smile grows even wider, and I think it’s the most beautiful thing the world has ever shown me. “Sorry,” She giggles. “Sounds like they’re getting impatient.” Madoka stands up then, plopping me on my feet and grabbing my hand. “Let’s go say hi?”
I don’t say anything, for a second. I don’t know what kind of face I’m making, but Madoka looks serious as she leans in and whispers, “Hey, everything’s gonna be fine. I promise.”
None of this feels real. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. But then I look into Madoka’s eyes, those golden eyes that look like they contain the entire universe within them, and despite myself, despite everything, I think I start to believe Her.